Loving a Million Times Again

"I'm sorry," I said leaning next to Helen's locker.
"Friends tell each other things," she said pulling books out of her locker.
"They also don't betray them by siding with the ex-boyfriend," I retorted.
She pushed her cropped cut hair behind her ear and turned to me. "He's a good guy Robyn, I just don't understand why you broke up with him."
"Why should I be with someone I don't love?" I asked. "If you like him so much then maybe you should go out with him."
"Why are you trying to push me away?"
I raised my eyebrows. "I'm trying to push you away because I don't love Sam anymore? Is this even about him?"
"Of course it is!"
"Then what Helen! What is it that you want to hear?"
She slammed her locker shut. "The truth! let's try that for a second shall we?"
I let out a short chuckle but nothing was really funny. "The truth is Sam and I were a couple, we liked each other and after a while I just didn't like him as much anymore. I didn't want to torture him anymore with calling off dates, and ignoring his phone calls, so I ended it."
"What was it that made him so terrible?"
"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"
"Because I want to know why!"
"The whole fucking world wants to know why Helen!" I screamed. I didn't care that people were staring at us argue. I just wanted her off my back. Why couldn't she be the supportive friend? Why did she care so much about Sam and so little about me? "God am I a terrible person because I don't love him anymore? Does that make me terrible?"
Her gray eyes watered and she shook her head. "No," she sniffed. "But that's not the reason you broke up with him is it? That makes you terrible." She brushed past me and headed off down the hall.
I glanced around to bystanders glaring at me. "The show is over, you can all go fuck yourselves now," I announced as I walked to class.

As soon as lunch started I headed straight for my new spot by the tree. It was the only peace I got. People were to in to gossiping with their friends to notice me. Ryan sat down with me and had a bag with him.
"What's that?" I asked curiously.
"Comfort food," he smiled softly. He rummaged through the bag and pulled out homemade salads and izzies.
I couldn't stop the happiness I felt. "You brought this because?"
"No girl of mine is going to sit here and starve at lunch time," he quirked. "And since you won't skip again, I'll have to bring food for you."
I ignored the fact that he referred to me as 'his girl'. "That's the first sweet thing you have done for me," I giggled. He turned up his nose and I gave him a small peck on the cheek. "Thanks."
Ryan met my eyes briefly and I don't know why, but the look made my heart speed up. "My mom made them for us, maybe you should thank her for not letting me."
"Oh not good at cooking are we?" I teased.
"Hey if you keep making fun of me, I'll have to take this back," he warned. Even though he had a scowl I could see the smile in his emerald green eyes.
"Yeah yeah whatever, just feed me already!"
We ate in comfortable silence. I read my book and Ryan laid in the grass looking at the sky like he always did. It seemed like there was too much on his mind sometimes. I could tell just by the way he would stare so sternly at everything. It was almost like he was looking through it all, not even really taking it in. I never really did read my book, I pretended to. And part of me knew he knew I was staring. I just didn't care.
After school ended I stayed after to tutor some freshman. As I rounded the corner to get to my locker I noticed that Sam had stopped Ryan in the hallway. I hid and watched them trying to catch a bit of what they were saying. Ryan's shoulders were squared like he was ready to fight and Sam's fists were clenched.
"Listen here Ryan Matthews, you may be able to fool her," Sam's voice boomed. "But you can't fool me." I heard footsteps stomping my way so I ran back the way I came and hid in an empty classroom.
Obviously they were talking about me. I hated it. I hated all of it. But there was nothing I could do to stop myself. You don't choose who you love. You can't. It just happens.

"I want to meet your mom," I said suddenly. Ryan froze next to me and I sat up so that I could look at him. "Is that a problem?"
He shook his head. "It's just weird."
"Friends should meet each others parents," I countered. "Besides I have to thank her for not allowing you to make our lunches."
Ryan laughed and it seemed to shake the entire couch. "What about your mom, can I meet her?"
"Uh I don't think that is such a good idea," I bit my bottom lip.
"Awh why not?" he purred as he nipped at my neck. I giggled and pushed him away but he just kept coming. "I'll introduce you to mine, if I meet yours."
"Ryan stop it," I laughed. He continued until he was on top of me.
He groped my thigh and I let out a small gasp. "How is it that I could find someone so perfect?" he whispered. He stared hard in to my eyes. It was that same look he had when he was looking at the sky.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Promise me something," he said.
"What?"
"Promise me you won't leave me," he whispered. He kissed me. And for some reason this one was more passionate than the others, less rough and more caring. He trailed his kisses down to my neck and placed one soft one on my collar bone. "Promise me."
"I-I promise," I replied.
He sighed and sat up, "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
The front door opened and my mama walked through with bags of groceries win her hand. "Hey Robyn could you-" she stared at me and then glances at my guest. "Why hello there!"
"Let me get those for you," Ryan grinned as he hopped off the couch to take the load out of my mama's hands.
I greeted her with a hug and she gave me an odd look. "Who is he?" she whispered. "Your boyfriends?"
"Ryan," he introduced himself. He took her hand and kissed it. "I seen that on a movie once."
My mama cackled her irritating laugh. "My oh my is he funny! Well Ryan it's nice to meet you, I'm Nelly, Robyn's mom."
"Mom? You look like you should be her sister," he commented. I rolled my eyes as my mama ate up his crap.
"Why don't you stay for dinner?" she asked. "It's not often my little girl brings home a new boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend!"
"I am a boy and I am her friend," he shrugged as I glared at him.
"Great! We are having roast tonight... join us?"
"Oh mama-"
"I'd love to," he grinned.
I huffed and gave him a stern look. "Good, baby girl set the table for three."
Dinner was awkward. At least it was for me. I had never seen a teenage boy interact with someone so crazy before. He had more to say than Sam did though. Sam was always shy around my mama, whereas Ryan just allowed any and everything to come out. He worked her so good she allowed me to take him on a tour of the house. Including my bedroom.
"One direction? Really?" said Ryan as he stared at my posters. "I hate them!"
"Harry's my favorite," I grinned.
"Ugh your taste in boys is disgusting," he commented. I frowned. "Harry called Taylor Swift a bitch because she wouldn't have sex with him. You like someone like that?"
"Oh shut up, he did not!"
"I have the tweet to prove it!"
"You have a twitter?"
He scoffed. "Everyone who's anyone has a twitter."
"If you say so," I sang.
I watched him admire all my trophies and awards for softball. "So that's why your body is so hot."
"Pardon me?"
"You heard me," he smirked. He walked over to my dresser and opened the top drawer.
"Hey! Don't go in there!"
"It's not like I haven't seen your underwear," he cooed. "I've seen much more."
I groaned. "My mama is down stairs!"
"So?"
"So what if she hears you talking like that?!"
"Oh she doesn't know?"
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Know what?"
"That you lost your v-card to Sammy wammy," he teased. I rolled my eyes.
"Stop it," I said.
"He doesn't make you scream like me does he?"
"Ryan..."
"I bet you want me every time you see me," he went on. "You are addicted. Told you it was the sex."
I chucked my pillow at him. "I don't need sex from you. Your the one who wants me."
"Baby don't lie to yourself," he purred as he joined me on the bed. I pretended not to react as he kissed my neck. "Say the word and I'll give it to you."
"Please stop," I whispered.
"Stop what?" he asked innocently pushing his fingers between my legs. "Say you want me."
I couldn't help it, I did want him. But there was no way I would say it out loud. No matter how much my face gave it away, I would never say it. I pushed his hand away and stood. "My mama is down stairs and if we did-"
"You couldn't stay quiet?"
I scoffed. "That is not what I was going to say!"
"Mmhmm," he smirked.
"I hate you," I sighed shaking my head.
"No you don't," said Ryan as he laid back on my bed. "Do you think your mom would let me spend the night?" He yawned. "I'm awfully tired."
"Uh no."
"I bet she would," he teased.
"Well I say you can't so it doesn't matter!"
"And I thought I was the unreasonable one," he murmured. "How can I drive so late when I'm so tired?"
"I'm sure you'll figure it out," I said dryly sitting at my desk. I checked my email and as soon as I turned around Ryan was fast asleep. I groaned, "You can't be serious!" I shuffled over to him and I paused. His face looked so peaceful. It was the most serene look I had ever seen on anyone. I laid next to him and put my head carefully on his chest. His lips were parted slightly and his breathing was light. The image was too good to pass up. I pulled out my phone and took a quick picture of the moment because I had a sick feeling, it wouldn't happen again.

Helen approached me as I rummaged through my locker for my calculator. I pretended I didn't see her waiting beside me. She cleared her throat and I almost laughed, but it wasn't funny. I didn't even want to talk to her anymore.
"Can we talk?" she asked.
"Is it talking you want to do or do you want to yell about how I was wrong in the decisions involving my love life?"
"I just want to talk," she replied.
"Okay talk," I said continuing to search for my stupid calculator.
She sighed, "It would be nice if I had your full attention." I rolled my eyes and gave her a stern look. "I know that whatever happened between you and Sam isn't anyone's business but yours, but we are best friends right? We used to tell each other everything and now it's like you don't even bother to inform me of something simple as a new wardrobe."
"Well I would tell you what's been going on if I wasn't so worried about you telling the entire school. Real best friends don't just mouth off things to someone else."
"But you never-"
"I shouldn't have to," I interrupted. "All things I tell you should be considered secret information and you should keep it to yourself at all times."
"I'm sorry," said Helen. "Obviously it's something that you don't want even me to know..."
"Your right I don't want you to know... I don't want anyone to know," I said. "But it isn't even my secret to tell, so even if I wanted to tell you. I couldn't. I'm very true to my word."
"I know but you usually tell me anyway," she started.
"Well this is actually a serious matter," I shot. "And it's no ones business! I shouldn't even know about it."
"Does it have to do with Sam?" she asked. My silence gave her the answer she needed. "Robyn... you may be true to your word but I can't. Sam's in the hospital and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, he only told me not to tell you."
My heart stopped. This couldn't be happening now. "W-what hospital?"
"The one your mom works at, she's been his nurse for the last two days, he's been ordered to stay overnight for some reason," she replied. She stared at me for several moments before her eyes widened. "You know why he's in there don't you?"
I looked down at the dirty school floor and it was starting to get blurry. "I don't know why this is happening... it wasn't suppose to be this way. All I wanted...I'm sorry."
"What are you talking about?" she whispered stepping closer to me.
I wiped my face and glanced around to see if anyone was watching. "Y-you know Ryan right? Well we are... I don't know friends?" I shook my head. "I couldn't even tell Sam, or look him in the face without feeling guilty." Suddenly the tears were rolling down my cheeks like a waterfall.
"Tell Sam what?"
"T-that I don't love him because I love someone else..."
"Wait you knew Ryan before this?" She gasped. "Is he THE Ryan?"
I nodded. "But we never talked... he's in most of my classes and he would write me notes, but I never wrote him back because I was with Sam."
"How-"
"A week after Sam and I broke up, I hooked up with Ryan," I whispered. "It wasn't suppose to happen but it did... and now we are friends. Sam would be so hurt if he knew and I-I just feel like I hurt him so much that I made it worse."
"Made what worse Robyn?" Helen pressed.
I shook my head. "I can't... I have to go." I closed my locker and hurried to my car. I sat in the driver seat for an hour crying until I was okay to drive. I drove to the hospital hoping that they would tell me Sam would be okay. That it was just stress.
I dodged the front desk and ran to my mama. "Where's Sam?"
"Honey why aren't you in-"

"Where is he mama?!" I screamed. "I know you know!"
She turned and walked down the hall and I followed anxiously. She pointed to a room and I hesitated before walking in. What was I going to say? What could being there do for him?
"Don't upset him," my mama said before heading off down the hall.
I walked in and smiled when he looked at me. He looked skinnier than usual. "I figured she would have at least waited until tomorrow to tell you."
"Why should she not tell me at all?" I asked.
Sam scoffed. "You broke my heart... or did you forget?"
"I'm sorry Sammy-"
"Don't call me that."
"Okay," I said. I sat in the chair by his bed and told the tears in my eyes not to come down. I didn't want him to see me cry. "How do you feel?"
"Sick," he stated simply. He said it as if I should already know it. That I shouldn't even bother asking the question.
"Where are your parents?"
"Gone," he said. "They couldn't take much more of me."
"I-"
"How's Ryan?" he asked. "I hear he's lowered the pack he smokes to one a day now instead of three. I suppose you have something to do with that."
"Not really... I haven't told him to not smoke around me."
"Well aren't we different now," he spat bitterly. "You even changed him."
"You don't even know him," I said.
"Oh but I do," he sneered. "We were in chemo together."
My heart stopped. "What?"
"You heard me," he growled. "We were in chemo together. And he left before I did... It was the day that I gave you that Promise ring."
I averted my eyes. "How could you make a promise to be there for me if you were dying?"
"I had hope that I would live because I had you," he snapped. "At least I thought I had you."
"Sammy-"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"
I jumped and the tears that were being held back were free. "You haven't changed," I sobbed. "You still yell at me as if this is my fault! As if I'm the one who diagnosed you with cancer!"
"Oh please!"
"I stopped loving you because of the way you treated me!" I spat. "I was there every day for you and you would just be so mean..."

"Your fucking useless," Sam growled throwing the food I brought for him across the room. "I can't eat cheese! Why are you stupid?"
"I-I'm sorry," I sniffed.
"Sorry?" he lifted his hand and slapped me. "I'm the one that's sorry for wasting my time with you!"
I held my face and choked on the sobs that raked up my throat. "I'm sorry."
He grabbed my hair and tugged me closer to his face. "Stop crying! Stop it!" He repeatedly hit me over and over again screaming at me. "Stop crying!" But I couldn't stop. And I guess this was the only way he could relieve his anger.

"I don't remember ever being mean to you," he growled.
"You hit me!" I shouted. "And not just once either! You hit me... and you thought it was okay because you were dying. You thought it would be forgotten? Well I didn't forget it Sam!"
"Shut up," he mumbled.
"Maybe you're being punished for what you've done."
"I said shut the hell up!!!!"
"I felt so bad for being with another guy why you were like this," I shook my head and wiped my face. "I shouldn't feel bad."
"He's going to die to!" he screamed. "He's going to die."
I stood and turned to leave but I was frozen by who was standing at the door. Ryan glared at Sam. And then his eyes moved to me. His fists were clenched and his nose was flared. He was going to die to.
"Is there something you want to share with me Ryan?" I asked. Instead he looked down at the ground and walked away.