Life on a Line

It was a quiet autumn’s day here in the Gaskarth-Barakat household, or so everyone thought.
Alex lived in that house with his loving little thirteen year old step brother, Jack. Little did their parents’ know that Alex was suicidal and even though his parents didn't know, Jack did. Jack knew everything about his older brother because he cared about Alex more than anyone else.
Alex was in high school, he often got teased for being different than everyone. Alex wasn't like the rest, no instead of football he picked band, instead of partying every Friday night he would dedicate his time to Jack and go out to the movies to watch the latest flick his little brother wanted to see. Alex would rather spend time with his little brother; the gift of making him happy was a joy. Jack had the goofiest grin anyone could have, but that’s why Alex loves him.
Those aren't the only reason why Alex gets teased. He isn't straight. He’s gay and everyone at Dulaney High School knows it like it’s nobody’s business. There being gay is not okay, it’s like you worship the devil there.
With a life on a line and something surprising it takes us into our tale of a teenage boy's life
Alex’s Point of View
Great, another day at hell or school as what most people call it. I honestly can’t stand people here. Is it that bad to be different? I’m just glad I get to pick up the person I love so much after hell, my little thirteen year old step brother Jack. I love him so much, he knows what I do though, and I can’t hide things from him, I just can’t.
Sadly, tonight will be the last night I will have with him. The insults have gone too far. I know what they call me “Gay” “Loser” “No one cares about you, not even your baby brother.” So once Jack and I are finished doing everything he wants to do I will put a note right by him. He would read it and I would be already gone by the early morning, swept away by the blade that rests in my little lock box under the bed filled with all my prized possessions.
Once I see that it’s time for me to leave for school I go to Jack’s room to give him his last good morning hug and kiss. I feel bad for leaving him though, I've told him everything and he understands but he never thought I would be so far away from him for good.
I shake Jack a little bit to get him up for school and say “I love you Jacky, don’t worry I will be there right after school to pick you up and we can do everything you want to do as soon as you get into my car okay.” I say pulling away.
“Can we even play guitar at the coffee shop? I heard they had an open mic-night!” My baby brother asked my seventeen year old self.
“Definitely, if you give me your guitar then I can bring it to school with me and get it set up when I’m in band okay.” I say almost getting teary eyed due to the fact Jack won’t have a big brother anymore.
Jack jumps off his bed gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear “You’re the best big brother ever Lex.”
I am on the verge of crying right now, but I can’t, people tease me enough I can’t let them know I was crying so that they can call me “Emo fag” again.
“You’re the best little bro ever. Don’t let anyone say different, okay. I need to get going now little bud so; can I have your guitar?” I say lovingly.
He gets up and gives his guitar to me and says “I trust you won’t hurt Tom.” He says jokingly giving me the guitar he named after the brother he never met.
Tom was my brother before it all happened. But things happen and that’s why my mom got remarried because with Tom gone, my dad went too. He still lives but just doesn't want to be around a son related to Tom. He never really liked me anyway, so it was nice when mom got married to Bassam. He’s better than my real dad, Peter, but my parents don’t know about my self-mutilation, that’s a secret only Jack knows. He only found out when he heard my thirteen year old self crying with my bedroom door closed. Jack knew I was hurting from Tom’s death; he helped me through everything and did everything with me. Just like how I am when I’m around Jack. Even though he was only nine at the time he still cared about me. Bassam and my mom did too, but I put up my walls greatly when I’m around them. I can tell Jack anything and everything, just like my parents but they would send me to rehab and not see Jack and I can’t lose my baby brother. I care about Jack and Jack only.
“I’d never hurt him Jacky, you know that. I love you Jacky, have fun at school okay little bro.” I say as I walk out of his room.
I pick up my book bag and keys to go to my car for school. I just hope no one will care about picking on the “Emo” kid today, but that would totally happen. NOT.
Once I got to school I walked into the doors and as always the people who hated me most, Rian Dawson, Zack Merrick, Matt Flyzik along with his fake cheerleader girlfriend, Holly Madison. They taunted me until the bell rung. Looks like U.S History for me.
U.S History was pretty normal for me, the name calling, papers thrown and a few remarks thrown in about Jack or Tom, nothing unusual for me.
Finally last period came so I can go to band and tune Jack’s guitar and make sure it’s set for open mic night. I just hope he understands that when I’m gone he will have to rely on mom and dad.
The bell rings an hour later and I head to my car to pick Jack up from school. I look at the time and see that Jack doesn't get out for another fifteen minutes so I head to the Starbucks nearby to pick up his favorite drink and dessert from there, a Java Chip Frappuccino and a Cheesecake Brownie, for myself I get a White Chocolate Mocha with a Strawberry Blueberry Yogurt Parfait.
After I pay for our items I wait out at the carpool lane to pick him up. I see him and motion to him that I’m here. He goes into my car and I hug him.
“What’s up little bro, I got you your favorite from Starbucks.” I say while passing him his Frappuccino and brownie.
“Thanks Lex you’re awesome.” He says sadly with a teary eyed face.
“What’s wrong Jacky, anything troubling you?” I ask kindly.
“People were calling me names and saying things about you. I don’t like it when people say things about you.” He says teary eyed when we get home. I go to his side and pick him up, his fingers grasping my Blink-182 hoodie like a small child grasping onto their mother and legs laced around my back.
“Shush…Shush Jacky you don’t need worry about me okay.” I say in hopes he will calm down.
“B-b-but Alex I-I-have to worry about you, your my big brother. You’re my only brother. I want to protect you like you do for me.” He says as we walk upstairs to my room.
“I am your big brother and bigger brothers take care of their little brothers Jacky, I’m seventeen and your thirteen therefore I take care of you.” I say as we walk into my bedroom, lying down on my bed, his body on top of mine.
“Thank you Lex.” He whispers.
“Now how about you pick out our song for open mic-night now?” I ask trying to get the crying boy happy again.
“Let’s sing your song, Six Feet under the Stars!” He says jumping up dancing around my room.
Now that’s a happy Jack, I mindlessly think to myself.
“So when does this start anyway because I will have to tell mom and dad.” I say raising my eyebrows.
“At eight, it’s at the coffee shop off of Thames Street and South Broadway, Coffee Notes.” He says with joy just flowing out of his eyes.
“Meet me on Thames Street, I’ll take you out though I’m hardly worth your time in the cold you look so fierce but I’m warming up because the tension's like a fire, we’ll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes and like a bad movie I’ll drop a line, fall in the grave I've been digging myself but there’s room for two, six feet under the stars.” I sing softly to my baby brother.He dances childishly around my room, his big grin glowing like the sun. It makes me forget my problems; maybe I won’t do something stupid tonight.
“No Alex, you will do that, run the blade, feel the rush. Leave.” My conscience tells me
“I can’t he’s my baby brother.” I say back to my conscience.
“He doesn't care Alexander. Just leave.” He says again.
“Yes he does and maybe I will!” I yell to the voice in my head. I get mad and realized I screamed, fist up in the air with a thirteen year old crying child trying to bring it down, pain stinging my knuckles and a hole in my bedroom door.
“Jacky I’m sorry, he took me away again.” I say crying, knowing he hates when my conscience takes over.
“Why is he here A-Alex?” Stuttering, tears flowing hard, clinging onto me as if he doesn't I would never come back.
“I don’t know buddy I really don’t.” I say hugging tighter onto him.
“Jack, Alex your mom and I are home! Do you have plans?” Bassam yells from the stairs.
I pick up Jack and hold him on my hip with an arm around his waist as we walk down stairs.
“Yeah dad, Jack and I are going to open mic-night at Coffee Notes.” I say as we walk into the kitchen where Bassam and our mom, Isobel.
“Awe, I must get a picture you boys are too cute!” Our mom says in her British accent, while finding her camera.
“Will you two be playing there?” Bassam asks, already knowing the answer though.
“Yeah daddy, Alex and I are playing Six Feet under the Stars!” My baby brother says.
He hugs us together and as we hug a flashing sound goes off, knowing it’s our mom taking a picture.
“Now shouldn't you two be going? Music and melody are on the phone and they want you two!” Our mom says, pushing us out the front door.
I walk out the door, Jack still on my hip. “Ready little buddy?” I say as I place him in the passenger seat.
“I’m nervous Alex. What if we screw up or if those mean people you tell me about are there?” He says worriedly as I start the car and drive down
“Don’t be Jack, we won’t screw up and if they’re here then I’ll protect you. Big brothers protect the little ones when mommies and daddies aren't around.” I say babying Jack like I always have. I can’t help it, Tom treated me like that when he was around and it caught on, I have no plan to let it though, plus he likes it when I baby him and that’s all I care about.
“I hope you’re right Lex.” He says as we pull into Coffee Notes parking lot.
“Jack-Jack, I’m always right, remember all the other times we played here, nothing bad happened. Now get your guitar from the trunk.” I say using the button to open it.
We get our guitars and walk into the coffee shop. The manager walks up to us and he comes to talk to us.
“Hey Alex, Jack. Let me guess you want to sign up for mic-night; well you’re in luck, because no one has signed up and it’s about time to start. You get to place the whole set and Emerald Moon is looking for someone to sign so they sent their talent scout here to sign someone so, are you in.” The manager named Jeremy says. Jack and I have been going to Coffee Notes since forever so Jeremy knows us pretty well.
“Lexy can we please, please do it!” Jack says compellingly while jumping up and down.
“It’s your choice Jack.” I say while trying to think straight. Maybe if the talent scout likes us then we can move out of this town, be happy and leave all my problems behind.
“Like any talent scout would hire you. Look at yourself Alexander, you're fat and ugly. You have no talent.” My conscience says.
“No your wrong, Jack and I have talent so shut up and let me perform.”
“Alexander really?”
“Ignoring you.”
“Don’t bother Alexander.”
“Alex, what’s wrong Alex!” Jack says waking me from my argument with my conscience.
I stare with wide eyes and say “He came again, the second time today.”
“You’ll be fine right?” Jack asks me even though he already knows the answer.
“Yeah Jack, remember don’t worry about me.” I say with a little bit of stress in my voice. He nods and we wait till it’s time to go on the small stage they put up for the open mic-nights.
By the time it’s time to go on Jeremy announces us for the night until I see some certain someone’s from school, Rian Dawson and his gang. I tense up a bit but Jack keeps me grounded as Jeremy talks.
“Welcome everyone to open mic-night here at Coffee Notes; I’m the owner, Jeremy Davis. We actually have someone very special here in our audience tonight, Mr. James Robinson from Emerald Moon Records. He is a talent scout looking for talent; because we only had one sign up for tonight they will be doing our whole time here for open mic-night. Please welcome Alex Gaskarth and his little brother, Jack Barakat!” Jeremy says and leaves the stage, cuing us to go on.
“Hi everyone, I want to say thanks for coming out tonight before we go on tonight. As Jeremy said, I’m Alex and this is my little brother Jack. First we will be playing our original song, Six Feet under the Stars. Thank you very much and we hope you enjoy tonight.” I say just to really let Jack get settled. We start and look off into the distance, getting lost in the lyrics, while Jack gets lost in the chords and backing vocals.
“Time to lay claim to the evidence
Fingerprints sold me out
But our footprints washed away from the docks downtown
It's been getting late for days
And I think myself deserving of a little time off
We can kick it here for hours
And just mouth off about the world
And how we know it's going straight to hell
Pass me another bottle, honey
The Jaeger’s so sweet
But if it keeps you around then I'm down
Meet me on Thames Street
I'll take you out though I'm hardly worth your time
In the cold you look so fierce, but I'm warm enough
Because the tension's like a fire
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself
But there's room for two
Six feet under the stars
I should have known better than to call you out
(On a night like this, a night like this)
If not for you, I know I'd tear this place to the ground
(But I'm alright like this, alright like this)
I'm gonna roll the dice before you sober up and get gone
(I'm always in over my head)
Thames Street
I'll take you out though I'm hardly worth your time
In the cold you look so fierce, but I'm warm enough
Because the tension's like a fire
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself
But there's room for two
Six feet under the stars
Time to lay claim to the evidence
Fingerprints sold me out
But our footprints washed away
I'm guilty, but I'm safe for one more day
Overdressed and underage (what a letdown)
"Do you really need to see an ID?”
This is embarrassing as hell (what a letdown)
But I can cover for it so well
When we're six feet under the stars
Thames Street
I'll take you out though I'm hardly worth your time
In the cold you look so fierce, but I'm warm enough
Because the tension's like a fire
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself
But there's room for two
Six feet under the stars
Six feet under the stars
Six feet under the stars”
We finish the song and get a standing ovation, except from Rian and his goons. They look like they want to kick our asses right now but, that’s the last thing on my mind right now, right now is maybe getting a record deal with Emerald Moon.
“Thank you so much everyone, now for our next song, Weightless.”
Manage me, I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book half unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough
But I'm stuck in this fucking rut,
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over getting older
If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old
Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here
Make believe that I impress
That every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless, wanna live it up just because (just because)
I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough
If I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by
I'm over getting old
Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here
This could be all that I've waited for (I've waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything, I don't wanna dream anymore
Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy, I'm stuck in here (I'm stuck in here)
Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction to everything I fear (everything I fear)
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here’
Everyone claps, even Mr. Robinson, though everyone else is clapping Rian and his gang still seem mad. After we play Weightless Jack and I start to cover a few songs, New Found Glory’s Head on Collision, Wheatus’ Teenage Dirtbag and Blink-182’s Feeling This, Jack singing Tom’s part and I singing Mark’s.
We finish up our covers with our parents walking in on Teenage Dirtbag. Sadly, Rian’s gang is still there by the time we have one more song left, Therapy. We start our song and I can feel the tears approaching my eyes, but keeping my head down against the shield of my hair covering my face.
I break down towards the end of the song, I can’t take it anymore. I run outside, hearing Jack calling me in the distance. I run, to Jack and I’s place, the little clearing by the river. It’s a nice place, the trees covering the area, the crystal blades of grass and the quietness.
“Do it Alexander, I know you have the blade, just do it. You know you want to,”
Must fight it.
“Stop fighting, just do it,”
Keep fighting.
“Do it, do it, do it,”
Does anyone care?
“Jack sure doesn't”
Don’t say that.
“Why isn't he here then?”
He’s looking for me now.
“Take out the blade, run it down your pretty little arms Alexander!”
No!
“Just let go!”
N-No!
“Alexander! I thought I knew you better than this, you always listen to me! How dare you not!”
I finally listen to him. I grab the blade from my pocket and brush the fine metal against the skin of my arms. The blood makes little droplets on my skin and fall down. As I keep brushing it against me I hear a voice filled with pain.
“Alex no! Please no, don’t do it!” It’s my little brother calling me. He runs up to me and hugs me, crying like crazy.
“Jack please let me leave this place, I can’t anymore. Let me die!” I say pleading for him to let me go and fall into the heavens awaiting.
“No! Please no Alex! Don’t leave me alone! Who will be there for me when I’m hurt? When I cry? No please!” He says pleadingly.
“Mom and dad are always there Jack. You won’t be alone.” I say holding him tight.
“But I don’t want to go to them, I need to go to you Alex, you’re the only one that understands me,” He says. “Mom and dad don’t understand what it’s like at school, like the rumors that go around about me! I don’t have any friends because of them! You’re my only friend and brother!” He cries.
“What about that Joe Kirkland kid, isn't he you friend, he came over a few times.” I say, my little brother still clutching me.
“I paid him to pretend he was my friend!” Jack screamed into my chest, myself hearing bushes being ruffled as if someone was there, shrugging it off.
“Oh Jacky, please tell me you haven’t done....self harm.”
Jack stays quiet, taking off all the bracelets he had on his arm, along with taking his grey Converse and socks off, showing me words and cuts, scared forever into his skin.
“Failure”, “Monster”, “Worthless”, “Disgrace”, “Tragedy” and, “Nightmare.”
I cry and I pull him into my lap. “Jack-Jack please tell me these aren't real. Tell me i’m dreaming.”
“I-I-I wish I could, I only followed your footsteps, I wanted to be like you.” He said truthfully.
“No one should be like me, I’m a wreck, please promise me you won’t do this ever again.” I say as our tears slow down.
“As long as you do to.” My brother says, holding out his pinky. I latch mine to his, making a promise that stays together, forever.