Tell Peter Pan I'm a Liar

I fumbled in my sleep, violent images twisting my mind into uncomfortable positions. Gasping, I bolted up, only comforted by the fact that I was right next to my sleeping mother.

Careful not to wake her, I eased back down and turned so my nose was in the crook of her neck. She smelled like springtime flowers.

My mind became hazy again, black and white photographs twirling together to make a calm slideshow of thoughts.

I feel okay, I thought before falling asleep.

I can still hear his voice, but I feel okay.

***
The sound of rushing water woke me. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was already 6:30. I reluctantly crawled out beneath the covers.

"Good morning, Bells." My dad said, who was in the kitchen making coffee.

"Morning, Dad." I replied.

"So, baby," He started, looking uncomfortable."Is there anything we need to talk about? You've been so distant lately, then with all these nightmares.. Your mom and I are worried."

Of course I thought of telling the truth, but I didn't consider it. It was just a thought, like always.

"Dad, I'm fine. Really. Now can we talk about this later? It's late."

Dad sighed. "Okay. But later for sure."

I nodded.

***

I don't usually lie to my parents. In fact, the only things I lie about now are directly related to the.. Incident.

But there are a lot of things they just wouldn't be able to handle. No matter what any website says about support, I know everyone else is better of not knowing what he did to me.

Pity isn't what I need right now.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I just pulled up my black hair into a ponytail and left the bathroom. Today I really didn't feel like trying.

My lazy attitude continued as I got dressed. I simply put on a pair of ripped jeans and a black t-shirt with flip-flops.

I headed down stairs.

Both my parents were already at the bar, drinking coffee and talking about bills and things.

"Oh, morning Sweetheart," My mom said. "Do you want any breakfast?"

I pursed my lips, like this was a tough decision.

"Um.. No, I'm good. Thanks, though,"

"Okay, Babe. So, you dad told me-"

"Oh! Look at that!" I forced a laugh. "Already 7:30. I better get going, I have some questions about an assignment for math. See you guys later!" Then I kissed both my parents on the cheek and left for school, without glancing back.

***

I sped down the highway. Not that I was late, I just liked to drive fast when I was thinking. Or when I was anxious.

School sucked. Not for normal reasons, though.

Actually, I was a pretty good student. My straight A's weren't because I didn't enjoy a challenge.

No, school was difficult because of the student body. Surprise, surprise. It wasn't that I was bullied, or anything. I mean, I wasn't popular, but that was by my own design. I chose to have a small group of great friends than a whole mass of acquaintances.

That chose to be the right move, after all. Because after Lance Kenzie had claimed we had sex, I'd been branded a slut by every girl in high school, save my best friend Heidi.

So while I had been content and friendly with every person a month ago, now I was met with snickers in the hallway and unwanted attention from boys. I was nothing short of admired by the male half now. Lance certainly hadn't made me off to seem like a prude in bed.

The worst of it didn't come from a girl though, however nasty they are. Gerard Way now seemed like my own personal devil. He'd never liked me, but now that he had some sort of ammunition, he really let me have it. Him and his posse.

I pulled into the student parking lot, and searched for Heidi. As per usual, her blonde head was surrounded by a group of boys. I'll never know for sure, but I'm pretty sure half the reason we're still friends is because Heidi proudly called herself promiscuous.

"Hey girly-girl!" She called out, parting from her horde and making her way over to me.

"How ya feeling?" She asked, holding my hands in hers.

Though we'd never talked about it, I think Heidi knows by now that what went on between Lance and me wasn't consensual. I appreciated her respecting my privacy, though.

"I'm okay. I mean," I gestured toward my outfit."Considering my fashion choices today."

She let out a too loud laugh. "Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step." Then she lead me back to the masses, where I smiled and giggled appropriately until the bell rang. Which I was glad for.

"Wait! C'mon, Bell, let me walk you to first hour." Dallas Talor said with a smile. I couldn't really hear him, I was focused on his grip on my forearm.

My palms started to sweat.

"Um.. No, not today. I have to, um, pee." I said, feigning embarrassment.

Thankfully, he just laughed and let go.

"Alright Fair, but next time-"

"Definitely." I quickly added. He smiled and left.

I walked through the halls with my head down. Suddenly I felt a sharp shove, and saw Gerard Way walking past with a smirk on his face.

Prick.

When I reached my locker, I was greeted by a few nasty looking girls running from my locker and snickering.

I sighed.

After I dialed in my combo, I waited a second then opened it.

Shit.

Condoms came tumbling out, causing my to turn bright red. I could hear people laughing in the background. That I could handle. That was fine.

What happened next was not fine.

"Looks like you're ready for round two." Lance whispered in my ear, then bit my neck.

Before I could even react, he was gone. Swallowed up by his crowd of friends.

That's when I left school.

***

Now I was sitting in my bedroom crying. I would have to worry about getting in trouble, since I had feigned horrible cramps to the nurse. That wasn't so much of a lie, my stomach usually hurt these days.

Since my parents wouldn't be home for hours, I was binging on a habit I'd picked up a while ago.

Vodka.

My throat burned now, to match my eyes. I was in the middle of a drink when something caught my eye.

A pencil sharpener.

I'd know about cutting since I was little, but I'd never seen the draw of it. It must hurt, right? Right.

But right now, it didn't seem like I'd ever feel pain again.

So I picked up the sharpener, and smashed it with a textbook until the blade fell out.

Holding it in my hand, I seemed to lose all my courage. But I wanted to do this. So I did.

Turning my arm over, I placed the sharp tip of the blade on the delicate skin and pressed it down. Then, I quickly sliced to the other side of my arm. Leaving a one inch laceration and a bloody mess.

Suddenly I felt exhausted. But strangely giddy.

I just cut myself, I thought.

After cleaning the cut, I managed to fall asleep.

If I'd known what that small cut would bring, I probably would've finished the job that day.