I'm Falling Head Over Heals

Hun, I don’t know what to tell you anymore. I’ve given you all the help I could possibly muster, and you just keep running around in circles. I’ve been there for you every step of the way, trying to help you recover from all this. But you went and did something stupid, something self-destructive. You might as well have gone up to him and said, “Here’s a knife, I’m going to plunge it through my chest now.”

Okay, maybe that was harsh. I’m sorry. I’ve just been frustrated lately because you’ve just been thinking about doing all these great things for yourself and you always wuss out at the eleventh hour. Then when you finally decide to do something, you didn’t think about what you were saying. You’re my friend, and I only want you to be happy.

I’ve been talking to you every night. And the more we talk, the more I want to say, “Snap out of it! You’ll find someone right for you, but it’s not him. Please just move on and be happy with who you are! Cause you’re a beautiful person!” But I’ve held myself back every time and listened to what you had to say, cause that’s what friends do.

So I guess I’m …disappointed. At myself for not being able to get you out of this mess, at you for getting yourself into it and saying those things that you did, and at myself again for not knowing what to do. And it’s the worst I’ve ever felt. Just know that I love you, and will always be there for you, okay? Cause I think I’ve found my purpose in life and that’s helping those who can’t help themselves. And I get a good feeling when I help other people. I don’t want to help myself cause I already feel lucky with the friends I have.

And you! Standing over there smirking, thinking that girls are the mushiest people in the world. It may be somewhat true, but let me tell you something: just cause you’ve got problems doesn’t mean that you take them out on someone else. I don’t care if that speech you just gave was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, never ever take your problems out on someone you don’t trust without thinking about the consequences first.

You guys are both my friends, and it sucks that you both decided to take your anger and emotions out on one another. But, we are just teenagers. We’re not supposed to know how to make good decisions, we’re just expected to by adults. And we all make some…really bad decisions.

Oh God, this is coming back to bite me, isn’t it? No, no, I’m supposed to be the strong one, the one who never gives up or lets her guard down. What? You think it’s okay for me to be vulnerable? You wanna know my problems? About how I’ve separated myself from my family cause I’m too busy with my friends? About how whenever I’m alone in the house, I raid my dad’s liquor cabinet to see if I can find something to calm me down after talking to you, but can never bring myself to open a bottle? About how I lose my sense of who I am sometimes cause I’m so wrapped up in other people’s problems? And about how I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life?

See, you’re not the only one with problems.