Christmas Curse

Tyler never had much cheer. In fact, he never had much cheer in anything he did but it seemed like his doom and gloom got worse whenever the snow began to fall.

The explanation was simple: Tyler always got dumped in December. Sure he had gotten dumped during other months and had even duped a few people himself but since he was fifteen come December, if he had a boyfriend, he didn’t have one during the New Year.

At twenty-eight, Tyler was growing tired of this shit.

Tyler had thought it over many times, that maybe he got dumped because he had already been preparing for it. He had tried to tell himself many times over the years that it wasn’t his fault and that this guy just wasn’t the right guy so it was for the best. He told himself it had nothing to do with him but after twelve years Tyler was starting to hate himself.

The first time this tradition happened was Christmas Eve of his sophomore year in high school. He had been going out with this boy named Jimmy. They’d only been together for a month when Jimmy’s brother caught them making out; Jimmy was terrified of his brother and so that was the end of his first “relationship.”

When he was eighteen he dated this college prick – Mike was his name. Around the five month mark Tyler started to get pissed that Mike never wanted to do anything but have sex. Sex was fine with Tyler most of the time but they had never really gone on a date and it had bothered Tyler extremely. The final straw came when he had found out the Mike never told his friends that they were going out. The following fight started out with what’s the big deal and ended in a life would be so much easier if you were a girl, you’d probably even chill-the-fuck out. That one had stung Tyler for quite some time.

And then there was Charlie. He and Tyler had been together for two years by the time Tyler’s twenty-sixth December rolled around. It was early in the month and Tyler wanted to invite Charlie home for the Holidays as the next big step in their relationship. Tyler and Charlie were getting serious and that thought frightened Tyler but Charlie had just been so great and kind that he had thought they were on the same page. Things had been going smoothly for them and while his Winter Jitters had started he tried to console himself with the fact that Charlie hadn’t broken up with him last December so why would he now?

As it turned out, Charlie wasn’t ready for that type of commitment or at least not any kind with Tyler. Some of his parting words were I just never imagined settling down with someone like you. Tyler never understood what that had meant. Was he referring to how generally boring Tyler was, how unexpressive he was with his emotions? Or maybe it was the fact that Tyler wasn’t twinkish enough for him. All of Charlie’s previous boyfriends had been more feminine, something he hadn’t really minded until they broke up. Those kinds of thoughts had always been in the back of his mind, that maybe he wasn’t girly enough or exciting enough or young enough – even when he was young. Tyler liked to read but didn’t like to talk about books, he was interested in football and hockey but didn’t like any team in particular. He worked in insurance for Christ’s sake – how much more mundane could you get?

December had always been filled with self-loathing but now it was just a little different, just a little more painful. Just a little more helpless. This December was one in which Tyler didn’t have a significant other – something that left him with both a relieved and bitter feeling. Truthfully he had done it on purpose to avoid another Christmas heartache. He hadn’t had sex in months and it took everything in him to not ask out one of the new tenants in his building that had caught his eye. His name was Jack and he just seemed so right that Tyler knew he shouldn’t go anywhere near him.

Jack had made a few casual passes at him. Nothing serious, just coffee but Tyler had turned him down half believing that it was a joke and half believing that he would screw it up before it got started. Tyler just knew that if Jack turned him down eventually that he probably wouldn’t be able to recover, not from someone as sweet and handsome as Jack. He didn’t want Jack to see how desperate and stupid he really was because he wasn’t sure he could keep telling himself that it just wasn’t meant to be before he started to tell himself maybe it’s better if you’re alone.

It was the twentieth of December and Tyler had to catch a jet to Vermont for the holidays at 4:30 am. He woke himself up at 2:00 am, took a shower, finished packing, and was dragging himself out of the apartment by 2:45. On his way down in the elevator he called a taxi company for a ride to the airport but was confused by the answer he got from the man on the other line.

“Have you even looked outside yet?”

“Um, what do you mean?”

“It’s a blizzard out there, there’s no way he can get a cab out in these conditions and I promise that your flight has already been canceled.”

“It’s snowing? But I thought that it wasn’t supposed to start until tonight!”

“You and me both, kid but we get what we get.” It was then that the elevator reached the ground floor. Tyler rushed over to the glass door only to realize that he could hardly make out anything because it was dark and everything was covered in white snow. The wind was blowing like crazy and Tyler noticed that the awning from the restaurant across the street looked in bad shape. The metal frame was rocking back and forth from the strength of the wind and looked about ready to collapse when a rouge garbage can went barreling right into, knocking the screws loose and sending it flying in the air.

Tyler doubted that there was any place worse for that mess of metal and cheap fabric to land than where it did: right on the power line for his apartment building. Fuck this, Tyler thought. He could see the rest of his vacation flash before his eyes: no heat, no electricity, no warm water, and no way to get any other food besides some left over tortilla shells and a soon-to-be-spoiled carton of milk.

As the lights went out he heard a quiet muttered “fuck” from somewhere in the corner of the room.

Feeling a little alarmed, Tyler quickly called out, “Who’s there?”

“It’s just me, Tyler.”

Though he was pretty certain he knew who this me character was he still shouted back “Me, who?”

“It’s Jack,” the voice said as it lit a lighter in front of his face and started to walk towards him. “I dropped my cigarette somewhere over here, I was just about ready to go out for a smoke.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Tyler replied, trying to keep his voice from sounding antsy. Jack just chuckled as if something funny had just been said.

“Where are you off to with such a big suitcase? Are you planning on backpacking through Europe?”

“Uh, no. I was just going to catch a flight to my hometown for the holiday but I guess now I’m not. It’s going to be a cold night.”

“I have a small battery operated heater if you ever get too cold,” Jack offered, sounding rather sincere. Tyler wasn’t sure whether to accepter of not, lately Jack hadn’t been flirting with him but still talked to him, which was good, right? That meant Jack wanted to be friends or something and that could be good for Tyler. All of his other friends were kind of flighty and unreliable but he knew that wouldn’t be so with Jack. Still, Tyler couldn’t be quite so happy about it.

“Sure, I mean – If you don’t mind or anything.”

“Great, come on then.”

Tyler lived on the seventh floor while Jack lived on the third. Jack had automatically led Tyler to the stairs with his big suitcase. He wasn’t going to say anything until he realized that it wouldn’t fit on the stairs without having to turn it sideways. Jack looked back at Tyler’s troubles and apologized, “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t even thinking about that. Do you want help?”

“Help would be great.”

As they lifted the suitcase above the railing everything was quiet and Tyler began to hate himself just a little bit more because Jesus Christ, just make conversation.

“I really hate the snow,” Tyler said as they reached the third floor. His tone made him sound much more bitter than he actually was but that tended to happen a lot.

Jack didn’t seem to know how to respond. He simply said, “I think it’s alright most of the time,” and left it at that. Try not to make it all about you, asshole, Tyler scolded himself.

As they walked through the extremely dimly lit hall, Tyler made a list of all the things he hated at that very moment to keep his mind off of all the things he wished he hated. Snow, canopies, having no power, my boss for not letting me have off one day sooner, the airline for not having any tickets left yesterday, my mother for not inviting me soon enough, my life.

Obviously Jack would go into the pile he wished he hated.

As they entered, Jack immediately started to fumble around for flashlights. He accidentally knocked a few things over before he held a small, metal one in his hand and reached to give the other to Tyler who was still standing in the outside hallway with the door open. He quickly took the flashlight from Jack’s hand and turned it on.

Jack’s apartment was much more homey than Tyler’s and Tyler had lived in his apartment for a year and a half. It made Tyler a little nervous because he didn’t realize how much of a pigsty he lived in until he looked at Jack’s apartment.

“I just have to dig it out of my closet. Have a seat, I’ll hang your jacket up when I’ve got the heater on.” Jack opened a door and started rummaging around through the closet with the light in his mouth, opening and setting aside boxes that did not contain a heater. Jack had two couches, a recliner, and a coffee table in his living room. Tyler was tempted to sit on the coffee table because the couches were just so clean that he didn’t want to get them the least bit dirty. In the end, he chose to sit on the love seat that was closest to the kitchen so he could discreetly peer in.

The kitchen looked roughly the same as his own except that Jack’s fridge had pictures and magnets on it and you could actually see the top of his kitchen table. Tyler tried not to look too closely but he did “accidentally” see a receipt tucked under a magnet on the refrigerator that said Call me- Sam with a heart and a number scribbled onto it.

History really was repeating itself this year; the difference was that it was just being a little subtler. The men Tyler dated tended to date twinks soon after the break up as if realizing that, despite being a strange timid/obnoxious mixture, Tyler was not at all cute. He could tell by the heart and the loopy handwriting that Sam was feminine, though it might have been a girl…

“Found it!” Jack shouted as he pulled a box off of the top shelf. Tyler’s gut twisted a little bit but offered Jack some help anyway. You can't help whom you like.

About twenty minutes later they were both huddled around the small heater. It gave off just enough light to see each other’s face. Much to Tyler’s dismay, this lighting seemed to enhance Jack’s square jaw and excellently shape eyebrows. He tried to focus on the orange light being giving off by the heater. However, Jack wanted to start the most uncomfortable conversation that Tyler would ever face.

“So, this is really awkward but I’m sorry about a little while ago when I kept pestering you about drinks. I was new to town and someone had mentioned that you weren’t straight – I hope I didn’t get false information. I didn’t mean to make assumptions or anything and I won’t hit on you. I promise. Or if you’re dating someone or something… Anyways, I’m sorry about that.”

Jesus Christ you’re an asshat, Tyler thought to himself for not the first time this evening. He thinks that he’s a pest. “No – I mean, you weren’t a bother and I am gay and everything, I was just busy whenever you had asked. I’m sorry.” Tyler’s thinly veiled lie was blatantly obvious to Jack who held his gaze firmly and seemed to get a little grim.

“No, it’s fine. You obviously didn’t have to go out with me or anything. Am I making you uncomfortable? Do you want to leave? Did I pressure you into this? Oh God, I’m sorry. You don’t have to stay, you can borrow my heater until the power goes on.”

Fucking fuck fuck, Tyler had no idea what to do or say without sounding like he was feeding Jack a complete line. I’m just cursed, that’s all was just a little too ambiguous that Tyler knew Jack wouldn’t get any justification out of it.

“No – I mean, definitely not. That’s not what I meant. You seem great actually, really great. I was just looking for something a little bit more friendly… or something, I guess. I’m definitely not taking your space heater and you didn’t pressure me into coming up here.”

There was this moment of silence between the two of them that was so utterly prickly that Tyler caused him to become nauseous. He wished he knew how to explain himself without sounding like a self-deprecating loser or a desperate guy with baggage so he just continued to stay quiet.

“So… you want to be friends?” Jack question uncertainly.

“Well, yeah. I thought that’s kind of what we already were, or at least friendlier. You know?”

“Yeah, I know. That sounds good. We could be friends. But just to clarify, are you dating anyone?”

“Uh, no.”

“Good to know. I’m not either by the way.”