Fifteen

The fifteenth year of my life was an eventful one, really. I learned a lot about myself. I had fun, did things I would be proud of, and things I would regret. And now, I'm here to tell you about it. So, where do I start?

Something I'm now very open about is that I am a lesbian. When I was fifteen, I wasn't so open about it. Only one person knew. Nope, that person wasn't me.

I had this friend, I'll call her Alex. So, Alex, she was perfect. Gorgeous, sweet, kind, just great. But Alex wasn't well-liked, which she totally should have been. I'd wondered why, and when I asked she said it was because she was a lesbian. I still didn't get why people didn't like her,but people are weird, you know?

Anyway, Alex and I became close. We talked a lot and spent most of our time together. Once, during the summer of my freshman year of high school, Alex spent the night at my house.

That was a good night. We stayed up late, talked, watched movies. That night was important, though. That night, you could say, is where it all began.

Alex had been acting slightly off all night. I asked what was wrong, and at first she said nothing. Then, a bit later, she finally said, "Rainey, I need to tell you something." She stumbled over her words as she said this. I asked what she needed to tell me. She looked nervous to I smiled and hugged her. After the hug, she looked at me, and she kissed me.

All my life, while I had never found labelling myself necessary, I'd just assumed I was straight. But then Alex kissed me. And, no, that kiss didn't spark fireworks, it didn't feel right, it didn't define me for life. It was awkward and nervous and ended way too soon. It was just a kiss. But it felt like a normal kiss, I wasn't disgusted; I liked it as much as I liked kissing guys. Straight people shouldn't feel like that, though.

So I knew something was odd. But I also knew that I wanted to kiss her again. So I did. And again. And Alex said something like, "I knew you weren't straight." I told her that I am, in fact. And then she looked down at my hand on her chest and we both knew a straight person wouldn't do that. But she left the subject alone for the night and let us just continue.

After that night Alex and I became a couple of sorts. I still wasn't sure what to label myself and it made me angry that I couldn't figure out what I was, and then it made me more angry that I cared about labels.

It went on for a few months, I guess. Alex and I dated, but we were more like friends that kissed sometimes. I still didn't label myself, even though I could tell that Alex wanted me to.

I'd been sort-of-dating Alex for something like five months when it came time for the school's winter formal dance. As I wasn't one for groups, dancing, school events, or even leaving my house without a good reason, I had never been to a dance. When she asked me to be her date, I initially said no. But after much convincing, I eventually agreed to go with her. The dance was about as bad as I thought it would be. Loud, obnoxious music, inappropriate dancing, and everyone was dressed up like the night was something special. At the dance, Alex decided we should talk to her friend, Monica, and Monica's date, Kyle. When she introduced us, Kyle said something about how gorgeous I was. Alex quickly assured him that I was her girlfriend, and a lesbian anyway. I said something like, "I'm not a lesbian. I'm straight, or something like that. Stop labelling me. I'm not even your girlfriend." Alex grew angry at my words and walked off, and Monica followed her, as a friend is apparently supposed to do.

I was angry at Alex for pushing me into being something when I wasn't ready and hadn't agreed. This was probably why I agreed when Kyle suggested he and I should head outside. I thought nothing of it when he lead me to his car. I mean, it was cold. But then he started kissing me. He wouldn't stop. He kept doing more and more things, he didn't care that I tried to stop him, or that I said no. He raped me and the threatened to hurt me if I told anyone.

I ran inside, crying. Alex held and comforted me, despite what had gone on earlier. When I refused to tell her why I was crying, she didn't press the matter. She just held me. I stayed at her house that night, and I ended up telling her what Kyle did. Though I refused to tell anyone else, she supported me. I also told her that I was sorry and she was right about me being a lesbian. I was afraid to admit it. It's always difficult to accept that you're different. And I told her that I would love to be her girlfriend.

So my fifteenth year was crazy, you see. Absolutely insane. But I learned so much about myself. I discovered my sexual identity, had my first relationship, lost my virginity to Alex, I was raped, and I even went to a school dance.

After the night I became official with Alex, things were a bit more calm. When I came out to my parents, they took it well. They already knew, because of the way Alex and I were together, but I still felt.the need to tell them. After dating for a year and three months, Alex and I broke up. Kyle never was punished for what he did, but I hope he feels terrible for it. During the rest of high school I became more social and made a few friends. I didn't go to anymore dances, other than senior prom, where nothing bad happened except my awful dancing. Though my fifteenth year was crazy, I love the lessons I learned. I am Rainey Martinez, and this is the story of how I discovered who I am.