Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

I’m on my way to go meet Alex and Jack in the tunnels, and there’s a thousand things going through my head. For one, I have to be able to crawl through alone, and the passage to the room where I met them yesterday is twice the distance as the one to the place I usually go, plus I have to get through that one first. It’s basically just a lot of tight spaces and I only managed to get through them before because Vic was there. Which of course is another whole train of thought I’ve been lost in all night. I never intended to fall for somebody and this crush on him is getting out of hand. I need to be careful. If I’m not going to take any cures, it would be pretty easy for me to get hurt, and pretty bad too. I’ve read a lot about heartbreak in all the journals, and it’s one of the few things from the old world that I’m not interested in trying. But considering I haven’t gotten him out of my head since we met I’m probably not off to a good start at avoiding it.

I make it to my usual room and decide to stop here for a while before attempting another crawl. I know I have to go. I’ve been hoping to find others like me for years, I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only person left in the world who still rejected the idea of losing myself, who hated the way things worked. That doesn’t make it any less terrifying though. I know this fear is totally irrational. I have been in here a million times and nothing bad has happened. This place is concrete, it’s solid, it’s highly improbable that anything will go wrong. I still don’t know where the air in here comes from though. At the thought of suffocating, I decide to sing for a while to try to calm myself down.

I must have lost track of time though, because as soon as I feel like I’ve gotten up the guts to climb into the tunnel next to me, I see Alex coming right through it.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were a singer,” he says, entering my little room, Jack close behind him.

“I- uh- yeah I guess.” I murmer.

“Sorry to invade,” he says and smiles, “but figured it was only fair after yesterday, and besides, I haven’t been this far before and wanted to check it out.” he looks around the room and then at Jack “just another storage room, huh. I guess they really are everywhere.” He says with an upbeat tone, looking around. I don’t feel as nervous anymore, something about the cheerful attitude of these two just makes them comfortable to be around. I still don’t really know what to say though, I’ve never been good with people. Alex doesn’t seem to mind though because he just continues talking. “You have a really nice voice by the way. Screaming and high notes. Pretty impressive. Anyway though, I have to talk to you about some things. Do you even know about the resistance? Some do and some don’t.”

Resistance? Like, one that exists now? This is completely new to me. All the journals here talk about a resistance being built, but I always figured it had died out years ago. Does this mean there’s a lot more people like us? That there’s a chance to actually change things, bring back creativity and individuality? “A resistance?” I ask Alex excitedly and he and Jack exchange a look.

“You don’t take cures, why?” Jack speaks up, still keeping the mood light, but I know that’s probably going to change soon.

“Because I like being a fuck up I guess. How do you know that?” I ask, although I am already pretty sure I know the answer.

“I bet you can tell we don’t,” Jack smiles, “your friend does though.”

“Yeah he… um…” I wanted to say something to defend Vic, because I know he isn’t totally brainwashed like most people, but they’re right, he does take cures. He isn’t like me. I suppose that’s why they didn’t ask him to come.

“It’s okay.” Alex looks at me, seeming to read my thoughts, “he’ll come around. Once people get a little taste of creativity they won’t go back.” I wonder how he knows this, or if it’s true. I hope it is for Vic, it was true for me. “There’s a lot to explain, if you want in on this that is?” He looks at me for confirmation.

“On the resistance? Of course I do! I- I still can’t believe I’m not the only one who isn’t content with world health or whatever.” I respond.

“You’re not. There’s people all over the country actually. Mostly teenagers. Storage rooms like this were set up for a reason you know. There’s been plans in place for generations now, hoping one day we’ll be able to, like, rise up I guess. I’ll explain all that later though. Right now we just need to know if you’re in, and if you’re ready to accept the risks if you are.”

“What risks?” I ask, all sorts of things coming to my head about what I might be getting myself into. I know I won’t turn it down though. It doesn’t matter, I’d risk anything for a chance of being able to bring things like there are down here back to the world.

“Of course there’s always the risk of being caught skipping pills and being cured of your defiance, but usually we can snap you back out of that after a while. Resistors often end up in the hospital though,” Alex says, sounding particularly bitter on the word ‘hospital’, “and if a mission fails we have a plan to take these tunnels out of the city…” Okay, the idea of crawling through these tunnels to all the way to another city terrifies me, but it still doesn’t change my resolve.

“Okay I get it,” I say.

“That isn’t all though. You have to be sure you’re really committed to this, things haven’t gotten too serious yet, but they will, hopefully. And then any one of us could get hurt, killed even, you understand?” There’s the serious side of Alex I guess. I do understand though. This is something I have to be willing to fight for, at all costs, and it is, I’ve known that for a long time now.

“I understand.” I reply simply.

“Good,” Alex smiles and I figure we’re done with the serious for a while.

“So are you dating that Vic guy?” Jack changes the subject and I can feel that I’m probably blushing a little.

“I… I don’t know exactly.” They both smirk at that and look at each other. I don’t understand their silent communication thing, but they constantly do it. They must be pretty close. “Are you two dating?” I burst out suddenly, surprising myself. They both laugh and look at each other without speaking again, evidently they weren’t going to give a straight answer. Well whatever.

“There’s some advantages to being in the resistance though.” Alex says after a while, “for example, there’s a party this weekend. You can bring your boyfriend.” He gives me directions to where another tunnel entrance is off on the other side of town and I tell him I’ll try to be there. I’m really curious about what kinds of things they do at a party of rebellious teenagers. I wonder if it’s anything like in the old journals. I wonder if Vic would even want to go with me.

~Vic~

This is the first day since I met Kellin that I haven’t gone looking for him. I guess I just need some time to adjust to everything, I mean, I really like this guy. I like how he sings and I like that he has fears and that he’s just different. He never does what I expect him to. But all of that just makes me question everything in my life. I mean, it’s not like my plans to join the military were set in stone yet, although people don’t usually change their mind about it. I think I might try to get into music. If I can do anything like Kellin can, or like the other boys we met can, then even if I can’t do it in public it’d be worth it.

The next question is what do I believe anymore? Because if I believe what I have my whole life, that health is the most important thing, and that my country is the greatest thing there is for bringing health to the world, then that means I am sick. I’ve been acting impulsively, losing sleep, my thoughts are disorganized and I know I’ve been missing details of things. But the weird thing is, it’s not like they make it sound in the history books. I feel happy actually, maybe even more free. I wonder if this is happening because of Kellin, and I know he must have some part in it, but I was starting to feel this way a little bit even before I met him. He just makes me think that maybe it’s okay.

My parents are off working right now, so I don’t have to answer any questions when I go downstairs and pick up the bottle full of my cures off of the counter and inspect it. It’s just your average white pill bottle filled with circular white pills, just like everyone else’s is. It has my name neatly printed on the white label, so nobody gets in confused. Cures are specified and created for each individual based on their health needs as evaluated at yearly check-ups and any in-between doctor trips. I wonder what my health needs are exactly. I know I’m allowed to ask if I want to but I’ve never really bothered. Why would I question it if it was fixed anyway?

But now I wonder what would happen if I just stopped. If I just didn’t take them anymore. Would the change be obvious? Would I go completely insane and have to go to the hospital, or would I just start having a few cute little mannerisms like Kellin? Would illogical things start to scare me, and if they did, would being with Kellin help me like being with me seemed to help him? Would I be able to make good music? Maybe Kellin likes me like this though, and maybe he wouldn’t like me anymore if I changed. I guess if I stopped taking them I would change.

I put the container down and go back upstairs to my room and just lay in bed and think for a while before deciding to go for a walk, maybe that’d clear my head a bit. As soon as I get to the corner though, I find Kellin standing there rather awkwardly. He must have been looking for me.

“You know,” he says, “we should really come up with a better way to get ahold of each other besides waiting around on corners. Anyway. You remember Alex and Jack from yesterday? Well they, uh, they are having like a party tomorrow I was wondering if you’d go with me.” He looks so ridiculously nervous and it is just adorable. So I agree and we decide to meet up a few hours early so we can hang out beforehand. I don’t exactly know what people do at a party, I didn’t even know they still existed outside of occasional business and family gatherings, and I get a feeling this one will be nothing like those. I just hope there will be good music.