Loving a Million Times Again

"I'm not strong enough for the both of us," he said breaking in to a sad smile. "But you know I love you right?" I averted my gaze to the people in the park. It was the perfect scene: public, serene, the place we first met.
I gulped and waited. When he didn't speak I glanced at him. He had that same torn look on his face. It was hard to hate him when he looked like that.
"Say something," he whispered desperately. He needed to hear me say it one last time. Just once and that was it, done forever.
"There's nothing to say Sam," I sighed finally meeting his eyes. "I don't love you, I never did." I stood and crossed the pathways of the park. I needed to get away. Why did I say something like that?
I couldn't turn around, I refused. So I kept walking and I walked all the way home.

"Robyn? Is that you sweety?" my mama called from the second floor.
"Yes," I replied not nearly loud enough for her to hear. I sauntered over to the couch and allowed my body to soak in the soft cushions. All I could think about was his unruly blonde hair and sad blue eyes. The way his eyes watered when I spoke wrenched my heart so hard for a moment I was afraid I was having a minor heart attack.
"Robyn Jae Lewis do you hear me talking to you?" my mama snapped. I looked to her and her face contorted in to something horrific. "Baby girl what's the matter with you? Did you and Sammy have a fight again?"
"No...we uh we broke up," I mumbled.
She sat beside me on the couch and put her arms around me. "What? Why? You guys were fine just this morning!"
"Mama I don't want to talk about this with you," I said.
She was agape. "Well why not? It's not like I ain't experience a broken heart before!"
"I'm not broken hearted," I snapped. "I hated being with him! And just when I get the courage to say something, he goes and..." I couldn't finish. I wouldn't finish. If I had then it would have made it true.
"Goes and what?" she leaned in and I stood in anger. I was exhausted and I didn't want to deal with her crap.
"Mama just leave it alone okay?" I dashed upstairs to my room and locked the door behind me. She wouldn't leave it alone. She was a nosy bug, she had to know everything and if she didn't then she would find out. But I rather her find out from someone else than me. I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to make everything that happened, everything I said true. All I wanted was to wake up and find that all was well in the end.
"Your eyes are brighter than the sun Robyn," Sam grinned running his fingers through my hair. "Brighter than any light that brings life to this earth."
"Shut up, you're so corny," I giggled.
"It's the truth," he smiled. He stared at me for the longest moment as if he was examining me. He cupped his hand around my face and gently pressed his lips against mine. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating on to me. He broke away just enough to say, "I love you. I love you a million times over. And I'll love you a million times more."
I picked up the picture frame of us on my nightstand and tossed it in to the trash. How could I allow this to happen? I plopped down on my bed and allowed the dark room to consume me. All I wanted was to fast forward. Fast forward to a time where things weren't so complicated and forget all the bad things that made things so sad.

"Hey so I heard about you and Sam," Helen greeted me at my locker. I rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't hear her. "He's not a school you know."
"My weekend was great thanks for asking," I smiled as I slammed my locker shut.
"Oh please, you were crying your eyes out!"
"Actually this is the first weekend in months that I have felt free," I replied sincerely.
Her eyes widened. "What? You guys broke up and your giving me shit about being free?! Where is the depression? The tears?"
"I told you before, I was never in love with him. Why should I even waste my time crying over it?"
"Because you slept together!" She hissed. I shushed her and peaked around my shoulders. "Look even if you think no one knows but me, trust me every one does. We know how couples glow after their first time."
"Shut up, I just wanted to have sex before I am too old to do it," I whispered.
"Are you serious? He is in love with you!" she shrieked. I groaned as students started to look in my direction. "Wait. Who broke up with who?"
"What do you mean?" I raised any eyebrow.
"You did it!" she shook her head. "He was super good to you Robyn... once he finds another girl you're going to see them and get super jelly!"
"He won't have that opportunity," I murmured.
"What?"
"Can we go to class please?" I said highly annoyed. I started off towards homeroom and tried to ignore all the stares and glares I got from everyone. Wasn't the boy suppose to get this treatment?
The day dragged on and the more stares I got the more annoyed I got with this entire situation.

Finally I decided to skip out on the rest of the day after lunch. I headed out to my car and as I stormed towards the red convertible someone bumped in to me and caused me to drop all of my belongings.
"Oh shit, I'm so sorry," the boy exclaimed as he dived to pick up my books. I watched as his muscle flexed as the books piled in to one arm and as he stood I noticed the nearly invisible scar on his right shoulder. It was jagged and long, it seemed as if it continued on down his arm. "Here you are."
"Thanks," I grinned. He returned the smile and pulled out a cigarette from behind his ear to light.
"So can I get your name? It's the least I can do for nearly knocking you down," he asked after taking a long drag of his lighted cig.
"Uh it's Robyn," I replied shyly. "What's yours?"
"Ryan," he grinned. "Our names our alphabet compatible... I wonder what else we have in common."
I giggled. It felt good to smile for once. "I wonder to."
"You heading out?" he asked raising an eyebrow. I nodded hoping the warmth of my cheeks didn't give away a blush. "Want to take a ride with me then?" He pointed to a yellow and black motorcycle parked conveniently next to my car.
"How do I know it's safe to get on a bike with you? All I know is your name?" I lectured jokingly.
He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "Guess you will have to take a chance and find out."
"I'm not a fan of motorcycles," I said truthfully starting to get a tight feeling in my stomach.
"Take a ride on the wild side Robyn Hood," he winked. "You might like it."
I don't know how he did it, but suddenly we were off on his bike riding to no where in particular. The wind whipped my hair around as we speed-ed off campus and on to the long road to no where and for once it didn't feel so bad to not know where I was going.
"How long have you rode this thing?" I yelled over the scream of the engine.
"What?!" he replied as he swerved on the street. I tightened my grip around his waist and I suddenly felt guilty for being on this bike with him when Sam was at home hurting.

He took my hand and we walked along the edge of the lake. "This is where I am suppose to read you a poem I have written and confess the love I have for you," Sam sighed. "But I am such a bad poet."
"What are you babbling about now?" I grinned leaning in to his shoulder.
He turned so that he was facing me and if it weren't for the moonlight I wouldn't have been able to see the solemn look on his face. "Robyn Jae Lewis you are the love of my life," he started. "And I know that we are going to be together forever. You are like wind, never allowing things to hold you back and I love that about you. I want you to take this," he took my left hand and slipped a silver ring on my finger. "Please accept this promise ring as a notion of devotion for you and that one day I promise to replace it with a real engagement ring."

The bike came to a stop and Ryan hopped off as I took in my surroundings. We were at a small cabin near a park. "Where are we?"
"This is Harbon Cabin... close by is Harbon Park," he replied simply. I gave him a stern look and he raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"Do you think I'm going to sleep with you just cause I got on your bike?" I asked.
"Why would I want to sleep with someone I don't know?" he countered.
I opened my mouth and closed it. He walked inside the cabin and ushered for me to follow him, and despite my gut telling me not to, I did. The inside was like a mini house, with a small stove and kitchen table in the middle of the room. On the left side was a bed and some chairs and on the right was a small area that held books and stored food.
"Who has been in here?"
"You ask an awful lot of questions," Ryan retorted.
I rolled my eyes. "Last time I checked the first amendment protected that right."
"And the last time I checked it protected opinions to," he smirked. I scoffed and he raided the food cabinet. "Wow all the shit here is expired."
"So how did you find this place?" I prodded.
He sighed and walked over to the table and joined me sitting on top of it. "Since we are prone to getting to know each other now I guess I better tell you. I came here as a child with my cousins. We used to keep it stored with stuff but after my uncle died we stopped coming so much."
"I'm sorry," I said sincerely.
He shrugged. "Why were you leaving school early?"
"Tired of getting stared at," I groaned. "Why can't people just leave me alone?"
"What happened?"
"I broke up with my boyfriend and everyone has a problem with that now!"
"Tell them to screw themselves," he said flatly.
I chuckled. "If only it were that easy."
"Was he not good?" he asked.
"I'm sorry?"
"Was he not good at sex?"
My mouth hung agape for several seconds until I could finally speak again. "Why would you ask that?"
"Why else would you break up with him?"
"Because of other things!" I exclaimed.
"So it was the sex," he stated.
"You are vile!"
"I'm just saying how it is," he shrugged.
"Why would someone break up with you?"
"It's never happened, I always end it," he said calmly. "There wouldn't be a reason for anyone to break up with me."
"I can think of many," I muttered.
"Well you haven't had sex with me so of course you would say that," he replied arrogantly.
I scoffed. "I don't think I need to ask questions about your confidence!"
He leaned over to me and I gasped. He was too close, I could smell the tobacco on his white shirt. The sleeves of the shirt looked as if they were ripped off and his biceps filled them fully. Ryan ran his hand up my thigh and I shivered at his touch. Why was this happening? All I wanted was to get away from school, not sneak off with some guy I didn't know.
His emerald green eyes were glued to my lips and the smoky gaze only made my cheeks warm. "No you don't my confidence has peaked even more because of your reaction," he smirked.
My hand came in full force with his face and it felt so good I almost slapped him again. "Don't ever touch me."
He grabbed my hand tightly. "Don't ever slap me."

We stared at each other for several moments. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest violently and I wondered if his was to. Suddenly our lips were locked together and he was on top of me. His hand slid up my dress and I gasped. His lips trailed down my face to my neck and a moan escaped my mouth as he nibbled on me. Every part of my body was screaming for him but my mind was constantly telling me that it was wrong. It was wrong to hook up with someone I didn't know and that it was wrong because Sam was at home hurting.
But Sam never cause my body to react like it did to Ryan.
I found it funny that we were both so keen on not having sex with each other because of how little we knew. But it happened anyway. And after getting dressed I noticed that there was only silence, the air became thick. It was awkward. It was never like that with Sam.
Sam collapsed on top of me as our labored breathing came to rest. "Oh my grace, you are amazing," I breathed heavily. Sam grinned and connected our lips. He was always so gentle. But it wasn't just with me, it was with everything.
"I think that is the first time you scratched me," he smiled happily. He furrowed his eyebrows. "It wasn't because I hurt you was it?"
"No baby," I giggled. "You are too kind to hurt me. It just means you did a very good job."
"Hmm," his smile turned mischievous and I raised an eyebrow. "How about another go? Just to be sure."

I stared at Ryan's back, it was covered in red marks from my nails. But still it looked all too perfect. I got a tight feeling in my stomach as he pulled his shirt over his head. "Robyn," he said.
I jumped at the sound of my name, "hmm?"
"It's not polite to stare," he replied. I immediately moved my eyes to the other side of the cabin and wrapped my arms around myself. I stood and walked over to the dusty chairs trying not to wince at every step I took. Ryan had been so rough, he wasn't gentle at all.
"You ready to go?"
"Huh?" I turned to look at him. He was holding the cabin door open. "Oh yeah let's go." I headed out first and bit my bottom lip to keep in the fact that my entire lower body ached. Still I heard a chuckle behind me and I glared back at Ryan.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"Why are you laughing?" I glared
"Because you're walking funny."
My eyes got big. "I hate you."
"That's not what you were saying in there," he grinned getting on top of his bike.
I groaned. "I can't get back on there."
"Why not?" he questioned mockingly. He damn well knew why!
"You hurt me! Or did you forget?"
"I hurt you? I'm pretty sure it looks like a cat clawed my back and arms crazy woman!"
"Well I can't sit on a motorcycle after you were so rough with me now!" He sighed and got off his bike. I took several steps back as he moved towards me. He knelt down and put his hand up my dress. "What the hell are you doing?!" I exclaimed slapping his hand away.
"I was going to massage-"
"Oh my god," I whined. "No!"
"Well I'm not staying here until you feel better so either get over it or allow me to help you," said Ryan. He suddenly looked exhausted as if he wasn't just making fun of me moments ago. I limped over to the bike and huffed blowing the long strands of my bangs out of my face.
"Fine," I said. "Let's just go."
He got on and I followed. As he revived the engine he looked back at me. "You know it's not my fault you aren't used to it being rough, I guess it was the sex." With that he tore off on to the road and I'm sure he heard the series of curse words I shouted all the way back to the school parking lot.