Status: Am still trying to write, but school is keeping me really busy
Hopeless Wanderer
Ten
I awoke in a panic with the absence of bark against my skin. Had I fallen? Nothing seemed broken. Why wasn’t I dead already? I felt no pain. Maybe I was dead already. A faint sound of snoring drifted into my senses. Bewildered, I looked around to be reminded I was among people again. A man sat slumped against the prison bars. At least I’d found the source of the snoring. My skin crawled and muscles tensed at the sight of another person. I recognized the dark brown hair and tried to relax that at least it was only Rick. The cell block was quiet. Being alone I’d gotten used to waking with the sun. Apparently safety had softened these people.
Gingerly, I rose from the cot, willing the motion wouldn’t wake my keeper. With nothing else to do I stretched out in my spacious cell. I attempted as many of the exercises I could remember from those chick magazines my friends passed around. As I stood from my last lunge I heard the piercing cry of a baby. Rick jumped to his feet while I crumpled to the ground in agony. He paid no attention to me as he rushed off to find the source of the cry. Instantly, I knew. No man moves like that except a father. I couldn’t believe this man had a baby among this madness.
In my best defensive move I plugged up my ears with my fingertips. I called out for Will. He didn’t come. All this time and this is where he abandons me. So I laid on the floor of the jail cell, ears closed off to the sounds around me and my eyes clenched tight against the sun. I tried to reclaim a small piece of life from before. At first it came more as a laundry list, almost like mechanical remembering. I went to school at Jefferson High. It was a one level brick building. My house was less than a mile from school. My best friend’s name was Katy. She’s probably dead now. I used to love Grandma’s spaghetti, especially on warm nights when we could slurp it down on the back porch with grilled garlic bread. Will and I were going to be married. We were waiting for him to get his masters but the world couldn’t last one more year. Now he was gone. No more lingering hugs. No more Axe body spray. No more Will. I can’t help but wonder which one of us he actually saved in the end.
When I opened my eyes back up to reality, there stood Rick. I could tell his lips were moving but my fingers were doing their job. He mimed for me to take my fingers out of my ears. I did so rather reluctantly, every part of me tensing up. “Will you come with me?” I nodded but attempted to cover my ears backup in case that baby cried again. I watched patiently as he slid the key in the lock and undid the mechanism, sliding the door open to release me. I followed his boots. They walked back down the cell block, retracing the way we had come in the night before. To my relief he only stopped once we were standing in the prison yard.
My eyes slowly looked up his dark denim clad legs, past the holster hanging off his hip, and on up from his dark button up shirt. I paused momentarily at his light beard, still trying to imagine one on Will. At last I found his light blue eyes and there mine shuddered away. In the near silence my stress melted away. Slowly, I lowered my hands so he could talk. In the background, rotters moaned, stacking up against the outer fence. I visibly relaxed at the sound. He briefly looked behind him, to see what I could see, before speaking.
“I’ve never met someone who prefers walkers to people.” I shrugged. “Why?”
I motioned over to the fence. “They’re just animals disguised as people. People are the real monsters.” He nodded once. I couldn’t tell if he was being polite or if he truly understood me. “Are you gonna let me go?” He chuckled at the question.
“You know I can’t do that.”
“So you brought me out here to put me down?” Which, honestly, I could be fine with. Past the false safety of this prison, survival was just an instinct not a desire. With some sleep fueling my brain I saw so clearly the gift a bullet would be now. He couldn’t really end my life. My life was already over, my body just didn’t know it yet.
“I can’t do that either,” he sighed. My eyes narrowed as my blood heated up under my skin.
“Well what the fuck are we doing here, then?”
“Thought you’d want to take watch with me. Get away from the people.” We spent the rest of the shift in silence. I searched the outer fence for Will. Rick was clearly dealing with his own shit. “Carl’s been begging to take a turn. I’d feel more comfortable if I knew you were watching him.”
“He’s your son, isn’t he?” It wasn’t really a question, though; I knew. I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure this out. He didn’t trust me not to do whatever it was he thought I’d do if he let me go, but he trusted me to look after his flesh and blood? Though thinking back to that fearless look in Carl’s eyes, I guess I didn’t blame him.
“Sure, whatever. Send him out.” I heard Carl climb up the ladder to the tower. He sat down beside me, almost close enough to touch. I thought we were going to sit it out in silence like I had with Rick, but then the kid spoke up.
“I don’t need a babysitter,” he argued.
“Babysitter? You’re watching me, remember?” Which, of course, wasn’t true, but the way he instantly lit up made me glad I said it. “Where’s your mom?”
“Dead.”
I nodded slightly even though he was watching the rotters, not me. “Mine too.” I don’t know why, except that maybe because I actually respected this kid, but I just kept going. “But before this whole mess, you know? It was a Sunday. I remember because she was out jogging while my dad and I watched cartoons snuggled up on the couch. She had a heart attack. Died right there on the sidewalk.” I paused, really focusing on the last time my own mom kissed the top of my head. “My dad told me she loved me so much her heart couldn’t hold it all. I know now he was just trying to comfort me. He was dealing with it, too. But for the longest time, I thought I killed my own mom.” I paused, thinking about the last time I spoke to my dad. It was right before cell lines went down. “Dads, huh?”
“So where is he? Your dad, I mean.” Was it just me or was this little hard ass softening up to me too?
“Probably dead,” I admitted. What came out of that boy’s mouth next truly shocked me.
“My dad was dead, too. Except he wasn’t and now he’s here. Maybe your dad isn’t dead, either.” I couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment. I didn’t totally understand everything he said, but the meaning was there.
“Carl, can you keep a secret?” He smiled and nodded eagerly. “Even from your dad?” He less enthusiastically agreed. I stuck out my hand and declared, “My name is Jenn. Jennifer. From Iowa.”
Gingerly, I rose from the cot, willing the motion wouldn’t wake my keeper. With nothing else to do I stretched out in my spacious cell. I attempted as many of the exercises I could remember from those chick magazines my friends passed around. As I stood from my last lunge I heard the piercing cry of a baby. Rick jumped to his feet while I crumpled to the ground in agony. He paid no attention to me as he rushed off to find the source of the cry. Instantly, I knew. No man moves like that except a father. I couldn’t believe this man had a baby among this madness.
In my best defensive move I plugged up my ears with my fingertips. I called out for Will. He didn’t come. All this time and this is where he abandons me. So I laid on the floor of the jail cell, ears closed off to the sounds around me and my eyes clenched tight against the sun. I tried to reclaim a small piece of life from before. At first it came more as a laundry list, almost like mechanical remembering. I went to school at Jefferson High. It was a one level brick building. My house was less than a mile from school. My best friend’s name was Katy. She’s probably dead now. I used to love Grandma’s spaghetti, especially on warm nights when we could slurp it down on the back porch with grilled garlic bread. Will and I were going to be married. We were waiting for him to get his masters but the world couldn’t last one more year. Now he was gone. No more lingering hugs. No more Axe body spray. No more Will. I can’t help but wonder which one of us he actually saved in the end.
When I opened my eyes back up to reality, there stood Rick. I could tell his lips were moving but my fingers were doing their job. He mimed for me to take my fingers out of my ears. I did so rather reluctantly, every part of me tensing up. “Will you come with me?” I nodded but attempted to cover my ears backup in case that baby cried again. I watched patiently as he slid the key in the lock and undid the mechanism, sliding the door open to release me. I followed his boots. They walked back down the cell block, retracing the way we had come in the night before. To my relief he only stopped once we were standing in the prison yard.
My eyes slowly looked up his dark denim clad legs, past the holster hanging off his hip, and on up from his dark button up shirt. I paused momentarily at his light beard, still trying to imagine one on Will. At last I found his light blue eyes and there mine shuddered away. In the near silence my stress melted away. Slowly, I lowered my hands so he could talk. In the background, rotters moaned, stacking up against the outer fence. I visibly relaxed at the sound. He briefly looked behind him, to see what I could see, before speaking.
“I’ve never met someone who prefers walkers to people.” I shrugged. “Why?”
I motioned over to the fence. “They’re just animals disguised as people. People are the real monsters.” He nodded once. I couldn’t tell if he was being polite or if he truly understood me. “Are you gonna let me go?” He chuckled at the question.
“You know I can’t do that.”
“So you brought me out here to put me down?” Which, honestly, I could be fine with. Past the false safety of this prison, survival was just an instinct not a desire. With some sleep fueling my brain I saw so clearly the gift a bullet would be now. He couldn’t really end my life. My life was already over, my body just didn’t know it yet.
“I can’t do that either,” he sighed. My eyes narrowed as my blood heated up under my skin.
“Well what the fuck are we doing here, then?”
“Thought you’d want to take watch with me. Get away from the people.” We spent the rest of the shift in silence. I searched the outer fence for Will. Rick was clearly dealing with his own shit. “Carl’s been begging to take a turn. I’d feel more comfortable if I knew you were watching him.”
“He’s your son, isn’t he?” It wasn’t really a question, though; I knew. I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure this out. He didn’t trust me not to do whatever it was he thought I’d do if he let me go, but he trusted me to look after his flesh and blood? Though thinking back to that fearless look in Carl’s eyes, I guess I didn’t blame him.
“Sure, whatever. Send him out.” I heard Carl climb up the ladder to the tower. He sat down beside me, almost close enough to touch. I thought we were going to sit it out in silence like I had with Rick, but then the kid spoke up.
“I don’t need a babysitter,” he argued.
“Babysitter? You’re watching me, remember?” Which, of course, wasn’t true, but the way he instantly lit up made me glad I said it. “Where’s your mom?”
“Dead.”
I nodded slightly even though he was watching the rotters, not me. “Mine too.” I don’t know why, except that maybe because I actually respected this kid, but I just kept going. “But before this whole mess, you know? It was a Sunday. I remember because she was out jogging while my dad and I watched cartoons snuggled up on the couch. She had a heart attack. Died right there on the sidewalk.” I paused, really focusing on the last time my own mom kissed the top of my head. “My dad told me she loved me so much her heart couldn’t hold it all. I know now he was just trying to comfort me. He was dealing with it, too. But for the longest time, I thought I killed my own mom.” I paused, thinking about the last time I spoke to my dad. It was right before cell lines went down. “Dads, huh?”
“So where is he? Your dad, I mean.” Was it just me or was this little hard ass softening up to me too?
“Probably dead,” I admitted. What came out of that boy’s mouth next truly shocked me.
“My dad was dead, too. Except he wasn’t and now he’s here. Maybe your dad isn’t dead, either.” I couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment. I didn’t totally understand everything he said, but the meaning was there.
“Carl, can you keep a secret?” He smiled and nodded eagerly. “Even from your dad?” He less enthusiastically agreed. I stuck out my hand and declared, “My name is Jenn. Jennifer. From Iowa.”