If I Look Back

“Do we have everyone?” Linnea asks and begins a quick head count before we take the short walk to the church. “Never mind,” she mutters after a minute. “I can’t remember who all is here anyway.” She wraps my scarf around my neck and pulls my hat down over my ears. “There,” she says with a lopsided smile. “I figured you could use some help.” She motions to the baby in my arms.

“Thank you,” I reply. “You’re quite the little helper these days.”

Anna had given Arn to me as we were leaving the house and I haven’t wanted to give him back. He snuggles further into my arms and I tuck his blanket in around his little face. His tiny little ears are covered with a knitted cap that matches the tiny mittens on his hands. He is sleeping now but is showing signs of waking.

“Yes, well, I spend most of my time making sure an overgrown man-child is where he is supposed to be with all the things he needs. It becomes second nature really.” She answers and strolls along side me.

“What is Tom doing for Christmas?” I ask. “I think Benedict said he would be with his parents but may see Tom tonight.”

“I think that was the plan. Johan said he was going to see Tom before heading to the airport today but I’m not sure. I know that Tom will be with his family tomorrow.” Linnea replies.

We’re a merry procession, several generations all taking the traditional walk to Christmas Eve service. Somehow Linnea and I end up behind the rest of the family. Farmor always did have a power walk.

The night air is cool and crisp, the kind that burns inside your nose and down into your chest with its chill but refreshes you.

Farmor and Farfar live in a large farmhouse just outside of Uppsala. There are other houses nearby and a small village center with a market, the church and a few other small town necessities. The neighbors are also making their way to the church.

The sky is clear and doesn’t show any signs of snow. Without the light pollution, the stars shine so brightly that they seem close enough to touch. Hektor points out a few of the constellations he’s learned and receives several comments of praise.

“Where is Johan?” Stefan asks over his shoulder.

“He was supposed to arrive in time for church.” Linnea says before dashing after Hektor. I can see that he has an armful of snowballs and I hope the baby gives me some defense from the oncoming attack. But as I expected, Hektor goes for his dad and Linnea goes for her brother Lars.

Once we arrive at church, we file into the pews in our normal order but they put me at the far end in case Arn wakes up and is fussy. Our family takes up two pews so we create one line across the church. Linnea grumbles when her brother insists that she sit on the end of the pew but her father appeases the two of them by standing in between them just as the service starts.

Arn wakes up as the singing begins but I sing softly to him and he seems happy. The church is filled with candles and evergreen boughs so he has plenty to look at. He just lies happily in my arms while I sing. It’s so natural but so foreign that it seems like an entirely different life.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I unwrap my scarf as we enter the church and stomp some of the snow off my shoes. I can’t think of a time when I’ve seen so much snow. But the effect is beautiful. All of the house lights, Christmas lights and colors reflect so perfectly in the white that it’s almost dream-like. It feels like a movie set.

“I guess this is what Christmas is supposed to look like.” Tom says with a chuckle. “I think I even saw reindeer on the drive out here.”

“You did,” Johan replies with a twinkle in his eyes. He takes our coats to hang them in the small closet outside the sanctuary. “That’s Mr. Ackerman’s farm.” I look at Tom with wide eyes and we have to stifle our laughter to enter the church.

Johan silently points towards Lilly even though I’d already noticed her. He and Tom split off towards the left side of the church. I notice Linnea arm-in-arm with a man I presume to be her father.

As I make my way towards Lilly, I am suddenly nervous. What if she feels that I am intruding? Johan had asked a few weeks ago if I’d like to go for Christmas as a surprise. He and Tom were already planning the surprise for Linnea so it seemed more natural for me to go. But I haven’t been seeing her that long and I don’t want her to think I’m pushing or anything like that.

As I get closer, I see that she is swaying softly and singing to a little bundle in her arms. There is a tiny little hand wrapped around her pinky finger and she only has eyes for the baby.

Her cheeks are still pink from the cold and the candles enhance the warm tones in her hair. It’s pulled back messily and one the baby’s other hand is firmly gripped on a large section of her ponytail.

I manage to slip into the pew beside her before she even notices me. But when she does, she looks surprised for a moment but quickly smiles brightly. She leans into me and reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses me chastely on the cheek.

“This is Arn.” She whispers and relinquishes the baby’s hand. He immediately grabs on to my finger. I plant a quick kiss in her hair.

When we sit for the service, she allows me to put my arm around her shoulders and she settles into the space beside me. The baby coos quietly and stares off into the lights decorating the church.

When the service is over and we are all wrapped in our coats and winter accessories, the introductions begin. While I am overwhelmed to be meeting almost her entire family in one evening, she seems happy to introduce me.

“You two can walk with me,” Farmor says and pulls Tom and myself into her confidence. Lilly and Linnea just smile and walk off towards the house leaving us at the mercy of their grandmother.