Transportation Miscalculation

Chapter 21 ~ Painful Past

~Loki~
Tears formed in Jinx’s eyes again and she turned so her back was against my chest, effectively hiding her face and the expressions on it from my view. I was about to turn her back to me and ask again when I heard her sigh.

“I will tell you what you want to know,” she began softly, “but I must warn you, the tale is not a happy one. I will not blame you if you ask me to stop before I finish. I just hope what I tell you doesn’t change your opinion of me, though it probably will.” Her voice was detached, as if she were distancing herself from the story before she even began.

“I love you now and I will love you when you finish. I pro-“

She put a finger to my lips before I finished, “I love you too, but do not make promises that you may not be able to keep. It was a long time ago, but I did some terrible things. I have tried to make up for it since, but there really is no way to make up for what I’ve done.”

I nodded once, “Tell me,” I pleaded, though in my mind I was jumping for joy that Jinx had returned my profession of love. She took a deep breath and I dispelled my thoughts so I could concentrate on the information about Jinx’s past.

~Jinx~
Just say it, I thought to myself, get it over with quick, like ripping off a bandage. He loves me now and perhaps he will still love me when I tell him of my horrible deeds. I honestly regret them, but it is too late for that to matter now. I took a deep breath and began.

~Loki~
Jinx’s exhale was shaky, but as she began talking her voice was steady, if a bit cold and detached. She was once again looking out into the horizon.

“I remember every moment of every day that I have been alive. This is probably the biggest curse I posses. It means that I can remember my parents loving me, caring for me. It also means I know the precise moment all that changed.

“I was one year old the first time my parents noticed my strangeness. I don’t know if it was my drastic change in eye color or if it was my first words coming out as a fully articulated sentence. Maybe it was both.”

Jinx went quiet for a moment as if lost in thought. All I kept wondering was how her parents could NOT love their remarkable child. Shouldn’t her clear superiority have made them proud?

Shaking her head Jinx continued, “Not long after that I began reading the minds of those around me. I, of course, didn’t know that was what I was doing or that it was strange and not everyone could. Didn’t take me long to figure it out though. By the time I was two I could move things with my thoughts. I didn’t show my parents or anybody else, I had learned by then that my abilities were ungodly and wrong.

“By the age of five my parents had long since stopped caring for me. Hell, they barely acknowledged my existence. I sewed my own clothes, made all my own meals, prepared my own baths and bathed myself. Most of the time they locked me in my room and only let me out once or twice a day.

“They wouldn’t let me outside to play with the other children. They feared someone would notice my quirks and that I would shame them.”

My heart hurt hearing the bitterness in her words and the neglect that she had gone through at the hands of both her parents. At least I had Frigga even if Odin did favor Thor. Frigga had loved me dearly and taught me my magic. I couldn’t imagine being locked in my room and never let outside to play amongst the other children. I was about to tell my beloved Jinx that it was her parents that were the shameful ones, but as I opened my mouth her hand covered it.

“If you would like me to stop please tell me, otherwise I need for you not to say anything,” she said vehemently.

I closed my mouth, nodded once and motioned with my left arm for her to continue.

Jinx grabbed my left wrist in both of her hands and kissed the small gold helm on my wrist. She seemed to gain strength from this, for she held me tightly as she continued, staring down at our hands.

“By the time I was seventeen I had learned to sneak about the village I lived in at night as everyone slept. I would explore the shops and the forests that surrounded Salem. I had watched one particular boy grow up into an impressively handsome young man and watched him sleep all night at least once a week. He was so beautiful and kind. One night he was having a terrible nightmare and I could not watch him in such fear any longer, so I woke him. He stared at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“We had a secret relationship after that. I would visit him at night and show him all of the things that I could do. We talked endlessly about what he learned at school, which I had never been allowed to attend. I loved learning and he enjoyed teaching me.”

Jinx’s voice was wistful now and there was a small sad smile on her lips. It pained me to hear of her first love, but she had requested I remain silent unless I wanted her to stop and I needed to hear her finish her story. I needed to know what she had done that was so bad she thought it would change my opinion of her.

“A year into our relationship Matthew, that was his name, became unhappy with our chaste relationship. We had hardly even touched up until that point. One day, just before dawn, as I was about to leave he leaned in and kissed me. I was so shocked that I pulled away quickly and ran home.

“The next night, as soon as I arrived, Matthew pinned me to his bed and tore my clothes from my body. He had some rope and used it to tie my hands to his bed so he could undress himself without worrying about me leaving. I begged him to stop, to untie me, to give me my clothes and let me leave. I had read the Bible and knew that coupling was for a man and his wife.

“When he was naked he climbed on top of me and forced himself into me as I struggled and begged him to stop. I cried out in pain as he broke my barrier and he just covered my mouth with his hand and continued. I was in so much pain all I could do was sob into his hand. The fight had left me and I just lay there until he finished,” Jinx let out a quiet sob and wiped tears from her face.

I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to go to Midgard and rip this Matthew limb from limb. I growled softly before reminding myself that this happened over three-hundred years ago and his children’s children were dead by now. I used my right arm to hug Jinx tightly as my left was still firmly in her grasp. I couldn’t believe Jinx had been violated thusly and by her first love no less.

I was shaking with anger as Jinx cleared her throat and continued, “When he was done he laid next to me and stroked my hair and just kept saying ‘Wasn’t that nice Erica, wasn’t that nice? We can do that every night now Erica.’ I wanted to push him away, but I was still tied to his bed. When he finally released me I put on the remnants of my dress and fled. As soon as I was outside I threw up everything that was in my stomach. I felt so sick and ashamed.”

So Jinx’s given name is Erica, I mused, beautiful and Norse, much like mine as well as most of Asgard’s. I guess she really does belong here.

“I went back home and didn’t leave again for ten days. When I finally ventured out again Matthew was waiting for me. He asked me why I hadn’t come back to him. He told me he loved me and missed me and missed our special connection. I told him I didn’t want that kind of connection with him. Not long after, the witch trials began, and Matthew was only too eager to tell everyone about my abilities.

“My parents were relieved, I think, that they were finally rid of me. As the preacher tied me to that stake Matthew wasn’t the only one smiling, so were my parents. It broke my heart to see that they were happy to finally be rid of me. I laugh now sometimes, knowing they actually burned a bona fide witch. I barely had time to feel the warmth of the fire before my reflex kicked in.

“I ended up in Italy. I really liked it there. I had to learn Italian of course, it took me about two days to find someone who spoke both English and Italian and would agree to teach me the latter. After a few years I grew restless and found a vessel that was headed to America. I wanted to see how everyone in Salem was fairing. I suppose I wanted to feel sorry for myself and see how much happier everyone was without me.

“I shouldn’t have gone,” tears were streaming down Jinx’s face and her voice was small, “I should have left well enough alone. When I went back I hid in the woods and watched the village. I saw Matthew straight away. He was with a woman I assume was his wife. She was pregnant and he was talking to her belly, smiling. Mom and dad were walking with a small child, perhaps two years old. They were playing and laughing and kissing each other and the toddler. They had had another child, a child they clearly loved dearly.

“The anger that bubbled inside me was stronger than I had expected. It was fierce and consuming. I waited until night fell, always watching my family and Matthew’s. When they went inside for the night and extinguished their candles I snuck into the village and used my magic to seal them in their homes. Then I set those homes on fire and went back into the cover of the trees and watched. I heard the shrieking coming from inside and looked on as the other villagers tried to rescued those trapped and put the fires out. I used my magic to ensure they weren’t successful.

“As soon as it was over I regretted it. I had no right to steal their happiness, to take their lives. I wished I hadn’t gone back there. I wished I had stayed in Europe and lived out the rest of my days there. I wished I had trapped myself and burnt with them, even though I knew that was impossible.

“I tried everything I could to end my life as well after that, but I never could. Knives and poisons never reached me; my hands would always jerk away. Jumping from great heights, I suddenly found myself safe on the ground. So I decided to do everything in my power to make up for my mistake.

“I began going into the minds of the people around me and taking away their sadness or giving them some of my gladness. I changed decisions that would cause them harm or cause them to harm others. I know it will never be enough, but I keep trying.

“It took me about ten years to realize I wasn’t getting older. I wasn’t changing at all aside from my hair and nails growing. No wrinkles, no grey hair, no sagging skin or breasts. I was much the same as I was when I caused so much pain. I wondered if I was being punished. Forced to spend the rest of my days in a body that did so much harm. It wasn’t until seventy years after that, that I realized I was immortal. More punishment I suppose. I used to think that I would simply live as long as it took for me to make up for what I had done. Now I just think I was made this way from the beginning. I was made to never get old and never die.

“I understand if you hate me, hell, I hate me. I understand if you no longer want me around. You have but to say the words and I’ll be gone.”

After a few moments she finally turned to look at me. Her eyes were full of sorrow and something akin to resignation, as if she just knew my reaction would be to make her leave Asgard. I simply smiled and ran my hand through her hair and cupped the back of her neck so she couldn’t look away.

“Erica,” I whispered and she shivered slightly at my use of the name, “I love you and I will love you even if you slaughter every person you have been wronged by. Even if you had no reason behind your actions, I would love you still.”

“I’m a monster,” she whimpered.

I kissed her lips fiercely, “No! No, you are a living being, you made a mistake; you are fallible. All that means is that you are alive,” I pulled her into a tight hug and felt her relax into my embrace.