Everything Has Changed

After reading the letter, Alex and I just kind of silently parted. I went up to the spare room, Alex was sleeping on the couch and I just stared at the ceiling once again. The scripted words of my father flashing in my mind, his approval and his acceptance of Alex made my heart long just to talk to my father once more.

I heard foot steps, I pretended to have my eyes closed but peeked to see Alex walk by the bedroom and enter the bathroom. I smiled a bit, there was a bathroom in the living room but he chose to go up here. I waited till the door closed to throw my legs around off the bed and walk carefully outside the bathroom. I slid down the wall, staring at the door and no even sure what I was doing. I didn't know where we stood, were we friends? Or were we no even that.

My mind went back to Halie's question, did I really miss him? He cheated on me, totally violated my trust and gave up on me. But he still had me coming back to him, his smile was still stuck in my mind and everything was better when he smiled. When he knew that I didn't like people spending money on me, I could feel my heart skip a beat because I never told him, he just knew.

The bathroom door opened, my eyes flashed up to mean a tired face and I didn't even smile. We just simply stared, the air in the hall was un breathable.

"Uh, sorry if I woke you"Alex's sleepy voice rang my eyes, I hummed at the sound of it and shook my head.

"No, no I, couldn't sleep" I assured, and shook my head.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?" He asked, and I shook my head. "Then why..??"

"I don't know" I said, my eyes spilling tears and my face scrunching up as my heart wrenched in pain.

The next thing I knew, Alex's arms as wrapped around me and he's pulling my head into his chest. His hand is rubbing my back, soothing me as I ruin his shirt that I assume to be the shirt I wore to be on many occasions because it kind of smelt like my perfume.

"I know, I know" He whispered, then I felt his soft lips connect with my forehead and I let out another cry because I missed it. I missed him so much it physically hurt me because the pain in my chest wouldn't stop. My throat was sore and breathing became hard but once I calmed down a bit, Alex's arms lifted me up and he proceeded to lay me on the bed. He looked so awkward, but just as he was going to leave I sat up and wiped my tears.

"Please don't go" I croaked, Alex's back to me and he stopped. He stood there motionless in the dimmed light of the night, he turned on his heel and laid next to me on the bed. It was silent for a few moments, before I spoke. "I don't even know why I cried"

Alex chuckled a bit and joined me as we stared at the ceiling.

"I think you had a lot bottled up inside, I think you just needed to stop fighting and let it all out" He explained, and I shook my head.

"Giving up makes me weak"

"No it doesn't, it makes you strong enough to know your limits" He stated and I sighed, clenching my jaw. "Hey, is it really true that boys at your school didn't think you were pretty?"

"Yeah, you were my only real long-term serious boyfriend" I stated, and scoffed."The others got up and ran a month in, you should get an award for sticking it out for four years"

"Hey, don't think I was proud or happy we broke up" Alex stated. "I was upset too"

"Upset that you didn't have the excitement of maybe getting caught with Halie" I spat and he groaned.

"For one second I thought you were going to be sincere but you're back to being bitter and angry, why are you so angry?" He yelled, and I stood up.

"You want to know why I'm angry?! I'm angry because I got totally left in a storm by you, you abandoned me when I needed you the most! I've never felt so alone, so afraid in my life because in those two months of you ignoring me, everyday I wondered if that day would be the day you would just end it with me so I didn't have to wait any longer, feel the relationship have no love or no passion.

"I'm angry because you broke every promise you made to my father about taking care of me and doing what was best for me but you did what was best for you Alex, you made me feel so worthless. I stood in the mirror every day and told myself that my everything that happened during the chemotherapy, me losing weight, my skin losing colour and my face sinking in was the reason you didn't want to touch me.

"You played with my feelings and for what? Because you felt bad for me? Alex you left without an explanation, what did I do Alex? What were you so afraid of? And Halie, that little perky machine makes me feel so insecure because she's so much better, she's everything you want that was taken away from me. What did I do wrong Alex? Can you just tell me what I did wrong!" I shouted, my anger getting the best of me and that's when Jack came in the room. He was hugging me so fast, I didn't even see him come over to me. He was trying to calm me down but nothing would, I started to hyperventilate because I was so overwhelmed.

"Breath Tori, Breathe"

"All I ever did was love you" I said.

When my breathing got back to normal, Alex's face was full of tears and he just started at me before he spoke.

"I was afraid of watching you go through that, all I had was the vision, instead of your Dad in the death bed it was you and you're on your last breath. I couldn't take visualizing you like that, everyday I tried to think of healthy you but it was over rided with the vision of you sick. It was so selfish of me, to start committing to Halie but I felt as though if I made someone else happy, I'd feel better about myself and then again, I was being selfish and ignorant. You did nothing wrong but try to put heat up a fire in which I did my best to suffocate, you tried your best to please me and meet my every need but I acted childish.

"Victoria, I may have acted and told everyone that I didn't want to be with you because you had cancer but in all truth I was just being a pussy and I couldn't get over the fact that I could watch the life being sucked out of you. I never wanted to make you feel insecure, or even think badly about yourself because you may not be perfect but you're perfectly imperfect and you're beautiful, with your collar bones showing or not, you still will be the most beautiful person in my eyes and I regret every day not crying with you in the doctors office.

"The nights you spent crying in our room, I sat outside the door and wished I could hold you, tell you I was sorry but I sat there and listened to you, I didn't know why I sat there and didn't do anything but I guess I was still afraid and maybe I was punishing myself for hurting you. I told myself if I ever hurt you that I wouldn't be able to let myself down and here I am hurting you left and right.

"And then tonight when I caught you making out with that guy, all I could think about was that it was my fault. I put you through this, then Cassadee tells me that the stress that I caused made you get worse. Then your father is coming back from his fucking grave telling me not to what I've already done, and I've ruined fucking everything" Alex finished, Jack softly let go of me and started to back out of the room.

"Now make out" He whispered, and bolted out of the room.

Alex and I looked at each other, I was wiping my eyes and he did his.