Status: active :)
Echoes
II
The day after I've had one of those nightmares always ends up being unpleasant to some degree. I'm at the same time tired and on edge and I stumble through the day, snapping at my co-workers and friends and counting down the hours until I can crawl back to my flat and down the nearest alcoholic substance, chain-smoking myself into oblivion.
I'm in the middle of this, vodka coke in one hand, cigarette in the other, when I hear a knock at the door. After a year of relative safety I have let my guard down some and so think nothing of setting my drink down and throwing open the door without even checking who's there. Immediately I wish I had, because this is not my roommate having forgotten his keys again or a friend coming round for a drink or even the landlord asking where the hell the rent is. This ghost of a man before me belongs to my past, an area which I'd tightly locked up in the back of my head and vowed never to revisit. This person especially was someone I did not ever want to see again.
He stares at me for a second, confused.
"...Carrie?"
I don't want to give him enough time to work out if it is me or not so I slam the door as quickly as possible, or at least I try to; he sticks his foot in the gap between the frame and the door at the last second. Despite the situation his cry of pain brings a small, vindictive smile to my face as I stand there terrified, my blood pounding in my ears. Said smile is quickly wiped off by said person using his weight to push his way through until he is standing in the hall, staring at me in complete surprise.
"Who the hell do you think you are, barging into my apartment like this?" I ask, in a desperate attempt to convince him I am not myself. I look so different to before, I hope that if I feign ignorance maybe he might think it isn't me after all.
"Carrie? Carrie Ryan? Don't you remember me? It's Alex!" I stub my cigarette out on the nearest ashtray and take a second to survey him before I reply. He's taller and skinnier than he used to be and almost sickly pale, dark shadows circle his eyes. Despite that he is still as attractive as ever, with messy chestnut coloured hair, a strong jawline and piercing green eyes. I remember my sickly sweet crush I had and quickly push the vomit inducing thought aside. I replace it with anger.
"Who the fuck is Carrie?!" I snarl, running a hand through my hair to disguise the uncontrollable trembling. For a moment I think that maybe I have won. His manner is hesitant, troubled. His hands twitch limply at his sides but then the fog of confusion lifts and his expression becomes one of complete clarity.
"Do you think I wouldn't recognise you?" He asks, his voice incredulous. "The Carrie I knew wouldn't have swore, but the way you speak is the same. You look different but not different enough that you'd be able to fool me into thinking it's not you. I'm not- I'm not an idiot!" Damn it. My hands are still shaking uncontrollably and clenching them into fists does little to disguise this.
"Congratulations, you saw through my clever disguise, now what do you want?" I try to keep my voice level but it breaks right at the end. If he notices he doesn't show it.
"Is there somewhere we could go to talk properly? I've got a few things to say and it'd be better if we weren't just standing in the hallway." Not trusting my voice to not betray me again I nod shakily, and lead him into the kitchen. I'd rather have the conversation in the hall but I desperately need to sit down, my head feels unusually faint.
Alex takes a seat opposite me as I reach for my glass and drain it, hoping for some dutch courage. Glancing at the half filled bottle of vodka on the table and raising an eyebrow he goes to speak before I interrupt him. I have things I've been burning to say to him ever since that night and if I don't say them now I doubt I ever will.
"Look if you've come to apologise for that night - don't bother. I really don't give a shit about your apology because it's not worth the dirt on my shoe-" my voice is unintentionally rising until almost a shout; I close my eyes and take a second to collect myself. "I came to you that night because you were one of my closest friends and I needed someone to talk to, to talk me out of leaving or to tell me it was going to be okay. But no. Instead I got -" I am about to tell him about the two diagonal, jagged scars running down the right side of my face deftly hidden with makeup and my hair, the reminder of my past that I can never, ever get rid of, when I stop.
I don't want him to know that damage he caused me, I don't want him to know that he beat me in a most permanent form.
"Got what?" He asks softly.
"Got hurt." I finish lamely, reaching for the bottle of vodka and taking a large swig. It burns as it makes its way down my throat and my eyes water, but it gives me something to focus on apart from the subject of my nightmares sitting across from me.
"Carrie, even though you don't want to hear it, part of the reason I came here was to apologise to you. I'm so sorry about what happened that night. A part of me even thought that you ran- that you left because of-"
"Because of you? Sorry to inform you but you were the least of my problems," I spit, reaching for the bottle again before deciding against it. If I'm going to be able to hold my own against him I'll need a clear head and already the alcohol is making everything a little fuzzy around the edges. At least the shaking has stopped. My hands, now steady, rest on the table top.
"Yes because of me. I'm glad that wasn't the reason but still, even if it wasn't it doesn't excuse what I did either. I liked you a lot Carrie and realising that I'd hurt you was so painful. That night I was having a breakdown, I didn't know it at the time but I was really ill. I'm better now though." He doesn't look better, he seems like a shell of the person I used to know, but I say nothing. "Almost, anyway. I'm going to try my very hardest to make it up to you, but it's not the only reason that I'm here."
"Why are you here then?" I ask, though I already know the answer. All at once my heart is thudding loudly and my hands are shaking again and I quickly hide them under the table.
"I'm here to take you home."
I'm in the middle of this, vodka coke in one hand, cigarette in the other, when I hear a knock at the door. After a year of relative safety I have let my guard down some and so think nothing of setting my drink down and throwing open the door without even checking who's there. Immediately I wish I had, because this is not my roommate having forgotten his keys again or a friend coming round for a drink or even the landlord asking where the hell the rent is. This ghost of a man before me belongs to my past, an area which I'd tightly locked up in the back of my head and vowed never to revisit. This person especially was someone I did not ever want to see again.
He stares at me for a second, confused.
"...Carrie?"
I don't want to give him enough time to work out if it is me or not so I slam the door as quickly as possible, or at least I try to; he sticks his foot in the gap between the frame and the door at the last second. Despite the situation his cry of pain brings a small, vindictive smile to my face as I stand there terrified, my blood pounding in my ears. Said smile is quickly wiped off by said person using his weight to push his way through until he is standing in the hall, staring at me in complete surprise.
"Who the hell do you think you are, barging into my apartment like this?" I ask, in a desperate attempt to convince him I am not myself. I look so different to before, I hope that if I feign ignorance maybe he might think it isn't me after all.
"Carrie? Carrie Ryan? Don't you remember me? It's Alex!" I stub my cigarette out on the nearest ashtray and take a second to survey him before I reply. He's taller and skinnier than he used to be and almost sickly pale, dark shadows circle his eyes. Despite that he is still as attractive as ever, with messy chestnut coloured hair, a strong jawline and piercing green eyes. I remember my sickly sweet crush I had and quickly push the vomit inducing thought aside. I replace it with anger.
"Who the fuck is Carrie?!" I snarl, running a hand through my hair to disguise the uncontrollable trembling. For a moment I think that maybe I have won. His manner is hesitant, troubled. His hands twitch limply at his sides but then the fog of confusion lifts and his expression becomes one of complete clarity.
"Do you think I wouldn't recognise you?" He asks, his voice incredulous. "The Carrie I knew wouldn't have swore, but the way you speak is the same. You look different but not different enough that you'd be able to fool me into thinking it's not you. I'm not- I'm not an idiot!" Damn it. My hands are still shaking uncontrollably and clenching them into fists does little to disguise this.
"Congratulations, you saw through my clever disguise, now what do you want?" I try to keep my voice level but it breaks right at the end. If he notices he doesn't show it.
"Is there somewhere we could go to talk properly? I've got a few things to say and it'd be better if we weren't just standing in the hallway." Not trusting my voice to not betray me again I nod shakily, and lead him into the kitchen. I'd rather have the conversation in the hall but I desperately need to sit down, my head feels unusually faint.
Alex takes a seat opposite me as I reach for my glass and drain it, hoping for some dutch courage. Glancing at the half filled bottle of vodka on the table and raising an eyebrow he goes to speak before I interrupt him. I have things I've been burning to say to him ever since that night and if I don't say them now I doubt I ever will.
"Look if you've come to apologise for that night - don't bother. I really don't give a shit about your apology because it's not worth the dirt on my shoe-" my voice is unintentionally rising until almost a shout; I close my eyes and take a second to collect myself. "I came to you that night because you were one of my closest friends and I needed someone to talk to, to talk me out of leaving or to tell me it was going to be okay. But no. Instead I got -" I am about to tell him about the two diagonal, jagged scars running down the right side of my face deftly hidden with makeup and my hair, the reminder of my past that I can never, ever get rid of, when I stop.
I don't want him to know that damage he caused me, I don't want him to know that he beat me in a most permanent form.
"Got what?" He asks softly.
"Got hurt." I finish lamely, reaching for the bottle of vodka and taking a large swig. It burns as it makes its way down my throat and my eyes water, but it gives me something to focus on apart from the subject of my nightmares sitting across from me.
"Carrie, even though you don't want to hear it, part of the reason I came here was to apologise to you. I'm so sorry about what happened that night. A part of me even thought that you ran- that you left because of-"
"Because of you? Sorry to inform you but you were the least of my problems," I spit, reaching for the bottle again before deciding against it. If I'm going to be able to hold my own against him I'll need a clear head and already the alcohol is making everything a little fuzzy around the edges. At least the shaking has stopped. My hands, now steady, rest on the table top.
"Yes because of me. I'm glad that wasn't the reason but still, even if it wasn't it doesn't excuse what I did either. I liked you a lot Carrie and realising that I'd hurt you was so painful. That night I was having a breakdown, I didn't know it at the time but I was really ill. I'm better now though." He doesn't look better, he seems like a shell of the person I used to know, but I say nothing. "Almost, anyway. I'm going to try my very hardest to make it up to you, but it's not the only reason that I'm here."
"Why are you here then?" I ask, though I already know the answer. All at once my heart is thudding loudly and my hands are shaking again and I quickly hide them under the table.
"I'm here to take you home."
♠ ♠ ♠
Feedback is loved :3I started writing in one tense during this chapter then decided I didn't like it and switched, then switched back again so if you notice any mistakes, let me know please? :)