I'll Never Let You Down

My life is so fucking bad. I hate it! School problems, family problems... its all been making me stressed and pissed off. So many emotions go through my head. I have one friend who seems to care but I cant talk about it! I need to scream at the top of my lungs til I die. Sharing doesnt do shit for me. My parents and school mates say im not the man I should be. I dont know why.

They always blame me for shit I dont do, take everything they have out on me when Im not the problem. They call me a liar and I shouldnt be the man anyone will believe.

Theres a voice in my head and another person I see in front of me, a copy of me basically, that is ready to kill themselves. Or Myself if you will.. But if that seems to be their way out, count me in, im coming. Though maybe in a different way than that. But all I am is scared and im used to being scared and afraid. I back out before I win my prize of never living again.

Each day is a different story. I try to stand up for myself so that means, no help. I cant look like a pussy in the middle of the school hall! And seriously, they need to stop trying to act like theyre all that. Bullies always beat me down and try to make me spill about my home life so more people can make fun of me because its sooo hilarious. But I wont let them know my life. Thats why they say im not the man you should believe.

Tonight I thought, again, about suicide. But as always, im scared. Ive cut myself before, yes, then I stopped because I couldnt handle the blood. It makes me nauseous. Instead, I took all my sleeping pills at once. “Count me in, I'm coming.” I said aloud to myself. Tears were dripping down my face. I got in bed only to never get up again. Then for a split second I thought about what im leaving behind. Nothing important. Though maybe dying wasnt winning. What if there was a prize for me in the future. Suicide was willingly quitting at the game of life.

But hey, I always quit before I win.