As She Fades

"I'll follow you down, through the eye of the storm.
Don't worry; I'll keep you warm.
I'll follow you down, while we're passing through space.
I don't care if we fall from grace.
I'll follow you down...

To where forever lies.
Without a doubt, I'm on your side.
There's nowhere else that I would rather be.
I'm not about to compromise,
Give you up to say goodbye.
I'll guide you through the deep.
I'll keep you close to me!"
- Shinedown

The second they'd stepped through the door, Becca took off up the stairs, a skip to her step that Torryn had rarely seen before. She smiled inwardly and made a mental note to ask Antony just what was up with her later, but outwardly, she looked solemnly at the two men who trailed after her and asked quietly, "Would you mind coming upstairs with me for a bit?"

"Yes," they said together, not a hint of hesitation in their voices, and she began to climb the stairs. The pace was slower than she would've liked, and she had to hold on to the railing to keep herself steady as she ascended. She felt no pain, only a vague weakness in her limbs that reminded her of what she'd put herself through tonight — and the heavy weight of Skylar and Antony's stares upon her back. She expected them to offer their aid, to insist that she accept it, but they never did. They never even spoke.

Maybe they've finally accepted that I'm not entirely helpless. But the cheer that filled her at the thought ebbed away almost as quickly as it had come. Of course they would accept it now that I don't deserve it, now that I've proven them right.

She pushed her self-pity back as she crossed the threshold into her bedroom and turned, her eyes lighting on the two men at her back. The sight of them overwhelmed her, and the moment they stood in the room with her, she shoved the door shut and threw her arms around them. For a moment, she wasn't sure if they would return her embrace, forced so awkwardly close to each other by her hold, but barely a heartbeat passed before she felt the lukewarm arm of the vampire on one side and the true warmth of the human on the other. Their grips were equally tight and wholly without reluctance, and she drew them more tightly to her.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, gripping their shoulders with fingers like talons. "For everything I've done."

"You haven't done anything," Skylar said without pause, but she felt Antony's chin grazing her shoulder as he shook his head.

"We can deal with Emmeline," he murmured. "It might not be the most ideal situation, but we can handle it."

She forced herself to draw away from them, just barely able to convince herself to relinquish her borderline-painful hold on their shoulders, and met Antony's solemn but intense gaze. "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

She frowned and shook her head. "I'll try to handle it before you have to."

He took her shoulders in his gentle hands and looked her dead in the eye. "You can never do anything like what you did tonight again," he said lowly, his eyes pleading. "Promise me you won't."

She glared up at him. "That's what Raphael said. If you think it's fair for you to demand that from me, then I think it's fair for me to demand that you feed from no one but me to prevent a repeat of what happened the other night."

"That's much less fair than what I'm asking of you, but if it's what you want, I'll do it."

She rolled her eyes and shoved her way between the two men, storming to the window and shoving the curtains aside. She was silent for a moment, trying to figure out whether she was really mad at Antony and his too-calm demeanor or if she was really just mad at herself, and as she scowled at the stars that glittered in the dark sky above, she snarled her answer. "I thought I was past this. What happened tonight shouldn't have happened. What happened with the Lord shouldn't have happened. None of this should ever happen!"

"You can't beat every vampire every time," Skylar offered.

"Yeah," Antony agreed. "Besides, I'm pretty sure most people would have trouble with a master like the Lord and a coven like Emmeline's."

"But I've actually been working on getting better at this," she protested, wrapping her arms around her middle and continuing to stare unwaveringly up at the sky. "I managed to hold my own against Caesar. With help and after a few failed attempts, of course, but that was before, back when I was still new to all of this. I've been fighting for months, damn it. I've been learning to overcome pheromones and the bloodsuckers that come with them. I should be past this."

"Don't act on your anger," Skylar warned softly. "Don't let your self-pity drive you into another battle you can't win."

She spun to face him, eyes narrowed, and Antony said wryly, "Well, judging by that glint in her eye, I'd say she's already planning to do just that."

"It shouldn't have happened," she said through gritted teeth. "I should be past this."

"I don't want to have to go through this night again, Torryn," Skylar snapped, and surprise widened her eyes at the sight of the passion that filled his. "I don't ever want to see you that close to death again."

"I'm going to get stronger," she said, squaring her shoulders and narrowing her eyes once more. "No matter how hard you two and Raphael try to fight me on this, I'm going to get stronger, and I'm going to take down the vampires who make this city an unsafe place for my kind and for yours. I don't care if I have to fight Emmeline's entire coven again. I don't care if I have to face them all alone because you'd all rather keep me locked up in here. I don't care —" Cool air wafted over her, and as her back met the window without preamble, Antony's lips collided with hers.

Anger still simmered beneath the surface, but it took a backseat to the raw hunger that tore through her with the feeling of Antony's body against hers. She answered his kiss with the same heat that he'd offered it, and when they parted only seconds later, she felt winded. The weight of his body didn't leave her, and she looked toward Skylar as silence fell over the room.

Awkwardly, the boy crossed the space that separated them and placed a quick kiss on her cheek. "There. Best threesome you ever had, wasn't it?"

She laughed, mostly at the terrible humor that accompanied his nerves, and very pointedly wiped the wetness from her lips. Tangling a hand in his hair, she pulled him in for a real kiss, and he met her with open-mouthed enthusiasm, as if he'd never been more comfortable with a situation in his life. Still, Antony's meager heat never left her, and she parted from Skylar with a mischievous smile.

"We could totally have a real threesome right now," she whispered deviously.

The men glanced at each other and blurted a resounding "No."

She laughed lightly and slipped away from them, away from the window that she had her back pressed into, but her smile slowly melted away as she crossed the room to sit on the edge of her unmade bed. "What are we going to do about this?" she asked, though she knew deep down that it wasn't really their job to come up with a solution. No, the choice was obviously hers. She would have to choose one of them to tie herself to and push the other one away and…

"I think polyamory might be the way to go," Skylar admitted timidly, and she turned to look at him so quickly that her neck cracked. Antony mirrored her expression at the human's side, eyes wide and mouth half open.

"What?" she all but gasped.

-?-

Antony could only stare at Skylar, even though he knew how stupid he had to look with his mouth hanging open like it was. "You're shitting me," he blurted. "Really? Just like that?"

"Uh, yeah," Torryn said, her tone hesitant but so hopeful it stung him. "Are you…sure? This is a big deal."

"Well, yeah, of course I'm sure," Skylar said, turning his gaze shyly to the floor. "It'll be kind of weird, but maybe it'd be for the better. You can't know until you try, right?"

"How about you, Antony?" Torryn asked, and when Antony turned to her, the hope that sparkled at the back of her eyes cut him all over again.

He shrugged, and though he longed to avert his gaze as Skylar so often did, he'd accepted long ago that escape, even from something as benign as a woman's stare, simply wasn't in his nature. "I've thought about it," — almost obsessively since it had become an option, but he wasn't about to tell her that — "and I honestly don't know if I could do it. The smells would get to me, like they already did when I caught the scent of the two of you in your car. They would trigger my possessive alpha vamp thing constantly, and I don't know if I could suppress it or if it would be worth the risk to even try."

Suddenly closed off, not a hint of emotion to her expression, Torryn nodded as if she'd known his answer all along. "That's fine. I totally understand. I wouldn't want to force either of you to do something you're not comfortable with."

Silence fell once more, and with each passing second, the cold weight of guilt in the pit of Antony's stomach grew heavier and heavier. She looked at the floor now, at her hands, at the rumpled bed sheet beside her, and he could see the worry in her every move. No matter how good she got at hiding her feelings, she would never be able to hide them from him. Finally, he lowered his gaze, unable to bear the agony of her empty expression any longer.

"What are our other options, then?" Skylar asked, his voice loud in the silence, and she shrugged as she met his gaze.

"I'm either with neither of you or I pick one, I guess," she answered, and Antony cringed internally at the carefully even tone of her voice.

Just let her have what she wants, he told himself angrily. That's all you've ever wanted to do, right? Just give her what she wants? Make her happy? But he knew the truth: he wanted her to be happy — but he wanted to be happy, too. That's why you've never just cut her loose and sent her into his arms, even if it would be better for her.

God, I'm a selfish ass.

"Are you going to give up your vices, then?" she asked suddenly, and Antony felt more than saw Skylar tense at his side.

Oh, fuck no. He'd better not…

-?-

Caught off guard by the question, Skylar went rigid. Of course I would give it up for her, he told himself — but if that was the truth, he never would've developed the habit to begin with. Could he give it up? Would he?

He felt Antony's eyes on him as the vampire said, "I'll slow down on the feeding, but I can't stop entirely. You know that."

"We've been over this already," Torryn said, and Skylar guessed from the derisive but overall calm to her voice that she hadn't yet noticed his hesitation. Not like Antony had, still locked on to Skylar like a bloodhound on its prey. "I want you to feed from me and no one else, for your safety and for theirs."

"I would grow too weak that way, and I can't afford to be weakened, especially with Emmeline looming on the horizon. Perhaps Skylar could offer you a more satisfying answer," Antony suggested, and Skylar could've snapped his neck in that moment.

"Well, technically, I can't even partake of my vice anymore after attacking the one person who could enable me," he pointed out. He tried to meet Torryn's eyes but couldn't.

"Why are you so tense, then?" Antony asked, a hint of smugness hidden beneath the feigned innocence in his voice.

Skylar turned to the vampire, his eyes growing wide and sweat beginning to gather on his palms, and Torryn stood before him when he turned to look back at her. "Are you all right?" she asked gently. "Is something wrong?"

"I don't think I want to stop," he burst out.

"Damn it, Skylar," she said, but there was no malice to her tone, and he froze as she wrapped her arms around him. "Why does your problem have to be so creepy?" she teased.

He laughed halfheartedly, but he could still feel Antony staring at him, could still feel the panic coursing through him to dampen his palms. "I don't know how to stop," he admitted. "I don't know how to stop wanting…that." Shame crept into his tone as he added in a whisper, "It makes me feel better."

She pulled away from him, and only now did he realize that he'd never returned her embrace. "How can I help?" she asked softly.

How can she treat me this way? Bitterness alternately chilled and burned him, and he clenched his fists. How could she just pity me? How could she treat me as some pathetic, helpless infant? But a voice at the back of his mind was quick to answer. Because that's what you are.

"I don't know." He turned from her, his darker emotions rushing from him to leave him feeling cold, empty — just like I feel without the Lord's help.

"Instead of going to see the Lord, just come see me, okay?" she said, smiling faintly.

He furrowed his brow. "Really? You should be furious with me for wanting to do this. You should be throwing me out of your house and never letting me back in. Why are you…?"

"I won't lie, Skylar. I'll always be offended that you chose to go see a master vampire who could've ended your life at any moment for a mental fix instead of just spending time with me as a friend if you were so desperate for some company. I'll always be disgusted by the fact that reliving our sexual encounters was more appealing to you than just coming to talk to me." Her smile had faded, but there was no rebuke to her tone, no fiery rage to her stare. "I'll never forget that you've made some really sad, really wrong choices…but I understand the need to fill a void you never expected to have. I understand wanting some sort of release, some sort of balance." One corner of her mouth twitched up in a half smile. "I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but wailing on the people who piss me off has kind of become my favorite pastime, and I promise it's not just for the sake of winning some money or saving some Progeny." She rested a hand on his shoulder, and the other corner of her lips edged upward to complete her small smile. "If I couldn't forgive you for your lapses in judgment, what kind of hypocrite would I be? How could I ever call myself your friend?"

"You mean it?" he murmured, halfway to lost as he stared into the gray depths of her eyes.

"Of course I do." She guided her hand down his arm to take hold of his hand. "If it would help you to spend some time with the real me instead of the me you have naughty car sex with in your head, I'd be honored if you would give me your company. Once I get home from class, we can hang out for as long as you want. All night, if you need it."

Antony growled audibly, and she rolled her eyes and twisted to look back at him. "Why do you both have to be such needy bastards? You can come to the sleepover, too, honey," she teased. "Just be sure to bring your own sleeping bag."

Antony crossed his arms and scowled at her, unamused, but Skylar grinned to himself. Maybe I really can do this.