I'm Not Okay

“So,” I turned to Gerard as I got comfortable on the couch and crossed my legs. He turned to me with a small smile. “Since I already know a bit about you, you go first.”

“Okay…,”He trailed off as he thought. His eyes gazing up and around as he did. “What’s your most missed memory?”

“That’s easy, my little niece Bailey. Every single memory of her, I miss her so much you just wouldn’t believe. She was my first funeral, my first tattoo, and my first depression,” I took a breathe and closed my eyes to stop the tears that threatened to escape, when I felt Gerard’s hand enclose on mine. I smiled, “And yours?”

“Grandma Elena.” He smiled.

“What’s the thing you want most? I asked. The question, I was sure was something that he had been asked before, in numerous interviews, but I didn’t know, and of course answers always change.

“What I want most?” He asked as he thought about the question. “Someone I can spend the rest of my life with,” He looked directly at me as he said this.

***

As the day wore on, I kept my place on the couch behind the driver with Gerard’s answer to my question stuck in my mind. We didn’t finish our game though, right after he answered my question and a short silence, where I could swear he was getting closer and closer, his phone rang.

It was his lawyer, Gerard told me an hour later as he came out of the bunks, and apparently Lyn-Z is serving him divorce papers.

But that was hours earlier, and now I’m the only one up, except for the driver of course. And I can hear soft snores coming from the bunk area and the mere thought of sleep made me yawn. The driver, whose name I couldn’t remember if my life depended on it, had to have heard me as he said,

“We have about an hour and a half to go, why don’t you go get some shut-eye?” I nodded, even though in the back of my mind I knew that he couldn’t see me do it, and stumbled sleepily to the bunks. I looked around and saw Gerard awake in the corner of his bunk. (He traded with Frank who had the bottom left one) He had a laptop open on his waist and I saw he was looking through an email account. He looked up and smiled as he scooted over even more and motioned for me to sit or lay, whatever.

I laid down and rested my head on his pillow, “Gerard, lets go to sleep.” I said as he studied me for a second before closing the laptop and putting it away, then laid down next to me.

Through the dark he slid his arm around me, “Goodnight Holly…” I could hear there was something else, there in his voice. But I didn’t push it; I was too tired and earlier was still bugging me.

“Goodnight Gee.