Fear of Flying

Kellin.

I was finally heading home today and I couldn’t be happier. All I wanted to do was get on this plane, head home, and relax into the arms of my boyfriend, maybe eat some food, but mostly just cuddle and sleep. For a month I’d been away on business and it was complete torture. It’s not that I minded traveling, because I didn’t, it was that when I left I was also leaving behind the most important person to me.

Vic.

Vic and I had been together for two years and I knew that he would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I had every intention on proposing to him, I just wanted to wait for the right moment. Part of me thought that one of these trips would give me the perfect opportunity, but that never happened.

Being in a new place, alone, with only your work friends can become a bit depressing. Everything is unfamiliar and all of the cool and exciting places seem boring and horribly sad when the person you want to experience them with is missing. At night sometimes it felt like he was sleeping there beside me, wrapped up warmly in my arms and when I woke, it was like a punch in the gut to see the empty space next to me.

I always invited Vic to come on trips with me. He was a graphic designer so he could work from anywhere. I talked it up a lot, saying it would be like a vacation. We’d go to a brand new place neither one of us has been before and we’d go on an adventure, make love under the stars somewhere in Paris, enjoy our time away from home when I wasn’t working. But he always declined, making up some excuse. He could lie all he wanted, but I knew his reasons. I knew the truth. My Vic had a fear of flying.

Every time I left to go on a trip, he’d try and stop me. He said it was because he would miss me, but I knew the bigger part of it was because he was afraid I wouldn’t return. Vic’s fears were one of the things I loved about him. I know that doesn’t sound romantic at all, but his fears were little parts of him that I found endearing. It let me know that underneath it all, he was still human.

See, Vic has this way of trying to make himself seem perfect. He tries to cover up every flaw, hide every fear, and keep up a winning attitude, but there were moments throughout our relationship where he let that armor crack and exposed to me the deepest secrets that he had. Some of his secrets were dark and scary, like the time he told me he tried to take his life in middle school. After that, I worried about him, but I knew he wouldn’t revert back to those ways. The urges were still there, but he had a control on them.

Other secrets were cute and adorable. Like how he admitted to me on our first Christmas Eve that he still wears a certain pair of character pajamas to bed so he can wake up and open presents in them. Or how the one time he let a burp slip out after he drank a soda and he said he had a habit of not being able to contain his burps after drinking something carbonated.

Each new, no matter how little, thing I learned about him only made me fall in love with him more. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life showing him that he was perfect. Flaws and all.

As I reached my gate, thoughts of Vic drifted out of my mind as I noticed our plane was already there and boarding. I should have been checking my phone to make sure the plane was on time, but like always, I left it off and in my pocket. With a shrug I walked forward, handing the woman my boarding pass. She offered me a warm smile and then I was off to the aircraft.

“19 F.” I read aloud, making my way through the plane and spotting my seat. A woman in the aisle smiled, standing up so I could get through. I always preferred window seats. Being in the middle was an unnecessary confinement I didn’t want on a 6-hour flight and the aisle always gave me chills.

After sitting I began looking out the window. In just a matter of hours I’d be home. I smiled to myself, taking out my gum and stowing my items under the seat preparing for our departure.

Flying never scared me. Not like it did Vic, anyway. Sometimes the turbulence made me a little nervous, but for the most part I found it relaxing. I could sleep; yet still make it to my destination without worrying.

Once again my mind returned to Vic and all of the things I couldn’t wait to do to him. Sure, I had stories to tell, but it’s been a month since I’ve had any physical contact. I just wanted him.

As I let my iPod play, the music flowed through me and I rested my head back, closing my eyes. Hopefully when I woke up we’d be much closer to San Diego.



I woke up about three hours later to the sounds of screaming and crying. Something I was certainly not expecting. Looking around, I noticed that the crew was bustling about in a panic and immediately fear shot through me. This couldn’t be happening.

I looked over to the man next to me, trying to wrap my head around the situation. He had his hand gripped tightly on the armrest and I could hear him chanting something quietly and that’s when it really hit me. This plane was about to crash.

Before I could react, the captain came on, his voice shaky and nervous as he spoke. “Ladies and gentlemen…” He sounded unsure as his words flowed through the speakers. I could feel my chest tighten. No, this wasn’t real. I was still asleep. I had to be. “We’ve encountered a bit of a problem.” Problem? What kind of problem? “We’ve tried our best, but we can’t find the source of the trouble. Our engines are going down and we can’t get them back up.” He then said.

No.

“At this time we are allowing cell phones if you want to make a last minute phone call. You will get service seeing as how we are at a low level.” And then he was gone. I don’t know if the speaker cut off or if he just left, but there was silence.

It took me a moment to grasp what was going on, but the second I did I shakily retrieved my phone from my pocket and powered it on. It took only a few seconds to turn on and I wasted no time in dialing Vic’s number. I took a deep breath, hoping that he wouldn’t answer. The last thing I wanted was for him to hear the commotion live.

It rang a few times before finally going to voicemail and I let out the breath I was holding. I listened to his greeting, smiling at his voice, that beautiful voice, for the last time. “Hey, Vic.” I began, choking back the tears that threatened to spill out. “It’s me.” This was going to be the hardest thing I had to do. Part of me really didn’t want to call, but the other, more emotional side of me knew that I couldn’t go without saying goodbye to the love of my life one last time. “I just want you to know that I love you.” I started. I’m sure that once he played this message by the time I got to those words he would know what had happened. It was now or never. I didn’t know how much time I had.

“These past two years have been the best two years of my entire life. And it’s all because of you. Everything you do Vic, is absolutely amazing. You have brought meaning to my life in more ways than one. Never before did I ever imagine that I’d fall in love the way I fell in love with you. From the first moment I laid eyes on you I knew that you were going to be someone special to me. I still remember the first time you kissed me. I had never felt lips so soft. And they fit so well with mine. Meeting you was the day that my life really started. I found myself smitten with your every detail. Your hair and the way it flowed over your shoulders. Your arms and the way they wrapped tightly around me. Your voice and how it was the most calming thing I’d ever heard. That little nose ring that stuck out and made you seem so, so sexy. Your everything. It was all so perfect. Just like you. And I never want you to forget how perfect you are, Vic. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to have troubles, but don’t hide them. Don’t pretend like they don’t matter. Because they do. Because you do. You matter, Vic. And you will always matter.”

By now my sobs were starting to get heavy, and the screams around me were getting louder, but I wasn’t done. “I remember the first time we said I love you. Of course, I said it first. We were out at the club with your friends. The rest of them were dancing and you were sitting next to me at the bar, moving your head along to the beat of the music. I looked over at you and that’s when I knew that I loved you and I was so happy to call you mine. You looked over at me, connecting your eyes with mine. And I said it. ‘I love you’. You smiled at me and repeated it back before crashing your lips onto mine in a passionate kiss. From then on you only continued on making me the happiest guy in the world.”

The plane started to shake and I could feel us losing momentum, so I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to finish my speech before I was cut off. “My plane is going to crash, babe.” I choked out, letting the tears fall. “And I just want you to know that you have become my world, Victor. I love you with all of my heart. I always have. And I always will. I want you to know that it’s okay to move on, when the timing is right. Don’t fall back to your old ways. Don’t you dare do that. You have to continue, okay? Keep moving forward. I promise that things won’t be bad forever. I love you so much. And I’m so, so happy that you chose me. You could have had anyone in the world and you picked me.” I closed my eyes, knowing that this was it. I had to end the call. “You’re my everything. I love you.” The plane dropped again, taking my stomach with it. Just a few more words and I could hang up. “Just remember,” I started. “This isn’t goodbye. This is until next time.”

And with that I hung up the phone, tossing it aside as I clung to the bracelet on my wrist. The one that Vic gave to me on our anniversary last year. At that moment I had never been so happy that Vic had refused to come on this trip with me. I couldn’t bare the thought of him being a part of this. Not having him by my side was fine because he was somewhere safe. The plane spun out of control and I closed my eyes, grasping the silver chain tightly. At least when I went down, I’d have this little piece of Vic with me.

Vic.

Every time Kellin had to go away, I begged him not to. I would miss him, of course, but I just didn’t want him to get on a plane. Last night he called, just like he always did before coming home and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow!” It was one of his favorite things to do and it always made me smile because no matter how many times he went away, he always called to say that.

I had just got home from grocery shopping. Since Kellin would be back tonight and it’s been a month since I’ve seen him, I decided I would do something special. I rarely ever cooked because I was so afraid that the food tasted horrible. Even though every time, Kellin assured me it wasn’t.

Before starting, I ran up to our bedroom to grab my phone. I was on it all last night checking Kellin’s flight information and I forgot to put it on the charger before falling asleep. Upon picking it up I noticed I had a missed call from Kellin and a voicemail. Immediately I sighed, thinking he’d been delayed again. It’s happened on more than one occasion.

I brought the phone up to my ear and hit play to listen to his message. The first thing I heard was static and then him speaking. “Hey, Vic. It’s me.” He sounded sad, but not the usual ‘I’m stuck at the airport sad’. It sounded serious. “I just want you to know that I love you.” And then I heard it, the screaming in the background. That mixed with Kellin’s words had me collapsing on the ground. I knew exactly what was happening.

Tears started pouring from eyes and I felt my chest tighten in pain. I grabbed at the floor, slamming my hands down onto it as hard as I could. The pain radiated down my arm, but I didn’t care. It was nothing compared to the heart crushing voicemail I had just received. I continued to listen to his message as best I could, but my sobs were getting louder and louder with each sentence he spoke. It felt like I couldn’t breathe as I turned over so I was laying on my back, grabbing at my chest.

I listened as he talked about our first kiss and the first time we met. I listened as he called me perfect and told me that I mattered. At that point I wanted to give up. I know he told me stay strong and hold on, but I felt like I couldn’t. Kellin was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Losing him would be like losing myself. Without him I didn’t make sense. I didn’t have the energy to get up from the floor so I laid there, listening as he spoke the last words he’d ever speak to me.

When I first met Kellin I was still in a pretty bad place, but he managed to pull me out of it. He knew about my attempt when I was 13. He was the only person, besides my brother, that I ever told about it. And instead of judging me or thinking I was some messed up kid, he held me and he told me exactly what he was saying on the phone now. “You matter, Vic. And you will always matter.”

I listened as he recalled the story on when we first exchanged ‘I love you’s’. That was the best night of my life. I’d been waiting to tell him for a while, but I was afraid that he’d reject me. I didn’t always have the best self-confidence. But that night at the bar he turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said it. My stomach erupted with butterflies and a soft warmth spread through my body. Kellin loved me. And I loved him.

I would always love him.

Then he said it. Those words I had been dreading to hear. “My plane is going to crash, babe.” I felt my heart drop and more tears made their way down my cheeks. I turned to my side, sobbing into the cold, wooden floor as his voice filled my ears. He told me he loved me again. He told me to hold on. That things were going to get better. He told me that it was okay for me to move on, but honestly, I didn’t see that happening. I’d hold on for him, but I know I’d never be able to find anyone else that made me feel the way Kellin did. I tried to compose myself because I wanted to hear everything he said. “You’re my everything. I love you.” He was my everything, too. And now my everything was being ripped away from me.

I could tell that he was about to end the call. There was a change in his voice. One thing about Kellin was that he was not the emotional one in our relationship. I was. He liked to keep calm and hold it together and now he wasn’t. That’s how I knew his words were true. He really did love me. “Just remember,” I heard through static as the call started to fade in and out. “This isn’t goodbye.”

“This is until next time.” I said with him. I was never good with goodbyes. ‘Bye’ sounded so forever and permanent and there was nothing good about them. So when he said that to me before one of his trips I threw a fit and he stopped what he was doing and yelled at me, “Fine! This isn’t goodbye! This is until next time!” And I smiled because it was perfect. Then it just became a habit.

The call ended and I lost it, rolling around on the floor in agony. My Kellin, the love of my life, was gone.



That night I didn’t bother to answer my phone. By now the accident was all over the news and everyone had heard. My phone kept going off with calls and text messages, but I ignored everything. At one point my brother even came to check on me, but I didn’t let him in. He just knocked on the door until he eventually got the point and left.

I sat on the couch watching the news deciding that I wanted to hear what others were saying. An image flashed on the screen of Kellin’s plane. It didn’t even look like a plane anymore. It was just mangled material. The anchor spoke up, reading from her script. “Flight 1001 to San Diego crashed this afternoon in the state of Utah. No word has been said on what caused the accident, but investigators are looking into it. There were no survivors.” With that I turned the television off, throwing the remote across the room and making my way back upstairs.

I entered our bedroom and a feeling of sadness washed over me. This room used to be filled with happy memories, but now it felt so empty and cold. I walked over to our closet and pulled out one of Kellin’s jackets. It was the ugly brown one he wore all of the time, and I wrapped myself in it, taking in his scent as I squeezed it closer to my body. I laid down in our bed, moving myself to his side, and willing myself drift off. “Until next time, Kellin.” I said out loud, closing my eyes and welcoming sleep to take me.