I'm Not Okay

Holly came back to the hospital at least seven hours after leaving. I was starting to get worried but at the same time the things Heather had told me worried me even more. As Holly snuggled into the crook of my arm, I reached over to the bedside table and picked up the notebook where I had written everything Heather had told me down. I looked over at Holly, she had her eyes closed and her breathing was starting to even out. I knew it would be kind of mean to wake her up. But I need to if this was true and if she could with the cards she had been dealt.

I poked her and her eyes fluttered open, “Huh? Oh,” Holly said as she saw the notebook in my hand. She adjusted herself and started reading the paper. Her eyes widened as she read. “Who told this?!”

”Heather” I mouthed.

Holly shook her head, “I’m so sorry. I-I should have been the one to tell you about my past, not Heather. She’s my best, but that’s not her place.” She turned and faced me. “It’s true, about my dad. He told my mom it was my fault. That I came on to him, but yeah that’s why I was crying and was bleeding?” Holly shook her head. I could see the tears.

“But no, she didn’t believe me. She never did. It tore our family apart. I lived with. I lived with Heather until, you know.” She looked at the floor. I had been tracing circles into her back since she started speaking. “It always seems to happen to me. I figured I wouldn’t have kids. I went to doctor when I was thirteen, that’s when it happened. He said if I had excessive sex, or was r-raped again. I wouldn’t have kids again. So, it just sucks you know? I was ripped of my virginity and my right as a woman to have children. Since the age of thirteen I have dealt with things way beyond my maturity level and you know I really shouldn’t have to.” Holly’s voice cracked.

I couldn’t believe the things that had happened to her, Holly was only sixteen and was dealing with things as if she were my age. I wrapped my arms around her and held her until I knew she was fast asleep. I was I could speak freely and tell her how much she means to me, and-and how much I wish now of this had never happened to her. I wish I could say all the right words.