I've Had It With This Game

“Lex, I was just too fucking tired to climb up to my bunk.” Zack says, unraveling his legs from mine and getting up, leaving me cold and sad.

“Ugh, fine, whatever.” He says, sulking. Lex sits down at the little table and pulls out his phone, taking selfies in his GLMR KLLS snapback. I sigh. That boy.

Ha, that boy. Like That Girl. Oh god Jack, you're making references to your own songs, you need coffee.

“I'm going for a coffee run, anyone want some?” I ask, getting up and standing next to Zack.

“You know what I want.” Lex mutters, uploading a picture to Instagram.

“My dick? Yeah, get over it, Lex. Ain't gonna happen.” I smirk. Lex looks up at me.

“Really, Jack? Really?” I nod and slip on my DCs, walking off the bus.

“I'll go with.” I hear Zack shout. I stop and turn around, waiting for him. I turn away from the bus. Fuck, it's still cold.

“Okay c'mon.” Zack says. He grabs my hand and starts running through the almost abandoned parking lot, dragging me along.

*****

“Here's your coffee, Lex.” I say, handing Lex his coffee, back on the bus. Zack and I didn't talk when we got coffee. It sounds awkward, but it wasn't. He held my hand when we were in the most abandoned, hipster coffee shop we could find; no one was there to see us.

“Thanks, Jackary.” He says, grabbing it out of my hand, eyes glued to his phone.

“Whatchya watching?” Zack asks, sitting across from Lex at the table where he was thirty minutes ago when we left him.

“The music video for Alone by Falling In Reverse. God, Ronnie is such a dick in this.”

“Isn't he in all his songs? I mean, I love him, but still.” Zack says.

“Yeah, I guess.” Alex says, not even looking up from his phone and or Ronnie Radke.

“I'm gonna get ready for my date. Where's Ri?”

“I'm assuming still at that hotel, having sexytimes with Cass.” Lex says. I look at him.

“I think we need to cut you off from tumblr.” I say.

“Agreed. Want help with a date outfit?” Zack says, standing up.

“I'll always be a tumblr boy.”

“I thought it was lost boy. Yeah, I'd love that.” I say the last part to Zack. He beams and Alex ignores my Peter Pan comment, now listening to Fashionably Late by Falling In Reverse.

“Okay, wear your dark blue skinnies,” Zack says, pulling them out of the drawer. “Aaaaaand your Drop Dead melting Mickey sweater.”

I never wear that. I actually, honestly, hate that fucking sweater. It creeps me out. But I don't say anything. I just grab the clothes out of his hand and walk into the tiny bathroom.

I strip down and put on the new date outfit. I actually look good. I stare in the mirror at myself.

God I'm ugly. I think as I turn around. On the back of the toilet there's a blade I taped there incase I ever needed- yes, needed- a relapse.

I reach for the blade and it's not there. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What if someone found it?

Did they know it was mine?

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod.

I sit on the toilet and try to control my breathing, putting my head between my knees.

There's a knock on the door.

“Jack, quit fucking JACKing off!” I hear Zack shout. Alex starts laughing. I stand up and take a deep breath, wiping away at tears that haven't even formed yet. I crumple my old outfit into a ball and open the door.

“Wow.” Zack says, under his breath. He looks up to see if I heard him, his eyes wide. I pretend I didn't.

“How do I look?” I ask, tossing my clothes on the ground.

“Good. Jaime is gonna have fun taking that outfit off, that's for sure.” Alex says, finally setting his phone down. That boy and his social media sites.

“Really, Alex?” I say, turning back to the mirror and running my fingers through my hair, making it stick up. I feel so fat in this baggy sweater. I mean, damn. That's another reason I hate this creepy ass sweater.

“You look sexy. I wish I was Jaime tonight.” Zack whispers in my ear. I ignore the comment and put hair spray in. I actually woke up in the middle of the night and took a shower, so I'm not crusty and rank.

There's a knock on the door.

“I got it!” Lex shouts, running towards the door. I hear him open it and groan.

“It's just Ri.” He says, walking back to his seat, head hanging down. Rian walks over and pushes Zack next to Alex so he can talk to me.

“What's the occasion?” Rian asks. He knows how much I hate this sweater.

“He's going on a date with a Mexican.” Alex shouts. Zack's looking at the floor, zoning out.

“That sounded racist.” I say, pumping some lotion into my hands and rubbing it on my arms. It helps me feel better about the cuts and scars being there.

“Which one?” Rian asks. I look at his hair. I keep forgetting he doesn't have a buzz cut anymore. Its so weird.

“Jaime.” I say, shaking my hands in the air so they dry faster.

“He's had a crush on you forever.” Rian says, scooting past me and into the bathroom. “And I have to shower, so get out.” he pushes me out and I smile.

I'm excited for this date. It should be fun.

“Zack, you okay?” Alex says, poking Zack's arm from across the table. Zack looks up and nods, faking a smile. I can always tell when he's faking.

“Yeah. Can I talk to you outside, Lex?” He asks. Lex furrows his eyebrows and nods after a second.

Zack gets up and walks outside, Lex following him. I roll my eyes. I think Zack's just looking for attention. Or maybe he wants his dad to stop “adopting” girls from Twitter. Mark Merrick is one funny man.

I flop down on my bunk and curl into a ball, taking a nap before the date.

Instead of falling asleep immediately, I come up with a plan.

I want to make Zack pay for using me the past two times.

I'm going to have sex with Jaime.