Somewhere in NYC

The sheets smell too sterile and you're beginning to feel suffocated from forcing your head into the pillow but you can't stop. As far as the people around you know you're asleep, and that's how you'd like it to stay, but you know you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from yelling out if you take your face from the sheets. The sheet is beginning to feel wet from the amount of tears you've shed and you don't want anyone to see that either. It's just all so confusing and you don't know what and who to believe.

You must have fallen asleep because when you next open your eyes the sun is setting in the sky and your head aches from crying but all the tears have gone. When you turn over and take in the other side of the room you can see that Alex is sat with his headphones in and you remember the conversations you need to have; presumably the reason he's been sat there waiting for you to wake up.

The anticipation is putting you on the edge and your emotions already feel frayed, so you decide to do this sooner rather than later.

"Hey," you croak as a result of not using your voice for a few hours, before realizing that he's listening to music and unable to hear you. You shove his knee gently to wake him up, savoring the last moments of calm and sleep and thinking about how beautiful and peaceful he looks; you may be angry at him, but you still love him.

He opens his eyes and immediately takes out his headphones, shifting eagerly in his chair to be closer to you before he remembers the distance you put between the two of you in your last conversation and sliding back in his chair, smiling at you hopefully.

"Hi," he says shyly, "so how are-"

"Alex can we just get on with this," you say quickly. You'd love to be all lovey, but maybe if he'd been nicer and you knew what exactly was going on that would be easier to do.

"Yeah, sure, sorry," Alex says quickly. "So, the doctor said that... that... Fuck, I don't know how to say this Jacko... That..." he trails off again. You know that he feels unsure and like something's about to snap, that none of this should be happening, because you feel the same.

You realize that neither of you are going to get very far in this conversation if you stay as you are. And this is a conversation that really needs to be said. The lost feeling in your heart that still harbors some compassion crushes down the anger that still festers and so you take his hand from where it lies on the arm of the small chair and pull him up to sit next to you on the bed. He smiles at you thankfully. Once he's seated closer to you he tries to let go of your hand but you just hold it tighter, needing the strength it gives you.

"Okay, so here's the way things are, Jack. The doctor said I'd need to lay it out for you, so here's the way things are." He pauses before continuing, just long enough to take a deep breath. "You are in a band, we're called All Time Low and we started out back when we lived in Baltimore. Your family were awesome about it and supportive and we started touring as a result of us having such great families too. He said you mentioned Zack and Rian who are also in the band, and Matt who's our tour manager. We don't really settle in one place like ever, and never in New York." Your mind is spinning. So far it's the life you thought you had before this whole New York thing happened, and you feel hopeful this is real life, because it's exactly what you want, and somehow you know it is.

"So... Why did I think all that stuff?" you say anxiously.

You can audibly hear Alex gulp when you ask the question and he pauses for a few seconds again. You wait for him to collect himself, too nervous to prompt him.

"We were on the bus, and we were driving to the next city," he says carefully. "Then this, this fucking drunk asshole comes out of nowhere and the bus gets jolted by our driver trying to avoid hitting him. But in the process we crash in to a wall. The crash threw us all around. And everyone else was okay but-" he breaks off, and you can feel the tears in his voice.

Although you still feel scattered everywhere, something in you instinctively reaches an arm around him to pull him in to your body and he makes a fist around the fabric of your clothes with the hand you aren't still holding, holding you both in place as the world spins too fast.

"We were all in bunks, but you were sat up in the front at a table and when the bus jolted, it looks like it moved you so fast that you hit your head on the wall behind, and then the table in front as it jolted again... and it knocked you out and twisted you up but you were out cold for so much longer than any of us could cope with and it was horrible and we couldn't believe what was happening and we thought we'd lost you for a while and it was so bad I'm so sorry," he babbles in to your shoulder and squeeze him tighter, this time because you just need to to know that you're still here and he's still here and you can't think properly but you can feel him next to you and that's got to be enough to keep you here, and you think it is.

"So, Alex?" you say carefully, "I'm not going to wake up there again am I? That wasn't life?"

"No. But," he adds, misinterpreting the tears of relief in your eyes for tears of sadness, "this one is great, I promise. Like really fantastic."

"I know, Lex. I remember. I'm just relieved."

You turn your head, and as your eyes meet a feeling so strong passes through your heart that you act on impulse and kiss him, too quickly for your brain to catch up with what you're doing. But he doesn't kiss back, and that's when you realize that being here means that you don't get to have Alex in the way you really want to. In the way you'd got used to. You feel your stomach drop, and you reflexively look away.

He laughs quietly, but it sounds like more of a shocked gasp, and gently takes his hand out of yours to gently turn your face to face him.

"What was that for?" he says, but he's smiling so you figure he's not about to storm out.

"Um..." you say hesitantly, "it's just something that used to happen in New York."

He smirks. "Good job it was New York and not Vegas; what happens in New York doesn't have to stay there," he says before leaning towards you and kissing you again.