Kian

GOING ON INSTAGRAM doesn't help. Going on Snapchat doesn't help.

I still feel numb.

Remembering his face inches away from mine makes me numb. Remembering how his lips crashed into mine makes me numb. Remembering Jonathan’s kiss makes me numb. But what sucks is that his kiss doesn’t make me mad or annoyed. Or even the least bit disgusted.

Jonathan's kiss shocked me. But it’s something worth repeating in my head because in a sense, it makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. But for all the wrong reasons.

Eunica comes over and sits in the edge of my bed. When she places a hand on my shoulder, I start to feel the tears build up near the corners of my eyes. She wraps her hands around me as the tears stream down my face.

“I feel like shit,” I say between my cries.

“I know,” Eunica whispers. “I know.”

I sniff loudly. “I feel so horrible for kissing Jonathan, but the thing is,” I draw in a long breath before continuing, “it wasn't all that bad.”

“Sometimes fate works in different ways,” Eunica whispers. “Sometimes we lean towards what we think we want but is it really what we want? Sometimes fate surprises us in ways we wish didn't happen, and that's okay.”

I cover my eyes with my hands. “It was supposed to be Kian.” My voice is muffled. I cry out, “I was suppose to kiss Kian!”

Eunica’s quiet, slowly running a hand through my hair.

“Beth?”

I sniff, slowing arching my head up. Eunica looks at me, waiting.

“Kian makes you happy, yes?”

I stare blankly at my best friend, thinking of saying yes. But as I rub my eyes, I begin to realize the answer is no. I didn't know Kian. I didn't know what makes him smile or what makes him happy. I didn't know what makes him frown or angry. I didn't know much about him. I didn't really know Kian.

Eunica says, “You feel butterflies in your stomach when you see Kian. But when you see Jonathan, you feel a sting forming at your chest, falling to the tips of your toes.”

I didn't know what to say.

Eunica looks at me carefully. “When you see Jonathan, your world crashes; it burns. And you don't know what to react to it. But with Kian, it's like he's the clearest rain; it cleanses. And you know how to react to it.”

“Love is undefined. Love is unseen. Beth, my darling, you cannot see love even through the clearest rain. John makes you happy, yes?” I remain quiet and listen to Eunica continue, “Then why don’t you feel the least bit adored?”

“Do you notice it in your eyes? When you see him? Or do you notice it in your toes? When you feel his presence?”

“The day we saw Jonathan at Tuck’s Bowling Alley, I knew,” she whispers, “from the way you both gravitate towards each other, I knew.”

“The day of the Bee Festival, Matthias and I were setting up and we saw you with Kian. We knew,” she says, “from the way you both leaned into each other it wouldn't last.”

“Why didn't you say anything?” I bury my head in her shoulder and sob harder. “Kian’s gonna hate me.”

Eunica pushes the hairs aside from my face and tucks the strands of hair behind my ear. “He's not gonna hate you.”

I rub my eyes, looking at Eunica’s wet shoulder. I apologize for it and she lightly laughs.

“I’m sorry for all that deep shit,” Eunica laughs, “You needed to hear it.”

I nod, sniffing. “I know.”

“Now, no more thinking about boys.”

“I know,” I weakly say, hearing my voice crack.

“Okay?”

I swallow. “Okay.”

Eunica straightens her back. “Do you want to go to a spa? My treat.”

I shake my head. “I don't want you to spend money on me.”

She snaps her fingers. “Let's go to the gym. Let's sweat out those feelings. Always work for me.”

I laugh, sniffing, again.

She cradles me again. “Or we can just stay home, watch Twin Peaks, and order Dominos. Your choice.”

Eunica pauses, waiting for my response.

“You hate Twin Peaks,” I comment, looking at Eunica closely.

She grins. “For you, I can watch tolerate it.”

I shake my head, standing up. I wipe the tears from my eyes and sniff, for the last time, I hope. I push the image of both boys out of my head and announce proudly, “Let's go to the gym.”