Status: New
If I Look Back
#12
Trudging through the snow to the house, I remember why I have a love/hate relationship with winter. I can’t think of anything more beautiful at Christmas than a family home with colored lights that reflect and shine in the snow. But I can’t think of anything worse than wet, cold feet.
Before I can open the door, my mother throws it open and throws herself into my arms despite my hands being laden down with my bags. She is warm and familiar and I am so grateful to see her.
“Oh,” she cries. “My lilla Lilly. Come in, come in before you freeze.” She releases me and ushers me into the warm house.
Mom takes my things and shuffles off to put them in my room. I wipe the snow off my shoes on the mat before taking them off and leaving them in the row by the door. Judging by the shoes, my brothers are already here with their families. I smile when I hear their voices from down the hall.
“Aunt Lilly!” my nephew squeals as he runs down the hallway to meet me. He flies up into my arms and clings to me like a vine. His little head is covered in blonde curls and his blue eyes are as big as saucers.
“Hektor, you are so big!” I say and hold him close.
My brother Stefan was the first of the Rapp children to marry and start a family. He met his wife Anna in high school and they have been inseparable ever since. Hektor is four and their new baby Arn is only a few months old.
I make my way to the family room, still carrying Hektor who is squirming around trying to get down so he can show me all of the pictures he’s been drawing.
As soon as I enter the living room, family members looking for hugs and explanations of why I’ve been away for so long surround me. Farfar hugs me tightly and pats my cheek gently and gives me his usual smile that tells me he’s missed me but has forgiven me for being away. Farmor, however, is the more persistent.
“Where have you been child?” she says, after releasing me from the hug. “You are skinny like Linnea. Do British people not eat?” She pinches my arm and cheek before shaking her head and shuffling off. “And I never thought I would see more of Linnea than you! You were always such a home-bound child.”
“I am sorry, Farmor.” I say and follow her into the kitchen. She pours me a glass of wine and leans on the counter, clearly expecting me to keep talking. “I am closer now and I will be able to see you more often.”
“Yes,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “When your father moved you all to America, I thought surely I’d die before I saw you again. But then, low and behold, he moves back but without my darling Lilly!” She is wagging her finger at me now, trying to shame me but I can only smile. “They told me that my little girl who couldn’t stand to even sleep over away from home was off to the West Coast.” She says with a scoff.
“I thought I would be happy there. I enjoyed my school and was able to bring a great deal to the Scandinavian program there.” I reply attempting to justify myself even though I know there’s no way I’ll convince her. “Then I met a man and I thought he was worth it.” I shrug my shoulders and take a long sip of my wine.
“No man is worth it if he won’t visit your family.” She says angrily before turning to the sink. Farmor peels potatoes when she’s angry. I know it hurt a lot of feelings when I told my family that he wasn’t willing to travel here to meet them.
“I know that now.” I reply, moving beside her to help.
“Good.” She says without looking up at me. We stand together, side-by-side, peeling potatoes in silence. After a few minutes, she begins talking again. “Tell me about this new man of yours.”
“How did you know I’m seeing someone?” I ask, incredulous. I had only told my mother and only briefly.
“My dear, your sweet little cousin mentioned it. But clearly, I need to know more.”
“Alright,” I say with a sigh. “You know I think it’s bad luck to talk about how great he is before it gets serious, right?” Farmor just waves me on. “His name is Benedict. He’s tall, with incredible eyes and cheekbones. He’s smart and funny and also incredibly talented.”
“What does he do? Does he make a good living?” she asks, putting the potatoes into the pot.
“Yes, Farmor, he makes a good living.” I say. I don’t really want to divulge everything about him quite yet. I can only imagine the uproar when Farmor finds out I’m seeing one of the men from War Horse. And I can’t help but wonder if Linnea has told her about Tom.
“And he makes you happy? That last one of yours didn’t seem to make you happy. What happened to him again? Last I heard you were talking about getting engaged.” Farmor has moved from the potatoes and is standing across the island from me, looking very serious.
“Benedict makes me very happy. The last man moved away and left me behind. After he left, I realized what he’d been doing over the years and I ended it with him because I wasn’t myself anymore. But Benedict makes me feel like it’s okay to be exactly who I am. He doesn’t want me to be anything different. He gets me out of my comfort zone but in a way that is inspiring rather than belittling.”
“He sounds like a saint.” She says with a wide smile. “I hope I get to meet him some day.”
“I’m sure you will. He’s already indicated that he’d like to meet the family.” Before Farmor can reply, my father enters the kitchen and throws an arm around my shoulders.
“Who are we meeting? Need any help in here?” He asks with a smile because he knows everything is done for the moment. “The rest of the gang should be here shortly.”
“Ah, Kalle.” Farmor says with a wicked grin. “You can help Lilly set the table for dinner.”
My father groans but move to the cupboard to get the plates.
“Lilly,” Linnea asks from a few seats down. “Will you pass the wine?”
“Of course,” I reply with a flourish and pass her the bottle.
My Aunt, Uncle and cousins arrived about an hour after I did. So the long table is crowded and noisy. Everyone has things to fill in the family about and there are multiple conversations happening at the same time.
Both of my brothers are here; Stefan and his wife Anna with their two sons and Hans brought his new girlfriend, Tulla. My cousin Lars is here with his wife Rika and their two-year-old son, Amos. Linnea is here and Johan will arrive from London later this evening.
Farmor beams when she looks around her table to see her entire family. I know it means a lot to her to have us here and I am sorry I missed so much while living in the US.
When dinner is finished, every grandchild is charged with a task to help clean up. Lars and Stefan must collect all the plates and serving dishes from the table, clear the scraps and set them aside for washing. Hans and Tulla clear the silverware and glasses. Anna and Rika collect the children and wipe them down. Unfortunately, Linnea and I get stuck with washing the dishes.
My father and uncle reset the table for dessert to be served as soon as dinner is cleared. My mother makes coffee and my aunt prepares to serve.
“Benedict was certainly bummed that you didn’t stay in London for the holidays.” Linnea says as soon as everyone else is out of hearing range.
“He knew I wasn’t staying.” I reply, confused. How can he be sad? He didn’t ask me to stay.
“I know.” She replies with a shrug. “What did you ask for on your Christmas list?”
“Oh,” I begin, trying to remember what I’d written down. “I asked for a few books, a sweater and a new hairdryer, I think. You?”
“I can’t even remember what I wrote down. I can’t even remember where I was when my mom asked for the list.” She says with a laugh and a shake of her head. “Most days I’m lucky if I remember a matching pair of dress shoes for Tom and my head. Did I ever tell you about the time we’d packed in a hurry and ended up with two left shoes?”
“Girls,” My aunt Callista calls before Linnea can tell me the story. “We can finish the dishes after service. If we wait for you two to stop gabbing and get it done, we’ll miss church.” She winks at us before she disappears back in to the dining room.
I shrug and wipe my hands on the towel. Christmas Eve service is my favorite and I am greatly looking forward to it.
And then, from somewhere deep inside, springs the little thought that would nag me all through dessert and most of church, I wish Benedict were here.
Before I can open the door, my mother throws it open and throws herself into my arms despite my hands being laden down with my bags. She is warm and familiar and I am so grateful to see her.
“Oh,” she cries. “My lilla Lilly. Come in, come in before you freeze.” She releases me and ushers me into the warm house.
Mom takes my things and shuffles off to put them in my room. I wipe the snow off my shoes on the mat before taking them off and leaving them in the row by the door. Judging by the shoes, my brothers are already here with their families. I smile when I hear their voices from down the hall.
“Aunt Lilly!” my nephew squeals as he runs down the hallway to meet me. He flies up into my arms and clings to me like a vine. His little head is covered in blonde curls and his blue eyes are as big as saucers.
“Hektor, you are so big!” I say and hold him close.
My brother Stefan was the first of the Rapp children to marry and start a family. He met his wife Anna in high school and they have been inseparable ever since. Hektor is four and their new baby Arn is only a few months old.
I make my way to the family room, still carrying Hektor who is squirming around trying to get down so he can show me all of the pictures he’s been drawing.
As soon as I enter the living room, family members looking for hugs and explanations of why I’ve been away for so long surround me. Farfar hugs me tightly and pats my cheek gently and gives me his usual smile that tells me he’s missed me but has forgiven me for being away. Farmor, however, is the more persistent.
“Where have you been child?” she says, after releasing me from the hug. “You are skinny like Linnea. Do British people not eat?” She pinches my arm and cheek before shaking her head and shuffling off. “And I never thought I would see more of Linnea than you! You were always such a home-bound child.”
“I am sorry, Farmor.” I say and follow her into the kitchen. She pours me a glass of wine and leans on the counter, clearly expecting me to keep talking. “I am closer now and I will be able to see you more often.”
“Yes,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “When your father moved you all to America, I thought surely I’d die before I saw you again. But then, low and behold, he moves back but without my darling Lilly!” She is wagging her finger at me now, trying to shame me but I can only smile. “They told me that my little girl who couldn’t stand to even sleep over away from home was off to the West Coast.” She says with a scoff.
“I thought I would be happy there. I enjoyed my school and was able to bring a great deal to the Scandinavian program there.” I reply attempting to justify myself even though I know there’s no way I’ll convince her. “Then I met a man and I thought he was worth it.” I shrug my shoulders and take a long sip of my wine.
“No man is worth it if he won’t visit your family.” She says angrily before turning to the sink. Farmor peels potatoes when she’s angry. I know it hurt a lot of feelings when I told my family that he wasn’t willing to travel here to meet them.
“I know that now.” I reply, moving beside her to help.
“Good.” She says without looking up at me. We stand together, side-by-side, peeling potatoes in silence. After a few minutes, she begins talking again. “Tell me about this new man of yours.”
“How did you know I’m seeing someone?” I ask, incredulous. I had only told my mother and only briefly.
“My dear, your sweet little cousin mentioned it. But clearly, I need to know more.”
“Alright,” I say with a sigh. “You know I think it’s bad luck to talk about how great he is before it gets serious, right?” Farmor just waves me on. “His name is Benedict. He’s tall, with incredible eyes and cheekbones. He’s smart and funny and also incredibly talented.”
“What does he do? Does he make a good living?” she asks, putting the potatoes into the pot.
“Yes, Farmor, he makes a good living.” I say. I don’t really want to divulge everything about him quite yet. I can only imagine the uproar when Farmor finds out I’m seeing one of the men from War Horse. And I can’t help but wonder if Linnea has told her about Tom.
“And he makes you happy? That last one of yours didn’t seem to make you happy. What happened to him again? Last I heard you were talking about getting engaged.” Farmor has moved from the potatoes and is standing across the island from me, looking very serious.
“Benedict makes me very happy. The last man moved away and left me behind. After he left, I realized what he’d been doing over the years and I ended it with him because I wasn’t myself anymore. But Benedict makes me feel like it’s okay to be exactly who I am. He doesn’t want me to be anything different. He gets me out of my comfort zone but in a way that is inspiring rather than belittling.”
“He sounds like a saint.” She says with a wide smile. “I hope I get to meet him some day.”
“I’m sure you will. He’s already indicated that he’d like to meet the family.” Before Farmor can reply, my father enters the kitchen and throws an arm around my shoulders.
“Who are we meeting? Need any help in here?” He asks with a smile because he knows everything is done for the moment. “The rest of the gang should be here shortly.”
“Ah, Kalle.” Farmor says with a wicked grin. “You can help Lilly set the table for dinner.”
My father groans but move to the cupboard to get the plates.
“Lilly,” Linnea asks from a few seats down. “Will you pass the wine?”
“Of course,” I reply with a flourish and pass her the bottle.
My Aunt, Uncle and cousins arrived about an hour after I did. So the long table is crowded and noisy. Everyone has things to fill in the family about and there are multiple conversations happening at the same time.
Both of my brothers are here; Stefan and his wife Anna with their two sons and Hans brought his new girlfriend, Tulla. My cousin Lars is here with his wife Rika and their two-year-old son, Amos. Linnea is here and Johan will arrive from London later this evening.
Farmor beams when she looks around her table to see her entire family. I know it means a lot to her to have us here and I am sorry I missed so much while living in the US.
When dinner is finished, every grandchild is charged with a task to help clean up. Lars and Stefan must collect all the plates and serving dishes from the table, clear the scraps and set them aside for washing. Hans and Tulla clear the silverware and glasses. Anna and Rika collect the children and wipe them down. Unfortunately, Linnea and I get stuck with washing the dishes.
My father and uncle reset the table for dessert to be served as soon as dinner is cleared. My mother makes coffee and my aunt prepares to serve.
“Benedict was certainly bummed that you didn’t stay in London for the holidays.” Linnea says as soon as everyone else is out of hearing range.
“He knew I wasn’t staying.” I reply, confused. How can he be sad? He didn’t ask me to stay.
“I know.” She replies with a shrug. “What did you ask for on your Christmas list?”
“Oh,” I begin, trying to remember what I’d written down. “I asked for a few books, a sweater and a new hairdryer, I think. You?”
“I can’t even remember what I wrote down. I can’t even remember where I was when my mom asked for the list.” She says with a laugh and a shake of her head. “Most days I’m lucky if I remember a matching pair of dress shoes for Tom and my head. Did I ever tell you about the time we’d packed in a hurry and ended up with two left shoes?”
“Girls,” My aunt Callista calls before Linnea can tell me the story. “We can finish the dishes after service. If we wait for you two to stop gabbing and get it done, we’ll miss church.” She winks at us before she disappears back in to the dining room.
I shrug and wipe my hands on the towel. Christmas Eve service is my favorite and I am greatly looking forward to it.
And then, from somewhere deep inside, springs the little thought that would nag me all through dessert and most of church, I wish Benedict were here.
♠ ♠ ♠
