#19

Chapter 1

We all hear of worldly battles and natural disasters from all around the world, but when you live in a little town in Pennsylvania, no one gives two shits about you.

When I tell outsiders that I'm from Youngsville, I usually get a response such as, "Where's that?" "Never heard of it." Or, my favorite "Is that in Ohio?" I usually fake some laughter and shake my head. "Its about 60 miles from Erie." And we leave it at that.

About five months ago, I was sitting at my desk in math class. I remember looking at the clock and seeing the time. I observed the short hand at the ten and the long hand one notch passed the six. In seventeen minutes the bell would ring and I would walk to my next class with my best friend, Karter.

All of a sudden, the sound of a bang interrupted my thoughts. I looked at my hands and watched them shake. Drops of sweat and tears fell to my desk, my legs began to quiver and my chest started to rise and fall faster. Kids in my class jumped up from their desks. Some screamed and others ran to the door to see what was going on. I sat at my desk and waited for my anxiety attack to pass. Karter quickly ran over and grabbed my hand. "It's okay, Aria." Her words were calm as she stroked my hair.

Another round of bangs rang out followed by more screams. Then, silence. No one dared to move or say a word. Karter and I found ourselves huddled together on the floor. Our arms were around each other and our makeup was now smeared from the tears we had shed.

Four hours after the first shots were heard, the police had finally arrested the gunman and people were being taken away in ambulances. No one knew who was hurt and parents were just now being called.

I remember closing my eyes and hoping no one I was close with got hurt. But I also remember getting home from that terrifying day and getting the news that 3 were killed, 2 were injured, and my 14 year old brother, Trey, would not be coming home.

Five months later and here I am; Lonely, depressed and miserable. My mom recently told me that I should see a grief counselor. Instead of agreeing, I laughed in her face. Talking to people is that last thing I want to do, so why would I go to counseling? I will admit that my attitude has become awful. I never listen to my parents anymore and I sneak out of the house all the time. But I don't care.

Since Trey's death, I have also picked up some habits. People will tell you not to smoke pot because it's bad for you, but shit, it makes the pain go away. And cutting yourself? That shit helps too. It sounds crazy, but I would rather feel the excruciating physical pain than feel the emotional pain.

I think people at school have started to notice too. My grades are plummeting and the number of friends I have are decreasing too. The only true friend I have is Karter and she's only with me because we are weed buddies.

There's no purpose for me and I have realized this. So why am I still alive, you ask? The truth is, I don't know. But I have set a date. April 23rd is the day. I'll make it quick and painless. No one will even know I'm gone.