Status: New
If I Look Back
#1
I rest my chin in my palm and lean impatiently on the counter as I wait for the man to come back with the keys. The dealership lobby is a glittering, modern interior designed to make the consumer want the shining, new cars. No warm neutrals here, only cold neutral colors that mimic the glossy metal. The air is warm enough to be comfortable but just a bit crisp so that the customer is reminded that heated leather seats are the way to go. The music is noticeable but not overbearing, allowing the customer to spend time browsing but also feel the urgency of the matter.
I shake my head and check my watch. It is currently 10:30am. I have to get the car and get over to the realtor’s office to pick up the keys to the flat before I go to Ikea. I will need to fill almost the entire flat as I sold all of my old things before moving. It seemed silly to move to a new continent with a set of dishes and a dining table.
I can feel the fatigue settling down deep into my knees and I feel the weight, the tension returning to my shoulders. I can only get so far these days before the soreness returns. All I can do right now is pray that it doesn’t get worse.
“Here you go, Miss.” The salesman says, returning to the counter with the 2 single keys in hand. He is a small man but clean and intelligent looking. He looks like the kind of person you believe when they tell you something; the perfect salesman. “We’ve had the car pulled around to the front so if you’ll just follow me.” I nod with a pleasant smile and grab my bag off the counter before following him out of the dealership.
And there, in the English rain, is my 1995 Land Rover 90. It’s forest green with a white top and all black accents. I immediately pull open the drivers’ door and jump in. I throw my bag into the passenger seat and begin to inspect my new vehicle. The interior is black leather and clean but it is spartan compared to new luxuries. The steering wheel is soft and warm under my hands.
“Do you want to test drive it, Miss?” the man asks. He’s opening his umbrella to keep his gelled hair and starched white shirt dry.
“Oh, no thank you. I am quite sure it will be fine.” I reply without taking my eyes off the dash. I am mentally cataloging every detail so I will always remember this moment. There is no new car smell in here, just the faint smell of warm leather and dirt. “If everything is taken care of, I’ll be on my way.” I smile and take a deep breath.
“Of course. All of our paper work is complete and there’s nothing else we’ll need.” He says happily. He’s just made commission off of my purchase and had to do minimal work, so he’s happy.
“Well, thank you very much for your help. Have a wonderful day.” I say and shut the door. I don’t know if he said anything in reply but it’s the least of my concerns. I turn the key and feel the gentle vibrations of the engine. I momentarily confer with my navigation before pulling out of the parking lot.
I wave goodbye to the realtor and move quickly through the gentle rain to the car. I toss the keys into the air and catch them with a smile after unlocking the door. I throw my bag into the empty passenger seat and close the door against the rain.
I have a car, a job and a home; what else do I need? These keys belong to me and no one else. For a moment, I stare down at the key ring in my hand. I have the two keys to the car and two keys to the flat, and a small blue dala horse keychain. I sigh and start the engine. Of course there are two of each key. The world was built for two.
I find a parking spot towards the back of the Ikea parking lot and pull my hood over my hair before stepping out of the car. I have been in England for 3 days now but the rain still bothers me. It shouldn’t; I’ve just moved from a similar climate where it rains just as much but for some reason I was expecting more of a change.
Because I am shopping alone, I am at total leisure to spend as much time as I want browsing, choosing and finally selecting my items. I get everything I can possibly imagine I’ll need. Pots, pans, dishes, napkins, flatware, stemware, serve ware, a small table, curtains, curtain rods, a few small lamps, a shower curtain, towels, mats/rugs, a bed, sheets, blankets, a rug and 2 lounge chairs.
I pay for my things and arrange for delivery of the larger items tomorrow morning. I will be building furniture for the foreseeable future. I take the smaller items with me and drop them off at the flat.
I sit down on the floor of my empty studio and sit quietly for a few moments. After months and months of anxiety, heartbreak and more stress than one little body should be able to handle, I made my move. I still show the physical and some of the mental symptoms of depression but I believe that this move is the right choice.
Around 8:30, I lock up the flat and head back to the hotel.
I spend about an hour packing my things and making sure I’ve left nothing behind. For some reason my things always seem to migrate around hotel rooms no matter how hard I try to keep them cleaned up.
Around 11:00 I sit down on the bed, still wet after my shower and scan the room for any last unpacked items. There aren’t any. Everything I brought with me fits neatly into my suitcases.
I switch off the light and lay back against the pillows. While I know it is bed time, I also know that I will lay awake almost all night before getting up again around 5am to start my day.
I pull the cold hotel cover up to my chin and spread all my limbs out so that I take up as much of the bed as I can. But my little frame is no match for the king size mattress. I am alone now, I remind myself. I can sleep on any part of the bed I choose.
“Big changes in 2011, Lilly.” I tell myself before slipping off into the fitful sleep I have come to know oh so well.
I shake my head and check my watch. It is currently 10:30am. I have to get the car and get over to the realtor’s office to pick up the keys to the flat before I go to Ikea. I will need to fill almost the entire flat as I sold all of my old things before moving. It seemed silly to move to a new continent with a set of dishes and a dining table.
I can feel the fatigue settling down deep into my knees and I feel the weight, the tension returning to my shoulders. I can only get so far these days before the soreness returns. All I can do right now is pray that it doesn’t get worse.
“Here you go, Miss.” The salesman says, returning to the counter with the 2 single keys in hand. He is a small man but clean and intelligent looking. He looks like the kind of person you believe when they tell you something; the perfect salesman. “We’ve had the car pulled around to the front so if you’ll just follow me.” I nod with a pleasant smile and grab my bag off the counter before following him out of the dealership.
And there, in the English rain, is my 1995 Land Rover 90. It’s forest green with a white top and all black accents. I immediately pull open the drivers’ door and jump in. I throw my bag into the passenger seat and begin to inspect my new vehicle. The interior is black leather and clean but it is spartan compared to new luxuries. The steering wheel is soft and warm under my hands.
“Do you want to test drive it, Miss?” the man asks. He’s opening his umbrella to keep his gelled hair and starched white shirt dry.
“Oh, no thank you. I am quite sure it will be fine.” I reply without taking my eyes off the dash. I am mentally cataloging every detail so I will always remember this moment. There is no new car smell in here, just the faint smell of warm leather and dirt. “If everything is taken care of, I’ll be on my way.” I smile and take a deep breath.
“Of course. All of our paper work is complete and there’s nothing else we’ll need.” He says happily. He’s just made commission off of my purchase and had to do minimal work, so he’s happy.
“Well, thank you very much for your help. Have a wonderful day.” I say and shut the door. I don’t know if he said anything in reply but it’s the least of my concerns. I turn the key and feel the gentle vibrations of the engine. I momentarily confer with my navigation before pulling out of the parking lot.
I wave goodbye to the realtor and move quickly through the gentle rain to the car. I toss the keys into the air and catch them with a smile after unlocking the door. I throw my bag into the empty passenger seat and close the door against the rain.
I have a car, a job and a home; what else do I need? These keys belong to me and no one else. For a moment, I stare down at the key ring in my hand. I have the two keys to the car and two keys to the flat, and a small blue dala horse keychain. I sigh and start the engine. Of course there are two of each key. The world was built for two.
I find a parking spot towards the back of the Ikea parking lot and pull my hood over my hair before stepping out of the car. I have been in England for 3 days now but the rain still bothers me. It shouldn’t; I’ve just moved from a similar climate where it rains just as much but for some reason I was expecting more of a change.
Because I am shopping alone, I am at total leisure to spend as much time as I want browsing, choosing and finally selecting my items. I get everything I can possibly imagine I’ll need. Pots, pans, dishes, napkins, flatware, stemware, serve ware, a small table, curtains, curtain rods, a few small lamps, a shower curtain, towels, mats/rugs, a bed, sheets, blankets, a rug and 2 lounge chairs.
I pay for my things and arrange for delivery of the larger items tomorrow morning. I will be building furniture for the foreseeable future. I take the smaller items with me and drop them off at the flat.
I sit down on the floor of my empty studio and sit quietly for a few moments. After months and months of anxiety, heartbreak and more stress than one little body should be able to handle, I made my move. I still show the physical and some of the mental symptoms of depression but I believe that this move is the right choice.
Around 8:30, I lock up the flat and head back to the hotel.
I spend about an hour packing my things and making sure I’ve left nothing behind. For some reason my things always seem to migrate around hotel rooms no matter how hard I try to keep them cleaned up.
Around 11:00 I sit down on the bed, still wet after my shower and scan the room for any last unpacked items. There aren’t any. Everything I brought with me fits neatly into my suitcases.
I switch off the light and lay back against the pillows. While I know it is bed time, I also know that I will lay awake almost all night before getting up again around 5am to start my day.
I pull the cold hotel cover up to my chin and spread all my limbs out so that I take up as much of the bed as I can. But my little frame is no match for the king size mattress. I am alone now, I remind myself. I can sleep on any part of the bed I choose.
“Big changes in 2011, Lilly.” I tell myself before slipping off into the fitful sleep I have come to know oh so well.
♠ ♠ ♠
