Tell Peter Pan I'm a Liar

I woke up around three o'clock with jumbled thoughts and a killer headache. When I saw my arm, I had a moment of panic.

How was I going to hide it? I mean, I was supposed to hide it, right? Would I do it again? Did I want to do it again?

Yes, I thought. Yes, I was supposed to hide it, and yes, I wanted to do it again. With that realization, I felt a pang of regret for when I'd thought of 'cutters' as weird, attention-seekers.

Well, maybe I did want a tiny bit of attention, but doesn't everyone? I just didn't really want it through something like self-harm.

Now I was faced with the more pressing issue: keeping it a secret. I'm fairly sure if my parents found out they'd simply freak, and I really didn't want that. So I guess I'd jut have to wear a lot of long sleeves.

Oh, well. It's autumn, anyway.

I got up and slid on a gray sweatshirt over my shirt, and slid of my pants for a pair of green shorts. Then I checked my phone, which had a number of missed calls, most of which were from Heidi.

Since she was in class, I couldn't exactly call her. So I shot her a text saying how I had a stomach problem. Seven minutes later she called me.

"Hello?" I said, trying to sound like I had cramps.

"Bells! Oh my gosh, how are you? Is your stomach really hurting? Cause I heard-"

I laughed. "Wait, how are you calling me?"

"Oh," she said with a giggle."I'm in the girls room in the left wing."

"Oh." Then, "Ew.. I hate that one."

"Yeah, yeah, anyway, what the hell happened? You left before fucking first hour."

"Oh, um, yeah. My period just came early this month.. So I had horrible cramps."

"Huh, no shit? Wow. I thought that was just a cover cause of the whole condom thing. That was a shitty thing to do, by the way. Kelsey Smith fucking blows."

I plopped down on my bed, problems suddenly forgotten to good gossip. "So that was who did it? God, she's a fucking slut. Where's she get off on calling me one?"

"I know! You know she's only pissed cause of the Lance thing. She's been like, in love with him since last year."

At the mention of Lance, my mood darkened again.

"Yeah.. That's true."

"Oh, we got a new girl today."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's kinda pretty, too. Like, in a punk way? Anyway, she's got the hots for Mr. Gerard Way."

Gross. "Really?"

"Yeah. Not that you can blame her, though. He got kinda hot this year. Too bad he hangs out with all those weirdos."

See, Heidi doesn't mean to be rude. She just has a really close-minded personality. I'm the complete opposite of her, I pretty much loathe Gerard, but I'm completely fine with the rest of his friends. Some of them are pretty cute. They're the type of guys that are really everyone's type. Some girls like them because they're that style, and some girls like them because they like bad-boys.

"He is definitely not hot."

"What? He's like, a vampire! And he's got that tight- Oh! Aw, dude! I'm sorry. I totally forgot what an ass he is to you."

I shrugged, even though she couldn't see me.

"That's 'kay. It's not your fault."

"Eh, still. Anyway, you feel better Bella, I'll see you tommorow?"

"Mm-hm. Bye, Green. Love ya."

"Love you too, Fair."

I hung up and plopped back down on my bed. When I talked to Heid, I really felt good. I felt normal. But now, when I was alone with my thoughts, I was reminded of how fucked up everything was.

My "friends" wanted nothing to do with me because I'd slept with Lance. So what? Most girls my age had regular sex, and I'd been raped. How's that my fault? Really, it was just because most of them liked Lance. He, too, had gotten 'hot' over summer, and now he was a regular player. The only reason he'd wanted me was because he'd always had a big crush on me. I guess he'd just decided he deserved me, if I wanted it or not.

Then, let's just add the fact that I'd cut myself. I cut myself! I don't even know why I did it. I guess because I was sad, but I don't know what for. It's not that I blamed myself for being raped, because I didn't, but that didn't make me feel any less gross. Maybe this is normal for rape victims. Victim.

I hate that word. It made me feel weak, and it made Lance seem powerful. And that's one thing he wasn't.

For the next two hours, I watched re-runs of GuyCode, which in my opinion, was so much better than GirlCode. So, when I heard my mom call out to me, I literally jumped ten feet in the air.

"Hey mom!" I yelled, once I regained my composure. Scampering down the stairs, I felt panic well up in my chest again, even though I still had a sweatshirt on.

"So you felt bad today, baby?" My mom asked, concern in her voice.

"Yeah, but I'm okay now. Just some cramps." I was trying really hard to sound perky.

"Okay baby. How's Chinese for dinner sound?"

"Awesome. Can I get Mongolian Beef?"

She nodded and kissed me on the cheek.

***

I ended up not being able to sleep that night until around 1:00 a.m. Even then I had nightmares.

You could tell I hadn't slept, too, when I looked in the mirror the next morning. I looked more pale then normal, and I had huge bags under my eyes.
Sighing, I decided I couldn't go no makeup for two days in a row. So after I washed my face and teeth, I straightened my hair and put on black eyeliner and mascara.

I dressed in dark skinny jeans, a blue tank-top, and a black cardigan to cover my cut. After slipping on a pair of simple black Converse, I headed down stairs. Luckily, my parents had already left for work, so I was free to waste as much time as I wanted. I didn't want to have time to be social this morning.

Plus, my first hour was the one and only hour I had with Gerard, which was AP Science.
So I'd need plenty of time to just prep for that.

By the time I absolutely had to leave, I'd had two cups of coffee and a poptart. Reluctantly, I grabbed my stuff and hopped into my car.

I arrived at school with literally two minutes before the bell rang. I'd have to run to make it, since the Science Building was on the other side of the student parking lot.

I was halfway there when the bell rang, and when I finally reached my destination, class was about five minutes in.

Poking my head in the door, I felt my my face grow red as my gaze met Gerard's, who mouthed, "You're late, fucker."

As I tried to slide into my seat wordlessly, my teacher, Mr. Walker cleared his throat.

"Oh, um, hi Sir."

"Good morning, Ms. Fair. So nice of you to join us. I was just assigning your partners for the science fair."