Don't Worry, I'll Keep You Warm

Funerals were never really Kellin’s thing. For a boy who spent so much of his youth thinking about death, they had still creeped him out and gave him a renewed sense of hopelessness. And this one was definitely the hardest he would ever have to attend, given the circumstances.

He stood in front of his bathroom mirror, fixing his hair and wondering if it looked good enough. He was in a dress shirt and black tie, black pants to go with it. When he was done preening himself, he didn’t move. He just stared at himself and felt the tears coming again. Death just came in and took loved ones so soon, too early for it to be fair. He crumpled under the weight of his own grief and slumped over the counter, a fresh wave of sobs taking over.

When the bathroom door opened he didn’t need to look up to know who it was. “Oh, Kellin…"

"I can’t do it, Vic," Kellin whimpered. Vic wrapped his arms around him, forcing him to turn his head up and look at him. “I really can’t. I don’t want to go."

Vic shushed him, stroking his hair. “I know you don’t, but you know that she would want you there. She’d want you to face your fears."

"This is just so hard," said Kellin, resting his head on Vic’s shoulder. “She went so suddenly."

"Both of us are pretty used to sudden by now, Kellin," Vic whispered, holding him tighter. He moved his head back, looking in his eyes for just a moment before he kissed him lightly. “Come on. We have to get going. I won’t let go of you for a single second, okay?" Vic promised.

Kellin nodded and together they went outside. They walked out to Vic’s car, since Kellin obviously couldn’t drive in this sort of state. His boyfriend of six years held his hand the entire drive there, letting go only to shift the car in to park once they had reached the funeral home. People were already flocking in to the building, and all they could do was stare.

Inside, they knew, she was there, cold and in a casket. Kellin’s mother had died in such a way that made them wonder if maybe God was mocking them. She suffered a heart attack that had, of course, sent her in to a coma. But unlike her son and his boyfriend, she didn’t have the strength to lay in a hospital bed and fight for two years.

She passed away a week after the incident when the doctor’s told them that without life support, her heart was going to give out, and there was no chance of her ever waking up. Both Kellin, Vic, and Kellin’s father knew that they weren’t going to cheat death a third time. And this time, death won.

—-

The nights after the funeral were the most difficult because this was the part where it was time to move on. Kellin lay awake in bed - and Vic lay awake right beside him. They were actually in Kellin’s old house rather than their apartment so that Mr. Quinn wouldn’t have to stay in the large house alone at first.

But nights like this night, a week after the funeral, were difficult. Kellin stared at the ceiling, tears streaming out of his eyes. Vic lay on his side, wiping each of them away as they came.

"Shhh," he would whisper in Kellin’s ear. “Don’t cry, baby," he’d plead.

Kellin turned his head to face him. “I’m so lucky I have you," he said softly.

Vic shrugged and pulled him closer. “I’m pretty lucky I have you too, Kellin. I know I say it all the time, but you could have left me when I was in the hospital for all that time."

"Don’t remind me," Kellin finally cracked a little smile and winked. And Vic, just glad to see a little inkling of happiness, pressed on.

"You probably found some cute nurse or something," he joked.

Kellin shook his head, leaning his head in closer to Vic’s face and kissed him. “I was pretty attached to you during that whole time," he admitted. “I can’t imagine being with anyone else."

"That’s probably a good thing." Vic kissed him back and rubbed their noses together as he pulled the blankets up a little higher. “But for now, we need to sleep, okay?"

"Okay," said Kellin. “Just wake up in the morning alright? God knows I don’t wanna wait for two more years." A little laugh escaped his throat.

"Coma jokes aside, I love you, and goodnight," Vic murmured, pulling Kellin in and hugging him to his chest.

"I love you too, Vic. More than you know."

That was the last sentence that filled Vic’s ears every night, no matter the circumstance. Kellin always made sure of it and he loved him for it. He loved him for a lot of things, even his flaws; the mood swings, the breakdowns, everything. He wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

But now, it was time to push those thoughts aside, and close his eyes, and fall asleep - only to wake up again a few hours later with the love of his life by his side.