Status: Sorry.
Agonium
013
"You shouldn't be worried about that, Lovi."
She wraps her arms around my frame, and Mom pulls me into a deep hug. She's pressing soft, little kisses to the top of my head, and I feel as maybe I will be okay.
Dad's asleep in the back bedroom, and Mom says to be quiet. If I'm loud, then he'll get angry, and I couldn't risk hurting the baby. I've decided that Mom looks beautiful pregnant, and I want her to stay this way forever.
She doesn't look pregnant yet; her stomach isn't swollen, but she's beaming as I cuddle with both her and our baby. We are a lucky family.
I love her, but there's still tears in my eyes, and I can barely look at her. Her hair is so short, gelled up to point in every direction. The baby will be special just like Mom is.
"I'm still afraid of what comes after," I admit and I bury my head in her chest. "Won't it be just dark? I don't want that. I think it'll be just like sleeping, but you won't be able to wake up. Isn't that what happens? I wanna wake up, Mommy, I'm scared." I'm crying again, and she pets my hair. I've always been so proud that I have her hair color. I'm proud that I look like my mom.
"Lovi, listen to me." Her voice is firm, but it's layered with comfort and attention. Mom runs a thumb across my cheek, brushing my tears away. "You have to live one day at a time. Honestly, no one knows what happens after death, and that's why it is so important to live your life. You have to be happy. You have to make all the uncertainty in your life beautiful. Fall in love, hug your family, do whatever makes you smile. Trust me, Lovi, if you live well enough, it won't matter what death is like." Her eyes are so, so blue. They are raw, but they love me. They are filled with empathy, and they are here for me. It seems that she keeps my gaze for minutes.
I don't feel scared anymore.
I never stopped loving her because of that one moment. That one moment where my mother was the strongest, wisest thing in my life. She made me feel okay, but I'm not okay anymore.
There's nothing good in my life.
I'm more afraid of living than dying at this point.
She wraps her arms around my frame, and Mom pulls me into a deep hug. She's pressing soft, little kisses to the top of my head, and I feel as maybe I will be okay.
Dad's asleep in the back bedroom, and Mom says to be quiet. If I'm loud, then he'll get angry, and I couldn't risk hurting the baby. I've decided that Mom looks beautiful pregnant, and I want her to stay this way forever.
She doesn't look pregnant yet; her stomach isn't swollen, but she's beaming as I cuddle with both her and our baby. We are a lucky family.
I love her, but there's still tears in my eyes, and I can barely look at her. Her hair is so short, gelled up to point in every direction. The baby will be special just like Mom is.
"I'm still afraid of what comes after," I admit and I bury my head in her chest. "Won't it be just dark? I don't want that. I think it'll be just like sleeping, but you won't be able to wake up. Isn't that what happens? I wanna wake up, Mommy, I'm scared." I'm crying again, and she pets my hair. I've always been so proud that I have her hair color. I'm proud that I look like my mom.
"Lovi, listen to me." Her voice is firm, but it's layered with comfort and attention. Mom runs a thumb across my cheek, brushing my tears away. "You have to live one day at a time. Honestly, no one knows what happens after death, and that's why it is so important to live your life. You have to be happy. You have to make all the uncertainty in your life beautiful. Fall in love, hug your family, do whatever makes you smile. Trust me, Lovi, if you live well enough, it won't matter what death is like." Her eyes are so, so blue. They are raw, but they love me. They are filled with empathy, and they are here for me. It seems that she keeps my gaze for minutes.
I don't feel scared anymore.
***
I never stopped loving her because of that one moment. That one moment where my mother was the strongest, wisest thing in my life. She made me feel okay, but I'm not okay anymore.
There's nothing good in my life.
I'm more afraid of living than dying at this point.
♠ ♠ ♠
I spend so much time in the school library writing this. I bet I look like an average, every day, dork.