Drunken Moon

"What the fuck do you want?" Carol mumbled, as she wiped her tears away and fixed her makeup in the dingy bathroom mirror.

For once, her seemingly perfect facade was lifted and she seemed vulnerable and delicate. I knew how it felt to sit in a bathroom and cry over Vic, so I decided it was in my hands to talk to her.

"Listen, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but you guys seemed fine just a few minutes ago..." I started, wondering what to say next. "I guess-I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. I'm here to talk to you if you want to, I get that it's a bit weird but I promise it doesn't have to be-"

"You," she spat out, venomously, "We fought about you. You are the only issue in our otherwise perfect relationship."

I was a little hurt and taken aback, but I continued to act like the bigger person. "I'm so sorry, I honestly had no idea-"

"Oh yeah? Cause the way he stares at you longingly isn't a tip-off?"

"Carol, he's stopped talking to me entirely. A move that I suppose he did because he wanted to be respectful of you, don't you see that? We're definitely not as close as we were, which is good! It means he's trying-"

"Yeah, but he shouldn't have to 'try' Niki. The fact that he has to try to stay away from you means he's not ready to be normal with you..." she said, finally talking to me like a normal person rather than being snappy. "It means he's clearly not over you."

"I don't know about that," I said, "Honestly, the few conversations we've had since I've been back have all led to fights. I doubt that's a good sign."

She sighed and turned to look at me, giving up on fixing her face in the mirror. "You have no idea what it feels like to be the second option, Niki."

I gulped down a huge wad of guilt as I mumbled, "Trust me, I really, really do."

*

In the week that followed I felt a bit more like myself- more upbeat, more positive, more optimistic about things. People definitely noticed the change in me and tried their best to ensure that it lasted. I was a lot more cheery when I was at the Merch tent, I was a lot more cheery all around. The weird black hole in me still existed, but I had learned how to channel it better now. I would reserve all thoughts about my mother for the few minutes before I fell asleep, sometimes it would keep me up and I would cry every now and then. But for the most part, I had regained a good handle on my feelings once again. I was balanced once more, and it was a relief because for a few months there I really did think I had lost myself.

I started going on runs early in the morning to get all of my aggression out and it made me a calmer person. Now, even if I was around Vic and Carol, I didn't feel that burning sensation in my chest anymore. I stopped snapping at people and being moody.

As I was walking out of the bus one night after a particularly good show, I felt a pair of hands around me.

"Jack," I smiled to myself as he put his arm around my shoulder and walked with me.

"Niki, how's it going dude?" he asked.

"Never better," I said, smiling up at him.

"Well...I'm glad," he said, and from the look on his face I could tell he looked genuinely happy for me.

"So, the guys are about to head out drinking, come with?"

I nodded, "Yeah, yeah I will. Just gimme a sec to change? I've been in these clothes all day," I said.

"Yeah, I'll wait for you," he said, as I jumped back on to our bus and headed straight to my suitcase to change.

I was feeling particularly spunky and by some stroke of luck, this venue had showers so I had shaved my legs in the morning. I decided on a strapless black dress- simple and light enough to wear on a humid day. I popped on some gladiators and grabbed my purse. As I was about to head out, I ran smack into Vic and Carol.

"Hey, where're you going?" Carol asked.

"I'm just going out for drinks with All Time Low," I said.

I noticed Vic's face fall just a bit as he soaked that in, he told Carol to go ahead and she walked into the back lounge.

He put both arms on my shoulders and gave me a concerned look, "You're going out drinking with Jack?"

"Um...yeah?"

"Didn't I tell you how I felt about him, Niks? I thought you laid off him after the wedding," he said, curtly.

"No, I was just busy so I didn't have much time to hang out with him. I didn't 'lay off' him and I won't," I said, stubbornly crossing my arms.

Vic sighed, "What do you expect to get out of this friendship, anyways? We all know he has the hots for you and he's not going to look past it."

"So what if he does, dude?" I asked, raising my voice a bit and then lowering it, realizing Carol was a few feet away.

I lowered my voice to a whisper, saying, "Look, I really don't think you should be telling me who I can and can't hang out with when you dumped me and your girlfriend is sitting in the very next room."

"You know what? Fine," he said, throwing his arms up in the air, "Do what you want, but I'm not consoling you when the guy screws you over."

"I didn't expect you to," I said, walking away.

"Wait-" Vic called.

"What now?"

"Can-uh, can we come with you?" he asked, sheepishly.

A little taken aback, I answered slowly, "Yeah, sure Vic, you can come."

And that was how I ended up in the Ladies room of a sketchy bar, consoling Carol as she sobbed uncontrollably about Vic. Apparently the entire time they were there, he was simply staring at Jack and me and ignoring Carol completely. That, coupled with him doing similar things in the past caused her to snap and start a fight over me. The fight got pretty ugly. I couldn't hear much, but I did distinctly hear her use the words "slut" and "two-faced bitch" which I assumed was in reference to me. Yet, somehow, I couldn't find it in me to let her cry by herself in the smelly bathroom. I suppose this was another step in the direction of me finding myself again. I was never one to leave someone alone when they were down, no matter who that happened to be.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Carol mumbled into my chest, as she continued to hug me and cry into my shoulder.

I shrugged, "I honestly don't know, but I think it's because if Vic was removed from the situation, we might have been friends. I wouldn't leave you alone in here..."

She pulled apart from me and wiped the mascara that had run down her face again. "Thanks, Niki. This makes me feel horrible for all those things I said about you."

"You were angry," I reasoned, "I'd probably do the same," I lied.

Suddenly, she laughed. I smiled with her, wondering what the hell she was on.

"I'm sorry, you probably think I'm so weird. I just...I never thought I'd be that girl that cries over a guy in a bathroom stall," she said.

"Wow, tell me about it," I said, realizing we had a lot more in common than we thought. "I guess this is growing up, huh?"

"Guess so," she said, smiling as she sniffled a bit.

I suppose it would be weird to see us two walking out of the bathroom, arm in arm smiling about something considering the situation. The guys certainly didn't even try to hide the confusion in their expressions, all of their mouths agape. Vic shot me a hurried anxious look, before grabbing Carol and walking her outside to talk. I sat back in my seat next to Jack, he looked at me with caution.

"What the hell happened in there?" he asked, saying each word slowly, with shock.

I shrugged, "We just...talked. Apparently I was the cause for the fight, so I apologized and she cried for a bit and it was fine."

Jack gave me a dumbfounded look before taking a huge swig of his wine. "I'll need to be way drunker than I am to get that..."

"Tell me about it," I said, finally getting back to my Scotch.

Later on in the night, when I was pretty buzzed and was goofing off with Jack, playing with his hair and calling him a skunk, he pulled me on to his lap. I put my arm around his shoulder and nuzzled closer to him, half unaware of whether this was real or a dream.

"Vic might castrate me for getting this close to you," he smiled, withholding himself and keeping a few inches between our faces.

"Wh-why can't I go a day, like a single fucking day, without Vic being the focal point of my existence?" I slurred, "I'm my own person Jack," I said.

"You're your own person, and that person happens to be a bottle down and getting kinda frisky," he laughed, "I'm trying to be a gentleman here."

"Don't," I said, looking straight into his eyes, almost willing him to make a move, just to see whether or not he would.

"Niki..."

"No," I shook my head, "I really got to thinking about it, Jack, and I like you. I'm sorry I had to be drunk to tell you that but yeah, I do."

Suddenly, my consciousness kicked in and my heart started racing, realizing what my intoxicated mouth had just let slip. I continued to look him in the face and he looked me head-on, a look of slight shock in his face.

"Well, you know how I feel about you, Niki. I think I've made it pretty crystal clear," he said, putting his arms around my waist, a hint of confidence in his motions now.

I giggled, holding on to his face, pecking his nose. Before I could move back, he grabbed my lips in a kiss. He kissed me for a few seconds and I could feel the smile behind his kiss, it made me feel so happy, I felt like I could burst. I put my arms around him, leaning into him. We broke apart and he pecked my lips a few times.

"I'm so fucking happy right now, Niki," he whispered into my lips.

I nodded, "You have no idea!"