Love is Foolish

"I love you Audra."

Just hearing someone call her that made her happy. Her parents didn't want the name Audra, but eventually after a long fight decided to make it her middle name. They never called her that. It was always Kalina.

When he asked for her name, she refused to tell him until later. When she told him, he ranted about the names people choose and called her Kal.

She loved the fact Alex agreed to call her Audra. Its meaning, strength, made her happy. In Alex's arms she felt safe, safer than she felt in a long time.

But then she realized something. No matter how great this was she failed him. She wasn't supposed to fall in love, or let someone free, or cuddle with him if it wasn't for manipulation.

Even more she was his failure failing. She remembered his face when he realized he messed up. He fell because he didn't plan well enough. He didn't think about taking her until it was too late.

But her failure was oh so much worse. She had committed the worst crime ever. She had let her feelings take control and fall in love.

Thoughts were over whelming her.Maybe sharing with Alex would help. She doubted it but she had decided to be more honest. Opening her mouth hesitantly she shared her thoughts.

Alex convinced her that they could defeat it together, that she wasn't a failure. She was tempted to argue. But she realized it wouldn't get her anywhere. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

As usual the nightmares came. Normally she managed to block them. Today, if it was because her long talk with Alex down memory lane or visiting the grave, but the nightmares were worse.

She was remembering the woman dying, his laughter, the endless pain, crying for him to let her die, the woman slowly burning, his head spewing blood as he fell to the floor when the police surrounded them.

"You will continue my work."
"It's your job. When I won't be here. "
"Love is foolish. Love ruins your life. Never ever love. Promise me that. Kal, please, don't love."

She could recall his voice telling her that. And yet she just admitted she loved and now she was cuddled with a boy. She couldn't.

It was her fault he was dead, all her fault. She just couldn't. She ruined everything. It wasn't Alexs fault. He was right. She was a awful human being. She failed him and ruined Alexs life.

She couldn't win. Loving Alex would mean she was breaking her promise, his last wish. But getting rid of Alex would break his heart and hers. She loved him. She wanted to be with him forever. But the guilt was too much.

She was so torn, she felt herself tear apart more and more. She just couldn't.

She looked at the gun next to her bed. She was more and more tempted.

She felt sick of life, sick of  those decisions. Her life was full of pain and sadness. What did she do to deserve it?

She made a decision now it was time to follow it. She accepted long ago that men are mortal. She was already ready to die, since the day in the basement. She remembered it all too clearly.

"Soon I'll be with you." She whispered.

She grabbed the gun, and distangled Alex's arms. She looked at them again. One hand was full of burns. The other was scarred with her scratches. Both had the circled scar she had from the chains. All her fault. She ruined Alex's clear, scarless body. She stood up.

Alex looked adorable in his sleep, hair a mess, stubble growing, eyes closed. She called out gently "Alex wake up." After a few times, he opened his eyes sleepily.

"Alex, I love you. I'm so sorry for everything." She took relish in saying his name one last time. She could even begin to explain how sorry she was.

It's funny how when she was younger, especially in the basement, she wanted to write long suicide letters but it turns out everything she wanted to say could be summed down to 9 words.

She kept her eyes trained on him. He was beautiful. More beautiful than anything she ever saw. His deep brown cinnamon eyes.

Alex looked confused until he saw the gun in her hands. He lunged forward, trying to stop her but it was too late.

She smiled one last time before clicking the trigger. She didn't hesitate, didn't stutter. She wasn't scared. She was only sorry. She wanted to apologize to the world, to Alex, to the others she killed without a second glance, to him.

But it was a sign of weakness.

At that moment, before the bullet touched her, she realized she didn't care. Maybe he was wrong. After all, her last words were a apology. Was she after all weak?

Then it hit her. In a few milliseconds all of this wouldn't matter.

This was it. This was her big moment. This was her end.

A bang sounded.