Fall in the Deep

This flight was eerily similar to the last time I had flown home to Anna's rescue. I was scared. I wasn't sure what I was going to find. Why haven't I heard from Charlotte? She had kept me so up to date on how Anna was doing, yet she didn't even call me to tell me that something was wrong? What if I'm making a stupid mistake? What if she's fine and just decided that she doesn't need me anymore? That might be all it is. I shook my head. She doesn't need you to save her, you narcissistic asshole. She has Charlotte and Ben. They're her family. You're just her friend.

I took another drink of the water the stewardess had brought me. Something about me "looking a little shaken up." "No shit," I'd wanted to reply. Instead, I just had given her a nod and stared straight ahead. I quietly thanked her when she dropped the bottle off with me. I'd even signed an autograph for a kid who recognized me. Other than that, I kept to myself. I stared out the window and kept hoping she was okay.

You're just her friend. You're not her brother. You're not even her cousin. You're just her friend. I kept repeating this to myself. Hoping that it would somehow mean that she was okay and I was the problem. Not how upside down her life had been for the past months. A little voice crept into the back of my head, egging me on. Her best friend, it reminded me. Didn't Charlotte tell you that you were helping her slowly get back to normal? Didn't she tell you that watching you play helped make things better?

I shook my head, trying to clear it. There couldn't be anything wrong. Maybe she'd lost her phone. Maybe she broke it. She was prone to dropping things. She always had been. Grace had never been a strength of hers. It was one of the reasons we were friends in the first place. That was it. I wasn't going home to save her. I was going home to see her. It had been too long anyway. I shouldn't have gone so long without seeing her.

I let out a sigh of relief as I watched the lights below me signal our descent into Chicago. I'd called Enterprise before my flight left Columbus. They had a car waiting for me. Fortunately, 90 was basically my fasted route. I could fly on there. I'd fly and they'd never catch me. It was supposed to take about an hour to get there. I'd see about that.

When they cleared us to exit the plane, I was halfway up the aisle with a backpack full of travel sized toiletries I'd found at the airport back in Columbus before anyone else had even moved. I passed through the door and sprinted down the runway. It briefly crossed my mind that others would think either 1) I was trying to catch a connecting flight or 2) I was about to try something sketchy. Hopefully either option would clear them out of my way.

I ran through the concourses, shoving people out of my way. I used my backpack as a navigation tool, using it to help clear my path. I was suddenly thrilled that I was so used to this airport. It made getting outside, clear of the crowds, much easier.

"Excuse you!"

"Fuck off, dude!"

"Manners these days, I'm telling you."

"What the-"

"Where's the fire, asshole?"

"Don't push me!"

I gave no apologies. I didn't even look at anyone. I just kept running, pushing people out of my way. I thought I heard the shout of a security guard as I burst through the glass doors, nearly shattering one. My car was sitting there as promised. "Hello, Mr. Boll. We're thrilled you chose Enter-"

"Where are the keys? I needed to be in Crystal Lake an hour ago." I stuck out my hand, waiting for the key. Instead, the employee looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Mr. Boll. I have paperwork for you to sign and-"

I waved him off and yanked my wallet out of my pocket. "I have to get there. It's an emergency. Do you want my credit cards? I'll give you the fucking credit cards. Whatever collateral you need. Just please give me the keys. It's seriously an emergency."

"I'm afraid I can't-"

My patience was wearing thin. What else was I supposed to do? I needed to get to Crystal Lake and this car was my ride. I couldn't wait for a cab. He wouldn't be willing to break speed limits like I was. I had to get out of here. I was wasting time.

"Please, man. This seriously might be life and death and I don't really have time to sit here and argue with you. Take what you need out of my wallet."

"Mr. Boll." I could tell this employee was ready to shove his pen into my eye. "I can't give you this car because this isn't your car. This is our shuttle and if you'll please get inside, I can have you to our location in under two minutes. I understand that you're in a rush, but if you're in that big of a hurry, we'll need to get you a faster car than this old shuttle van anyway."

I climbed into the passenger seat without another word. I watched the people around me as the driver took us to the office. I silently willed him to go faster, but he was right. It only took about two minutes. Before he could even turn off the ignition, I was out of the car and heading for the office. I heard him say "asshole" loud enough that I knew he meant for me to hear it. I couldn't fault him there. I was.

I ripped the door open and half-ran to the desk. "Jared Boll. I need something fast." I threw my ID and credit card on the desk, out of breath. My panic was catching up with me. I hadn't realized how much it had grown, but I needed to breathe. I was going to make myself sick.

The whole process took about five minutes and before I knew it, I had the keys to a Camaro. They took my request for "fast" seriously. It was as I was heading out I90 at roughly 87 miles per hour that I had a very strange realization. In my panic over whether or not my best friend was safe, I had completely overlooked the fact that I could call Charlotte. And maybe she didn't call me because she assumed the same thing I did: that the other person knew what was going on.

I grabbed my phone and held in the home button. "Siri, call Charlotte." I immediately held my phone up to my ear and waited through the ringing. Finally, on the fourth ring, Charlotte answered.

"Jared? Is that - Jared, hi. I was getting ready to call you. Have you - have you heard from Anna?" She was out of breath. From the sounds of it, she had run into the house to answer the phone. They must have been out looking for Anna. Which, if I was right, was bad.

"I haven't," I answered, trying to focus on the road. I had to hold back the bile that was threatening to make its way up my throat. I was going to be sick. So no one knew where Anna went. No one had any clue where she was. Anna had been getting better, but what if she had relapsed? What if she had done something reckless? "That's why I was calling you. I'm just about to take the exit for 31. I should be there soon. Does anyone have any idea where she went?" My mind was racing. Charlotte had said I was one of the few people who hadn't abandoned Anna while she was getting help. Where would she have gone?

"I - no. No, no one knows anything. We've been combing the neighborhood all day. We have a report in with the police. We thought...Shit, Jared. We thought maybe she'd gone to the cemetery. She liked to talk to Alex, you know? We were there for over an hour. We...we got our neighbors to help us look. We've been all over. She hasn't driven since Alex died. She's gotten better - she was doing better - but her therapist wasn't sure she was...she wasn't sure that she wouldn't try suicide if something triggered her. She advised us not to have her drive. She was getting so close, Jared. She..."

"Is the car there?" I asked anxiously. If Anna had taken the car, that was it. I didn't even want to think about it. I couldn't think about it. Anna had worked at the local doctor's office before everything started. She loved the kids. She had been the one they trusted to give them shots. She was going to heal. She was going to transfer to the hospital. She was going to get married and have kids. She was going to come watch me play when I finally got to the Stanley Cup Final. She...

"It's here. It's the only thing making us feel any better. Her bike's gone, though. We just...Jared, I don't know."

"Give me ten minutes."

I floored the Camaro and shot up 31 towards Crystal Lake. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. Trees flew past me and I had to slam my breaks every once in a while to avoid an errant cop. Finally, mercifully, I was pulling into her driveway. The door was open, the screen door leaving Charlotte's grief exposed. I could hear her crying from the driveway. I hoped I wasn't too late. I hoped those tears weren't for the reason I was afraid of. I unbuckled my seatbelt and bolted out of the car and up to the front door. I opened it without knocking, and walking into the familiar living room.

Inside, Charlotte sat on the couch, crying into Ben. He held her close and looked up as I walked closer. "Char...Char," he murmured soothingly. She sniffled and he said, "Char, Jared's here." Charlotte looked up at me, her eyes red, and started sobbing again. She stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug. She wasn't too much taller than Anna, five-seven at the most. I returned her hug.

"She didn't leave anything, Charlotte?" I asked quietly. Anna had always been sentimental. She would leave a note. She would have left a note. If they hadn't found a note, it was something to hold onto.

Charlotte shook her head. "We haven't found anything. You're welcome to go up to her room." I pulled out of her hug. Normally, I'd have sat and talked with them. But I didn't know how much time we had to find her. And, frankly, I didn't want to chance it. My feet clunked up the stairs, and I turned down the first hallway to her bedroom. The old, familiar stickers were half-peeled off the wood. She'd stuck them there when she was little. She'd told me the stories behind some of them when we were younger. The only sticker, I saw, that wasn't peeled back at all was a Columbus Blue Jackets logo. It made me smile.

I opened the door and stepped into her room. It hadn't changed much over the years. The walls were still yellow, there were still pictures on the wall. The difference was, instead of boy band posters and pictures of movie stars, there were framed pictures and different art. She'd simply aged the decor along with herself. I crossed the room and picked up a framed picture of us. I remembered that day. I'd left high school after my sophomore year. She had been upset because she was still at the middle school, so she had never gotten to go to high school with me. "You couldn't wait one year, Jare? One year? Ugh, and I thought you loved me. I did. I'd always had. Maybe not in the way that would have me propose to her, but she was like my little sister. I'd take a bullet for her.

I just wished I could take this bullet for her.

I looked around. There were all sorts of pictures of us. Pictures on the playground. Pictures of us on the rink. Pictures of us after my games. Pictures of us at Hollows Park.

She'd always loved Hollows. When her dad confronted her mom about her sneaking around and late nights, her mom up and left. She said that her boyfriend appreciated her more than Alex ever had. She said that she'd rather be free and live her life than be "stuck in this fucking piece of shit town with a good-for-nothing shit of a husband and goddamned brat." So she left. She left and Anna cut her out of her life. She hadn't spoken to her since. No notes, no Christmas presents, no birthday cards. "Whatever. She was a bitch anyway," Anna said while she sniffled into my shoulder on the dock. "If she doesn't need me, I sure as hell don't need her. I've got you and dad and my other friends and that's all I need."

We'd had a lot of fun down on that dock. It's where we'd go when we snuck out at night. It's where I told Anna that I was going to play hockey professionally. It's where, one night when we were thirteen and fifteen, we decided that it was high time we had our first kiss and, really, who better than each other? We were best friends after all.

And it was after that kiss that we knew once and for all that, yes, we loved each other and we were fiercely protective of each other, but, no, we were not meant to be together. That spark people had always talked about in movies? Yeah, that wasn't there at all.

I was looking at a picture of us sitting on the dock after her high school graduation. It was a selfie she'd taken to show off her new camera. She had her cap and gown on -- we'd run right there after the ceremony -- and we were sitting side-by-side. Her arm was around me and my arm was behind her...with my fingers giving her bunny ears over her cap.

I didn't realize how much...I'd...missed...

I jumped off her bed, which I hadn't even realize I'd sunk onto. Hollows. Had they checked Hollows? Was it even in their jurisdiction? I left her room and ran down the stairs. Before I'd even reached the bottom, I gasped, "Did they check Hollows?"

Charlotte looked at Ben and shook her head. "I don't - I don't think so. They stuck pretty close to here. I don't think they thought she'd get far."

That was all I needed to hear. I pulled the keys from the pocket and called back, "I'll call!" as I raced out the door and into the car. I didn't even latch my seatbelt. I just turned on the car and backed out of the driveway. I needed to get out of the neighborhood and to the park. I needed to know if I was right.

I drove as fast as I could to get there quickly, but also keep the police off my ass. That was the last thing I needed. I tried to keep my head clear. It was early October, so most of the tree cover was still there. She'd be pretty tough to see from the open if she was at our spot. I knew where to look, though. I knew her.

I pulled into the parking lot within a few minutes and threw the car door open. I broke into a run. Technically, the park was closed. It had been dark for hours. That's what had me worried. Not that Anna would be worried about the rules, but that I wouldn't see her. I definitely didn't want to scare her off. If she thought I was a cop, she might run.

It went against my instincts to call her name, but I did it anyway. If she wasn't at the dock, I'd resort to yelling. If cops heard me in the park, they'd come looking. I didn't need to get carted away for trespassing before I could find her. The closer I got to the dock, the fast my heart raced. I thought it was going to beat right out of my chest. I'd never understood the phrase "sheer terror" until then. I rounded a corner in the path, silently begging that I'd see her. I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't. She had to be here. She had to be.

I slowed as I started down the dock path. I could see something ahead of me, but I wasn't sure what it was. Whatever it was, it was very still and very close to the edge of the dock. I approached slowly and quietly. "Anna?" I called gently. No answer. "Anna, is that you? Anna, it's Jared." Still no movement. What was this? What was going on? What would sit so still?

The closer I got, the more she came into view. She was sitting upright, staring out over the water. She was so still, I was horrified that there was no way she was alive. I swear she didn't even breathe. I quickened my pace and crossed the last of the dock before I dropped to sit beside her. "Anna," I breathed. "Anna, please look at me. Anna, it's me. It's Jared. It's Jared. Charlotte and Ben are at home. They're looking for you, too. We've all been looking for you. I flew in from Columbus to look for you. I've been so worried, Anna. Anna," I looked her in the eye, but her eyes didn't even drift from her focus on the water. They weren't quite as dead as they had been the last time I had seen her. Not quite, but still dead in Anna standard.

"Anna," I moaned, taking her hand. "Anna, please, please look at me. Anna, it's your Jared. It's your Jared, and I'm scared, Anna. I'm worried about you. Please, look at me," I pleaded with her. "Please look at me, Anna." Still she didn't move.

She wouldn't look at me, but I could feel a pulse. Quietly, still looking out at the lake, she whispered, "He's gone, Jared. He left me." I left out a breath of relief. She was responsive. She wasn't dead. Not in that sense. She answered me. Anna was alive and I was with her and she answered me. "Why did he leave, Jared? He said he loved me. He said I was his princess. I knew Mom didn't love me, so I didn't care when she left. But why did Dad leave me? He loved me." Her voice cracked then, and I saw a single tear fall down her cheek.

I pulled her close. "Anna," I murmured. "Anna, he didn't want to leave you. He didn't leave you like your mom left you. He loves you so much. He's keeping an eye out for you. Even now, he's watching out for you." I needed to keep her talking. I didn't know how long she'd been out here, but she was cold. "I'm here for you, too, Anna. I'm always here for you. That's why I came out here. We've always texted each other all day. When I didn't hear from you, I got scared. I came to make sure you were okay."

She didn't say anything. I kept talking. "Anna, do you remember how we met? How we became friends? Because I do. I was skating. I was at the rink early skating and you were sitting up in the bleachers and you told me that I sucked. So I told you to come down and say it to my face. You said that you wouldn't because 1) you didn't want to embarrass me and 2) it wasn't very nice to hit a girl...even if she could take you. And you did that every single day for two weeks. And every day you had a new chirp for me. And the last day, I said, 'Fine, if you're so good, you come do it.' So you went upstairs and rented skates and when you came back, you stepped onto the ice and fell on your face. And then you said that you just thought I was cute."

Still, she didn't say anything. "And when we had our first kiss?" I was getting desperate. I didn't want her to slip away. "Remember? We both had awful dates to homecoming, so we left the dance and came down here? And you asked me if I'd ever kissed a girl and I said no, so I asked you if you'd ever kissed a boy and you said, 'not yet.' And so we figured, 'Well, why the hell not?' and it was awkward and hilarious and completely spark-free? I still think about that, Anna. I think about it because you're my best friend and I love you and I don't know what I'd do if you weren't around."

"I didn't...I didn't mean..." Anna started to cry. Not a hysterical cry. Not a cry where I felt like I wasn't fit to handle it. That had been how it felt after her dad had died. She'd start to cry and it was unlike any cry I'd ever seen. But this cry...this was a healthy cry. This was the cry of someone who was aware of what was going on around them and was reacting to it. I hugged her to my chest and let her cry. She cried for twenty minutes. Her sobs mixed with muffled, "I'm sorry"s and "Please forgive me" and "I'm so glad you're here." Anna was alive. Anna was alive and Anna was here and, finally, it felt like the spell that had held her captive for so many months might have finally lifted. It was the first time in months where I wasn't afraid to blink for fear that she'd be gone. I gently rubbed her back while she let it all out. The pain and loneliness that she'd had built up for months was all coming out through her tears. She was finally letting herself let go of her dad's ghost. "It's okay, baby girl," I murmured into her ear. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

When Anna had calmed down enough to breathe normally, she looked up at me. Her eyes were glassy and red and the sight took me aback. They weren't the same eyes as the ones that had looked up at me in the hospital during the aftermath. Those eyes had been dead and hopeless. These eyes were...not completely alive. They didn't dance the way they had when her dad was alive, but they didn't look like a tomb. Anna was there again. The pieces of her that were still alive and well were finally waking back up.

"Jared, I'm...I'm so, so sorry. I just...When I woke up this morning, it hit me in the chest. I knew he wasn't here. And it scared me. I felt so alone. Charlotte and Ben...they've always been so scared around me. They were afraid to say anything. They...I kept everything inside and it exploded. Does that even make sense?" she asked. I wasn't sure if that had actually been directed at me or if it had been more to herself. "I had...I had these," she confessed. Anna reached into her pocket and pulled out a bottle. I didn't have to look at what it was. Anna didn't look at me. "I...was going to take them. All of them. I was going to take them and just...end it. I wanted out. I wasn't myself. I haven't been myself. I haven't let myself be myself. I was so scared that if I let myself be happy, I was forgetting my dad. And he was all I had here, Jared." She sniffled and looked at the bottle before she scoffed. Her arm pulled back and she released, letting the bottle soar into the water with a splash. "I was stupid and selfish. And I'm so sorry, Jared. I'm so sorry."

I hugged her tight. "Please," I breathed into her hair. "Never do that to me again."

November 22nd, 2012

Anna checked herself back into the hospital after that. She said she was ready to heal. She was ready to let go of the ghost and let herself live again. She had asked me if she had been as bad as she thought. I wasn't sure how to answer. I had been terrified for her. She had scared the mother fucking hell out of me. But how do you say that to someone who was trying to heal?

So I stayed with her. I stayed in Crystal Lake for three weeks. We went for walks. We talked constantly. And little by little, the dancing started to come back to her eyes. It wasn't back to the level it was, but was coming back.

I went back to Columbus to try to finish up having a house built. I told her that she would always have a room there. She said that she'd better. Her banter was how I knew she was really doing okay.

On her birthday - yesterday - she surprised me by coming out to Columbus. I woke up to a knock on a door and a wide-eyed Anna waving on the other side. I rubbed my eyes and watched as a taxi drove away down the street. I looked back at Anna and had approximately a half a second before she hugged me with one of her signature bear hugs. "They said I could come!" she sang. I knew that she'd been released at the beginning of November. They must have wanted to give her another two weeks of observation outside of their secure walls. If they said she could travel, she had to be doing better.

"Get in here!" I kissed the top of her head and dragged her into the house to show her what I'd been working on. I took her through the house, showing her the things I was most excited about. I even showed her the room that would always be hers as long as she wanted it.

As we sat in the living room, I looked at her and saw light back in her eyes. I smiled. "So how're you feeling?"

Anna took a sip of water. "I'm healing. I guess. It hurts. I still miss him, you know? But I'm finally okay enough to be me again. I don't feel like I have to be dead for him, you know? All I know," she went on, taking a sip of water, "is that whoever they are that go on and on about 'time heals all wounds?' They're so full of shit. This hurts. And I know it's gonna hurt, yeah? But they didn't say, 'You learn to deal with it.' They said, 'It heals.' They made it sound like it was all gonna go away."

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Fuck 'em."