The Pressure To Be Perfect

Section 1 Song: The Calm by Of Mice and Men (http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=BjiUh3JMiiY)

It wasn't the first time Kayden had been in this situation, standing alone in his bathroom with his best friend. In fact, it was far from his first experience. The first time had been awkward and strange, and he hadn't enjoyed it much at all. The second time was easier, and by the third he was comfortably addicted. His left hand was gripping the counter with white knuckles while his right hand slid across the granite.

His thoughts were like screaming static as his fingers touched something colder than the stone. Kayden slid it slowly off the counter, stepping back to lean against the wall. He clutched the blade between his thumb and forefinger, slowly tracing patterns across his stomach. When he reached his hip, he let his hand become heavy until he felt the sharp sting of broken skin. His mind became more and more quiet as he tugged the blade, sinking it further into his body as he did. One inch. One and a half inches. Two inches. He slowly pulled the steel from his body, wrapping his hand around it slightly.

Kayden slid to the floor as crimson began to seep from the wound. His head fell back against the wall, his eyes closing as he breathed out a soft sigh. The screaming in his mind was gone and a tiny smile came to his lips. He could finally hear the rain outside. With blood falling from his body to the bathroom tiles, he was calm.

Section 2 Song: Don’t Fall Asleep At The Helm by Sleeping With Sirens (http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=a9UiI7HS3Go)

By the time Kayden had picked himself off the floor and managed to get his bleeding to stop the sky had turned black. He stood at his window after retiring his blade where his parents wouldn’t find it, watching as electricity lit the sky pink every few minutes. His father had left for work less than an hour before his break down, and his mother was due home any minute. He was afraid for her to see him, he didn’t want any chance of her knowing what he had done. It was a secret, his secret, and it was two years strong.

He shuffled over to his bed, shutting his lights off as he went. He swayed slightly from his blood loss, a dizziness washing over him with each step that took him further, mentally, from the place he had just been. Kayden fell back onto his bed, sinking into the blankets and pillows he had accumulated over the years. If he let himself believe it, he could almost imagine that he was laying on the sea floor, drowning without dying. He let his eyes drift left to his clock, his face falling from bliss to sadness as he saw the flashing blue numbers.

It was twelve twenty-six, which meant that there were only seven hours until he had to be at school for his first day of Junior year; only six hours until he had to be awake. He ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes and letting out a hissed whistle. The experiences he’d had during the past summer flashed into his mind causing him to grimace. He knew his friends would start questioning him as to why he hadn’t been in contact for any of the two months of break, and he wasn’t sure how he would explain it. He thought about lying, then he contemplated telling the truth; it was bound to get out anyway. Kayden slammed his head back into his pillow, deciding the subject was too irritating for now. Everything he thought he knew and understood about life had left him, and recently he was more confused and lost than ever.

His eyes slide shut as another roll of thunder rushes through his house, invading his body while a burst of lightning rolls through the sky. His breathing slows as he begins to focus on the rushing winds shaking the trees outside his room, and he’s certain he hears them singing to him like sirens as he falls deeper into sleep.

Section 3 Song: Sleepwalking by Bring Me The Horizon (http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=1EA8g4-vEAQ)

He didn’t remember waking up the next morning, he didn’t remember getting dressed, and he didn’t remember leaving his house, but there he was walking to school, still in a sleepy trance. Kayden wasn’t looking forward to seeing the acne ridden faces of his peers; he was afraid to hear the rumors that had come from his seeming disappearance. He knew his schedule like the back of his hand from studying it for the past week, and he was sure he had class with at least one person who would ask. As he took the steps slowly through the school doors, he felt a hand connect with his shoulder.

“Ka-a-ay!” a cheery voice sang in his ear much louder than anyone should on the first day back, “Where were you all summer? I tried to call you, but you never answered.”

He was silent for a moment, shuffling his feet after halting at his locker. He bit on his bottom lip softly before looking up to meet his friend’s eyes, “Sorry, Zane, my phone broke. We didn’t get a new one till a few days ago…” he lied, casting his eyes down again.

“That’s bull shit and you know it! But I’ll let you off the hook this time if, and only if, you let me see your schedule,” his eyes bore into Kayden’s so intensely that he felt as if his own skin was beginning to smother him. He offered a weak smile as he passed his class sheet to his friend, trying to remember how to breathe. He was nervous, he never liked people looking at him, especially not when he was hiding something.

“Hey, we don-“ Zane was cut off when a rather large teen walked up, shoving Kayden into the lockers beside him.

“How was the mental hospital, fuck up?” he asked, laughing at his own joke.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Derek…” he muttered, looking away from the football player. Kayden was almost a head taller than him, but Derek had always been thicker; while Kayden was lanky and slim, Derek was short and muscular. It wasn’t hard to see who would win if the two ever fought, and Kayden didn’t want to see if his assumption was true.

“Course you do. You spent last month in that place for wack-jobs that’s behind the hospital,” he said with a scoff, not buying the lies coming from Kayden’s mouth.

“I’ll have you know he spent last month with me, dumbass. Go pick on someone your own size, Derek. You’re too short to try and mess with someone who can step on you,” the insult made Kayden smile slightly as he watched Derek’s face turn red before he turned and stomped away.

“I honestly don’t know what he was talking about, Zay…”

“I know you don’t. Why would you be at a mental hospital?” he laughed at the thought, “Anyway, as I was saying, it doesn’t look like we have any classes together…”

The rest of the day went by in a daze, but for the most part it felt like time was still as he listened to his teachers drone on about what was expected for the current year. He went from class to class, trying to make the day pass by more quickly as he avoided his friends in the halls.

He couldn’t get that morning out of his head; his secrets were burning through him and the worst part was that people knew. Kayden had tried so hard to make sure no one ever found out, but somehow they had. When he finally made it home, he ran to his room knowing that both his parents were out today due to the absence of both cars. He was sure he had been sleepwalking through the entire day, and he knew he needed to wake up.

Section 4 Song: Vices by Memphis May Fire (http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=9I8cVlZDOT4)

His door slammed behind him as he threw his backpack to his unkempt bed, rushing to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. ‘Today went fine, today went fine,’ he chanted the mantra in his mind, pushing his hands into his hair and resisting the urge to pull as hot tears formed in his eyes. This had become his daily routine each time he went out for the past year. He brought his palms down hard on the sink top angrily, watching himself in the mirror.

“Who are you?” he screamed at the person he saw in the mirror, “I’m better than you!” he pounded his fist into the granite, tears falling finally as he observed his face. He couldn’t recognize the blonde hair he saw, and the clear blue eyes were those of a stranger, “I’m better than you…” his voice cracked as he fell to his knees. He had started this self destructive path without ever meaning to, and now he was stuck. As his shaking hands clamored for his razor, he realized he had lost any and all self control he had long ago.

He wrapped his hand around the metal, the sharpened edge biting into his palm. He leaned towards his door, pulling the dimmer on his light until he could barely see the light. With fumbling hands he brought the blade to his inner thigh, splitting it open and pulling the steal across his leg, almost to the back of his thigh. He had cut at least half an inch in, and he knew it had to be over three inches wide as he heard the metal clatter in a small pool of his blood on the tile after it slipped from his hands. He watched through the shadows as blood began to rush from the wound. He pressed his hands against it; this was his worst cut yet. Each time he thought he had the blood stopped, he was wrong. He was always wrong. That was one thing that he hated about himself; one thing out of everything that he hated. He put his hands towards the ceiling.

“This isn’t me!” he cried, his voice breaking before he slumped down, bloody hands slapping against the tile, “This isn’t me…” he sobbed, “it’s not me…” he choked as he curled up, one hand placing pressure on his leg to keep the blood from coming out. Slowly, the bleeding stilled along with Kayden’s tears. The last thought to flit through his mind before he passed out was, ‘I can’t blame anyone but myself…’