Dear Kellin
1/1
*MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE*
Did you stop and wonder what would happen if you didn't have that special someone? That one person that helps you with all your problems, that you will always care about and love unconditionally and they feel the same about you.I never did until after mine was gone.
I lost my best friend Vic 6 months ago and haven't been the same since. . I know you may be wondering why so Ill tell you....
Vic and I didn't exactly have the normal boy plus boy friendship. You see, we loved each other and began dating.
We never told anybody about us for year year (We were both in 10th grade); not out closest friends or even our parents. There's no way we could've kept it a secret that long? Hah, we did. It was do hard not being able to touch each other or show any feelings. We couldn't because it would ruin both our reputations. Vic was popular and best known for his athletic skills and I wasn't necessarily popular, I was friends with all the same people Vic was. It's just I didn't play sports to get up to their level. They sorta only liked me since I 'amused' them.
I still remember the day Vic and i were assigned to do a project together (science) and that day was possibly the best day of my life.
~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~
We were both laying down on our stomaches with our elbows propping us up on Vic's carpeted floor. His eyes were boring a page in the textbook and mine were studying his room.
There were so many posters and piles of close everywhere, I wouldn't be surprised if there was something dead in there, I laughed at the thought.
His eyes detached from the page "Pay attention Kellin" He laughed, "This is due in 2 days." He nudged his shoulder against mine.
I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed, "I'm horrible at science though and how am I suppose to concentrate when there might be something dead under your piles of clothes?" I asked, propping myself up on my right arm so I'd only be looking at him.
He looked around his room with a smile still on his face, "There's nothing dead in here." He looked at me and laughed again.
"I'd seriously doubt that." I said, drawing circles on his carpet with the thumb if my free hand out of habit.
He put his face into hand hands and mumbled, "Kellin, get back to work." I took the opportunity to close the textbook and dart out of his room and outside since I knew he'd be following after me (he wouldn't get mad). Soon enough I heard footsteps as I ran down the street, "Kellin you dipwad." He yelled, I could hear the joking in his voice.
I made it to my yard that was just around the block to his. I made it to the door when I realized my mom wasn't home and I forgot where the keys were. I looked down the street to see Vic still running and getting closer to my house and I started shaking, I knew Vic wouldn't be mad it was just the adrenaline.
Where are they?
Pocket? No.
Under the rug? No.
In a pot of one of my mothers plants? Nope. "Shit." I mumbled
By the time I ruled out everything Vic was two neighbors down from my house. I was about to say that I surrender when I remembered the key was taped under the window seal.
I grabbed the key as fast as I could and tried slipping it in the lock but my hands were shaking, "Shit, Shit, Shit." I mumbled again.
The next thing I knew I was being straddled by out of breathe Vic in the yard, I couldn't move because he had a grip on my wrists. We looked at each other, panting.
"You better help-" he took a deep breath looking at me "with the project." I was out of breath also so I didn't say anything, I just nodded.
Soon enough our breathing was back to normal and Vic was still straddling me, awkward...
He looked up at my house taking in the appearance, I took this chance to switch our positions so that I was straddling him.
He looked at me shocked by the sudden change of positions but started laughing so hard I could tell he tried not to cry because his eyes were squinted shut, I didn't though I looked at him and noticed how, well, good he looked.
I leaned in closer and closed the gap that was between us, my lips pressing to his. He stopped laughing and tensed up, pulling away.
I don't know why I did it. I rolled off up him, refusing to look him in the eyes. I felt so pathetic, "Sorry."
I mumbled.
I was so embarrassed, I quickly got up and rushed to the door. My hands were shaking and I couldn't see because my eyes were year filled.
My throat began to hurt from refusing to let the tears fall, soon it began unbearable so I let them fall freely down my cheeks and I dropped the key. "Shit." I kicked the door.
I leaned down to pick it up but couldn't find it, "Kellin." I heard Vic say. I ignored him and got down on my knees and searches for the key.
"Kellin." I heard him say louder from behind me. I said nothing again and continued searching for the key, found it.
I stood up and attempted to get the key in the lock again, "Kellin!" Vic yelled causing me to jump and look back at him with tears still streaming down my cheeks. "Sorry." I choked out.
He cupped my face in his hands and made sure I was looking at him, "It's fine, stop crying." He said wiping away tears with his thumbs.
We remained like that until I stopped shaking and my tears subsided. "I'm sorry." My I felt my voice crack. "Don't be you dipwad." He said loud enough for only us to hear and soon enough he closed the gap between by kissing me and I hesitantly kissed back, closing my eyes. He removed a hand from my face and placed it on my waist, pulling us closer and the other was firmly cupping my cheek and rubbing small circles with his thumb, not deepening the kiss. We pulled away out of breath and looked at each other, placing our foreheads together, "I think I like you." Vic breathed. "I think I like you too." I pecked his lips.
~~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~~
Since that day Vic and I would hang out whenever we could and was content with our relationship until we decided to come out of the closest at school and home.
We were both nervous when the day came but we still went through with it by telling out parents a Friday morning, thankfully they approved.
I remember walking into the the school hand in hand and fingers intertwined. We stopped when the hallways went quiet and all eyes were on us. There were lots of shocked and disgusted faces but we spoke up, telling people we were gay and kissed.
Since that day Vic quit every sport he played because of getting into fights, his grades dropped dramatically, and he slipped into depression. Whereas I didn't care what people called me because I had Vic, I tried helping him, I needed him to stop but he wouldn't let me, I would take his blades away but he would always find a way to get more. It got to the point where he and I would argue and argue..
One day we were having an argument and he told me he hated me and slammed his bedroom door in my face. I walked home crying and got a text message saying "I'm sorry, I love you." The last text message I ever got from him, because he killed himself that day. My boyfriend Victor Fuentes killed himself December 18, 2012 by overdosing on sleeping pills and slitting his left wrist.
Now I'm sitting here on the Colorado bridge in San Diego crying my eyes out, about to end my life on what would've been Vic and I's anniversary. I was wearing Vic's favorite sweatshirt as I looked down below me at the water and then pulled up the sleeves to look at my arms that has now been covered in deep cuts and ugly scars. "Vic wouldn't want this" I wasn't expecting a reply since I was the only one sitting on the edge of the bridge but to my surprise a came behind me causing me to flinch, "You're right." I looked back to see a boy a little younger than me with a few tattoos, a piercing above his upper lip, wearing skinny jeans and a tank top, with an envelope in hand.
He took a seat beside me, I was surprised that somebody would because they could.. You know.. Fall. He looked so familiar though and a little like Vic, "I'm Mike and I'm guessing you're Kellin?" He asked looking down at the envelope with my name written sloppily on it.
"Yes, how do you know?" I asked a little concerned to why he knew my name.
"I'm Mike." He looked ahead the water. "Mike Fuentes, Vic's brother."
I wiped away the tears that fell down my face when hearing that name and I looked at him again. He was the boy in Vic's family photos, the one that was attending some special school and was rarely home.
"How'd you know I'd be here and what's that in your hands?" I asked gesturing to the envelope.
"I was told in my letter to keep an eye out for you on this date and a few more other dates." And this he handed me the envelope. "Is from Vic." I took it from his light grip and opened it. I looked over to Mike but he wasn't there, I turned around to see him walking away from the traffic.
I took a deep breathe before reading,
"Dear Kellin,
If you're reading this than I'm dead and I'm very sorry I left you alone without a warning. I couldn't bare to say goodbye to you in person so I'm doing it this way.
I didn't kill myself because of you or any of the stupid arguments we've been having so don't you dare blame yourself because this isn't your fault. I did it because I've been hating who I've been and I couldn't live with myself anymore. I've been putting a lot on you and I feel horrible.
I need you to know that I love you. I love you so much, ever since the day we kissed I knew that you'd mean everything to me. The day we came out to everybody at school and home was perfect, I don't care about how I lost friends all I cared about was that I had you.
I have some questions though. Why are you sitting on the edge of that bridge there? I know you if not ill have to haunt Mike for finding you and giving this to you ahead of the dates I wrote down. Oh wait, sorry I shouldn't be joking, I'm dead and you're broken. I need you to get up and walk away from there now. Your life isn't over yet, you're too beautiful to be broken.
You're leaving right?" I read the last line over and over again until I looked down and wiped my wet eyes, 'Do I really want this?' I asked myself.
I looked back down a the paper and read the next line, "No, you don't want this, I don't want this for you." That was enough to get me to stand up and begin my walk home.
"I take it you got up?" I nodded my head even though he couldn't see me, "That's amazing, thank you. Ok, Kellin I need you to go into your room and look in your notebook, the blue one that you wrote old songs in. There's something in there I put for you."
My walking turned into sprinting and soon enough I was home and rummaging through everything under my bed until I spotted it.
I picked up the notebook and watched a blade fall out with a little note attached to it that read, "Throw it away for me?"
I walked over to the trashcan with the blade (I kept the note.) and threw it away. I made my way back to the the letter and continued reading, "Thank you.
By the way go through my jacket, I bet you're wearing it, in the pocket there's a paper." I put my hands in my pocket until I felt it, I took it out and unraveled it to see our science notes from the day we kissed, I smiled small and continued reading.
"I had to finish that project in my own because you wouldn't pay attention and may I remind you there was NOT anything dead under those piles of clothes, I don't think anyways." I laughed at the memory. "Chasing you down that street was fun and watching you struggle underneath me was funny too. When you kissed me I remember not kissing back because I was surprised but I am so glad you did, you're a good kisser but I'm better.(; Ill miss the feeling of your lips against mine, you always knew what kind I needed. You're just so perfect in every way... Oy, I know that you're probably not gonna want me to end this letter but I'm getting really tired.
Please Kellin, please, know that you're so important to me and I don't want you to end your life ever, especially over me. You can move on but I hope you never forget me because ill never forget you. Ill be watching you and I can't wait to see what man you become.
Love you so much dipwad,
Vic."
I laid down on my bed, snuggled into Vic's sweatshirt, with the letter in my firm grasp. "I love you so much too Vic and I promise you ill get better." I said through sobs and soon enough I was into unconscious sleep.
Did you stop and wonder what would happen if you didn't have that special someone? That one person that helps you with all your problems, that you will always care about and love unconditionally and they feel the same about you.I never did until after mine was gone.
I lost my best friend Vic 6 months ago and haven't been the same since. . I know you may be wondering why so Ill tell you....
Vic and I didn't exactly have the normal boy plus boy friendship. You see, we loved each other and began dating.
We never told anybody about us for year year (We were both in 10th grade); not out closest friends or even our parents. There's no way we could've kept it a secret that long? Hah, we did. It was do hard not being able to touch each other or show any feelings. We couldn't because it would ruin both our reputations. Vic was popular and best known for his athletic skills and I wasn't necessarily popular, I was friends with all the same people Vic was. It's just I didn't play sports to get up to their level. They sorta only liked me since I 'amused' them.
I still remember the day Vic and i were assigned to do a project together (science) and that day was possibly the best day of my life.
~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~
We were both laying down on our stomaches with our elbows propping us up on Vic's carpeted floor. His eyes were boring a page in the textbook and mine were studying his room.
There were so many posters and piles of close everywhere, I wouldn't be surprised if there was something dead in there, I laughed at the thought.
His eyes detached from the page "Pay attention Kellin" He laughed, "This is due in 2 days." He nudged his shoulder against mine.
I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed, "I'm horrible at science though and how am I suppose to concentrate when there might be something dead under your piles of clothes?" I asked, propping myself up on my right arm so I'd only be looking at him.
He looked around his room with a smile still on his face, "There's nothing dead in here." He looked at me and laughed again.
"I'd seriously doubt that." I said, drawing circles on his carpet with the thumb if my free hand out of habit.
He put his face into hand hands and mumbled, "Kellin, get back to work." I took the opportunity to close the textbook and dart out of his room and outside since I knew he'd be following after me (he wouldn't get mad). Soon enough I heard footsteps as I ran down the street, "Kellin you dipwad." He yelled, I could hear the joking in his voice.
I made it to my yard that was just around the block to his. I made it to the door when I realized my mom wasn't home and I forgot where the keys were. I looked down the street to see Vic still running and getting closer to my house and I started shaking, I knew Vic wouldn't be mad it was just the adrenaline.
Where are they?
Pocket? No.
Under the rug? No.
In a pot of one of my mothers plants? Nope. "Shit." I mumbled
By the time I ruled out everything Vic was two neighbors down from my house. I was about to say that I surrender when I remembered the key was taped under the window seal.
I grabbed the key as fast as I could and tried slipping it in the lock but my hands were shaking, "Shit, Shit, Shit." I mumbled again.
The next thing I knew I was being straddled by out of breathe Vic in the yard, I couldn't move because he had a grip on my wrists. We looked at each other, panting.
"You better help-" he took a deep breath looking at me "with the project." I was out of breath also so I didn't say anything, I just nodded.
Soon enough our breathing was back to normal and Vic was still straddling me, awkward...
He looked up at my house taking in the appearance, I took this chance to switch our positions so that I was straddling him.
He looked at me shocked by the sudden change of positions but started laughing so hard I could tell he tried not to cry because his eyes were squinted shut, I didn't though I looked at him and noticed how, well, good he looked.
I leaned in closer and closed the gap that was between us, my lips pressing to his. He stopped laughing and tensed up, pulling away.
I don't know why I did it. I rolled off up him, refusing to look him in the eyes. I felt so pathetic, "Sorry."
I mumbled.
I was so embarrassed, I quickly got up and rushed to the door. My hands were shaking and I couldn't see because my eyes were year filled.
My throat began to hurt from refusing to let the tears fall, soon it began unbearable so I let them fall freely down my cheeks and I dropped the key. "Shit." I kicked the door.
I leaned down to pick it up but couldn't find it, "Kellin." I heard Vic say. I ignored him and got down on my knees and searches for the key.
"Kellin." I heard him say louder from behind me. I said nothing again and continued searching for the key, found it.
I stood up and attempted to get the key in the lock again, "Kellin!" Vic yelled causing me to jump and look back at him with tears still streaming down my cheeks. "Sorry." I choked out.
He cupped my face in his hands and made sure I was looking at him, "It's fine, stop crying." He said wiping away tears with his thumbs.
We remained like that until I stopped shaking and my tears subsided. "I'm sorry." My I felt my voice crack. "Don't be you dipwad." He said loud enough for only us to hear and soon enough he closed the gap between by kissing me and I hesitantly kissed back, closing my eyes. He removed a hand from my face and placed it on my waist, pulling us closer and the other was firmly cupping my cheek and rubbing small circles with his thumb, not deepening the kiss. We pulled away out of breath and looked at each other, placing our foreheads together, "I think I like you." Vic breathed. "I think I like you too." I pecked his lips.
~~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~~
Since that day Vic and I would hang out whenever we could and was content with our relationship until we decided to come out of the closest at school and home.
We were both nervous when the day came but we still went through with it by telling out parents a Friday morning, thankfully they approved.
I remember walking into the the school hand in hand and fingers intertwined. We stopped when the hallways went quiet and all eyes were on us. There were lots of shocked and disgusted faces but we spoke up, telling people we were gay and kissed.
Since that day Vic quit every sport he played because of getting into fights, his grades dropped dramatically, and he slipped into depression. Whereas I didn't care what people called me because I had Vic, I tried helping him, I needed him to stop but he wouldn't let me, I would take his blades away but he would always find a way to get more. It got to the point where he and I would argue and argue..
One day we were having an argument and he told me he hated me and slammed his bedroom door in my face. I walked home crying and got a text message saying "I'm sorry, I love you." The last text message I ever got from him, because he killed himself that day. My boyfriend Victor Fuentes killed himself December 18, 2012 by overdosing on sleeping pills and slitting his left wrist.
Now I'm sitting here on the Colorado bridge in San Diego crying my eyes out, about to end my life on what would've been Vic and I's anniversary. I was wearing Vic's favorite sweatshirt as I looked down below me at the water and then pulled up the sleeves to look at my arms that has now been covered in deep cuts and ugly scars. "Vic wouldn't want this" I wasn't expecting a reply since I was the only one sitting on the edge of the bridge but to my surprise a came behind me causing me to flinch, "You're right." I looked back to see a boy a little younger than me with a few tattoos, a piercing above his upper lip, wearing skinny jeans and a tank top, with an envelope in hand.
He took a seat beside me, I was surprised that somebody would because they could.. You know.. Fall. He looked so familiar though and a little like Vic, "I'm Mike and I'm guessing you're Kellin?" He asked looking down at the envelope with my name written sloppily on it.
"Yes, how do you know?" I asked a little concerned to why he knew my name.
"I'm Mike." He looked ahead the water. "Mike Fuentes, Vic's brother."
I wiped away the tears that fell down my face when hearing that name and I looked at him again. He was the boy in Vic's family photos, the one that was attending some special school and was rarely home.
"How'd you know I'd be here and what's that in your hands?" I asked gesturing to the envelope.
"I was told in my letter to keep an eye out for you on this date and a few more other dates." And this he handed me the envelope. "Is from Vic." I took it from his light grip and opened it. I looked over to Mike but he wasn't there, I turned around to see him walking away from the traffic.
I took a deep breathe before reading,
"Dear Kellin,
If you're reading this than I'm dead and I'm very sorry I left you alone without a warning. I couldn't bare to say goodbye to you in person so I'm doing it this way.
I didn't kill myself because of you or any of the stupid arguments we've been having so don't you dare blame yourself because this isn't your fault. I did it because I've been hating who I've been and I couldn't live with myself anymore. I've been putting a lot on you and I feel horrible.
I need you to know that I love you. I love you so much, ever since the day we kissed I knew that you'd mean everything to me. The day we came out to everybody at school and home was perfect, I don't care about how I lost friends all I cared about was that I had you.
I have some questions though. Why are you sitting on the edge of that bridge there? I know you if not ill have to haunt Mike for finding you and giving this to you ahead of the dates I wrote down. Oh wait, sorry I shouldn't be joking, I'm dead and you're broken. I need you to get up and walk away from there now. Your life isn't over yet, you're too beautiful to be broken.
You're leaving right?" I read the last line over and over again until I looked down and wiped my wet eyes, 'Do I really want this?' I asked myself.
I looked back down a the paper and read the next line, "No, you don't want this, I don't want this for you." That was enough to get me to stand up and begin my walk home.
"I take it you got up?" I nodded my head even though he couldn't see me, "That's amazing, thank you. Ok, Kellin I need you to go into your room and look in your notebook, the blue one that you wrote old songs in. There's something in there I put for you."
My walking turned into sprinting and soon enough I was home and rummaging through everything under my bed until I spotted it.
I picked up the notebook and watched a blade fall out with a little note attached to it that read, "Throw it away for me?"
I walked over to the trashcan with the blade (I kept the note.) and threw it away. I made my way back to the the letter and continued reading, "Thank you.
By the way go through my jacket, I bet you're wearing it, in the pocket there's a paper." I put my hands in my pocket until I felt it, I took it out and unraveled it to see our science notes from the day we kissed, I smiled small and continued reading.
"I had to finish that project in my own because you wouldn't pay attention and may I remind you there was NOT anything dead under those piles of clothes, I don't think anyways." I laughed at the memory. "Chasing you down that street was fun and watching you struggle underneath me was funny too. When you kissed me I remember not kissing back because I was surprised but I am so glad you did, you're a good kisser but I'm better.(; Ill miss the feeling of your lips against mine, you always knew what kind I needed. You're just so perfect in every way... Oy, I know that you're probably not gonna want me to end this letter but I'm getting really tired.
Please Kellin, please, know that you're so important to me and I don't want you to end your life ever, especially over me. You can move on but I hope you never forget me because ill never forget you. Ill be watching you and I can't wait to see what man you become.
Love you so much dipwad,
Vic."
I laid down on my bed, snuggled into Vic's sweatshirt, with the letter in my firm grasp. "I love you so much too Vic and I promise you ill get better." I said through sobs and soon enough I was into unconscious sleep.
♠ ♠ ♠
Send me one shot requests in my tumblrHttp://PiercingKellic.tumblr.com/Ask