Big Girl Panties

things fall apart

Holding Jack in her arms for the first time was a feeling like non other for Trixie and it was the first time in months that she truly felt like a mother. Dan had kept it a secret from Trixie that he in fact had been the first on to hold Jack, not wanting to take that special moment away from her. And, after much pestering and reassurance that she would be fine without him for a couple of hours, the new mother had convinced her husband to board a flight and head to Boston to be with his team. So, in the quiet NICU, Trixie slowly rocked back and forth with Jack tightly in her arms as she kept one eye on the game and the other on her son.

“See Jack,” Trixie pointed to the screen. “All those guy are part of your family, too. They love you just as much as mommy and daddy and will be there for you always.”

She readjusted the small knitted red and black hat that snuggly fit his tiny head. It had been a gift from the Blackhawks organization as all the jerseys and Blackhawks onezies Trixie had accumulated over the time of her short pregnancy were far too small fit Jack’s tiny body. And, especially on a night like this one as the guys took the ice for another big game in Boston, Trixie as well as the other WAG’s felt it was important that the newest addition to the Blackhawks family be wearing the traditional red and black.

Trixie had thought about spending the night in her room with Abby and Madelyn watching the game and eating pizza, but seeing as to how it was her last night in the hospital, Trixie wanted nothing more than to spend the next few hours with Jack. The timetable for his homecoming was still unclear and the team of specialized doctors had warned Trixie and Dan it could be months until that day arrived.

The good news that Trixie and Dan saw silver lining in was that just forty eight hours after his birth, he no longer needed oxygen to assist his breathing and there had been no apnea. When the little guy learned to feed and gained more weight, they would be given the thumbs up to take their son home. For Trixie and Dan, that day couldn’t come quick enough.

Ceasing to quietly sing “Here come the Hawks”, Trixie’s ears perked up when she heard Enzo mention her name on national television.

“The Blackhawks family is proud to announce a new addition to their family. Trixie and Daniel Carcillo welcomed Jack Daniel Carcillo on June 17th. Born nine weeks early, we’re happy to say Jack is doing well and can’t wait until both mother and son can come home.”

“See,” Trixie smiled and reassured her son. “They all love you.”



It was a somber moment for Trixie. Sitting on the edge of her hospital bed dressed in loose fitting yoga pants not to irritate her incision; she winced at the stinging sensation of the nurse removing the IV catheter from her vein. As eager as she was to get home and finally rest in her own bed, she wanted nothing more than to be able to walk out of there with Jack. She told herself over and over that it wouldn’t be long. Jack was half Carcillo and half O’Callahan and both families were known for their enforcers. He would fight his way to the top soon and sooner than expected would be reunited with his family outside of Northwestern Memorial’s NICU.

Dan smiled at his wife, attempting to cheer her up as he slung the strap of her duffle bag over his shoulder. With a bottle of a mild pain medication in her right hand, Trixie held out her left hand to Dan so he could assist her in standing up. Dan’s heart dropped as he watched Trixie’s face twist in pain. She was still very uncomfortable with the sutures and staples in her belly. Part of her was thankful she would have sufficient time to heal and recover so she would be back to herself 100% by the time came home.

“I want to say goodbye to him before we leave.” Trixie insisted.

Her nurse gave to the nod to go and assured she’d have all the discharge papers ready in ten minutes.

“Have you given anymore thought to what I said last night?” Dan asked. He walked slowly beside Trixie as they made their way to the NICU.

She stopped walking for a second and gave her answer.

“I did. I don’t think it would be such a good idea.”

“Trix,” Dan insisted. “I know you and I know it’s something you should do. You heard what that head doctor said, you have to go back to normal life or else you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

She wasn’t going to admit it out loud, but for Trixie getting back to normal life would be going home and drowning herself in a bottle of wine after taking a pain killer in hopes she would sleep her days away until Jack was home. The prospect of another Stanley Cup victory and celebration wasn’t something Trixie found she was all too excited over.

Dan stopped her before she could enter the NICU. “Promise me you’ll at least think it over a little more. If everything works out, I want you there with me.”

Hearing those words made Trixie crumble. Falling into Dan’s arms in the middle of the silent hallway, Trixie’s cry of anguish echoed.

“I want Jack there, too.” Trixie hiccupped.

Dan wrapped his strong arms comfortingly around his hurting wife as he backed up against the wall for more support. He could feel his own tears welling in the corner of his eyes as he did nothing to stop then from spilling over and rolling down his cheeks. Pulling Trixie away from him and cupping her cheeks in his hands, the sight of her face was heartbreaking. It seemed like Niagara Falls was trickling down her face from bloodshot eyes and her cheeks and nose were a bright shade of irritated red. Watching Dan cry from her own blurry vision only made Trixie cry harder.

“I want nothing more than for Jack to there as well. Trixie, I promise you though that when I…we take the Cup to King City this summer, he will be there with us and we’ll finally be a family. Please babe, I need you there in Boston with me on Monday.”

Slowing the tears down, Trixie wiped her face with her fingers before wrapping her arms around Dan’s neck. He rubbed her back and shhh’d her as her breathing started to regulate.

“C’mon,” Dan grabbed Trixie’s hand and squeezed it tight. “Let’s go give him hugs and kisses so I can get you home and into bed.”



Friday June, 21st 2012

The second Trixie opened her eyes the sunlight hit them like daggers as she was suffering from the worst hangover she had ever experienced. Nausea hit in a strong wave that she had never felt before and she considered it a miracle she had made it to the bathroom before she started to vomit. Balling up a towel, Trixie rested her body on the cold tile floor knowing full well the vomiting was far from over. She had racked up a several hundred dollar tab at McFadden’s the previous night, drinking a bottle of Jameson and half a bottle of wine by herself not to mention the countless shots of who knew what else. She had no idea how she made it home and was baffled by the fact she wasn’t lying in a hospital bed again but this time from alcohol poisoning.

Trixie moved not even an inch when the master bath door creaked open. Dan stood in the doorway with a bottle of Tylenol in one hand and a glass of ice water in the other. He set them down on the vanity before flushing the toilet and helping Trixie to a prone position. With her back against the wall, Trixie brought her knees to her chest.

“Was it really worth it?”

His voice was laced with a hostile tone. After nearly seven hours of not knowing where his wife had been yesterday, Dan had been both filled with relief but also blinded with anger after receiving a call from a bartender at McFadden’s saying he needed to come by and retrieve Trixie. He knew she was hurting, but he found it rather childish of her to find coziness at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey.

This coming from the man who had once found fun in doing lines of coke off the ass cheek of an expensive escort.

Trixie didn’t respond. She accepted the pain reliever and water without a thank you.

“What time is it?” She asked.

“Almost 4 in the afternoon.”

Trixie mouthed a ‘wow’. Holding out her hand to Dan, he grabbed it and helped ease her up off the floor. When she stood, the white cotton tank top she was wearing was lightly spotted with blood from where she had torn a staple. She didn’t care. After brushing her teeth and rinsing her mouth out with Listerine, Trixie stripped from her stale clothes and changed to fresh ones.

“Where you going?” Dan watched her as she put on a pair of ankle high gladiator sandals.

Trixie grabbed her bag and pushed her way past Dan and out of her closet. “The bar. Is that alright with you, mother?”