Everything Has Changed

30 days after diagnoses

I watched him once again, walk down the pathway of our house and climbed into his car. He didn't even flinch when he looked to see me looking down on him in tears. Alex just simply looked at me, no emotion appearing on his face and backed out of the parking lot. I stared until I could not see the blue car anymore, I then sat on the window seat and stared out the window. It wasn't a shock to me that he left, I knew he wouldn't be back until morning and it wasn't a shock to me that he flinched away when I tried to hug him.

It was never like this, we used to be so happy and free. We would never stop smiling, we never fought because we knew each others limits. We had been together for four years, happily together and strong. He never made me cry before, he never made me feel lost when he was out on tour and with him it was never a dull moment. But it wasn't till my twenty-third birthday that everything stopped.

I was diagnosed with a common kind of cancer called Hodgkin Lymphona, a very treatable cancer but none the less it was still cancer. It seemed everything stopped, not just my job or my plans but my relationship with Alex. When the doctors broke it to Alex about my diagnoses, he stood there and looked at me with that same emotionless face. It's like a switch was turned off in his brain, that he couldn't love me anymore. He didn't even cry or try to be strong about, he didn't joke about anything he was just silent.

He became moody, I mean sometimes he would be happy, he would be angry and sometimes he would be so hard to read that I'd give up. He treated me like I was a fragile thing, that he'd break me if he would touch me and that's why in the middle of the night I would find myself sleeping alone while he went down to sleep on the couch.

We fought all the time now, about stupid things like bills or appointments. This morning it was about my fathers car that sat in the garage for three years because some where deep inside me was scared to drive it. He died of lung cancer when I turned nineteen, that car was his baby. But there was no way I would let it go.

I walked into the kitchen, started the kettle and noticed a pile of papers on the counter. I picked them up and started reading them. Red 1998 Mustang for sale $17,850.

That's when Alex came through the door, his dark messy hair dried and wearing a glamour kills sweater and blue jeans. I looked at him, confused and hurt. He looked right back at me with the same emotionless face he gave me everyday until I took the notice and ripped it up in pieces.

“What's wrong with you?” He asked, anger writhing in his voice and I rolled my eyes, throwing the paper in the recycling and turning to grab a mug. “Look Victoria, the piece of junk has been sitting in that garage for two years”

“Alex, you know how much that car means to me and I may not drive it but there is no way in hell you're selling it without my permission” I tried to explain calmly, I felt another head ache form and I tried to breathe it out the best I could. “It isn't your decision”

“I pay rent, my house, my garage” He had the nerve to say.

“You're really going to go the guilt trip on this, fine you know what Alex go ahead and sell the only thing left I have of my father” I yelled, this was stressing me out so much a dizzy spell came in and I held onto the counter. Alex just stood there, watching. “It's okay, I'm fine” I said sarcastically.

Alex stared at my angered face for a moment and I swear I he almost smiled a me again. The corners of him mouth flipped up for a moment, catching a glimpse at the Alex that once was but he stopped, the grabbed his jacket.

“Whatever, when you stop being a bitch call me, I'm going out” He said, slamming the door behind him.

It was raining here in Baltimore, the window was cracked a bit so I could smell the wet autumn dew and I help Alex's sweatshirt close to my body. My hair ascended up my head and tied into a messy pony tail. I was lucky enough to not have my hair fall out during the first round of chemotherapy and I was so thankful for that. I took everything like a grain of salt, I knew my conditions wasn't as harmful as others, seeing young children being poked and proaded with needles and being filled with various drugs almost everyday was heartbreaking.
I just couldn't imagine the guilt and feelings that parents feel when bringing a child into the world and having them be wasted away, it makes me sick.

I picked up the blue hard cover book and held it close to my body. John Green's The Fault in Our Stars was honestly the only thing keeping me sane during the whole thing. I've read too many times to count and it made me feel safe. The book is very sad but without giving too much away, I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason.

A crack of lightning makes me jump out of my seat and fall to the floor. Thunder rolls and I am quick to close to window. I back out from the window and fall into the bed. I felt useless in this situation and I knew I had to get out and do something.

I tore Alex's sweatshirt off my body, while walking to the closet I caught myself in the mirror and stopped. I looked dead, I was so grey and pale, I scared myself and my face looked sunken in like a zombie. No wonder Alex never wanted to touch me anymore, I looked hideous.

I placed my small feet on the cold tile of the closet, picked out some leggings and a knit sweater. I grabbed a beanie and got ready. I put on a pair of gloves, doc martins and grabbed an umbrella. I went out the door with no intention of where I was going but I watched down the wet street until I hit the main street and came across a starbucks.

I entered the store, smelling fresh coffee beans and ordered a pumpkin latte. I sat on a chair next to the window so I could still watch the store. I heard the bells of the door and then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Cass?” I asked, smiling up at my best friend and then getting up to hug her.

“God, I've missed you so much” She said into my shoulder.

“I've missed you too, how is it being bigger than All Time Low?” I asked, and she laughed.

“Pretty good, how have you been holding up?”

“Honestly, it could be better Cass” I answered honestly and took a sip of my drink.

“Where's Alex?”

“Who knows” I answered coldly.

“Woah, what have I missed?” She asked, eye brows knitted together.

“We had a fight this morning”

“About..?”

“He tried to sell my fathers car” I stated and Cassadee shook her head.

“What are you talking about? He would never do that Tor”

“I've got papers to prove it Cass, he's been acting this way since the diagnoses”

“Really? How so?”

“I think the last time he kissed me was the night before the appointment with the doctor, he acts like I'm some fragile piece of glass that he can't touch and this morning when I had a dizzy spell, he just stood there. Honestly Cass, why doesn't he just leave me?” I asked, and Cassadee shook her head.

“Because he still loves you”

“I really doubt that Cass” I was crying now, wiping tears away from my eyes.

“If he didn't he'd be gone”

“No he just feels bad Cassadee”

“Oh honey, look I'll get Rian to talk to him” She suggested.

“It's a lost cause now Cass, it really doesn't matter anymore what we had is lost and I guess it's time for me to do this alone”

“No, you're not doing this alone Tori that is unacceptable”

“I've been doing it alone for four weeks” I mumbled and she furrowed her eye brows.

“Don't tell me he hasn't” She stopped herself, as I sat silent looking at my hands and tracing my veins.

“Trust me Cass, I don't know who he is anymore”