Big Girl Panties
bittersweet
During warm-ups, Trixie let out a steady sigh of a relief as she had about exactly 30 seconds to rest her feet. The arena erupted with cheers and whistles as the guys took the ice to stretch and skate around before the puck drop of game 5. They were up 3-1 in the series, which made the night a surreal one for Trixie. If Captain Jonathan Toews lead his team to another victory, they could secure their spot in the second round tonight, thus officially ending Trixie's career for the next 16 months.
"How are you holding up, Trixie?" Jay Blunk asked.
Trixie laced her fingers before resting her hands on her belly.
"Hanging in there." She smiled.
She wasn't going to lie, now that she was well over halfway into her pregnancy and nearing her third trimester, she was ready to give birth. Time off was exactly what she needed; no more traveling, no more pushing her body to the limits and finally getting on a regular sleep schedule. Now the only thing Trixie had to look forward to was pedicures with Dayna and Julie and lunches with Abby and Madelyn in an attempt to kick start her motherly instincts. Trixie knew the idea of motherhood was growing on her and it was obvious the second she held baby Colton in her arms.
Deciding it was her duty to head out and stand behind the bench in case her assistance was needed, Trixie held out her hands for Clint to help pull her up. As she walked out of the tunnel, Trixie could feel the electricity and excitement in the air. It brought her back the first playoff game in which she stood behind the bench. It had been a stressful—the experience of it was all new—yet overly fun time, being on the road and really bonding as team. It was then Trixie knew there was no other city than Chicago she would ever live or work.
“Trixie!” Duncan Keith called out, grabbing her attention. She was happy she snapped back to reality when she did as he tossed his helmet to her. “My visor keeps coming loose.”
Holding the helmet, Trixie looked out on the ice and smiled when her eye caught the red ’13’ jersey. Dan skated around, stretching his legs and very so often shot a puck which Crawford would stop. When he saw her, he winked and stopped at the bench to stretch out his hamstrings and hips.
Back in the locker room, Trixie realized the screws holding Duncan’s visor had been stripped and by the time she found a new visor to replace the old one, warm ups were over and the guys came rushing back in. They were silent as they removed their helmets, some of the guys adjusted the laces on their skates and Clint got to work on the blades that needed to be re-sharpened.
After she finished with Keith’s helmet, Trixie headed in to the locker room to give it back to the waiting defenseman. Dan was sitting at his cubby taping up another stick and she took a seat next to him.
“Are you nervous?” Trixie asked.
Dan looked to him and let out a deep breath. It was his first playoff game with the Indian Head on his chest. “A little. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s no different than a regular season game, but, it’s not.”
She could see the nervousness in his eyes, something she hadn’t seen since their trip to the ER. Placing a hand on his to stop him taping, Trixie took the stick from him as he kept messing it up. Unwrapping the almost shitty tape job, she started over, taping the blade and handle in almost record time and it was beautiful. Trixie laced her hand with his and rubbed his thumb with her own.
“You’re going to be amazing tonight. I have a good feeling.” Subconsciously she knew tonight would be the end of the first round as all the guys were determined not to have a repeat of the last two years.
Coach Q came in the locker room with his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. He looked calm with a serious look upon his face as he searched for the right words to say. Not a game went by where he didn’t give the guys a few words of encouragement before puck drop. After he finished, Jonathan spoke up, wishing his teammates good luck. Patrick looked up from the spot he had been staring at on the carpet.
“Let’s win it for Trixie.” He said aloud.
He had noticed how uncomfortable she was getting sitting there. She pressed down with the heel of her hand just under her ribcage.
“So our girl can finally stop worrying about taking care of us and worry about giving us another healthy boy.”
Trixie shook her head, she wanted them to win the game for themselves and the fans; not her.
Bittersweet. That was the only feeling other than pure joy Trixie could feel as she watched the clock on the jumbotron count down. They had won; allowing the Wild no mercy by a score of 5 goals to 1. What Trixie didn’t know as she threw her hands up in the air and hugged her fellow colleagues out of congratulations, was that this was the last time she would ever stand behind the Blackhawks bench and hear goal horn as an equipment manager. Cupping her hands over her mouth, Trixie tried her best to keep her hormones in check as she watched the guys salute the fans from center ice.
While the festivities for the rest of team were just beginning, Trixie’s had officially ended. As she headed down the tunnel with Clint and Troy, she smiled as she felt Troy grab her shoulders from behind and squeeze. Everyone had known this wasn’t an easy decision for her make but it had to be done and it was logical. If they did make it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals, there was no way Trixie could handle being almost seven months pregnant managing maybe five hours of sleep a night and lugging twenty, thirty pound hockey bags all over the country.
It was finally her time. Her time to focus on herself, her new home and being the wife she knew Dan deserved.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Troy asked as she started setting up the locker room in preparation for the mass crowed of media members who were already waiting outside.
“I’m—.”
Clint grabbed the blade guards from Trixie’s hands. “You’re officially done. We’ve got it from here. Go clean out your locker.”
While she wasn’t ready to call it quits yet, Trixie placed her hands on her hips and decided the best thing to do was to follow what Clint said. Grabbing a small bag from the equipment room, Trixie made her way to her locker and used her thumb to key in the numbers on her combination lock. Tossing the lock into her bag, Trixie opened the locker to be met with a collage of pictures decorating the inside.
She smiled and laughed to herself as she reminisced of the memories the photos brought back to her. Most of them had been taken during the off season, bar hopping with Kane, concerts with Toews and Shaw. Trixie kept reassuring herself that her life was totally over. She could still go out with Kane and attend concerts with Jonathan and Andrew and she had no doubt the next year and a half would go by in almost the blink of an eye.
Taking down the pictures, she carefully put them into the back pocket of her jeans before tossing the rest of her mundane belongings in the bag. Closing it with her foot, Trixie zipped the bag and tossed the strap over her shoulder before working on pulling the piece of masking tape with O’Callahan written with Sharpie marker in her perfect cursive handwriting.
Balling it up, Trixie tossed it in the garbage as she began to leave. When she reached the doorway, Trixie turned around and placed a hand on her belly. She blinked back her tears and already decided that the first picture she’d hang in her locker in 2015 would be that of Dan and her son. Tapping the Indian Head on the wall, Trixie readjusted the strap on her shoulder and headed down to meet Dan in the locker room.
By the time Trixie made it back down to the locker room, she was pleased to find the reporters were gone and found Dan sitting at his cubby packing away his body wash and deodorant. Most of the guys were still in the locker room having just finished showering and were in the process of redressing in their suits. Dan was in his pants and an undershirt not having put on his button down. Trixie sat on Dan’s lap, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his. She loved the smell of his Old Spice shampoo.
Dan placed a hand on the small of her back. “You doing okay?”
Trixie lifted her head and looked around. “I’m really going to miss this place. For so long this is all known.”
Grabbing Dan’s face in her hands, Trixie kissed his lips several times. “But, I’m so proud of you for playing your absolute best tonight and I can’t wait to sit in the stands with your jersey on and for once sit back and enjoy a Blackhawks game.”
‘Stand up.” Dan instructed, giving her thigh a squeeze.
Standing to her feet, Trixie adjusted her zip up sweatshirt as Dan dug around on the top shelf of his cubby. He knew there was no perfect moment than now to surprise his wife and he knew it would cheer her up as she had been on his ass for almost two weeks about it now. When he found what he was looking for, Dan held up the two robin’s egg colored boxes.
“No way!” Trixie cried out, grabbing the attention of the rest of the men in the locker room. Hossa—who occupied the cubby beside Dan—smiled at the couple.
Opening the box containing the engagement ring and wedding band Dan had promised Trixie, he grabbed her left hand and slipped the ring on her third finger. It fit was snug, and it took a little force for Dan to get it over the knuckle. Before Trixie had a chance to admire her classic Tiffany set engagement ring and wedding band, Dan handed her the band he would wear. Trixie took his hand and slipped it on his finger with a little more ease.
Cupping her face, Dan pulled her close and captured her lower lip between his. The rest of the guys clapped, and Kane was busy snapping a photo for his Twitter followers. While none of the guys would necessarily come out and say it, they were slightly disappointed by the fact they hadn’t had a big wedding or waiting almost week until after tying the knot to tell everyone they had done it.
“Trixie,” Jonathan called. “Over the last six years you’ve become one of my closest friends and it’s going to be weird not having you around here for a while. You’re the best at what you do here for us and I have no doubt you’ll be just as good at motherhood. I think I not only speak for myself, but for the rest of the team, when I say we’ll miss having you here with us in the locker room.”
“I’m really going to miss being here, too.” Trixie crossed the locker room to give Jonathan a big hug as his unexpected mini-speech was rather touching. “Go easy on the new guy.”
“We got you something for you to remember us by.” Kane smiled and joked. He handed her a gift bag and Trixie took a seat on the bench beside Dan.
Digging through the tissue paper, Trixie pulled out three red Blackhawks sweaters. The smallest one on top, Trixie knew exactly what it was. An infant sized jersey with the number 13 and Carcillo stitched on the back. The second jersey, Trixie found, was also her very own Carcillo jersey (she had legally changed her last name before the playoffs started). Finally, the third and final jersey was one of sentimental value; she would never wear it and it would be framed and hung beside the Pittsburgh Penguins jersey Dan wore in 2003 when he was drafted.
There was no way Trixie could hold the tears as she turned the sweater around. O’Callahan was stitched into the nylon along with 06, commemorating the year she was hired. “Thank you. Thank you, so much.”
Setting her jerseys on the bench, Trixie stood up and made her rounds in giving hugs. Dan finished getting dressed and tossed Trixie’s bag strap over his shoulder. Grabbing the bag with her jerseys, Trixie laced her fingers with Dan’s and he kissed her cheek as they left the United Center for the one place she couldn’t wait to be. Home.
"How are you holding up, Trixie?" Jay Blunk asked.
Trixie laced her fingers before resting her hands on her belly.
"Hanging in there." She smiled.
She wasn't going to lie, now that she was well over halfway into her pregnancy and nearing her third trimester, she was ready to give birth. Time off was exactly what she needed; no more traveling, no more pushing her body to the limits and finally getting on a regular sleep schedule. Now the only thing Trixie had to look forward to was pedicures with Dayna and Julie and lunches with Abby and Madelyn in an attempt to kick start her motherly instincts. Trixie knew the idea of motherhood was growing on her and it was obvious the second she held baby Colton in her arms.
Deciding it was her duty to head out and stand behind the bench in case her assistance was needed, Trixie held out her hands for Clint to help pull her up. As she walked out of the tunnel, Trixie could feel the electricity and excitement in the air. It brought her back the first playoff game in which she stood behind the bench. It had been a stressful—the experience of it was all new—yet overly fun time, being on the road and really bonding as team. It was then Trixie knew there was no other city than Chicago she would ever live or work.
“Trixie!” Duncan Keith called out, grabbing her attention. She was happy she snapped back to reality when she did as he tossed his helmet to her. “My visor keeps coming loose.”
Holding the helmet, Trixie looked out on the ice and smiled when her eye caught the red ’13’ jersey. Dan skated around, stretching his legs and very so often shot a puck which Crawford would stop. When he saw her, he winked and stopped at the bench to stretch out his hamstrings and hips.
Back in the locker room, Trixie realized the screws holding Duncan’s visor had been stripped and by the time she found a new visor to replace the old one, warm ups were over and the guys came rushing back in. They were silent as they removed their helmets, some of the guys adjusted the laces on their skates and Clint got to work on the blades that needed to be re-sharpened.
After she finished with Keith’s helmet, Trixie headed in to the locker room to give it back to the waiting defenseman. Dan was sitting at his cubby taping up another stick and she took a seat next to him.
“Are you nervous?” Trixie asked.
Dan looked to him and let out a deep breath. It was his first playoff game with the Indian Head on his chest. “A little. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s no different than a regular season game, but, it’s not.”
She could see the nervousness in his eyes, something she hadn’t seen since their trip to the ER. Placing a hand on his to stop him taping, Trixie took the stick from him as he kept messing it up. Unwrapping the almost shitty tape job, she started over, taping the blade and handle in almost record time and it was beautiful. Trixie laced her hand with his and rubbed his thumb with her own.
“You’re going to be amazing tonight. I have a good feeling.” Subconsciously she knew tonight would be the end of the first round as all the guys were determined not to have a repeat of the last two years.
Coach Q came in the locker room with his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. He looked calm with a serious look upon his face as he searched for the right words to say. Not a game went by where he didn’t give the guys a few words of encouragement before puck drop. After he finished, Jonathan spoke up, wishing his teammates good luck. Patrick looked up from the spot he had been staring at on the carpet.
“Let’s win it for Trixie.” He said aloud.
He had noticed how uncomfortable she was getting sitting there. She pressed down with the heel of her hand just under her ribcage.
“So our girl can finally stop worrying about taking care of us and worry about giving us another healthy boy.”
Trixie shook her head, she wanted them to win the game for themselves and the fans; not her.
♥
Bittersweet. That was the only feeling other than pure joy Trixie could feel as she watched the clock on the jumbotron count down. They had won; allowing the Wild no mercy by a score of 5 goals to 1. What Trixie didn’t know as she threw her hands up in the air and hugged her fellow colleagues out of congratulations, was that this was the last time she would ever stand behind the Blackhawks bench and hear goal horn as an equipment manager. Cupping her hands over her mouth, Trixie tried her best to keep her hormones in check as she watched the guys salute the fans from center ice.
While the festivities for the rest of team were just beginning, Trixie’s had officially ended. As she headed down the tunnel with Clint and Troy, she smiled as she felt Troy grab her shoulders from behind and squeeze. Everyone had known this wasn’t an easy decision for her make but it had to be done and it was logical. If they did make it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals, there was no way Trixie could handle being almost seven months pregnant managing maybe five hours of sleep a night and lugging twenty, thirty pound hockey bags all over the country.
It was finally her time. Her time to focus on herself, her new home and being the wife she knew Dan deserved.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Troy asked as she started setting up the locker room in preparation for the mass crowed of media members who were already waiting outside.
“I’m—.”
Clint grabbed the blade guards from Trixie’s hands. “You’re officially done. We’ve got it from here. Go clean out your locker.”
While she wasn’t ready to call it quits yet, Trixie placed her hands on her hips and decided the best thing to do was to follow what Clint said. Grabbing a small bag from the equipment room, Trixie made her way to her locker and used her thumb to key in the numbers on her combination lock. Tossing the lock into her bag, Trixie opened the locker to be met with a collage of pictures decorating the inside.
She smiled and laughed to herself as she reminisced of the memories the photos brought back to her. Most of them had been taken during the off season, bar hopping with Kane, concerts with Toews and Shaw. Trixie kept reassuring herself that her life was totally over. She could still go out with Kane and attend concerts with Jonathan and Andrew and she had no doubt the next year and a half would go by in almost the blink of an eye.
Taking down the pictures, she carefully put them into the back pocket of her jeans before tossing the rest of her mundane belongings in the bag. Closing it with her foot, Trixie zipped the bag and tossed the strap over her shoulder before working on pulling the piece of masking tape with O’Callahan written with Sharpie marker in her perfect cursive handwriting.
Balling it up, Trixie tossed it in the garbage as she began to leave. When she reached the doorway, Trixie turned around and placed a hand on her belly. She blinked back her tears and already decided that the first picture she’d hang in her locker in 2015 would be that of Dan and her son. Tapping the Indian Head on the wall, Trixie readjusted the strap on her shoulder and headed down to meet Dan in the locker room.
By the time Trixie made it back down to the locker room, she was pleased to find the reporters were gone and found Dan sitting at his cubby packing away his body wash and deodorant. Most of the guys were still in the locker room having just finished showering and were in the process of redressing in their suits. Dan was in his pants and an undershirt not having put on his button down. Trixie sat on Dan’s lap, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his. She loved the smell of his Old Spice shampoo.
Dan placed a hand on the small of her back. “You doing okay?”
Trixie lifted her head and looked around. “I’m really going to miss this place. For so long this is all known.”
Grabbing Dan’s face in her hands, Trixie kissed his lips several times. “But, I’m so proud of you for playing your absolute best tonight and I can’t wait to sit in the stands with your jersey on and for once sit back and enjoy a Blackhawks game.”
‘Stand up.” Dan instructed, giving her thigh a squeeze.
Standing to her feet, Trixie adjusted her zip up sweatshirt as Dan dug around on the top shelf of his cubby. He knew there was no perfect moment than now to surprise his wife and he knew it would cheer her up as she had been on his ass for almost two weeks about it now. When he found what he was looking for, Dan held up the two robin’s egg colored boxes.
“No way!” Trixie cried out, grabbing the attention of the rest of the men in the locker room. Hossa—who occupied the cubby beside Dan—smiled at the couple.
Opening the box containing the engagement ring and wedding band Dan had promised Trixie, he grabbed her left hand and slipped the ring on her third finger. It fit was snug, and it took a little force for Dan to get it over the knuckle. Before Trixie had a chance to admire her classic Tiffany set engagement ring and wedding band, Dan handed her the band he would wear. Trixie took his hand and slipped it on his finger with a little more ease.
Cupping her face, Dan pulled her close and captured her lower lip between his. The rest of the guys clapped, and Kane was busy snapping a photo for his Twitter followers. While none of the guys would necessarily come out and say it, they were slightly disappointed by the fact they hadn’t had a big wedding or waiting almost week until after tying the knot to tell everyone they had done it.
“Trixie,” Jonathan called. “Over the last six years you’ve become one of my closest friends and it’s going to be weird not having you around here for a while. You’re the best at what you do here for us and I have no doubt you’ll be just as good at motherhood. I think I not only speak for myself, but for the rest of the team, when I say we’ll miss having you here with us in the locker room.”
“I’m really going to miss being here, too.” Trixie crossed the locker room to give Jonathan a big hug as his unexpected mini-speech was rather touching. “Go easy on the new guy.”
“We got you something for you to remember us by.” Kane smiled and joked. He handed her a gift bag and Trixie took a seat on the bench beside Dan.
Digging through the tissue paper, Trixie pulled out three red Blackhawks sweaters. The smallest one on top, Trixie knew exactly what it was. An infant sized jersey with the number 13 and Carcillo stitched on the back. The second jersey, Trixie found, was also her very own Carcillo jersey (she had legally changed her last name before the playoffs started). Finally, the third and final jersey was one of sentimental value; she would never wear it and it would be framed and hung beside the Pittsburgh Penguins jersey Dan wore in 2003 when he was drafted.
There was no way Trixie could hold the tears as she turned the sweater around. O’Callahan was stitched into the nylon along with 06, commemorating the year she was hired. “Thank you. Thank you, so much.”
Setting her jerseys on the bench, Trixie stood up and made her rounds in giving hugs. Dan finished getting dressed and tossed Trixie’s bag strap over his shoulder. Grabbing the bag with her jerseys, Trixie laced her fingers with Dan’s and he kissed her cheek as they left the United Center for the one place she couldn’t wait to be. Home.