Reserved

All the girl could hear was the constant chatter surrounding her. As if she had taken a seat in the middle of a chaotic zoo, when in reality she had only taken her usual spot in the cafeteria. The noise that flew through her ears drowned her thoughts, suffocating her intellect… What am I even doing here? She had other places to be… or actually, one other place where she could be.

Ivy-Elisabeth stared blankly ahead at the cafeteria door at least a hundred meters directly opposite her, her group’s table the furthest possible distance from there. From where they sat weekday after weekday, they had a view of every single kid at each and every other table. Or Ivy did anyway, sitting with her back facing the mirrored wall behind her, right in the center of the bench, with girls talking to each other animatedly and guys laughing and leaning over her to swap food.

Towson High School’s loveliest and most elite members of the Junior and Senior classes surrounded Ivy. Although everyone who was enrolled at the establishment was either upper middle class or above when it came to family financials, every student knew who they were meant to be respecting when they were at school… and those people were the occupants of the two tables that were pushed together where Ivy was situated.

This school was to say the least, co-educational, but other than that; it would pass as a private school. It was as good as one, anyway. Why go to a single sex school that somehow receives lower grades and averages than Towson, when you could go to a school that’s student body was made up of both sexes? In fact, there was a lot of sex, but you’d rarely catch two people at it in the bathroom, unlike in the unkempt stalls of Dulaney High, Towson’s rival high school.

No, this school had class.

Sluts? Yes. But they were dressed in Abercrombie and Fitch and were polite and well mannered in front of many while executing themselves in the school hallways or at the mall, with manicured fingers and expensive make-up lacquered on their face. Assholes? Yes. But they were all on the football and Lacrosse teams and had exceptionally good hair and bodies to match. Dickheads and bitches? Yes, but the dickheads at Towson were praised like angels compared to the dickheads at any other school in Maryland… and you were considered as lucky if a bitchy girl from Towson even laid a dirty glare on you, they did bitch that well. Not to mention, going to Towson just immediately made you come above all of the other 28 high schools in the Baltimore County Public School District.

Towson High was a well-respected, prestigious school whose motto goes by integrity, citizenship and leadership. One thing was for sure; they had the leadership thing down pat. Despite the united front when it came to school pride and bashing others’ pride, and the fact that life at Towson High was made out to be the best thing since slice bread, it was clear there was a hierarchy. People despised each other and were two faced no matter how lovey-dovey friends seemed to be to each other to an onlooker. Every girl wanted to be at the top of the school’s social ladder by the time they were in Junior Year… Everyone wanted to be Ivy.

But Ivy didn’t care. Ivy had never really cared… about any of it.

Ivy had never gone looking for any of the attention people paid to her, but at the same time she had never known anything different. She knew she was lucky and the sway she had around school could be either a really positive thing, or a really negative thing depending on the day or time. But given her situation right now, Ivy didn’t even have time to spare a thought about her social status.

And as for the Dulaney situation?

Although Ivy denied it even to herself, deep down she knew that the way Dulaney and her own school rivaled each other in more than just sport and academia was ridiculous. But she had more important things to worry about than trying to stand up against the one thousand, four hundred and thirty six other people at her school’s preconceived notions about ‘Druglaney’. She also had more important things to worry about than changing the hate-fueled history from when Dulaney first presented itself to Towson in 1962.

How was she meant to continue to fight other people’s battles when she was finding it too impossible to fight her own? And the worst part was she wished she could just pull in the ropes and call her chance at life done. Sitting at the table that was joined to another that occupied a mix of nearly thirty insecure assholes who tried to humiliate other kids to feed their own self esteems, Ivy had never felt more alone. What she couldn’t fathom was how these people had been her friends since Freshman year, and how she had let herself be exactly like them and hadn’t realised up until now about the reality of their ‘friendships’ and their position at school.

It didn’t matter that there were hundreds of other girls in the same room wishing to be in her position, staring at her stare into space while they tried to convince their friends that they were listening to what they were saying at their own table. It didn’t matter that the cheerleaders sitting on their jock boyfriend’s laps spaces away from her had noticed she wasn’t herself lately, or that the girls who followed Ivy around desperately like lost sheep were whispering about her while they were just also a few seats away. She was purely alone.

Had anybody bothered to ask if she was okay though?

No.

Of course they wouldn’t, because Ivy wasn’t allowed to not be okay. To them, she was meant to be the happiest girl in school. She had the boys, of all ages, chasing after her, and the girls willing to do anything for her just to be considered closer to her than all of the rest of the group. Her family had money, she was stunning, vice captain of the cheerleading squad, and she was passing all of her subjects with straight A’s. What more could you ask for?

Ivy was too modest to recognize any of that now, though. All she knew was that she hated who she had let herself become, and she hated all of this. Everything. Including her life and how plastic all of the people in it were.

“Ivy, I didn’t see you at the party on Saturday night.” Jessica stated from her seat across from the girl. Ivy’s dark green eyes continued staring past Jess’s head at the cafeteria doors as she waited for the only person she wanted to see right now, and who was keeping her glued to the chair instead of walking out of the school and skipping the rest of her sessions for the day, to walk through the double doors. She didn’t notice that Jess was talking to her.

“Ivy?” Jess asked, waving her hand in the spot Ivy was looking. Ivy barely snapped out of it, still in a haze.

“Ivy-Elisabeth!” Crystal, the tall blonde Senior Head Cheerleader who had been watching what was happening from down the table called out across everyone’s conversations, causing their attention to find Ivy in her zoned out state. Finally, Ivy realised that conversation had turned to her.

“Sorry.” She said, finding Crystal’s eyes. “What’s up, Crys?” Ivy asked unenthusiastically, not that she really minded. Everyone took her tone to mean she was still off with the fairies, however.

“Jess was talking to you.” Crystal began, motioning over to Jess. Ivy’s eyes followed her signal and found the girl looking slightly embarrassed at the commotion she thought she had caused Ivy in front of everyone. Jess felt bad, but Ivy, once again, couldn’t care less about what just happened; she just wanted out.

“Did you smoke some weed or what, Ivs?” James, Crystal’s boyfriend of six months asked before Jess could say anything, as his girlfriend took a sharp bite into her apple.

“Mm, yeah. Definitely.” Ivy responded sarcastically, sitting up a little straighter as she spoke, the rest of the table cracking up at James’ joke implying she was baked, knowing that they all probably thought it was true with the way she was acting.

“What were you saying, Jess?” Ivy asked, changing the subject and talking over the rowdy guys. The girls at the table’s attention hadn’t left blonde though, as it stayed whenever Ivy spoke, not that she liked to admit it.

“Oh, I just was saying how I didn’t see you around at the party on Saturday night. I thought it was strange, because that was the second week in a row now that I haven’t seen you...”

Kasey, Candice and Lauren, three of Jess’ closest friends, all seemed to nod slightly in agreement as the boys began to tune back into the conversation, also eager to find out what was going on.

“I uh,” Ivy began, “I wasn’t at the party the other night at all, actually.” She finished.

“Oh… that’s… not like you.” Jess stated in a tone of surprise. “I thought maybe we just kept missing each other or something…”

“I just couldn’t make it.” Ivy shrugged, barely managing a smile on her face at the thought of why she couldn’t make it.

“Well those fucking Dulaney kids rocked up. Don’t worry though, Damien and James put on a good show for everyone. Black eyes are their specialties… and the dirt bags’ sluts went running straight after them.” In her attempt to block out her thoughts, Ivy barely noticed who had been speaking, but her eyes quickly found Damien for explanation.

Damien was an alright guy; captain of the Senior Lacrosse team, and always out to impress Ivy… but little did he know, hitting some guys at a party didn’t impress her at all. “Those pricks better stop showing their faces at our parties, because sooner or later, they’re going to end up with seriously fucked up ones…. Even more fucked up than the way they look now.”

With that, there was an uproar of hollers of approval from the guys, and laughs from the girls. Everyone in the cafeteria’s attention was drawn to the table if it hadn’t been already, and everyone’s eyes found Ivy rising from her seat before most at her own table noticed themselves

“I’ve got to go.” She said absent mindedly, stepping over the bench, her eyes back to being glued to the door. Screw waiting, she thought. She couldn’t take being stuck with the egomaniacs any longer. What kind of guy says something like that? The same type of guy you’ve been caught up in a crowd with since ninth grade. Ivy clarified her own thought with an answer as she made her way to the exit of the cafeteria, everyone’s eyes glued on her as they all quieted down. The girl again was completely oblivious to the questions her friends asked about where she was going, even while she was still in earshot of them. The hallways were relatively empty except for a few freshmen sorting out books in their lockers. Ivy wished she was as naïve as them as she tried her best to not drag her feet through the halls.

“Ditching, huh?” A voice rung from the top of the flight of stairs that was going up, next to the flight Ivy was about to walk down that led to the bottom floor entrance to the school.

Indeed I am.

Ivy looked up only to find Zachary Merrick walking down the flight of stairs to the level of the cafeteria. He met her dark green eyes with his own vibrant blue-green and hazel speckled ones.

“Yeah.”

“I was just about to come and make sure you hadn’t yet, but I admit, I was organizing to ditch as well.” Zack began.

“Well I waited, but I couldn’t sit there anymore.” Ivy justified as the boy reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped onto the landing she was on.

“Sorry, I got caught up. Mr. Harrison was helping me with my music assignment.” Zack said as he wrapped the girl in a tight hug.

Ivy cleared her throat as she let go of the boy after a few moments and inhaling his familiar scent. “So, you coming over for dinner tonight?”

That Ivy did care about. She needed Zack. She needed at least someone to sincerely care and worry about her.

Zack sighed, “You know what day it is, Ivs.”

“Monday.” Ivy responded, rolling her eyes, and not believing that he was about to do this to her.

“I’ve got ba-”

“Yes, I know, you’ve got band commitments. Forgive me for thinking that I stood a chance against the assholes.” Ivy felt herself on the verge of breaking; she had really been counting on Zack to stick by her, and she was feeling incredibly out of touch with herself today.

“It’s only because of the gig on Thursday night, otherwise you know I’d drop everything and be there with you in a heartbeat.” Zack felt like inflicting pain upon himself at the sad look on Ivy’s face that he could tell she was trying so desperately to disguise.

He couldn’t just bail on the guys now. He didn’t go to any of the practices last week because he had to stay with Ivy while she was basically falling apart at the seams behind the closed doors of her home. He was sure Alex, Rian and Jack wouldn’t have minded all too much if he missed out again, but at the same time, Zack knew behind Alex’s closed doors, he’d be having an anxiety attack about how they had a gig in three days and they weren’t prepared at all.

“Are you sure about that? Because I mean, I’m not technically even family, am I? Why not just hang out with them while leaving me by myself with the awkward silence I find in my own home every night I return there?” Ivy asked sarcastically, and Zack swear he saw a tear flash in her eye, but he wasn’t sure because Ivy never cried.

“Firstly, this would be a whole lot easier on everyone if you could just call Jack, Rian and Alex by their names. Just because they go to Dulaney, doesn’t mean they’re any lesser people… especially because we’ve been a band for like… two years now. You yourself find the whole Dulaney/Towson mess stupid. And secondly Ivy, don’t get started on all that technical bullshit, because no matter what, you are my cousin… if you want me to get technical. And your parents love you, it’s just that they’re as confused as you are through all of this.”

“It’s been a week and a half, Zack!” Ivy knew she was being selfish, but she didn’t care.

“Yes, and it’s been a fucking long one at that… but it’s just going to take more time. You’re barely even dealing with the problem, how are they meant to?” Ivy sighed as Zack watched his non-biological, yet closest cousin with an aching heart. He knew how much she was hurting.

“Look, you’re more than welcome to spend the night at mine. I’ll be at practice for the two hours after school, and you can chill out in my room. Mom and dad won’t even be home until after I get home, so I’ll be able to do the explaining, but I’m pretty sure they’ll get why you’re staying the night, our parents do talk. Either that or you can come to practice with me instead of having to wait by yourself. The guys are picking me up now thou-”

“No.” Ivy interrupted immediately.

“Ivy, I know you haven’t had the best impressions of the guys, but it’s been two years. They’re the closest real friends I have other than you, and I’m related to you, so no offence, but you don’t count.” Zack smiled down softly at the girl, but she couldn’t bring herself to smile back. “I know that if people from school found out that you talk to people from Dulaney, they’d probably freak out, but going to one practice with me and actually having a full conversation with the guys isn’t going to make the front page of the school newspaper. No one will even hear a word about it-”

“Zack, I meant no, as in, ‘No, I’m going to the hospital.’” Ivy clarified, not completely appreciating why he had to stress the way he said ‘you talk to people from Dulaney’. She was irritated. Why did everything she do have to affect so many people’s views? Why did everyone have to put her on a pedestal? Ivy hated it. She looked at herself as no one. In fact, she currently had no idea who she was, and who she was meant to try and be.

And what is the difference between Zack being in a band with people from Dulaney, and me being acquainted with them, anyway? Why did that have to be such a big deal?

Both cousins were in the same circle of ‘friends’, but Ivy supposed that the only reason people had gotten over Zack being in a band with people who were looked upon as trash was because he made good music, and, after a while, they all convinced themselves that that was the only reason he spoke to any of the guys from Dulaney. According to their narrow minds, it was strictly his interest in music, and Zack had no other reasons for talking to them. But if Ivy found herself befriending, or actually having a conversation with any one of those boys, all hell would break loose and people would be extremely confused about the way they should and shouldn’t act towards people at Dulaney and the historic rivalry between schools. And as pathetic as it was, Ivy didn’t want to have to deal with whiny girls and patriotic boys… she hadn’t wanted to since the day Zack told her he had met some guys from Dulaney, they were ‘jamming together’ and that Ivy would love them, let alone now.

Zack opened his mouth to say something, but Ivy cut him off, “Right now.” She continued. “I’ll see you ‘round.”

Zack stood with his eyebrows raised, as Ivy was about to walk down the stairs. He grabbed his cousin’s forearm to stop her, anger at the almost cold way she was acting towards him beginning to bubble through his blood. “Do you really think that that’s going to go down well with your mom and dad? That you ditched school to go and see him in hospital? They’re worried about all of this as it is. Don’t you think that will make everything at home worse? I think you should just-”

“How can you be so fucking… insensitive through all of this?! Do you even care!? Does any of this even matter to you!? He’s got cancer Zack! And I’ve got no fucking clue if he’s going to survive.” Ivy exclaimed quickly, frustrated. She had all this built up negative energy that had been burning to over flow for days, and now it felt like she had no control over it. Her frustration was nothing compared to Zack’s temper, however.

Insensitive? I don’t care? Does she want to fucking see me not care!? Zack thought furiously. I know she’s going through a lot, but how fucking selfish does she want to be!? His frustration took a hold of him. It didn’t matter that the pair were in the quiet hallway and were the two most known people in the entire school, nothing stopped him from raising his voice at Ivy.

“And may I remind you that he never wanted to know you up until now, and you don’t know him either!? He gave you up! He only wants you back now because he has no one else left! You’re his last fucking resort! If none of this was happening, he would have never have come for you! Don’t you get that?!”

The words cut the air impeccably sharply. Zack stood frozen for a moment, completely shocked at how his angered feelings over the past week had just escaped his mind and had been voiced so harshly and obnoxiously. Ivy’s heart felt like it had turned cold and she swore she felt it miss a beat at the sound of her cousin’s words as he gave her a cruel awakening. There was a lump in her throat.

He’s right. The words she didn’t ever want to hear had hit her harshly… and she couldn’t believe quiet Zack of all people had just said them.

“I… I’ll speak to you later Zack.” Ivy said swiftly, avoiding eye contact with her cousin, the one person she had thought would be able to understand or at least be empathetic with her. She made her way down the stairs, suddenly longing to get away from him after wanting to speak to him all morning.

Zack groaned, now angry with himself. “Lis!” He called out after his cousin using the nickname branched from the second part of her name that he preferred to call her. He began taking the stairs down to the ground level of the school quickly after her.

“Ivy!” He yelled, but by the time he was at the bottom, she had already reached the front door of the school and slammed it behind her.

Zack watched his cousin walk down the outdoor stairs from the opposite side of the glass doors from afar; he couldn’t believe he had just said that. He knew she didn’t deserve it. He knew she was confused and that she had no idea what to think anymore. He knew that she thought her whole life so far had been a lie. He felt so extremely out of place saying what he said, no matter how many people in his family’s feelings she had been recently unintentionally and unconsciously hurting, including his own.

Ivy only got halfway through the front courtyard before she found herself at the flagpole that bared her country’s flag proudly as it swayed lightly in the breeze. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt like she needed to be sick as the truth was filling her mind. Before she knew it she found herself sliding down, back against the retaining wall for the garden around the pole, tears welling in her eyes as she hit the ground, blurring her view of the turning circle and road directly in front of her. She couldn’t care less about who saw her as she pulled a packet of cigarettes from her over sized hand bag that passed as her school bag with shaking hands and stuck one between her lips and lit it, fumbling getting the flame to stay ignited on her lighter a few times.

Smoking was a bad habit; it repulsed her. Ivy had quit months earlier, but last week’s news made her cravings reappear just like that and she wasn’t in a fit emotional state to stay strong. Life was another thing that repulsed her, and she wondered in comparison to quitting smoking, how hard it would be to end her life.

Ivy hadn’t even taken three drags of the cigarette before a dark green Honda Civic pulled up directly in front of her in the turning circle. She wasn’t even remotely worried that she was about to get in trouble, or that someone was going to see her with tears welling in her eyes… until she saw who was stepping out of the car from the passenger seat and made his way to the footpath.

“Well if it isn’t Ivy Merrick being a total badass.” Alex Gaskarth spoke as he smirked down at the girl who quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before taking another drag of her cigarette, trying to ignore the seventeen year old boy in front of her. When he chuckled however, she couldn’t stand it anymore. “Does the captain of the lacrosse team know you’re skipping? The head cheerleader? What about the principal? I’m sure they rolled out the red carpet for you to mark out the route to the front door, hey princess?”

“Fuck off.” Ivy said as strongly as she could manage after exhaling the smoke that had just filled her lungs, coughing slightly and picking herself up off the ground and running a hand through her long dark blonde hair. Her eyes met with Jack Barakat’s as he sat in the driver’s seat of the vehicle with his window rolled down, his stare directed straight at her.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, Ivs,” Alex emphasized his use of her nickname. “but smoking usually doesn’t do one’s general health any good.” Alex smirked as the toned girl in front of him snapped her attention back to him. Maybe not mentally, but physically she was the epitome of health minus the smoking. She ate healthily, she worked out, she did training for cheerleading three times a week.

“Sorry. The next time I go to light up I’ll be sure to remember and give the cigarette to you so you can stick it up your ass instead.” Ivy rolled her eyes and began walking away from Alex and towards the street.

“Oh come on Ivy, we’re picking up your cousin, why walk when you can just hop on into the car with us?” Alex played, deliberately trying to irritate the girl. “I know Jack’s a shit driver, but… oh wait! It’s not because of Jack, is it?” He asked almost cheekily. “It’s because someone has a reputation to uphold.” He practically sung the last part of his sentence.

Ivy ignored him and kept walking.

“Yo, Dawson, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you can get Ivy to ride in a car with us.” She heard Alex say through the open back passenger seat window to whom Ivy knew as Zack’s other friend, Rian.

“Fucking assholes.” Ivy muttered, and as she walked out of the school gates she stole a quick glance back at the car and pretended not to feel Jack’s dark brown eyes still looking at her through the windshield.

“Do you always need to be such a dick to her?” Alex rose his eyebrows at his best friend’s question upon getting back into the car, Jack sounding partially unattached and bored of the situation.

“Sorry Jack, when did you become Mother Teresa?” Alex responded sarcastically, Rian chuckling in the back seat as they waited for Zack. He had just sent Rian a text saying he just had to get a few things out of his locker and then he’d be out.

“I’m not fucking Mother Teresa, Alex. I just-”

“I do imagine fucking Mother Teresa would be quite difficult Jack, seeing as she is a nun.” Alex interjected with a smirk; religion had never really been his piece of cake.

“Was a nun, Alex. Was a nun. She’s no longer with us.” Rian clarified, sitting forward in his seat and practically leaning his head in between the two front seats with a smirk of his own face.

Alex laughed. “Well that factor makes it even harder, doesn’t it?” He asked rhetorically.

“Was she even a nun?” Rian played with a laugh baring his white piano key teeth in a smile, but he honestly was curious.

“Alright, we get it. You’re both fucking hilarious, but my point is that you just try to provoke her every time you see her, even today when you know something is going on with her and her family which is why Zack hasn’t been able to rock up to practice-”

“Jack, we’ve been through this before. She has no fucking respect for herself, seeing as she can put up with being Towson’s ‘it’ girl and not give a shit about anyone beneath her, especially us. Therefore how can I have respect for her? And so what about her family? Rian’s family has been and is going through shit, no one threw or is going to throw him a pity party… no offense Ri.” Alex said, turning to Rian.

“None taken.” Rian smiled, completely in terms with the fact that his mother and father had had a divorce a couple years back. His mother was now in the process of getting remarried to a man that Rian had spent the better part of knowing him taking a strong disliking to him.

“When has this chick ever done anything remotely nice for you?” Alex asked Jack inquisitively as if furthering his case.

“I don’t think I’ve ever spoken a word to her.” Jack shrugged, looking out the window as Zack exited the school doors.

“Exactly, and what the fuck does that tell you? That if the situation was the other way around, she wouldn’t be sticking up for you.” Alex didn’t even give Jack a chance to answer the question he had asked, answering it for him immediately.

“I’m not sticking up for her, I’m just thinking of Zack. It’s not easy for him to be stuck in the middle of this all the time.” Alex pondered Jack’s statement. It was rare Jack acted so serious, so he supposed he had a point seeing as when he was serious he was usually right.

“Get me the fuck away from this school… now.” Zack said moments later, pulling the back door open and taking a seat behind Jack.

“Bad day?” Rian asked the newest occupant of the car as Zack rolled up the tinted window and leaned his head against it, Jack starting up the engine and making his way out of the turning circle fast.

“I went off at Ivy about something I shouldn’t have about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Don’t worry, I did too.” Alex replied with a laugh. “Next time I’ll keep my knowledge on the harms of smoking to myself.”

“You saw Ivs?” Zack asked, head off the window as he was more attentive.

“Yeah, and she told me to fuck off. She’s a lovely girl.” Alex continued sarcastically, Jack and his conversation left back at Towson. “I can totally tell that you’re related.”

“She’s going through a lot at the moment…” Zack tried to stick up for his cousin, but at the moment he could barely be bothered to make excuses. “I’d say ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean it’, but you and I both know she probably did.”

At this the whole car cracked a smile.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to apologize for being a Dulaney bitch the next time I see her, which will probably be in another three months or something.” Alex laughed, turning up the radio as Jack sped through an amber light…