Nyctophilia

I had realized that I found a lot of comfort being in a pitch black room. During the day, I liked to just sit in the bathroom with the light turned off. Not even when I was angry or sad; I just felt good being in the dark. It was odd though because as a child I used to fear the dark places. My fear continued until I was nine years old, I was terrified of being anywhere that was even partially dark.

I used to ask people why I felt this odd comfort in the dark. Was it psychological? Maybe spiritual? Or maybe there was an explanation based on science? Did someone else love pitch blackness? When I asked my few friends at school, they said I was weird, and they never talked to me since then. Only one of them took me seriously and tried to help me, Martha.

‘’If you seek to spend too much time in the dark, you are more likely running away or indulging in some dysfunctional behavior. So be careful about extended periods in the dark. Physiologically the dark should make you sleepy. If you aren't feeling sleepy after hours in the dark, something is probably dysfunctional,’’ was what she had said, and till this day I never forgot her words.

Darkness caused me to calm down and making this awful world go away. I liked the dark. Pitch dark, and that was because I wasn’t able to see anything and I felt safe because of it. I didn't like medium dark, though, because I could see other things in the area. I also liked closed spaces for the same reason. They made me feel safe and warm. The dark was a peaceful place. There was nothing to harm me there, so it was like a portal to serenity.

Reality made me feel fear. Thanks to my abusive father, I was afraid to even breathe. I had to keep my mouth shut and hide in my room. With the lights turned off, I hoped he’d let me sleep and won’t mark my young body with scars that would need a lot time to heal, only to be replaced with new ones later on. I just hoped for a better tomorrow and darkness was my only savior.

Darkness was my only real friend and the only thing which helped me. The darkness danced around me making me feel free like a bird flying on the sky. I was able to actually breathe again and move on. And as the years passed I had gotten a hold of my life. Never again would I let someone abuse me because my life was my own and darkness my eternal friend.