Goodbye We're Falling Fast

It all happened so fast. One day we were us, then the next we were nothing. I still can’t even really comprehend what happened. Was I not good enough? Pretty enough? Slutty enough? Did I not entrance him with my personality?

We weren’t together for very long, but it felt like forever. The first time we hung out was awkward to say the least. He picked me up at my youth group and we were going to go back to my house so he could meet my mother, but it didn’t turn out that way. When we got to my house, no one was there so I had to call them to see where they were. I figured out that there at the mall, so we headed there.

On the way there, we almost got into a wreck because of someone on the freeway, and I told him he wasn’t allowed to kill me. He complied and we finally got to the mall unharmed.

We met my parents in front of the food court, and they liked him from the start. We decided that we were going to walk around and browse through the stores. Once we got bored with that, we went across the street to Barnes and Noble.

I had never pegged him for a book lover, but when we got there, he looked like this was his favorite place to be. I thought it was so cute, the way he looked through all the books he could, and found his favorite—classic stories. We made our way to the children’s section where I found books for my nephew. We sat at the chairs and we talked about things I wouldn’t necessarily talk about with some random stranger.

He wasn’t a stranger though. We went to school together all four years of high school. We had our geometry class together—sat together—and saw him numerous times in the hallways. We had our fair share of conversations about random things, and in that class, we exchanged journals—personal journals.

I knew him, yet I didn’t. The label he had at school wasn’t the best. He was the one who gets with every girl he can to only have one thing: sex.

I should have factored that into everything. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough in that aspect?

Our relationship wasn’t the easiest at school. I had broken up with my significant other because on that first day, he kissed me and I kissed him back. I couldn’t be with someone when I had feelings for another, you know?

So we got together, me and him. Hung out whenever we could: my house, his house, various shops and concerts. I met his mother, his sister, his brother. His friends all hated me, but I didn’t care since he was amazing to me.

One night while we were trying to decide on going ice skating or not, he asked me a question with the connotation of it being a simple thing: “Would you marry me?”

I said no before I could think twice about it. I hadn’t been with him for long enough to even think about marrying him. He played it off, but I think he was being serious. I couldn’t even think of marriage. I was only seventeen. What did I know about marriage?

We went on as we were, through Christmas. I invited him over to my aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas Eve where he proceeded to be the amazing person I thought he was. After so long of being in relationships with women, this was a change for me. He was different than I ever thought he would be. He was sweet, kind, caring, charming, and funny. He was incredibly good looking and I thought maybe we could actually stay together.

I gave him my virginity in the passenger seat of his truck and continued to have sex with him every chance I got. I didn’t think twice about it. I became the person I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to lose my virginity in a car, or anywhere trashy, but I did. The trashiest place I could.

New Year’s Eve came and I had to work until 10:00pm that night. I texted him as I got my break, and told him that once I got off of work I would call him and we could go out and have fun and bring in the new year together.

I got off of work and texted him once I had gotten ready, with no response. I waited all night for him, but nothing happened. I texted him the next day, and he told me that New Year’s wasn’t his favorite holiday because of memories and apologized for being rude the previous night. I forgave him and I thought we went back together.

It didn’t go back together. He broke up with me soon after that. Through a text message. A simple text message. I couldn’t believe it.

It all happened so fast. One day we were us, then the next we were nothing.

I had to spend the rest of the school year seeing him; watching him watch me; crying every time I saw him; feeling like shit because I had given everything up to him. All while I was alone. With no one to comfort me because everyone abandoned me.

In the blink of an eye, I went from happy and smiling, to depressed and crying constantly. How could one thing mess you up so entirely that it makes you not want to truly live anymore? I felt like the life force was taken out of me. I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore.

In that moment, I wasn’t infinite. I was a shadow among the living. A fly on the wall. I was broken; torn down; a single wall amongst the ashes.

I never wanted to be that girl that never gets over one of her ex’s. But I am. I can’t get over him no matter how hard I try.

It all happened so fast.

Now I’m not sure up form down and left from right.

My name is Alex, and I am the stereotypical girl.