Damn This Wild Young Heart.

I’d forgotten all about my phone, which still resided in the pocket of my long-ago discarded pants, until I was scrounging around for it so I could program Harry’s number in. Dakota was in the shower already, her loud humming carrying through the walls. We’d wasted more time than we probably should’ve dissecting The Sex after I remembered Harry’s note and we were a little pressed for time.

I’d already thrown on my most form-fitting pair of jeans and a semi-nice t-shirt, brushed my hair into submission, and applied a little mascara by the time Dakota had even laid out her outfit, let alone started her showering process.

My phone stuttered to life in my hands. I waited impatiently for a moment, staring down as it connected to the WiFi, and then suddenly the thing was buzzing in my hand, alive with the notifications suddenly appearing on the screen. One buzz led into the next, before the distinguishable ‘ding’ of my e-mail went off. I had thirteen missed calls, fifty-two texts, and a plethora of other notifications from apparently social media app I was on.

Of course, what was staring me in the face now was what would’ve been staring me in the face all night, if I would’ve kept the phone on. Or maybe it wouldn’t have happened at all. Maybe I would have been able to stop the entire thing from happening after that first picture, with a couple sentences and well-aimed pouts, and the entire thing was suddenly so preventable it was comical. It would’ve been so easy to stop Harry, because he was an agreeable bloke and I was a well-convincing lass. So eager to throw myself into adventurous, devil-may-care Lola that I openly provided an opportunity to get blindsided by pictures and media and unwanted attention.

I could feel the anxiety rise as I flicked through the messages. Some were congratulatory, but the majority were inquisitive from those who just so happened to keep up with the social media boy band circuit. Even my mother seemed slightly concerned. What’s this about you having pictures with a boy on the Internet? Why is your cousin freaking out? Did you do something bad? The frantic messages were all only a few minutes apart and from earlier this morning, when I had still been blissfully unaware of the world past Harry’s body curled around me.

Once again I was staring at the repercussions of something I hadn’t even done.

Why? What was the point in posting the pictures in the first place? I could understand taking them– a few mementoes to rehash when the right nostalgic mood hits, but posting them on the Internet for millions of prying eyes to see? Why? What was the point? Didn’t he have management regulations to uphold or at least some common sense to ask me first?

And then, of course, next to the plethora of other nagging thoughts in my head was the sentence from that news update – the pictures had been taken down. I knew that I shouldn’t have had an adverse reaction to that. If anything, the little bit of damage control probably should’ve provided some comfort, but there was still jolt of hurt that pulsed through me at the thought of Harry actively deciding to take the pictures down. When had that been decided? What had changed between his initial feeling of posting them and when they were taken down? Had there been a sudden shift I was unaware of? And had he manually taken them down himself – stared at each picture for a moment before deciding they were better off erased – or was it some management thing?

I was torn between not wanting to face Harry again and wanting instantaneous answers. With some convincing and sulking, I could probably convince Dakota to stay in, but I knew as soon as I thought the words that I wanted to see Harry. Despite his social media mishap, I wanted to see him. The tug in my abdomen when I thought of him at all alerted me that I wanted to see him more than I probably should have. I liked this boy. I liked him earlier, as well, when we were walking through the MoMA and watching the sunrise, but it was different now. I’d gotten a taste of him and now I wanted more. I wanted to see how he reacted around me and what kind of look in his eye he was going to get when I saw him again. I wasn’t going to inform him of my impending fancy if I wasn’t sure the feelings were going to be reciprocated.

I deleted all of the texts from people I didn’t care to reply to, sent my mother some vague reassurance, turned off my push notifications, and programmed Harry’s number into my phone.

The venue tonight is the HP Pavilion, in case you didn’t know. I typed quickly, sending the message before I had time to reread it over and delete it entirely. Immediately, the three dots indicating the typing of Harry’s response showed up on the screen.

You looked it up. Does that mean you’re coming tonight?

…is it alright if I bring a plus one?

Dakota?

The one and only.

Fine with me. What time are you arriving?

Erm. 6:30? Ish? We haven’t left yet and it’s a bit of a ways away.

Hurry up.

Don’t you have like, thinks to check?

We’ve already done that. Now we’re just sitting and waiting and I’m bored.

Entertain yourself.

But I want you to entertain me. ;)

Winky faces? Seriously?

Just making sure my intent was clear.

Styles, your intent is always clear. Even without the middle school smiley faces.

Can we go one conversation without your bullying?

Can we go one conversation without you doing something that makes it so easy to tease you?

Better idea: we could just not talk.

…

…

Okay.

That’s it?

Well you said we could not talk, so…

I didn’t mean it like that.

Okay?

This is when the winky face comes in handy.

Oh! You were flirting!

;)



Harry’s instructions were complicated at best, but after circling the surrounding area five times to find a suitable parking spot, almost hitting a teenage girl when she darted across the street, and screaming up at the heavens for a few minutes, Dakota and I were finally crossing the street towards the HP Pavilion a little after seven o’clock. Harry told us to go all the way around the building the opposite way the line was heading and wait there until someone was sent out.

I hadn’t figured getting through a crowd of teenage girls was going to be a big deal, so I texted him back that we would be there in five minutes and started darting my way around the crowds. Of course, it wasn’t until afterwards that I realized this was basically like sacrificing myself to the enemy. We’d made it past half of the line when someone shouted my name.

I looked up on instinct, eyebrows furrowed as I searched the bodies for someone familiar, and apparently my reaction was enough. They swarmed around like bees, casting question after question. I panicked, frozen in the middle of the sidewalk, before Dakota grabbed my arm, shoved her sunglasses on my face, and started dragging me towards the end of the building.

“Sorry, wrong person, gotta go!” She yelled back into the crowd, tugging at my arm so harshly I thought she was going to tear a muscle or dislocate the thing all together. The sunglasses helped a little bit, enough of a disguise to get us past the groups of clamoring girls and to the side of the building, where the throngs of teenagers were significantly less. Only a few people even glanced our way as we stalked down the block and that was probably only because I was wearing sunglasses and it wasn’t exactly bright in San Jose today.

“Text Harry.” Dakota demanded as we walked, finally letting go of my arm. I rubbed the limb tenderly before pulling out my phone.

We’ve made it…barely.

You alright? Mic’s on his way to come get you guys.

I think Dakota dislocated my shoulder. :(

Seriously???

No. But it still hurts.

Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?

No, I wanted to reply, but then in a moment of pure bravery, I sent, Actually, yes, I would not mind your lips anywhere on my person. I could practically hear Harry flushing.

I didn’t know exactly what Mic looked like, but when a large man wearing a black t-shirt with Event Security stretched across the back came out of the side door, I walked towards him. His eyes flashed with recognition as Dakota and I approached. He waved us forward, holding open a side stage door. We bounded up the steps quickly, Dakota shooting Mic a thankful smile as he ushered us inside. He closed the door securely behind us and then handed over two laminated passes.

“Go straight down the hall and they’re on the second door to your right.” He instructed, pointing down the hallway.

Even without the directions, we probably would’ve been able to find the large room everyone was getting ready in, mainly because of the noise. There were people bounding around everywhere, black shirts darting between hallways as they prepared the stage, but nowhere was as loud as the large room at the end of the hall.

I entered hesitantly, Dakota on my heels. “Um, hi?”

Harry’s back was to me, laughing loudly with someone before he turned around. His face lit up with a smile as he instantly crossed over to us, arms already open in welcome.

“How’s it going?” He greeted, pulling me into a hug and pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek.

I attempted to force myself not to blush and hugged back. “I’m alive. So it’s alright.” I shrugged, attempting nonchalance, but the nervous smile on my face probably gave me away.

Harry moved from me to Dakota quickly, giving her the same warm reception before turning around and facing everyone else in the room.

I’d like to think that everyone wasn’t staring at us during that entire exchange, but by the raised eyebrows and apprehensive glances shot our way, I knew that they probably were.

“Lola,” Harry gestured towards me. “This is everyone. Everyone, this is Lola and Dakota.” There was collective waving and smiling and nodding before Harry lead us over to an under-stuffed couch. I sat next to him gingerly, suddenly feeling incredibly anxious in a room of people I didn’t know.

“The tour guide, right?” Louis piped up from the other couch, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

“The one and only.” I acknowledged with a nod. “Though I don’t think I did that well of a job.”

“Nonsense,” Louis replied. “Harry here seemed delighted about the entire night.” Louis shot Harry a cheeky grin and I felt another blush rise in my cheeks.

“Feel free to stop whenever, Lou.” Harry said pointedly, before turning away from his friend and over at Dakota.

“This one said that you almost dislocated her shoulder. What happened?”

Dakota rolled her eyes at my dramatics but replied anyway. “Lola was about to get stampeded by girls. I just got her out of there. Not my fault she’s a wimp.”

I opened my mouth to protest but Dakota was already moving the conversation with Harry along, sharing the apparent ‘crazed look in a twelve-year-old’s eye as she ‘rushed me to safety’. I got up and relocated myself on the couch, not wanting to be in between Harry and Dakota’s conversation. I moved to sit next to Louis on the other couch, looking at the two in front of me with an eye roll.

“What exactly did you two get up to last night?” Louis asked as I sat down. “Harry wasn’t very forthcoming with the details.”

I only gave a little shrug, shooting a glance over at Harry as I wondered what details he had provided. “I attempted to show him the highlights of San Francisco, but considering it was the middle of the night, most places were closed. He got a very brief version.”

“And what was this I heard about drag queens?”

The conversation sparked from there. I could hardly glance over at Dakota and Harry, who were continuing their slightly hushed conversation on the other couch, because I was suddenly immersed in the tale of the drag queens, reenacting the moment for Louis and also Niall as well, who was suddenly perched on the couch, sandwich in hand. I could hardly keep the giggles in as I remembered Harry’s face when the starting notes of What Makes You Beautiful began. By the time I was done, my sides hurt from laughing and Louis was looking at me with a huge grin on his face. They were all really, really nice. I was almost surprised by how easily the conversation flowed, the familiarity of teasing laughs between friends stronger than what it should’ve been when talking to people I only knew about, rather than really knew.

We only had a few more moments of conversation before suddenly the boys were rounded up, mic packs tucked into pants and ear-pieces set into place. I moved to sit back next to Dakota, standing back and watching the chaos as it unfolded.

“What’d you guys talk about?” I asked her.

Dakota turned to me, suddenly plucked right out of her apparent daydream. “You, of course.” She said with a smile, but it almost seemed a bit forced.

“What about me, exactly? My wit? My charm? My apparently lacking tour-guiding skills?”

“Just stuff.” She shrugged. “We were just chatting.”

I gave her a side-eye, displeased at her vague answer, but let it go for the time being. “Does he get your stamp of approval?”

Before she could even open her mouth to answer, Harry was standing over us, fiddling with his shirt. “You guys should probably go out there. We go on in a bit.”

I nodded and stood up, landing only a few inches away from him. It’d taken longer than it probably should’ve to get here, most of the night wasted trying to find sufficient parking, and now suddenly Harry had to go on stage and we didn’t even get a proper conversation.

“Mic’ll show you where to go.” Harry provided, nodding over to where Mic stood.

I nodded in acknowledgement. “Are you nervous?”

“Always am before a show.” Harry admitted with a small smile. “Which is a good thing, I guess.”

“You’ll be great.” I reassured lamely, my face growing hot when I realized how awful that sounded. “I’ve seen the YouTube videos – you actually can sing.”

Harry let out a bit of a chuckle, but it almost seemed like he had trouble meeting my eye. “Thanks.”

“Alright.” I shifted my weight from one foot to another. “Well, I guess I’ll see you after the show?”

He gave a bit of a nod, before turning around and glancing back to where everyone else was huddled together. “Gotta go. See you after.”

I wanted to go something else then – maybe give him a reassuring hug or a kiss on the cheek, but he was already walking away and Mic was leading Dakota and I through another door and to a semi-private viewing area.

I was caught up with thoughts of how awkward that conversation had been, to the point of downright uncomfortable, when the lights dimmed and suddenly there was screaming everywhere. I jolted back quickly, frazzled at the amount of sound that was coming out of some of these teeny, tiny girls, before focusing on the stage.

I’d seen a few YouTube videos (probably more than I would ever care to admit) and knew that they, of course, had talent, but it was different in person. They laughed and joked and I gave up trying to look anywhere but at Harry after five minutes. My eyes were trained to him, taking in the smiles and waves he kept sending out to the crowd. He reminded me of the flirty, funny boy from last night, so different from the awkward, slightly uncomfortable encounter we had earlier.

How do you interact with people after sharing something significant? There was a conscious shift in the relationship between us, something that almost seemed tangible, but I still didn’t know how I was supposed to react to him. I couldn’t even get through a proper staring session before thinking about last night (this morning). While I tried to focus on the Harry in front of me, I kept getting caught up in thoughts of the Harry from last night – his hands trailing along the curve of my waist, his lips on the crevice of my hip.

I felt this undeniable pull towards Harry, something that ached deep down in my gut, but I wasn’t sure how much of that was genuine longing to be in his presence and how much of that was unmistakable lust. I was in a room full of people who also probably felt the same way towards him. There were obvious differences, of course, but the emotions were just different branches of the same tree. Maybe it was stupid – maybe my entire infatuation with him was stupid, but it still felt nice. There was a very small chance that our entire encounter was going to turn into something meaningful and significant, but there was a chance all the same and the possibility made me giddy.

With that sudden moment of clarity over, I tried to find some relief and turned to Dakota with a smile.

“They’re actually really, really good.” I spoke over the music, jerking my head towards the boy band on stage.

She gave an enthusiastic nod back. “And delicious – do you see Niall’s arms? The things I would do to that boy, sweet mother of Mary, it’s probably not even legal.”



I probably enjoyed myself more than I should have during the concert if I wanted to preserve my cool-Berkeley-student image, but Dakota and I were having too much fun to stop and think about appearances. We screamed enthusiastically along with the crowd, shouted the words to “Teenage Dirtbag” and whipped out our cell phones to flash during “Little Things”. When the concert was over and the fans started filing out, Dakota and I ducked back through the door Mic led us through earlier and into the backstage area.

Each boy was sweaty and in a state of undress when I peeked into the room, so Dakota and I hung out in the hallway while they got themselves together.

“I had more fun than I probably should’ve.” I admitted with a content sigh as we leaned against the wall.

“Me too.” Dakota agreed with a laugh. “I felt like a preteen again.”

“It’s just so damn catchy.” I fiddled with the laminated pass around my neck, listening to the chaos that was happening on the other side of the room.

The stage hands were already breaking the set down, equipment pieces moving on dollies and carts. Watching from backstage made me realize that there was so much more that went into a show, especially one as big as this, than just a couple of guys going on stage and singing. There were lights and sound and projected screens.

“How many people do you think they employ?” I asked absently after a moment.

Dakota looked contemplative, before shrugging. “For this tour, probably hundreds, but overall, probably way more than that. They have management in different countries, right? And like sound people and hair people and clothing people and just people people.”

“That’s really crazy to think about. It’s like, an empire over hot British dudes singing.” I mused.

“Speaking of hot British dudes…” Dakota started, looking over at me with leering eyebrows, but there was also something that looked like concern in her eyes.

I groaned, bringing a hand up to rub my temple. She always wanted to have these deep conversations when I wasn’t in the mood to sort through my feelings.

“What happens next?” She asked, attempting to keep her voice casual and light.

I could only really give her a shrug in response. “I don’t really know. I guess that’s up to Harry. I mean, I had fun. I’m having fun. He’s really sweet and funny and we all know he’s attractive as all hell, so I guess we’ll see.”

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” Dakota said gently, looking at me hesitantly.

I nodded. “I get that. I’m trying not to, I swear.”

“As long as you know what you’re doing.” She continued. “I just want you to be careful.”

“I will be.” I reassured, flashing her my most convincing smile.

We spent a few more minutes out in the hallway, watching the flurry of movement around us, before Niall poked his head out of the door.

“We’re all decent now, ladies.” He announced, opening the door and welcoming us inside.

“Well, damn.” Dakota laughed, fixing Niall with a flirtatious smirk as she sauntered inside. I watched him watch her walk away, his eyes trained on her body.

“Eyes up, Horan.” I admonished as I passed through the doorway.

“Just admirin’ the locals.” He grinned back.

Dakota had taken a seat next to Liam, who was lounging on the couch and looking a little worse for wear, his body still shining with a layer of sweat.

I hadn’t even made it all the way into the room and over to the couch Harry was sitting at before someone announced that they were hungry.

“Lola,” Louis called from across the room. Hearing him speak my name with such familiarity was a little jolting, but I guess when you meet hundreds of new people a day you learn how to be welcoming and personable without little time spent together. “Where can we go to get something to eat over here?”

“Um, I think there’s a Subway down the street?” I suggested, but it sounded more like a question than anything else. I had a vague recollection of seeing the sign when we were circling around trying to find a decent parking spot, but I wasn’t even sure if they would still be open.

“Isn’t this your territory? Shouldn’t you know?” Louis looked slightly offended at my lack of San Jose knowledge.

“No.” I replied flatly, raising an eyebrow in challenge over at him. “My territory is about an hour north. The only things I know about San Jose are hockey related.”

Before anyone could challenge my hockey knowledge (or lack thereof), Liam was already pulling out his phone and asking for cuisine recommendations.



Liam found a Thai food place a few blocks away. Dakota and I decided to walk the few blocks and grab a booth while everyone else decided to wait until the crowds died down a little and take a car.

It was pushing towards midnight when everyone was settled into the back room of the Thai restaurant, tables pushed together to accommodate the large group. I’d been introduced to more people than I could possibly keep track of, but I smiled politely and tried to think of something to make the names stick.

I sat between Harry and Dakota, silent as I debated between shrimp or chicken for my kao phad. I knew that this was vital time for me to be making a good impression and charming everyone at the table with my astounding humor, but I was nervous about embarrassing myself. What if I stuttered or hiccupped or spat when I talked? I’d had enough charm to get Harry to invite me to a concert, but there was no promise that I could get the rest of them to like me enough to exchange more than polite pleasantries.

“How did you like the show?” Harry asked, peering at me over the top of his menu.

“I was pleasantly surprised.” I admitted with a grin. “And I probably enjoyed it more than I should have. They’ll be rescinding my spot at Berkeley any time now for no longer being cool enough.”

He scoffed. “We’re plenty cool. If anything, you gained points tonight.”

“Oh yes.” I replied dryly. “You’re so cool with your flannel shirt and doodle-pad tattoos. You’re more of a dirty hipster than I am.”

“Thank you. I take that as a compliment.”

“You really shouldn’t.” I was smirking at him, trying to hide the flush on my cheeks as we openly flirted. He lowered the menu, snapping it shut and dropping it down on the table. He was wearing a plaid shirt, most of the top buttons undone, and it was incredibly distracting.

“Will you please just button your shirt?” I snapped after a moment, irritated at how my eyes kept grazing over the tattoos on his chest and the way his necklace dipped underneath the fabric.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, looking up at me innocently.

“You’re going to put me into cardiac arrest.”

“Did you just admit to finding me attractive?” He leered.

“I think we’ve already crossed that bridge, wouldn’t you say so?”

“Yes, probably, but it’s always nice to hear you say it.”

“Harry,” I started seriously, leaning in towards him for dramatic effect. “I find you devilishly attractive. In fact, I feel unwell right now, that’s how much it’s getting to me.”

The flush that rose across his cheeks made me feel even worse and I had to actively look away from him, before I was forced to do something unwise, like grab him right there and kiss him in front of everyone.

“You’re pretty distracting yourself.” He muttered after a moment, staring down at me with something that could only be described as smolder in his eyes.

I felt hot, flushed from my neck down. I stared back at him then, the eye contact so physical that I felt like someone had knocked me down. Looking at him was only making it worse, his hair a disheveled mess and his eyes hooded.

“Where do you guys go after the states?” Dakota asked suddenly, leaning forward towards Niall, who was seated ever-so conveniently across from her.

I looked away from Harry, reaching down to take a sip from my water. He turned away as well, glancing back towards the other end of the table.

“We have a break in August and September and then we go to Australia.” Niall answered. “And then we’re done in October.”

My attention averted back to Harry, who was scrolling through some feed on his phone and half-listening to whatever story Zayn was trying to tell.

“I have a request,” I murmured quietly, turning towards him.

Harry only raised an eyebrow in question.

“Next time you take my picture, can you make sure there isn’t sauce on my lip? And also could you maybe tell me about it?”

He grimaced, setting his phone down completely. “I think I can take that into consideration.” He nodded. “I’m sorry about that, by the way, I never--,”

I cut him off with a shrug and a vague hand movement in his direction. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

It wasn’t, not really, but I didn’t want to get into it now, after I was feeling perfectly content with the eyes he had just been giving me. I knew that we would probably need to talk about it eventually, but there was time for those things later.

He looked like he was going to continue, but the waiter was standing next to his chair, pen poised as he waited for us to order.

Dakota continued to flirt with Niall and Harry continued to send glances my way, causing the red spots across my cheeks to deepen until I was sure I matched the deep wine color of the tablecloth. Everyone was immersed in their own conversations, laughing and joking while Harry and I sat next to each other quietly. I wanted to say something but suddenly I was afraid to open my mouth, not quite sure how to strike up the right conversation.

“Are you excited for the rest of the tour?” I asked just as Harry opened his mouth to say, “Can I try some of your food when it comes?”

We both hesitated for a moment, eyeing each other warily to see who was going to speak first. Finally, Harry answered.

“It’s going to be fun. We play a bunch of dates and Southern California and then we’re off for about a month before Australia. I’m excited to go home for a little while.”

“Australia sounds really fun.” I offered. “It’s on my Places to Go Before I Croak List.”

Harry forced out a laugh. “Where else is on that list?”

“New Zealand, South Africa, Norway, Thailand,” I listed off. “Really I want to go everywhere, but those are just a few of my highlights.”

“Good places.” He agreed with a nod.

And that was it. An awkward silence stretched between us at the table, the easy flirtation and banter we’d previously been keeping up now apparently gone at the mention of tour. I turned away, looking across the table at Liam, who was staring at us both with a slightly amused expression on his face. Harry resumed listening to Zayn and scrolling through his phone and I struck up a conversation with Liam about Pixar movies.

When our food came, I let Harry have a portion of my rice in exchange for some of his spicy shrimp and that was as far as we got on the conversing front. I listened intently to the conversation around me, enjoying watching the way everyone interacted, but I suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable in regards to Harry. It been like this all night – a few moments of normality before we would lapse into some type of awkward silence. I couldn’t figure out what was at fault – our lack of conversation skills, the sex, his friends?

At least Dakota was enjoying herself, snorting indelicately as Niall joked with her. She had her flirtatious eyes on blast and was leaning into him. I wanted to laugh at her, but I guess I didn’t have any right to. I would have been giving Harry the same look, probably with a strategically placed arm stroke, if he could do more than shoot me awkward glances as he ate.

I tried a few times, making an observation about our food or the concert, but he would just nod slowly and give a noncommittal hum, before going back to his food.

By the time we were all done eating and the check was paid, Dakota was exchanging numbers with Niall and Harry and I were standing next to each other awkwardly, shifting as we both stood with our hands in our pockets.

“Um.” I started, looking up at him. “Thanks for inviting me tonight. It was really fun.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” He reached a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

“I guess if you’re ever in San Francisco again, you have my number. Maybe if it’s during the day I can show you some actual tourist spots.” I offered.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded, a little too enthusiastically. “I’ll do that.”

I waited then, for him to make some type of move. Maybe if the reception had been warmer earlier I would have been gusty enough to reach out, make plans about talking and texting or somehow keeping in touch, but now I wasn’t sure how he was going to react. I hesitated, glancing over at Dakota, who was already saying goodbye to everyone, and decided to just go for it.

“Text me sometime, yeah?” I said with a smile, before I stood on my tip toes to press a chaste kiss to Harry’s mouth. It was already too late to register the panicked expression on his face, but I did catch the way he moved his head, my lips now catching his cheek awkwardly.

Instantly, I felt ridiculous. Blushingly, mind-numbingly embarrassed, because for a second I was putting together scenarios for how this was going to work after tonight, painfully optimistic about Facetime chats and continuous texts, but I was being stupid and oblivious. I’d known Harry for less than twenty-four hours and whatever dreaming I did about our future was unrealistic. Maybe, if things were good between us, we would keep up a light conversation for a few weeks, texts exchanged whenever either of us had free time, but eventually, things would fizzle out. He was on the road, infinitely busy with all things pop-star related. I could daydream about a perfect long-distance relationship with Harry all I wanted, but I was only lying to myself. Even though we’d shared something – something wonderful and adventurous and one of those things that I would replay in my head over and over again on lazy Sunday mornings and at 3 am when I couldn’t sleep – he was still unattainable. And I needed to accept that. Stop freaking out about our awkward interactions and how I was supposed to talk to him and not make a fool out of myself, because playing it cool and making witty jokes wasn’t going to turn our encounter into a long-lasting relationship. We could flirt – make lewd jokes about each other and share heated glances over the table, but at the end of the night, it wasn’t ever going to be more than that. I wanted it to be – I wanted to feel like more than a good night in San Francisco on his jaunt around the world, but there wasn’t anything tangible there to make me feel differently.

“I’ll see you sometime.” He said as I pulled away.

I kept my head tucked down, entire body flushing in embarrassment as I moved to run out of there. “Yeah. See you.” I gave a half-hearted wave to everyone else, providing my best smile before moving to meet Dakota, and tried to keep my voice strong. The words cracked and I could already feel the stinging behind my eyes, the stupid reaction to my inevitable realization.

“You okay?” Dakota asked lowly, moving her head closer to mine.

I only nodded my head in reply.