Don't Worry, I'll Keep You Warm

Vic stared at the nurse. His eyes trailed from her pale face to the name tag on her chest which read ‘Sarah’. She wasn’t too tall but not too short either. Regardless of her kind appearance, she didn’t look like someone that could say something so scary.

"You mean… like let him die?" said Vic.

She nodded her head sadly. “Yes. Eventually, he would expire."

Expire. The word sounded sour in his ears. “When?" he asked.

Shrugging her shoulders, the nurse flipped her hair so that it was behind her and looked over at Kellin, sleeping peacefully. He was so blissfully unaware of all of his surroundings. “I’m not sure. It would ultimately be up to his parents, but the doctors may push them to it if they feel this has gone on long enough."

"I see. Thank you for telling me," said Vic. He cast one last look at Kellin, the boy he had known only through photos, and walked passed the nurse without a word. She watched him go with eyes that had seen situations like this countless times.

Never once did he look back.

—-

Usually, the bell would ring, signaling the end of the school day. I would start my walk home with my books tucked under my arms or in the shoulder bag I carried with me. On a typical day, however, I wouldn’t just hurry out. I would wait. Sometimes I would sit in the library to pass the time until I knew all the cars were out of the parking lot and the buses had left.

I was scared. Scared of people, the things they’d say or do. But today that wasn’t the case. Today I wanted to get home early, because I had a test to study for and I really wanted to finish this drawing; and later tonight one of my favorite bands was releasing a new song that I was excited about. It was nice; having one of those days were there was something to look forward to.

I pretty much forgot about the traffic, the sheer amount of students that drove to school. As I walked, I was generally ignored. No one said anything or waved to me. Once, a girl walked passed and shot me a look of disgust, but I pretended like I didn’t see….

—-

Life and Death aren’t so different from each other. They can’t be; if they were, how could someone be dead and living at the same time? Sure, there are the scientific definitions, but that’s just that - scientific bullshit. That’s what Vic thought about on his walk home. Your heart can be beating and your lungs can suck in air and squeeze it out, but what are you without laughs and smiles and those moments where you can’t breathe?

Are you really alive if you can’t open your eyes and feel sadness, happiness, anger?

The door accidentally swung open a lot harder than he meant for it to, and it slapped against the wall. His mother walked in from the kitchen, a concerned look on her face. “What’s wrong?" she asked before he had even grabbed the doorknob to close the front door behind him.

"Nothing, didn’t mean to open it that fast," Vic admitted, turning to face her.

"Victor," she said, crossing her arms. “Where were you? What happened?"

Biting his lip, Vic didn’t know if he should tell her where he actually had been. “Uh, I had to go and visit a friend," he lied. Was it really a lie though? Was Kellin his friend - or was he just the son of the people he worked for that he had a strange obsession with?

"Which friend? Where? You’re an hour late," his mother pressed. She had a spoon in her hand, which meant dinner was probably in the process of being made. Vic pushed himself off the wall and made his way towards the kitchen in order to prevent anything from boiling over - his mother followed closely behind.

"Just David, from up the street," said Vic. “He asked if I could help with his chemistry homework really quick and I said I’d stop by after work. I told him I couldn’t stay long, of course." The lie came so easily.

"Oh, well that was nice of you."

Just like that, conversation ended. His mother was completely satisfied with his response and Vic was just happy he seemed to be getting out of this one without lying too much.

—-

The next time Vic went in to work, the atmosphere was different. In a house with so many moods depending on a spark of a monitor, the tension was unusually thick. Mr. Quinn opened the door and welcomed Vic inside with a forced smile. Inside, his wife sat on the couch, a blank expression on her face.

"Uh, hello," said Vic, getting her to look at him. She forced a very small smile in greeting.

"I’m not going to lie to you, son, right now is a very hard time for us," said the older man with a somber tone. “We’re very glad to have you, however, keeping our house straight for us."

"Pointless," Mrs. Quinn muttered.

Her husband cleared his throat and frowned. “As we’ve told you, um, we have a child up at the hospital and not that we’re looking for sympathy or anything of the sort, I just thought I’d let you know that we’re probably uh… pulling the plug on him soon." His voice grew so soft, he was nearly whispering at the end of his sentence, if only just loud enough for Vic to hear.

Vic felt his blood run cold. It almost wasn’t fair, he didn’t even get a chance to know this guy and he was being taken. Granted, he was already half dead at the beginning. “I’m so sorry," he said, his voice cracking. “I know that’s hard… uh…"

At his words, Mrs. Quinn released a long sigh. “I’m sorry, we don’t mean to pressure you or make you feel uncomfortable. Just wanted you to understand where we’re at. If you could just do general cleaning for today, I’d really like it."

"Of course," said Vic. “Anything I can do."

"You’re a kind boy, Vic," Mr. Quinn smiled. “It’s a crying shame Kellin didn’t get to meet you."

Vic nodded his head and pushed towards the kitchen, where he knew brooms and dusting materials were stored. He didn’t want to be a part of that conversation anymore.

As he started sweeping the floor, he heard his employers retreat upstairs, probably in to their bedroom. After Kellin was gone, would they finally step foot in to his bedroom like Vic had done so many times without their knowing? And when that moment did come, what would they think of their findings? Vic closed his mind and pictured the paper box. In his heart, he knew if he was a parent that discovered that in his child’s room, he’d be crushed.

He didn’t want them to find that razor.

They wouldn’t be going out tonight, though, so sneaking in to Kellin’s room probably wasn’t worth the risk. He’d have to wait until next time, figuring that they wouldn’t step foot until a little while after he was gone. Mrs. Quinn didn’t look like the type to give up hope easily which was probably they’d kept Kellin for so long. Vic just wished Kellin was half the fighter she was. He wanted so desperately to meet the talented, depressed teenager he had learned about it.. and if he was being honest, he wanted to make him smile, too.

He scooped up the dirt he’d been sweeping with a dustpan and threw it in the garbage. Next he’d do the bathrooms, which would take him upstairs. And he would look at Kellin’s room, and he would stare at the door longingly, wishing to enter it and discover more about the boy he would never get the chance to meet.

All while he cleaned he couldn’t stop thinking about the boy and the unfairness of it all. He just wanted to see him smile.

—-

I was walking kinda fast so I could get out of the thick of people, but I would always be either in front of or behind some group of kids or friends or whatever and most of them would stare or if I was lucky, they would just ignore me. That’d be nice, if they’d just ignore me rather than stare rudely or make some stupid comment.

There were cars going up and down the road by the school too. Nice cars and not so nice cars. I knew as soon as I turned sixteen my parents would be car shopping for me, hoping a vehicle might make me happy or make me smile or something. I mean, that’d be awesome. Driving to school instead of walking. I can turn up my music and block out everything else, even though knowing my luck they would egg my car during school hours.

As I walked down the sidewalk, a yell caught my attention. A car with girls hanging out the windows and one sitting out of the sun roof raced passed, shouting things to different people. One of them flipped me off. Behind them, a mustang owned by one of the juniors was going way too fast trying to catch up to them…

—-

That night, Vic found it hard to concentrate on anything. Homework, T.V., even practicing a few tunes on his guitar proved to be a difficult task. Sighing with impatience, he rested the instrument on a stand and laid back on his bed, bouncing a bit. If he turned his head, he could see out the window, where the stars were shining in the sky.

It was getting warmer in Michigan. The heat reminded him of San Diego and he felt his heart practically tug him in that direction. Nights like these, he’d get out the scrapbook his friends had given him before he went away. Those usually ended in a trip down to the alcohol cabinet in the kitchen after his parents were asleep, however.

Tonight, he sat up and opened the window, sticking his head out and breathing in some of the fresh air. There. The simple act of breathing set his mind on a track to Kellin. Did he miss the feeling of filling his air up with lungs all by himself?

Did he miss anything at all? Was he even capable of that? It lead to even deeper questions - was Kellin even alive at all? He didn’t want to think it, but part of Vic was starting to think that maybe Kellin would be better off without the life support. Finally that little soul inside of him would be set free instead of being trapped in a motionless body like it had been for two years.

Maybe Kellin wanted to die. If he was stuck being handicapped, or even asleep for the rest of his life, it was possible that he would wish for death. Who could be happy, unknowing if they were even capable of feeling happiness? The question was deep and immoral and it made Vic’s brain hurt.

He wanted Kellin to wake up. But he wanted him to be free and happy too. Suddenly, a shot of vodka didn’t sound so bad to help ease his mind before he went to sleep that night.

—-

The car was going faster than it should have been. That was pretty much my last thought. I saw the other kids with their middle fingers up. They were shouting things, but I saw everything in slow motion as it raced towards me.

I saw the light in the driver’s eyes. He turned the wheel towards me, as if he were going to run me off the road. ‘They must just be scaring me,’ I figured, trying to duck my head and turn away.

The second my eyes were facing the front again though, the screams changed. They were calling out “Nathan! Nathan, Stop!" and screaming in terror. The whole thing lasted only a few seconds. For me, time was suspended. My brain was trying to tell me “Oh shit, get out of there, this is bad!" but it couldn’t get the message out fast enough.

Next thing I knew, something crashed in to me and my body crumpled. My head smacked against the hood of the car, and I felt myself falling…

And everything got dark. So dark, and so cold…

—-

When the Quinns said goodbye, something was different. They left Vic with the usual chores. It had been a week since the last time he had worked and they wanted the dishes done this time too. The house was so unusually still.

They said they wouldn’t be home for a very long time, that they’d be at the hospital. And Vic just nodded along, understanding that they would probably want him gone when they got back, judging by their tone. He almost wanted to ask about Kellin. If maybe his condition was getting better. But that would be too hard. And he might choke up and run to the hospital himself, wanting to see that mess of dark hair before they took in away.

Would he be allowed to attend the funeral? He knew he could at least go to the wake, out of respect. Damn, this was a hard bunch of thoughts that he didn’t want to think.

The moment the door closed behind the unhappy couple, however, Vic practically floundered up the stairs and stood right in front of Kellin’s door.

"I feel like this is the last time I’ll do this," he whispered. After all this time, it felt like he was talking to the walls. But they were listening and understanding.

He made a beeline for Kellin’s desk and grabbed that neatly made paper box, not bothering to open it. He didn’t want to see the blade again. He stuck it in his pocket, unhappy with the weight there. This was technically stealing; but for once, the victim would actually benefit from it.

He was tempted to take the journal too. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that. He did, however, pick it up from its spot to read a few more entries, invading Kellin’s privacy one last time before he would probably haunt this room.

"Damn it, Kellin," Vic murmured. “I don’t know you and this is hurting me a lot more than it should."

He opened the little book, flipping open to a random page.

I don’t feel a need to vent today. It’s a good day! It’s sunny. I got a good grade on a project and I’m proud of it. I went on a walk too, cause I didn’t have too much homework. And later I want to finish up a drawing. I dunno. I’m uncharacteristically happy.

Little things keep me going. I want more days like this!

Vic’s stomach churned. It was a short entry, but it held so much information.

What sent him flying out the door, however, was the date. He had written about wanting to be happy, wanting more happy moments like the ones he had experienced that day, on May fifth. It was such a good day for him; and damn it he deserved more.

The day he had been hit by the car was May 6th.

Whatever the doctors said, or the journal said, or whoever said, it didn’t matter. Vic knew in his heart Kellin didn’t want to be set free yet.

That maybe he just needed a little extra push to open those eyes.