I'm Not Okay

I can remember the last time I sat in a chair in a hospital just waiting, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so worried in my life. It’s been nearly a whole day, and Holly still hasn’t wakened up.

The only time I left was to go perform for the show. I know Holly wouldn’t have wanted us to cancel, so I went and dedicated the show to ‘a close friend in the hospital’ and rushed straight back.

Or I would have, if I hadn’t ran into Todd, and probably against my own better judgment, I stopped and asked him if he know anything about Holly. He’s eyes shifted to the ground and mumbled words fell out,

“Look Gerard, she’s… it wasn’t meant to happen. I was drunk and stupid and I mean she was just there and the bottle… Come on! You’ve seen her!” Todd laughed as he looked up at me and smiled. Just as I processed his words, I jumped on his, pinning his to the ground and started throwing punches at his face as I heard him and others all around me yelling and trying to pull me off of him. Just then I felt a strong pair of arms lift me off of Todd. I turned around and saw Bob.

I turned back around and glared at Todd, through the hair that was stuck on my face. “If ever, even come near her again, I’ll kill you motherfucker.”

I turned on my heels and stomped away towards the hospital. Yes, I walked. But no one bothered me, maybe it was the ‘Mess with Me and Your Dead’ look I had.

When I got to the hospital, the doctor was surprised to see me. I asked if there was any update on Holly’s condition. There wasn’t.

So I’ve been sitting here since midnight last night and in between a few minutes of sleep, I’ve been watching her sleep, hoping she’ll wake up. All I can think about is what Todd did. I swear to god I’m going to make he’s life a living hell once Holly gets better, but right now she’s all I can focus on. As I look at her, I can’t help but want to sketch her in all her beauty. Could I be falling for her?

It’s odd to think but I’ve spent every minute the past two days either with her, thinking about her, or worrying about her. She just clings to me so, and she just doesn’t seem like another fan. The way her blue eyes just shine when I talk to her or touch her, and inviting her to live with me… Oh, fuck, I’m honestly surprised she didn’t runaway from me right then and there. It did sound a bit crazy, to just- wait did her eyes just flicker? I moved from my seat near the side of the bed and watched carefully as Holly opened her eyes.

“Ger-Gerard?” Holly blinked her eyes as she turned her head, ever so slightly and looked at me. “How long?”

“About a day, I’ve never left, except for the show, that is.” Holly smiled her approval before closing her eyes and shifting her body to get adjusted for sleep.

I got up and went to the nurse’s station where I saw Holly’s doctor, Dr. Craft, she said to come get her if there were any changes to Holly’s condition and there obviously was. I saw the doctor and called out to her.

“Dr. Craft!” She turned around immediately at the sound of her name and smiled dimly as she saw it was me, I can guess why. I had been bugging her about Holly non-stop. I would always get the same answer: Just give her time Mr. Way.

“She’s awake, Dr.” I said with a smile that could probably go for miles. The doctor’s eyes went wide and she rushed to Holly’s room. I guess I really shouldn’t have told the doctor yet. Holly should have had more time to sleep.

“Well, I guess he was right,” Dr. Craft said, announcing her presence into the hospital room. I passed her and sat myself back into the chair I previously occupied next to Holly’s bed.

“Huh?” Holly mumbled as she sat up in the bed and she looked at me and smiled, and then saw what was probably a glum look on my face, and looked at the doctor that was at the foot of her bed. “What’s up Doc?”

“Hello Holly, I’m Doctor Jane Craft, I’m what you might call a specialist. I’m one of few doctors that have dealt with multiple rape cases, but yours Holly, as I’ve conferred with Dr. Franz, is unique. But that doctor,” Dr, Craft, for looking quite strong willed for a moment let a look of anger pass on her face at the thought of Franz. “Got few things wrong. First of all, they shouldn’t have released you from the hospital you were at. You should have gotten a blood transfusion because of all the blood you lost, it puts way too much strain on the heart to make to make it all up on its own. You also should have gotten a pregnancy test.”

“What?!” Holly yelled in a small voice. Her hand darted around blindly on the hospital bed and I grabbed it quickly.

“Yes, we’ve done both the transfusion and the pregnancy test. More tests may be needed for the baby’s sake.” I stared as Holly shook her and tears formed and fell down her cheeks.

“No. No, no, no! It’s impossible, I can’t be. He said I can’t have kids.” Holly stated as she stared at a spot on the speckled tile.

“He said, that is lessens your change of conceiving on your own,” Dr. Craft corrected her. “And Holly I’m sorry but you must accept this.”

“How can you even tell?” Holly’s head shot straight up, quicker than the speed of sound. Dr. Craft didn’t even blink; she seemed as if she was expecting this question.

“Holly, health technology is getting more and more advanced by the second. Soon enough we can attach censors to woman letting them know.” Holly didn’t seem like she cared about the information, but nodded her head either way. After a few minutes I told Dr. Craft she could go, she nodded and left.

“Holly?” I moved from the chair to the side of the bed. Holly still hadn’t let go of my hand, she just sat there with one arm crossed, staring out the window.

“Gerard, I don’t want to be pregnant.” She turned her head slowly to look at me. “You have no fucking clue. Yet no matter how scared or how much I don’t want it, I’m stuck like this.” She turned her head from me and looked back out the window as silent tears made their way down her face.

I couldn’t take seeing her so upset, so I stood and walked out of the room to find Doctor Craft. I found her, as she was, ever present at the nurse’s station. I called out her name and she turned to me with an exasperated look.

“What now, Mr. Way?”