Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

I couldn’t help it, I mean I just couldn’t not kiss him. Vic tries to pull off the whole perfect citizen thing but he has a lot of rebelliousness in him. I knew when he told me “no” to singing that I was definitely crushing on him, and then he starts just demanding all these answers from me as if he’s suddenly in charge and it was, well, hot. He sure seems like he’s brainwashed as hell sometimes, but I can tell he isn’t completely gone. Once you stop taking cures, you start to notice things about people, and the ones who are the most “healthy” tend to have such an absent mindset. They always do what you tell them so long as it doesn’t oppose what they “believe,” which is really just what they have been taught is the most important set of rules. They accept everything without changing expression unless it’s necessary to illustrate something in the interaction. Every movement has some kind of benefit and algorithm. They are ruled, every day, every second, purely by logic.

Not all people are quite right though. Sometimes you catch someone who hasn’t been to a doctor in a while, maybe a month or two, and they start to react to things around them. Usually this is resolved pretty quickly, because the person has been taught to be uncomfortable with it. Sometimes, though, they like being in that stage, and that’s when you can really meet someone. I think that’s where Vic is, and I got to really meet him. The problem, though, is I like who I met, and now I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what it is about him, but he hasn’t left my mind since I kissed him yesterday. He’s mad at me for running off right afterwards though, but I’m afraid if I give him too many answers at once, he won’t come back anymore. And I want to see him more, I really do.

I sigh and remember what I found in journals about falling too fast. In almost every journal where someone started thinking how I am they ended up getting hurt, and usually doing something stupid. Besides, Vic isn’t like me. Even if things were to work out perfectly like they usually do, I’d still be stuck in this town, doing the same old thing with the same brainwashed people, and I’m still hoping I’ll be able to do something else somehow.

I’m interrupted from my thoughts by my alarm clock, I must’ve stayed up all night again. Oh well, it’s summer, it’s not like I have anything particularly important to do. I get ready and go downstairs to find my mother once again waiting for me, and for a moment I’m afraid maybe she didn’t buy that me and Vic were together and wants to take me to the doctor, but then she hands me a brochure for a summer program for vocalists. I take it and read it over, it’s daily classes but only a few hours a day, and it starts next week.

“I know you probably want to spend time with your boyfriend the rest of summer Kellin, but this is a great opportunity for your future, you even have a chance to be on the radio, and besides there will still be time to see Vic in the afternoon. What do you think?” Well, can’t argue with that logic. Even if I have to stick to singing the approved, modern music, it’s the only thing I can ever see myself doing with my life, and she’s right, it’s a great opportunity. So I agree and then tell my mom I’m going to go tell Vic, but instead I just start heading straight for my hide out. I need some time to think.

~Vic~

Kellin doesn’t make any sense. We’re supposed to be pretending to be dating, but instead he kisses me, in private where it can’t be part of pretending, and then just runs off to go home. Every time I see him I just find myself more and more confused. I barely got any sleep after yesterday. I just can’t make sense of this boy, what does he want from me? I decide to go find him and ask him, so I tell my parents I am going for a walk and head over towards Kellin’s tunnel thing, hoping he might be there.

As I crawl through the round pathway, I can hear Kellin’s singing, which makes me stop to listen for a while. I feel like I might be eavesdropping on something personal, but his music is always so captivating, I can’t just interrupt. After a couple songs he stops, and I figure now would be a good time to finish the crawl into the small room, and let him know I’m here. He looks at me and sighs, as if he isn’t very glad I’m here. “Did you want to be alone? I can leave I guess.” I say to him. He frowns at me.

“No it’s okay. I’ve just been thinking,” he responds.

“What about?” I ask him cautiously, he is acting a little strange. It’s so hard to tell what this boy is going to do next, he just doesn’t make any sense.

“You, among other things.” he says and smirks a little.

“What about me?” I look at him curiously.

“I like you, Vic.” this should be a good thing, but he looks sad when he says it.

“Why do you look sad about that?”

“Because I’m not cured, Vic, and caring about someone for real, that’s dangerous.”

“I don’t get it.” I say honestly. Why is everything so confusing?

“I don’t know how to explain it any more Vic, I’m not sure it can be explained. I guess if you wanna know why I think how I do you’ll just have to read the journals in here like I did, but you might not be happy with what you find out. I am taking a class on singing starting next week, which means I won’t be here until around 5 pm. If you want to read and go through this stuff, you’re on your own. Meanwhile, I think it’s better we don’t spend too much time together unless we have to, okay?” Is he telling me to only be here when he’s not? Now I’m even more confused. He tells me he likes me and then that he doesn’t want to see me? He goes over to the tunnel like he’s about to leave.

“No,” I say and stand in his way, “you’re not going to leave me even more confused than I was when I came here again. You have to explain things to me. If you like me why wouldn’t you want to see me?” He suddenly smiles widely at me, why does he always do the opposite of what makes sense?

“There might be hope for you after all, Vic.” Kellin says, then he pulls me over to him and kisses me again, holding me there for a few seconds this time, and then he pulls away and looks me in the eyes for a few seconds, as if he’s searching for something. Nobody has ever looked at me so intensely before, and there’s something different about how I feel right now. It’s like I don’t need to figure out why, or make sense of everything. It’s like, right now, I’m just happy to be standing here, close to Kellin, and that’s all that matters.

Our moment is interrupted though, when we start hearing music coming from the tunnel opposite the one we came in through.