Running From Lions

The energy from being onstage was still humming in their bones making them feel warm and like anything was possible. They were invincible. The reaction from the crowd had been phenomenal; especially when they played a new song live for the first time and at least half of them new all the words. That was crazy, something they’d only dreamed of, and the best feeling in the world. They didn’t bother sticking around too long after, mainly because they had to be basically a state over by the next afternoon and they wanted to have at least some time to move around before sitting in a van for too many hours cramped up their limbs again.

The adrenaline of the unexpectedly great show had overpowered any kind of anxieties Alex had while on stage, although however awesome the crowd singing the lyrics back to him had felt, it had also made him feel a nagging tug of fear in his brain, and it kind of petrified him now he stopped to think more about what people singing along the first time they play a song live might mean.

Frozen on the sidewalk the sound of excited voices was like static covering all around him; confusing and hard to make sense of. He vaguely heard someone shout of going down the road to find a place to go for a couple of hours but didn’t even make the effort to react or nod his head, knowing it would just make him feel more paralysed. The excited voices drifted away from him shouting things back and forth and becoming more and more distant. As soon as the thought entered his mind he felt guilty because he didn’t want to hold them down, but at the same time he felt annoyed at his friends for leaving him to have fun and so blatantly ignoring him. He tried to take a deep breath but his chest felt constricted as he realised thinking about his breathing was just making it more difficult to breathe, despite what the therapist had said. Normally in this situation he would stay trapped and frozen until another person tried to help him, but they’d all gone and he didn’t want to feel trapped until they got back, but what could he do?

Before he had time to dwell on that thought for any longer, he noticed someone else stood beside trying to lean in to the gap between his chest and hands stuck holding himself away from the door of the van.

“’Lex?” he heard the boy next to him say softly. He wanted so badly to turn around and hug his best friend, but all he could manage while his stupid brain was paralysed in fear was a small whimper.

Since the day they met Jack knew about Alex’s anxiety attacks, pretty much because the day Alex joined the school and Jack was given the job of showing him around, some assholes had thought it was a good idea to start a fight with the new kid even though he hadn’t even officially started yet. Jack obtained a bloody nose that day and also the knowledge that Alex would freeze up when confronted with something that he didn’t know how to deal with. It wasn’t like it happened very often, but in six years of being best friends it had happened enough that he knew what to do.

Carefully he took Alex’s arms in both his hands and pulled them away from the car placing them by his sides, none of the tension was yet relieved from them, but at least he knew it would be soon. No longer being blocked by Alex’s arms, he moved in to the space between Alex and the car and wrapped his arms around his back in a way he knew felt comforting to the other boy, careful to avoid looking in his wide, staring eyes as he did so. The look in Alex’s eyes was always too distant and too scared to look at for Jack. He had always found the glazed over look painful to look at though he knew that it was only temporary. Alex had never been the kind of guy to deserve these anxieties, and it angered him that he had to deal with them, and also kind of scared him when he didn’t know how Alex was feeling or what his mind was doing to him when his eyes glazed over like that. Rubbing his arms tightly up and down Alex’s back he felt the boy start to lose the tension in his muscles, hearing stuttering breaths being released and taken in next to his ear.

He always used to worry that he didn’t know what to say to Alex when he had these anxiety attacks, but once he confided that to Alex, Alex had said that he barely noticed what was being said to him anyway, and a weight was lifted of Jack’s shoulders as he realised he could stop saying the stupid, overused, stereotypical things about how “everything’s going to be okay” in a slightly different way every time. What he was saying was true, but it didn’t sound it. Just telling him he was okay seemed to be more appropriate, so that’s what he did, keeping up a mantra of “you’re okay, you’re okay” as he held on tightly to his best friend, waiting for him to come back from wherever the worst confines of his mind had shackled him.

After a few more minutes Alex became completely floppy in Jack’s arms and he knew when Alex loudly inhaled and made a slight choked noise that he was back in the present, back where he could think more coherently and the paralyzing terror had gone giving way to an overwhelming tide of emotions that Alex struggled to keep trapped within his eyelids. Jack was always reluctant to let Alex out from his probably overprotective arms, but after five minutes of leaning against the car with his head on Jack’s chest, Alex pulled away and Jack let him.

“Sorry,” Alex mumbled, eyes down cast towards the floor.

“Don’t be,” Jack replied.

There were another few seconds of silence while Alex looked around in thought, deliberately avoiding Jack’s caring eyes.

He heard the sound of the car door opening, and let Jack take a hold of his arm and move him over to the van where he climbed in, feet stumbling over various items on the floor, still shaking with anxieties. He heard the car door close shut and Jack move over to sit himself pressed against Alex’s side who replied by curling himself against the warm body and laying his head on Jack’s shoulder.

“What’s up Lex?” he said, his soft tone transparent to the caring emotions showing through. He knew that sometimes talking about it helped Alex, and sometimes it didn’t, but he usually did, and after such an awesome show, Jack was curious. It had been amazing, the crowd had been singing their lyrics back the first time they ever played it live, it had been a ridiculously awesome feeling knowing they were followed by so many people that they hadn’t before been properly aware of. And then it dawned on him. Although the rest of the band and crew thought it was awesome, it was also kind of nerve wracking, and to Alex, it was probably petrifying.

The silence continued as Jack tried to think up a helpful reaction to this, but came up blank. The only response he could give was about how fantastic it was and how amazing they were going to be, but that didn’t help Alex at all. He glanced over at the other guy, the silence starting to feel heavy as Alex had still only said one word since the others had left.

“T-this is…” Alex tried to say before he paused. The stuttering making him more frustrated at himself than he already was. “Ridiculous” he finished lamely, finally letting some of the tears that had been threatening to leave his eyes for the last few minutes fall on to Jack’s shirt. He mainly smelt of sweat but underneath he could still sense the comforting smell that could only be Jack, and wherever they were in the world, that smell resonated with a feeling of safety and belonging; a feeling of home.

“Yeah, I know,” he agreed, knowing there was no sense in comforting the guy with lies, “but it’s going to be ridiculously awesome too.”