Big Girl Panties

kangaroo care

“How are you feeling, Trixie?”

Janna, Trixie’s morning shift nurse, asked as she changed out the empty saline bag and flushed Trixie’s IV line. Trixie hadn’t slept much the previous night as it was expected, having spent most of the night in the NICU.

“Like I just had my abdomen sliced open.” She joked.

It had been less than twenty-four hours since baby Jack Carcillo had been born and as of current time; both mother and child were on their way to a full and healthy recovery. Jack had made it through the night complication free but she and Dan had been warned by the doctor it could be a couple months, if not longer, until they would be able to take their son home. Janna rolled her eyes and laughed as she handed Trixie two Advil’s to help with the swelling and discomfort of her incision. After having experienced the wonders of Morphine, she slightly wished she could have stayed on that for a little while longer.

As her nurse filled out her chart, Trixie’s ear perked up the second she heard a familiar voice echoing in the hall, calling out to the straggling child behind her. Closing her People Magazine, Trixie slowly propped herself up in the bed as Abby and Madelyn Sharp crossed the threshold into her room. Abby came baring a bouquet of flowers with blue ribbon tied around the glass vase.

“Why didn’t you call me yesterday when all this was happening?” Abby set the vase down on a small table beside Trixie’s bed and wasted no time kissing Trixie’s cheeks.

Trixie gathered her hair up and tied it into a high, messy bun as she felt bad for not telling anyone she would be giving birth. Daniel had made all the calls that morning after he had gone home to get some sleep, shower and eat a decent meal.

“I didn’t want to worry you guys.” Trixie was careful in moving to make room for Madelyn as the tot climbed up on the bed to sit beside her. “Especially since we weren’t sure about what was going on with him.”

Abby comfortingly ran her hand over the top of Trixie’s head and she grabbed Madelyn and placed her on her lap as she sat beside Trixie. Being a mother, Abby couldn’t imagine what Trixie must be going through emotionally. Not being able to hold her newborn and especially having to leave the hospital in a few days without her son. She counted her lucky stars for the uncomplicated pregnancy she had with Madelyn and prayed her second one would go as smoothly.

“You holding up okay?” Abby’s voice was low. She was almost afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Trixie nodded. “Yeah. I just think that once I get out here, the reality of the situation will set in, you know?”

Abby could see Trixie’s eyes begin to well with tears.

“Walking past his room with all the toys and clothes I had bought, knowing he’ll still be here without me.”

Abby pulled Trixie in close to her as she began to cry for the first time since Jack had been born. Pulling away after several minutes, Trixie wiped her eyes after running a hand through Madelyn’s thin hair. She knew that with the support system she had by her side, the next few months wouldn’t be as hard if she were alone.
Over the next several hours, Trixie had quickly become slightly overwhelmed—and grateful—with the family and friends that were coming and going through her room. While she appreciated each and every flower bouquet, card, and hug, all she wanted to do was catch a few minutes of shut eye before spending another sleepless night in the NICU sitting beside Jack’s incubator as she switched between mindlessly reading tabloids and watching Jack.

In a span of six hours, she had seen almost every member of the Blackhawks organization, all WAG’s and several friends she had outside of the hockey world. Hers and Dan’s parents (Geno had flown from King City overnight) were taking turns spending time with their grandson in the NICU. As only 2 visitors were allowed at one time, they were gladly taking shifts between being with Trixie and the baby.

Dan, however, unable to come to terms with his own emotions was avoiding the hospital all together. Dr. Hart had stressed that the first forty-eight hours of a premature baby’s life were critical and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be at the hospital if things suddenly took a turn for the worst. He was never good at handling stressful and emotional situations, which he had learned from his weekly visits with a shrink/addiction specialist were the main reasons he had turned to drugs in the first place.

As he laid in bed with his hand on Trixie’s empty pillow, Dan realized how easy it would be in that moment for him to relapse and numb the pain and depression he felt seeping over with the euphoric side effect offered by cocaine. Having turned his phone off after falling into a few shots of whiskey when he had gotten home, Dan was afraid to turn it on and see many missed calls, voice and text messages from Trixie and his mother. Forcing himself up and out of bed, Dan decided on a hot shower before grabbing his keys, wallet, phone and a protein shake before heading off to the hospital.

It was well past sunset when he parked in the lot and headed up to her room. The traveling laughter of Jack O’Callahan and his own father stirred a slight disappointment within himself. He knew he should have been at the hospital hours ago to be by his wife and son’s side. He had let Trixie down.

“Look who finally showed up.” Julia looked up from the pamphlet on premature babies she had been reading.

Running a hand through his hair and grabbing the back of his neck, Dan slowly made his way through the doorway and over to Trixie’s bed. “I know; I’m sorry…slept longer than I should have.”

Pulling a chair up beside Trixie’s bed, Dan pressed his lips to her warm cheek. “How long has she been out?”

Debra ceased stroking Trixie’s hair and glanced up at the monitor showing her vital signs. “About forty minutes. With all the excitement of the day, she started running a bit of a fever so the doctor ordered a shot of a pretty heavy antibiotic to be on the safe side.”

“Had you been here or bothered to answer your phone, you would have known.” Geno was displeased with his son, knowing too well he sometimes didn’t take responsibility too seriously. Standing up from his chair, Geno tossed his coffee cup in the trash before he and Julia kissed Trixie’s temple in goodbye. They had been at the hospital for nearly five hours and was time all four grandparents headed out.

Jack wished he could stay with Trixie all night and be there for her every need but he knew it wouldn’t do much good if he did. Readjusting her pillow and blanket carefully not to wake her, Jack kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

Deciding it would be best to stay the night at the hospital with Trixie, Dan left for only an hour to pick up a pizza, a few bottles of soda and his laptop. As he made himself comfortable, Dan chowed on the double dough pizza not caring about the carbs as he read up on the previous night’s loss in Boston and mindlessly searched other sites like Buzzfeed and watched Netflix. Deep in to his third episode of Dexter and fourth slice of pizza, Dan hadn’t heard the clicking of Dr. Hart’s heels against the tiled hospital floor. It was only half past nine and Trixie showed no signs of waking up anytime soon.

“It looks like she’s finally getting some sleep.” Dr. Hart dropped one arm to the side as the other held Jack’s chart to her chest. “I came by earlier to talk to you two but you weren’t here and Trixie wanted to wait until you arrived. Should I come back tomorrow?”

“No.” Dan was quick to say. He paused his episode of Dexter and placed his laptop on the tray beside Trixie’s bed. As he stood up, cornmeal from the bottom of his pizza slices that collected on his shirt fell to the floor.

“How is he? How’s Jack?”

Dr. Hart smiled. “Jack is stable. The steroids your wife had taken to treat her preeclampsia matured his body more than I would normally see in a baby born between 28-29 weeks. I am, however going to keep him on oxygen to be on the safe side to make sure his o2 level’s high.”

Internally, a wave of relief washed over him, but he didn’t show it on the outside. Aubrey Hart had seen many of men like Dan Carcillo in her career and she knew exactly what he needed. Urging him to leave the pizza and Netflix, Dr. Hart waved for Dan to follow him. “Come with me, Mr. Carcillo.”

Dan hesitantly followed Dr. Hart as she took him to the NICU. It surprised Dan to find several other parents were sitting in rocking chairs holding their babies close to their chests. He couldn’t imagine getting so close emotionally and bonding with a child if there were a chance they wouldn’t even make it through the night.

Pointing towards the rocking chair beside Jack’s incubator, Dr. Hart instructed Dan. “Take off your shirt and sit down.”

Dan raised an eyebrow as his fingers toyed with the hem of his Led Zeppelin shirt.

“Don’t worry, Dan, this is purely professional and I’m more a Patrick Kane fan.” Aubrey let out a small laugh.

Pulling his shirt over his head, Dan draped it over the back of the rocking chair as he took a seat. Dr. Hart opened the incubator and gently picked up Jack. “Have you ever heard of ‘kangaroo care’?”

He shook his head.

“Kangaroo care is a technique that has been found to have many benefits for both child and parent.” Untangling the cords that were connected to Jack, Dr. Hart placed Jack on Dan’s bare chest in the fetal position and then draped a blanket over the baby.

“The skin to skin contact is shown to have many health benefits for the baby and is also good for bonding between a father and son. I’ll be back in about thirty minutes.”

Before Dan had a chance to object, Dr. Hart was already on her way out of the NICU. Realizing he was now somewhat alone with his son, the only thing that brought some reassurance knowing that there were nurses close by in case Jack began to decompensate. With one foot on the ground and the other propped up on the ottoman, Dan gently rocked back and forth in the chair. Dan wasn’t sure what to do, so he took the lead of several other parents and started talking to Jack. His eyes were closed and he was clearly asleep but that didn’t stop him. In a hushed tone, he started.

“Judging by what I see around here, Little J, you’re the lucky one. Wait until you’re a teenager; all your friends will be coming over for milf and cookies.”

Dan laughed to himself, and then abruptly stopped.

“Forget I said that.”

Letting out a long breath, Dan looked down at Jack. As he eyed the sleeping being in his arms, it was that moment that it finally dawned on him that he was actually a father. He was now responsible of raising his son and teaching him to be a productive member of society. While that scared him beyond belief, a warm comfort settled in chest as he remembered his own upbringing. Dan knew that if he could be half the father his own dad had been to him, Jack would be okay after all. Gently kissing the top of Jack’s head, Dan realized he never wanted to let him ago. As Jack tightly gripped Dan’s finger, the third line enforcer found a soft spot and fell utterly in love with his son.