As Long As You're Beside Me

My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. Not only that, but my hands were starting to get sweaty and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. I used to love this same feeling, because it would only happen right after I was finished with a show. But recently, the feeling had been happening more often, especially when it was time to go meet the fans.

At first, I couldn’t understand it. I thought something was really wrong with me! Like, physically wrong. Okay, I though I was dying, to be honest. And then came the Collide With The Sky Tour and it only got worse. So finally, I decided to bite the bullet and go to the doctor. After a couple of tests and the doctor continually assuring me that I was not dying, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. Me. Kellin Fucking Quinn has Social Anxiety Disorder, or SAD. And yeah, it is really fucking sad.
And now here I was, staring at a huge group of our fans, waiting for us to come over and take pictures and sign their stuff. I was walking next to Vic, but as we got closer and the fans got louder, I couldn’t bear to walk any further. I slowed my pace and looked at Vic as he turned to me, a questioning look on his face.

“What’s the matter, Kells?” He asked, his voice laced with confusion.

“Uh..I-I..I left something in the bus…I-I need to go get it, yep.” And before he could ask anything else, I turned on my heel and walked to the bus as quickly as I could without breaking into a run.

When I walked into the empty bus, I felt like a completely different person. My anxiety had almost immediately went away, me only being left with a slight feeling of shakiness. I sighed and flopped down on the couch, rubbing my hands over my face. I had to get a grip on this. I couldn’t keep ignoring the fans, it wasn’t right. I longed for the days when I could walk out there and laugh and joke around with them. Meeting the fans used to be my favorite part of the whole experience, but now it just seemed like another chore, a task, and a really fucking intimidating one, at that.
After awhile, all the anxiety had faded and I was beginning to feel better. I was even starting to think that I’d be able to handle going out and facing the crowd, that is, until I decided to open up Twitter on my phone.

As I scrolled through, I saw tweet after tweet from fans saying that they were disappointed because they hadn’t been able to meet me. Some tweets were from fans just expressing their sadness at the fact that I didn’t show but the majority of them were angry. I was being called and asshole, rude, a prick…and that was just the tame stuff. My eyes widened as I scrolled through, not really wanting to look at it, but I couldn’t look away.

That overwhelming feeling of anxiety hit me once more, making me feel like I could throw up at any second. I couldn’t be mad at the fans. This wasn’t like some random haters getting off on saying bad things about me. This was all my fault. I’m the one who made them angry because I wasn’t doing my duty as a performer. My mind began to race, the words from the tweets entering and slamming into all the sides of my brain.

I threw my phone on the other side of the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest. I tried to focus on my breathing, but the insults just kepts running through my mind and then I began to wonder what others were saying about me, what kind of rumors were going around. After a few minutes of that, I could feel tears prick my eyes and I had to release my grip on my legs, so I could try and breathe properly.

What if this ruined everything for me? What if this fucking…condition managed to ruin my life and my career, but not only me, what about Jesse, Gabe, Justin, Jack? What about them? I was going to ruin everyone’s lives! Everything we dreamed of, it was gonna be a waste because I couldn’t get a grip on myself and go out and talk to some fucking fans! I had been so stuck in my head that I didn’t realize that Vic had come on the bus until I heard him telling me to breathe in and out, slowly.

“Kells…you gotta breathe.” He said, softly.

I felt his hand on my back, rubbing it softly, trying to soothe me, I guess. I closed my eyes, focusing on his hand and on my breathing. It kept catching as I began to fill my lungs with air. I felt so stupid and helpless. And the fact that Vic didn’t know what was wrong with me just made everything worse. I figured I’d have to tell him at some point, might as well be now.

“Kells, what was that all about?” Vic asked once I had managed to calm down a little.

I looked over to him and watched as he sat down on the floor by the couch. I bit my bottom lip, afraid of what he’d think of me, of what was wrong with me. Would he think I was pathetic? I mean, the whole thing is pretty pathetic. I’m a fucking singer in a world famous band and I can’t handle talking to some fans? Sounds pathetic to me. But either way, Vic was my friend and he deserved to know.

“I’ve got to tell you something.” I said, unable to look at him anymore. So, I just stared down at my shoes.

“What’s the matter, Kellin?” He asked, his voice filled with concern now.

“Okay, so remember when I said I wasn’t feeling well and I went to the doctor?” I asked, knowing full well that he knew what I was talking about.

I could feel his eyes on me as he spoke.

“Yeah, I remember. You said you had a sore throat.” He said.

I shook my head. “Well, i lied. My throat was fine. But I did go to the doctor.” I said, my voice growing quieter as I continued to speak.

I felt Vic shift on the floor and then the next moment he was sitting beside me on the couch. I could feel his stare burning into me and I couldn’t just not look at him anymore. I turned my face to look into his dark eyes, wishing I hadn’t. His eyes were full of concern, like he thought something was seriously wrong with me. Which, there was, but nothing life threatening.

“Kells, please tell me what’s wrong, you’re scaring me.” He said, his voice urgent.

I sighed heavily before speaking, still looking at him. “I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, Vic…which is why I haven’t been going out with you to meet the fans. I c-can’t. It literally terrifies me…the amount of people out there.” I said. “And now, the fans are attacking me on Twitter and saying I’m rude and calling me an asshole.” I added, my voice small and quiet. Those words hurt a lot worse than I thought they would.

I felt Vic arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him in a one armed hug. I leaned into it, even though the nice gesture just made me feel emotional. I sniffed a little, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Kells…don’t worry about what they say. They don’t understand what you’re going through. I don’t even understand it, but if you can’t help it, then you just can’t, y’know?” He said.
Vic’s words didn’t really make me feel better, because I still felt like shit for ignoring the fans. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I guess he knew that I didn’t feel better because the next thing I knew, I was beign pulled into a real hug.

“Kellin, I’m serious. Everything’s gonna be okay. You’re Kellin Fucking Quinn, you’re not gonna let something like this take you down, are you?” He asked as he pulled away, a hint of smile on his lips.

I smiled back in spite of myself. He did have a point. But still, I could feel that tugging of doubt that threatened to take over everything. What if I couldn’t beat it? And that’s exactly what I asked him.

“What if it does take me down, Vic?” I looked into his eyes, my lips being tugged into a frown.

He shook his head, “I refuse to believe that. Kellin, if you can get up on that fucking stage and sing in front of thousands of people, you can do anything. These kids aren’t gonna hurt you, they want to see you and talk to you. It makes their day or their week, y’know? And I’ll be there with you. I won’t leave your side, I promise.” He said, looking straight into my eyes so I knew that he wasn’t lying.

I smiled widely, then. “You’ll really stand with me the whole time?” I asked.

He laughed, “I’ll even hold your fucking hand if I have to.”

I rolled my eyes, “No, you don’t have to do that. But you can stand beside me, I would like you to do that.” I said, smiling at him.

He nodded, “Then it’s settled. No worries, Kellin. You can beat this. I’m gonna help you, okay? Now, there’s still some kids outside, are you ready to go try this?” He asked.

I nodded slowly as I stood up. “As long as you’re beside me.” I responded, before walking off of the bus with a wide smile on my face.