Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

I don’t want to end up in the hospital, I really, really don’t. But as I told Vic, I agreed to do this and I can’t back out now. He left me here, alone. I think he’s mad. I’ve been so happy lately… I almost forgot what this feels like, being sad and confused. The conversation didn’t go well. Somehow, we ended up yelling, and I said that this was more important than his stupid worries. That Jack was just being stupid and he shouldn’t let him freak him out. I don’t know what’s gotten in to me, I mean, I’ve certainly wanted to yell at people before, but nobody has ever yelled at me first, or yelled back. I never thought Vic and I would have to fight like that. But I guess, when you’re uncured and just plain human, it happens.

We have a little time still, there’s a few weeks before the mission, and I decide that it’s important to make things right before then. I don’t know where Vic is right now, but I need some more time anyway. The last few weeks I haven’t known what anyone was talking about, saying I’m different now and need time to get back to how I was. But I think I am starting to get it, because I know fighting with someone I care about as much as Vic would usually have me going insane. If this were to have happened before that day at the doctor’s office, I can only guess I’d be destroying everything or panicking or at least screaming and singing to get it out. But there’s nothing. It takes effort just to feel something.

What the fuck did they do to me? Is this what it’d be like if I went to the hospital? Would it be worse? Would I be like I was those days after the shot? Purely logic, barely there. I don’t want that. I can’t. And I can’t lose Vic over this. But isn’t this whole thing about something bigger than me? It’s supposed to be about awakening the world. I’m not much compared to the world. Well, I guess mostly just America and everywhere it has shot into submission, but potentially the world.

There must be a way not to get caught, I mean, it’s a risk but it’s not a guarantee. I think they would believe us. I see no reason they wouldn’t. Alex and I haven’t been questioned at all since my day at the hospital, we should be seen as cured and fixed like everyone else. Nobody is really suspicious of each other are they? Maybe because it’s me and Alex and we’ve both been in trouble that’d make it hard to believe us. Is our role in this even that important?

At that, I decide I will go talk to Alex later, maybe there’s a way that will get Jack and Vic to calm down that won’t stop us from getting done what we need to get done. Meanwhile, I want to be able to think like I used to. I want to actually feel things, actually care about things with a passion. I don’t know how to do that anymore, I mean, when I first stopped taking cures, it just sort of happened. It was terrifying, but I started to care about every person who wrote a journal in here, relate to every song. Maybe I should revisit some of the music in here. I start fumbling through the songs on the small devices, singing along quietly to my favorites. I’m already starting to feel better, but I don’t think that’s such a good sign in this case.

Finally, I find myself just lying on the ground, wishing I could remember how to feel something. I don’t know how long I’m here, nor does it really matter to me, when Vic comes through the tunnel.

“Kellin,” he says cautiously, frowning at me, “are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly, and vacantly.

“I’m sorry… about earlier… I’ve never been that angry, I just… I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to get taken away from me,” he says quietly. It’s a really sweet thing. I think for a moment that maybe I feel a little jump in my chest at his words, a little bit of feeling, but then it’s gone just as fast. Nonetheless, I stand up so I’m eye-level with him and not just on the ground.

“It’s okay. I get it. I remember what it was like when I first got off cures. It takes a while to learn how to handle everything,” I say simply.

“Will you tell me more about that? About when you got off cures I mean. And why. You were on your own weren’t you? You didn’t have Alex or Jack or anybody to help you yet. I wanna know what it was like and… and maybe it’ll help you. To think about back then?” Vic asks me nervously, I guess maybe he’s right. I don’t like talking about it, because it was really pretty stupid, but I suppose I’m glad he doesn’t want to talk about the mission anymore right now.

“I was running,” I say simply after a long time, “I had done something stupid, and maybe it was because my cures weren’t working. Or maybe I was just naive. But I decided that I wanted to test some of the security machines that we’d learned about in school. They supposedly don’t use cameras anymore, but they have so many alarms and stuff that nobody can do bad things and escape. I figured, worse case scenario they send me to the doctor, and I had an appointment the next day anyway. I was just curious, mostly.”

I pause for a minute, Vic is looking at me with this… searching look. I smile at him to let him know I’m okay talking about it, but that just makes him frown. I’m trying to think what he might be thinking. Maybe it’s just that I’m not acting like I used to?

“Um, anyway,” I say, “so I snuck out in the middle of the night, and I was in this like, backroad, and I had brought some spray paint from a project for Art class, and I was just gonna write something. I don’t even remember what I wrote. It was a cuss word or something. It’s gone now. Anyway, I got the idea from History, when they talked about how people would always be willing to mess up the niceness of their own cities just for fun, cuz they had no regard for anything, you know?”

“I don’t remember them using the word ‘niceness’ in school,” Vic laughed, and I start to get that feeling again, only I think it lasts a fraction of a second longer.

“You get the point!” I pout, and Vic smiles more, and I think maybe being with him will help after all, “so, some alarms went off, and I ran for it. I had no idea where I was going or what I expected. But I found this tunnel, and I hid out for a while, until after a few hours the search ended.”

“Wait, so you crawled all the way in here?” Vic asks.

“No, no. I just sat in the opening where they couldn’t see me. It was a bit terrifying actually, but it got my blood pumping like it never had before. I got back home in time, never got caught.”

“So, how’d you find this?”

“I came back the next day. I was still on cures, and they upped some things I’m sure because the doctor knew I was a bit sleep deprived. But I came back to explore because I was curious. I wasn’t afraid or anything, although I knew that what I was doing was probably stupid. I found all this though. I started coming back whenever I could. Reading. Listening, looking. I really couldn’t help it. It’s so compelling.” I find myself pausing for a minute, looking at my surroundings. I really do love the things here. I close my eyes, trying to just feel what I felt those first few weeks last year, but I can’t. When it comes to feelings like that… I just… I have nothing. I take a deep breath before looking back at Vic, who looks a bit concerned.

“It’s just… I can’t feel the same about all this as I used to. I’ve lost something and I feel like it’s so close but I can’t reach it,” I explain.

“I know, Kellin, I’m sorry it’s like that. I hope you can get it back soon,” he says quietly, wrapping an arm around me, and this time, I definitely feel something. But whether it’s something like I could have before or something anyone on cures could just as easily feel, is hard to tell.

“Hey Kellin, I don’t know if maybe this is a bad idea since you’re trying to get back to being defiant and all,” Vic says after a while, “but maybe sometime we could go on a real date somewhere? You know, like we always say we’re doing, but actually do it. Like we could just go for dinner or something. There’s a party tomorrow, maybe we could get dinner before that? That way, we still go do stuff you’d normally like anyway.”

“That sounds really nice actually, Vic,” I say honestly, “it’ll be nice to get my mind off things for a while.”

“My thoughts exactly,” he says, and we sit for a while, just enjoying being close, and the comfort. It’s still a heavy atmosphere, because I’m sure we’re both still thinking about whether I’ll ever get back to how I was, but it’s still nice, just being together.