Status: Am still trying to write, but school is keeping me really busy
Hopeless Wanderer
Seventeen
The cool night air prickled at my bare flesh. My shoulders leaned against the prison wall as I stood shut-eyed. I had gone long enough without appearing crazy so Rick trusted me to stay within the prison boundaries without constant supervision. Of course, just because he trusted me to be alone didn’t mean he often stayed away for long. He slid up next to me to wrap his warm hand around my own. I had finally stopped flinching away from the simple touch. At first I thought he was attempting a sign of affection that I knew I could not return, but I began to realize it was more an act of solidarity in our suffering. Our remaining humanity screamed out for some human closeness. As I waited for him to speak, I knew the first thoughts that would tumble out of his mouth would be Lori.
“You know, if you have to go you can go.” He spoke softly so I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I’d heard him correctly. Maybe I’d simply heard what I wanted to hear. My head turned so I could face him, hoping for a sign. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Please just stay a little longer so we can get you supplies. But you can go whenever you want.” I could see his heavy heart etched into his face. Before I could formulate a response, he withdrew his hand and began to walk away, heading out to make a perimeter check. I wanted to catch up, and spill my gratitude and regret, but I could tell by the way his shoulders sagged and he held his head slightly lower that perhaps I should leave him be. Tonight he would need the company I couldn’t provide.
Carl was waiting inside my cell. He sprawled across the bed so I made myself comfortable on the floor. It didn’t take long for a game of War to sprawl between us. I slapped down an eight, which he scooped up with a jack. All the while I skirted around the possibility I would be leaving as we quietly traded more mom stories. Eventually he fell asleep in my bed. Carefully I pulled the shoes off his feet and the cover up over his abdomen. He didn’t even stir as I shut the metal door behind me.
I retreated to the cell he shared with his father, unsurprised to find it still empty. I slipped into a bed, ready to fall asleep, but my mind had different plans. I was lost in thought when I sensed somebody else was present. My body tensed up at the realization I wasn’t alone, but he didn’t seem to take notice of my existence. I gradually relaxed as I secretly watched him move. Wearily he sat at the edge of the bed and removed his left boot, then the right. His fingers worked one button loose after another until his overshirt could be slipped off his shoulders.
It wasn’t until he stood up and fumbled with the clasp of his holster that I noticed my heart beating frantically inside its cage. Awkwardly, I repositioned myself as loudly as I could in the bed, trying to pretend I’d been asleep but wanting him to know I was there. I’m not sure if he assumed I was his son or if he knew it was me but proceeded anyway. Regardless, I watched raptly as he got rid of the holster and set to work on his jeans. This time I cleared my throat. Rick turned towards me, to all appearances looking startled. Then he caught me by surprise.
With his pants not yet clearing his knees he playfull pounced on me. “If I knew there was an audience, I could have at least danced a little,” he joked. I stifled back laughter, pushing him away. He rolled out of bed and replaced his pants around his hips, but left them unzipped.
“Your son hijacked my bed,” I explained.
“If you want you can always share mine,” he offered. “I’m not Will,” he quickly added, “but I am warm.” It had taken a long time to forgive him and I still wasn’t sure what I felt. Moments of comfort spent in his company made me doubt I only wanted to be his friend, but I often walked away feeling guilty as if I’m cheating on Will. That usually gave way to anger at myself.Of course that too would morph into something else as I reminded myself that no matter what I thought I felt, Carl and Rick had Lori and I could never hold a candle to her memory.
He sat down on his own bed as I chewed my lip, trying to figure out what I was supposed to decide to do. Silence gave way to his soft sleeping breath and still sleep eluded me. Once I realized I wanted to accept his offer I had to struggle with new dilemmas. Maybe his offer lapsed when he fell asleep. Would he find it weird to wake up to my presence? I decided I didn't care and squeezed myself into what little extra space existed in the cot. I felt relieved that he was still wearing his jeans, but even more relieved when he rolled over and draped an arm across my stomach. For a brief moment I felt a pang of guilt that he probably mistook me for his wife, but soon enough the warmth of being nestled up next to somebody pulled my drowsy mind off to sleep.
“You know, if you have to go you can go.” He spoke softly so I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I’d heard him correctly. Maybe I’d simply heard what I wanted to hear. My head turned so I could face him, hoping for a sign. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Please just stay a little longer so we can get you supplies. But you can go whenever you want.” I could see his heavy heart etched into his face. Before I could formulate a response, he withdrew his hand and began to walk away, heading out to make a perimeter check. I wanted to catch up, and spill my gratitude and regret, but I could tell by the way his shoulders sagged and he held his head slightly lower that perhaps I should leave him be. Tonight he would need the company I couldn’t provide.
Carl was waiting inside my cell. He sprawled across the bed so I made myself comfortable on the floor. It didn’t take long for a game of War to sprawl between us. I slapped down an eight, which he scooped up with a jack. All the while I skirted around the possibility I would be leaving as we quietly traded more mom stories. Eventually he fell asleep in my bed. Carefully I pulled the shoes off his feet and the cover up over his abdomen. He didn’t even stir as I shut the metal door behind me.
I retreated to the cell he shared with his father, unsurprised to find it still empty. I slipped into a bed, ready to fall asleep, but my mind had different plans. I was lost in thought when I sensed somebody else was present. My body tensed up at the realization I wasn’t alone, but he didn’t seem to take notice of my existence. I gradually relaxed as I secretly watched him move. Wearily he sat at the edge of the bed and removed his left boot, then the right. His fingers worked one button loose after another until his overshirt could be slipped off his shoulders.
It wasn’t until he stood up and fumbled with the clasp of his holster that I noticed my heart beating frantically inside its cage. Awkwardly, I repositioned myself as loudly as I could in the bed, trying to pretend I’d been asleep but wanting him to know I was there. I’m not sure if he assumed I was his son or if he knew it was me but proceeded anyway. Regardless, I watched raptly as he got rid of the holster and set to work on his jeans. This time I cleared my throat. Rick turned towards me, to all appearances looking startled. Then he caught me by surprise.
With his pants not yet clearing his knees he playfull pounced on me. “If I knew there was an audience, I could have at least danced a little,” he joked. I stifled back laughter, pushing him away. He rolled out of bed and replaced his pants around his hips, but left them unzipped.
“Your son hijacked my bed,” I explained.
“If you want you can always share mine,” he offered. “I’m not Will,” he quickly added, “but I am warm.” It had taken a long time to forgive him and I still wasn’t sure what I felt. Moments of comfort spent in his company made me doubt I only wanted to be his friend, but I often walked away feeling guilty as if I’m cheating on Will. That usually gave way to anger at myself.Of course that too would morph into something else as I reminded myself that no matter what I thought I felt, Carl and Rick had Lori and I could never hold a candle to her memory.
He sat down on his own bed as I chewed my lip, trying to figure out what I was supposed to decide to do. Silence gave way to his soft sleeping breath and still sleep eluded me. Once I realized I wanted to accept his offer I had to struggle with new dilemmas. Maybe his offer lapsed when he fell asleep. Would he find it weird to wake up to my presence? I decided I didn't care and squeezed myself into what little extra space existed in the cot. I felt relieved that he was still wearing his jeans, but even more relieved when he rolled over and draped an arm across my stomach. For a brief moment I felt a pang of guilt that he probably mistook me for his wife, but soon enough the warmth of being nestled up next to somebody pulled my drowsy mind off to sleep.