After the War

Lee Gaze never had a future. Miner's grandson, son of a mechanic and a cleaning lady, eldest of a family of three children, he had never payed attention in class. Very quickly he realised he wasn't like the other kids. He didn't like fighting or girls, he preferred roller skating and listening to music, as well as breaking and stealing things.
And it was at age 22 he got caught.

It was... Humiliating. Being treated like a child, in trial, in custody.
But prison was no child business. And certainly not those last months. Lee could remember when he arrived... The first day it happened.
There were the public showers. Lee was feeling uneasy between all those studdy criminals staring at him.
He had heard the stories about public showers so he clutched his butt cheeks the whole way through. But he was young and unexperimented.
That first day, he was invited by some fellow inmates to play cards in one's cell ; he remembered perfectly.
He got lured inside.

And there started the nightmare. There were 7 of them, looking for some fun.
When they walked away, Lee was left crying on the ground, bleeding a bit.
They did it again. Sometimes it was just one of them, sometimes it was just oral, but most of the time they were three and they hit him and told him he was less than a dog.
And Lee was terrified. Lost. He didn't want to go to the medical wing. He didn't want them to know... And anyway, it wasn't like it mattered. It wasn't like the guards payed attention to his tortured screams.
Maybe it was normal.
But Lee didn't feel like it was normal.
And at night, often, his cellmates would do it to him, not say anything or not much, just do it as Lee wouldn't protest anymore and just cry silently.
And the hell continued until he got horribly sick.

Lee Gaze never had a future. But if he had known what was waiting for him out there, he'd have held back his first breath in this world and died before having been born.

--

Ben sat next to Lee. The young man was
slumped on a table, piling up used matches, eyes still reddish.

Ben opened his magazine. He liked celeb gossip magazines. They were funny.
He had plunged into a passionating article about the Beckham couple when he heard his name.

"Hey, Ben."

Ben turned. It was Lee. The young man had turned his head towards Ben, still slumped on the table.

"How old are you?"

"23."

Lee nodded as he could, and pivoted his head so he was looking in front of him.

"I'm 24" he said softly.

Small silence as Ben put down the magazine. Lee was trembling a bit.

"Have you seen Jamie's scars?" He asked Ben, even more softly.

"Uhh... No." Ben answered, confused.

Lee nodded again.

"I guess it's logical."

There was a silence again. Ben felt increasingly uneasy.
There were no questions anymore, so Ben thought about taking his magazine again. Not that Lee wasn't worrying him, but he didn't really know what to say.

Suddenly, a nurse got in the room, spotting Lee.

"Lee! There you are."

Lee's head shot up, and then went down again.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it" he whimpered.

"It's okay, Lee, you know."

"Just leave me alone. He hates me. And I don't blame him."

"Jamie's fine, he understands you didn't want to--"

"I spoiled everything. Leave me alone, please" he begged.

"Lee, Jamie told me to bring you back."

"Please, no" Lee hid his face.

"Lee..."

"Leave me alone, please, just... Please."

The nurse sighed, and got out.
Ben looked at Lee, questionning. The young man didn't uncover his face.

"Jamie's been locked up two weeks by two sadists. I didn't know... I never knew." Lee stuttered. "That's why he's here. That's how he got..." Lee stopped, and took a big breath, and that's when Ben realised he was sobbing. "He... He's... He... I never knew that... He... How could someone do that to somebody?" He was shaking.

"For the same reason they did it to you..." Ben murmured. "You and I. And the others.

"You didn't see it... You didn't see his scars. His scars... They wanted to murder him, they... They tortured him, I can't... I didn't..." Lee was breathing heavily, hicupping, sometimes emerging from his hands, his red eyes wide.

Ben closed his eyes briefly, holding back the acid words that burnt his lips.
The memory of the knife diving on him, the pain, the blood as they left him for dead flashed in his head. Ben gagged, putting his hand to his chest.
He emptied his head.
Lee was crying.

"I'm such a horrible little cunt"

And he stood up, and ran away.
Ben opened his eyes, and looked at the revolving door of the room swinging back into place.
He sighed. What a catch.

--

Fraser sat next to Ben at lunch. They ate together. He didn't know why but the presence of the new patient comforted him greatly. The friendly deep blue eyes, the protective frame...
Yeah, Ben looked gentle and nice.

"Have they... Have they caught your...?" He asked Ben.

Okay, maybe that wasn't a nice and gentle question to pay Ben back.
The young man paled up a bit, before nodding, and looking back at Fraser, a questionning look on his face.

Fraser shook his head. No, they had never found the six guys. All the DNA they had left had gone down Fraser's toilets or shower.

"And the others?" Ben asked.

Fraser thought a bit.

"Well... They did sentence Lee's main ones... And... And both of Jamie's... And Mike... Well for Mike I understood he was more or less from his family... And I think the other is dead."

Ben nodded slowly. Fraser rubbed the nape of his neck.

"You're gay aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. The others...?"

"I don't know if Lee and Mike are, but Jamie definitely is."

He hoped Jamie wouldn't ask him back the question.

"How old is Mike?"

Phew.

"He's 17 I think. He's like the youngest. I think he's got a mental disorder of some sort --"

At the same time Jamie walked in, his hair still tied up, putting down his tray brutally.

"Has anybody seen Lee?"

"N-no?"

"I can't find him" Jamie muttered.

Ben stared at Jamie, and Fraser saw something strange in that look.
Jamie sat down, and sighed, starting to eat. Fraser looked at him, lingering on his earrings and his silver hairband.

"Have you see your parents in the end?"

"Yeh." Jamie mumbled. "The usual"

"W...what happened with Lee?" Ben stumbled.

Jamie glared at him.

"Nothing. Let it go."

Fraser let his eyes glide towards Jamie's nails. They were bright pink.

"Why the un-goth nail polish?"

Jamie swallowed his forkfull of puree and spread his fingers.

"My mom hates black nail polish. So I painted them pink. She said nothing."

They chuckled pleasantly, and Jamie rubbed his arm slightly.
Fraser saw Ben move a bit, and frowned. There was obviously something that Ben knew and made him uneasy, Fraser could tell.

He was cut short in his thoughts by Nurse Gus walking in and Ben going rigid at the sight.

"Guys, and Aisle 3, you have self-defence at 1PM! Stuart is here!"

Aisle 3 was the blue hallway where Fraser had his room. The other boys had theirs there too.
Fraser chose to climb back up to his room to go prepare.

He stopped in front of his full-lenght mirror as he got out of his trousers. Stick-thin legs, pasty skintone, oakum brown hair, small eyes. Fraser turned around, rubbing his temples, and sighing.

No girl would ever want of that.
Why hadn't he got the handsome gene like his big brother John? Girls don't want a weakling for boyfriend. Girls don't want an ugly pale guy.
Girls don't want a wimp.

Fraser was damaged goods.
Girls don't want a damaged guy. Girls don't want a scarred soul, split at the seams, they don't want a broken boy with nightmares and a post traumatic stress disorder.

Girls want a boy who's able to protect them.
So, not a boy who's been raped.

--