Tomorrowland

I’m back into a conscious state but I look around and Joel is nowhere in my sight. I move my arms to reach for the nurse call button but they’re stuck. I pull harder but I still can’t move them. I look down and wrapped around my torso is a white straight jacket restraining my arms. The wooden door opens and in steps the same evil doctor but in different teal scrubs. How long have I been asleep?

“Good morning Mr. Monroe. How are you today?” he’s asking me but won’t make eye contact.

His eyes roam across a chart on a dark wood clipboard. I open my mouth to reply but it’s so dry I can’t even say a word.

“Can’t talk, huh? Don’t worry that’s normal. You’re in a bit of shock and you haven’t used your vocal cords since you’ve been out. The nurse will bring you some fluids shortly.” The words leave his mouth but I can’t comprehend.

“How long have I been out?” I barley manage to choke out.

“About 4 days.” He answers so casually like he just told someone the time.

What?! 4 days?! How could this be?! I swear it wasn't that long. Wait! Where’s Joel?! Did he leave?! Is he gone?! Did he leave me?! Where is he?!

I want to ask but it’s too late. The doctor has turned away and walked out. Besides I wouldn't be able to say anything anyways. My throat feels like it’s cracking. Thankfully the nurse walks in with a pitcher of water and ice for me. Before she can leave I make a huge gesture so she’ll stay. She hands me a pen and a prescription pad to write on.

“Where is Joel? The guy who brought me here.”

“Oh him. He has come every day for the past for days. He was here today too but left at about nine o’clock.” She pours me a glass and I write some more.

“What time is it now?”

“It’s 2:30 in the morning.” She points at the wall clock, which is one the very few things in this dull white walled room.

I don’t understand why rehabs and institutes have white rooms. It’s so very depressing. I get lost in thought and when I look again the nurse is gone. I’m alone. So very alone right now. The only company I have right now is my thoughts but believe me they are in no way reassuring.

Misery is the only thing I have now. Everything has been taken away from me. Even my clothes and phone. I just lost the only man I will ever love and it’s my own damn fault. Why do I have to be so stupid? I am so in love with him and I threw it all away.

The nurse told me that he comes everyday (even though I haven’t been awake). Does that mean he’s waiting for me? Why would he? I went behind his back and did the only thing he asked me not to. I don’t deserve him. I never have and never will. But with my last shred of hope, after this is all over I really want to still be able to call him mine.

I’m being suffocated by my own mind. The part of me that’s always been there telling me to give up has returned. I know I should have prepared my heart to be alone once again. This is the worst sentence. The most confined prison and the only one I can never escape. I lie back down and drift off once again. It’s a new scene, at least it’s new to me.

***********************

“Stop. What are you doing?” I playfully ask as the familiar hands close off my eyesight.

“You’ll see, baby” he whispers in my ear and his breathe tickles my neck making my dick erect a little.

He lifts his fingers away and I smile from cheek to cheek of the realization. We’re on a date but it’s a special date. We’re celebrating our 9 month mark and for the occasion he’s taken me to my favorite sushi house. I know he doesn’t like seafood himself, which is what makes this so special to me.

We eat the most delicious sushi that has ever been on my taste buds. He even ends up liking some of what is on their menu to my surprise. We have some saki but not too much. He picks up the tab even though I wish his pride would let me pay for once. I can afford it and he can’t that much.

To end the night the two of us decide to take a late walk in the park. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we walk with our fingers interlocked. The street lights give off this rustic dark look which I adore. It’s mysterious and spooky and to me it’s a perfect night. The sky is dark with few stars and I don’t see anyone out here besides us.

That is until he shows up. My dealer. I hide my face a little in Joel’s chest, hoping that he doesn't notice me. But with my tattoos and choice of clothing it’s hard to not be missed. The same guy who first gave me the drug, the same guy I sucked off is walking our way and I’m panicking.

“Jayy! Hey man. How’s my favorite client? Did you like that new batch? Told you the guy I got it from makes some good shit.” He rambles on and I’m shaking.

“Babe, is he talking about what I think he is?” Joel pushes me away from his body and holds my shoulders. I’ve never been more mortified in my life. The truth is out and even if I say no it won’t matter. He knows now.

“I can’t believe you. Do you have a death wish? Are you trying to kill yourself? Do I not make you happy?” his voice rises in anger and I’ve never felt more sorry in my life.

“No, baby. It’s not that. You do ma-“

“Then why do you need to use?!” he cuts me off and is pracitcialy screaming. Joel is a very calm, sweet guy. I’ve never seen him act like this to anyone. Especially not me.

“I’m sorry. Ok? I’m hooked. I’m an addict. I can’t stop. I just can’t.” I break down and cry in the middle of the walk way. I don’t even care at this point what their judgmental eyes see. I’m breaking.

“Yes you can. But I don’t want to be with you until you are clean.” He says firmly while looking the other direction. He won’t even look me in the eye. Do I repulse him that much?

“I’m sorry but I have to go. I can’t stay.” My voice breaks and I wipe the tears.

I run as fast I can through the dark night. Now it doesn’t seem so romantic. It seems tragic, hopeless and lost, kind of like me. As I run my heart seems to be collapsing in my chest. I can’t breathe and as I keep my eyes open while sprinting the wind gets in them and my vision is becoming harder.

I rush into the public Men’s bathroom and shut myself in the first available stall I see. I lock the door and put my foot on it. I pull out my small stash and hold the all of my ‘happy’ pills. The small blue and white pills shake due to my unstable hands. He’s leaving me. Why be here? If I can’t have him then I don’t want anything out of life.

I push them into my mouth and swallow without any water. It takes a few minutes to kick in but when they do it’s terrifying. Due to the amount I’ve taken I’m having the worst trip of my life. I fall on the hard floor and shake violently. The room is black and white, it’s spinning. Round and around but yet it’s not. Everything is still but the walls are moving at warped speed. The voices. Oh no! Not the voices.

“Kill yourself.”

“You loser”

“You’re a faggot”

“Why exists? No one wants you”

”Just take some more. It always seems to help.”

“He could never love you the way we do.”

“GET OUT” I scream until my throat feels numb. I punch the mirror which makes my whole left hand bleed.

I scream even louder from the pain. The trip is causing hallucinations and I’m beyond scared. There’s blood everywhere. It’s gushing out of the sink faucets and overflowing on the floor, I can’t even see the tiles. It’s falling from my mouth and adding on to the already blood-drenched bathroom. I can’t say a word, blood is flowing from my mouth too fast.

Why did I do this? I don’t want to die, I’m just scared to lose Joel. It doesn’t matter. I’ve already lost him and now I’m going to face my fate. I wanted to live, trust me. But I’m too gone now. I let the voices speak their awful words and the hallucinations of monsters attacking me rain on.

It feels like ages since I began this horrible trip but it’s probably only been 20 minutes. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs for the help that will never come. This time Joel can’t save me. I’m as good as dead.