The Great Perhaps
one
Planning was what my life was based upon. Schedules, lists, and detailed plans were a way of life for me. With these tools, I was able to map out nearly every aspect of my days, eliminating the possibility of unpleasant surprises and uncomfortable situations. Even better, I was able to have a sense of control over my life. I could trick myself into thinking that my life was actually working out exactly how I wanted it to. It was a strange way of thinking, but it got me by.
But no schedule, list, or detailed plan could eliminate the unpleasant surprise that I had been bulldozed with two days ago. I had been curled up on my couch, munching on microwave popcorn and watching the latest episode of Teen Wolf with rapt attention, my usual Monday night routine, when my cell phone rang. That alone should have been a sign that something strange was about to occur because everyone who usually called me knew not to call when Teen Wolf was on. Despite this, I had checked the caller id to find that my mom was calling me and hastily accepted the call. I was met with sobs and the news that I had been expecting, but not so soon: my dad had lost his battle against prostate cancer.
Now, just a couple of days later after the first surprise, sitting in my parents’ living room, I was being hit with another one.
“Vanessa, I have something to give you,” my mom announced as she returned to the room after a quick trip up to the second floor of the house. “Your dad made me promise to give you this before the funeral.”
I stared at the white envelope in my mom’s outstretched hand. It was long and slim, and had ‘Lovebug’ scribbled across the front of it in my dad’s messy scrawl. Even without opening the envelope, I knew that my dad had left behind some hair brained task for me to complete.
He had been the total opposite of me - always up to experience the unexpected without a plan - and had always tried to get me to do the same. Surely, this letter contained another attempt.
Wordlessly, I took the envelope from my mom and set it down face-up on my lap.
“Do you need me to give you some time alone to read it?” she asked.
I nodded. “If you don’t mind.”
My mom rose from her perch on the couch and with a quick kiss pressed to the top of my curly hair, she left the room.
I was almost afraid to open the letter. I knew that whatever scheme my dad had come up with would involve me doing something out of the norm, breaking my carefully crafted routine. I didn’t want to break that routine, but I knew that if my dad had asked me to do that, I would feel obligated to do it.
After staring down at the letter for a few minutes, I heaved a sigh before gingerly picking up the envelope and tearing the seal. Inside, there was two pieces of paper, one folded, one not. I slid out the folded paper first and opened it. I was met a page full of my dad’s sloppy handwriting. As I stared down at the handwriting that I had seen on the many little notes and long letters that he had left me over the years, I felt tears spring to my eyes.
I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands while letting out a shaky laugh. Of course he would ask me to do something like this.
Remembering that there was another paper in the envelope, I slid it out and nearly screamed when I saw what it was. He had left me check for fifteen thousand dollars to go seek my ‘Great Perhaps.’
“Mom!” I called, jumping up from the couch and hurrying out of the room to find my mom. “Mom, where are you?”
“In the kitchen, baby.”
As soon as I set foot in the kitchen, I bombarded her with questions. “Did you know about this letter? Did you know that he came up with this crazy ‘Great Perhaps’ idea? Did you know that he left me a check for fifteen thousand dollars to go on some adventure? Did you know about any of this?”
She looked up from the stack of papers in front of her on the kitchen table and stared at me for a few moments. Finally, she slowly nodded her head as a small smile pulled at her lips.
“And you went along with it?” I asked, shocked that not only my dad, but also my mom thought that this was a good idea. “Have you lost your mind?”
“I can happily report that I am still sane,” she said with a laugh.
I stared at her, extremely skeptical.
“Nessa, your dad has a point. You’re not happy. You’ve settled into such a mundane life and you’re still so young. If going out on an adventure is what helps you find your better life, then so be it. I just want you to be happy. We both do.”
Tears welled up in my eyes once again. I had worked so hard to put up happy front in order to convince everyone, but most importantly my parents, that I was content with how my life was. Now I was finding out that they had seen through it and were so worried about me that they felt that they had to step in to help me.
“This money could be put to a much better use, though,” I said, my voice becoming thick with tears. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this for me, Mom.”
My mom pushed her chair back from the table and scurried over to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into a hug.
I let my tense body melt into her warm embrace as the sobs that I had been trying to hold in finally came to the surface. Once the first few tears fell, it was pretty much impossible to get them to stop. I cried for everything that was plaguing me: the fact that my dad was gone, the fact that my job wasn’t at all what I wanted to do with my life, the fact that my boyfriend was a scumbag that none of my family or friends actually liked, the fact that I wasn’t sure if I could seek my Great Perhaps because I didn’t even know what it was; everything.
“Now you listen to me and you listen to me good; we want to do this for you. Don’t you dare feel guilty about taking that money. Our daughter’s happiness was the best cause we could think of to spend that money on. Baby, you need to make some changes to your life and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. If you won’t do this for yourself, at least do it for your father,” my mom murmured as she comforted me. “Please.”
“I don’t know how to do it, Momma,” I cried. “I don’t know how to do what Daddy wants me to do and I’m going to let him down.”
“Nessa baby, if there is one thing that I know wholeheartedly, it is that your dad loved you more than I’m even able to explain. There is no way that you could ever let him down. The only thing that you can do is make him even prouder of you than he already is.”
I sucked in a particularly large snot bubble before lifting my head from her chest and locking eyes with her. “Do you mean that?” I asked meekly, sounding like a small child.
She chuckled, “Of course I do. Now promise me you’ll go seek your Great Perhaps?”
For the first time in a long time, I decided to throw caution to the wind and go on an adventure, just like my dad suggested.
“I promise that I will seek my Great Perhaps,” I vowed to my mom with a small smile on my face.
But no schedule, list, or detailed plan could eliminate the unpleasant surprise that I had been bulldozed with two days ago. I had been curled up on my couch, munching on microwave popcorn and watching the latest episode of Teen Wolf with rapt attention, my usual Monday night routine, when my cell phone rang. That alone should have been a sign that something strange was about to occur because everyone who usually called me knew not to call when Teen Wolf was on. Despite this, I had checked the caller id to find that my mom was calling me and hastily accepted the call. I was met with sobs and the news that I had been expecting, but not so soon: my dad had lost his battle against prostate cancer.
Now, just a couple of days later after the first surprise, sitting in my parents’ living room, I was being hit with another one.
“Vanessa, I have something to give you,” my mom announced as she returned to the room after a quick trip up to the second floor of the house. “Your dad made me promise to give you this before the funeral.”
I stared at the white envelope in my mom’s outstretched hand. It was long and slim, and had ‘Lovebug’ scribbled across the front of it in my dad’s messy scrawl. Even without opening the envelope, I knew that my dad had left behind some hair brained task for me to complete.
He had been the total opposite of me - always up to experience the unexpected without a plan - and had always tried to get me to do the same. Surely, this letter contained another attempt.
Wordlessly, I took the envelope from my mom and set it down face-up on my lap.
“Do you need me to give you some time alone to read it?” she asked.
I nodded. “If you don’t mind.”
My mom rose from her perch on the couch and with a quick kiss pressed to the top of my curly hair, she left the room.
I was almost afraid to open the letter. I knew that whatever scheme my dad had come up with would involve me doing something out of the norm, breaking my carefully crafted routine. I didn’t want to break that routine, but I knew that if my dad had asked me to do that, I would feel obligated to do it.
After staring down at the letter for a few minutes, I heaved a sigh before gingerly picking up the envelope and tearing the seal. Inside, there was two pieces of paper, one folded, one not. I slid out the folded paper first and opened it. I was met a page full of my dad’s sloppy handwriting. As I stared down at the handwriting that I had seen on the many little notes and long letters that he had left me over the years, I felt tears spring to my eyes.
Dear Vanessa,
Originally, I planned to make this letter really sappy because I know you’re a sucker for that kind of nonsense. But then I realized that you would probably be expecting that kind of letter, and I’m hoping that I can take you by surprise and do something unexpected. Unfortunately, you know your old man too well and have probably begun to get an idea of what I’m going to ask of you in this letter.
But before I get into all of that, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about me: Most of my life was played by ear and all of my successes were just lucky coincidences. I never planned how I was going to end up in law school or how I was going to open my own law firm or how I was going to meet and marry the love of my life or how I was going to become the parent of the best child on the planet. It all just happened and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You know I love you to pieces, baby, but I must admit that your lists, schedules, and plans always made me so sad. I can imagine the look on your face right now and let me tell you, I probably scared your momma with how hard I laughed at it. You probably think I’ve lost my mind, so let me explain. Your lists, schedules, and plans are holding you back. You probably think they’re helping you keep your life together and that without them, you’d be lost. That’s not at all true. When was the last time you didn’t plan out an activity to a T? When was the last time you just forgot about your schedule and did something for the hell of it? When was the last time you threw caution to the wind and went on an adventure?
Are you truly happy, Vanessa? I don’t think you are. You try to appear to be, but it scares me when I look into your eyes and see the emptiness in them. I miss seeing my happy little girl.
So now you find out what my last, dying wish is (Yes, I did just guilt trip you. If you don’t do what I ask of you, I’ll come haunt you and make you feel really horrible for not listening to your dear ol’ dad). I want you to go on an adventure. I want you to go out and do something that you’ve always wanted to do, but never have because it doesn’t fit into your routine. Go with a friend, go with a lover (Not Jackson, though. I don’t like him. Please dump his sorry ass if you haven’t already, that’s my other last, dying wish), or go alone. Just go.
A few days ago, I read a very interesting quote by some old guy named François Rabelais that, truthfully, I found when I read that Looking For Alaska book that you left behind last time you visited (It’s in the top drawer of my desk in my study if you want it back). As you know, before he died, Rabelais said that he was off to seek the Great Perhaps. Obviously, he was talking about what happens after death, but the Great Perhaps can still be seeked while living.
So here’s one hell of a father-daughter bonding experience that we can have: we can both go seek our Great Perhaps. I want you to go on an adventure and find your true happiness. Meanwhile, I’ll be figuring out whatever it is that happens to us after we die. If it all works out, we’ll both be happy with what we find.
You’re probably crying by now, but I want you to stop. This isn’t the last you’ll hear from me, don’t you worry. Now put a smile on that beautiful face and go seek that Great Perhaps of yours. I hope you’re happy with what you find, lovebug.
Love,
Daddy
Originally, I planned to make this letter really sappy because I know you’re a sucker for that kind of nonsense. But then I realized that you would probably be expecting that kind of letter, and I’m hoping that I can take you by surprise and do something unexpected. Unfortunately, you know your old man too well and have probably begun to get an idea of what I’m going to ask of you in this letter.
But before I get into all of that, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about me: Most of my life was played by ear and all of my successes were just lucky coincidences. I never planned how I was going to end up in law school or how I was going to open my own law firm or how I was going to meet and marry the love of my life or how I was going to become the parent of the best child on the planet. It all just happened and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You know I love you to pieces, baby, but I must admit that your lists, schedules, and plans always made me so sad. I can imagine the look on your face right now and let me tell you, I probably scared your momma with how hard I laughed at it. You probably think I’ve lost my mind, so let me explain. Your lists, schedules, and plans are holding you back. You probably think they’re helping you keep your life together and that without them, you’d be lost. That’s not at all true. When was the last time you didn’t plan out an activity to a T? When was the last time you just forgot about your schedule and did something for the hell of it? When was the last time you threw caution to the wind and went on an adventure?
Are you truly happy, Vanessa? I don’t think you are. You try to appear to be, but it scares me when I look into your eyes and see the emptiness in them. I miss seeing my happy little girl.
So now you find out what my last, dying wish is (Yes, I did just guilt trip you. If you don’t do what I ask of you, I’ll come haunt you and make you feel really horrible for not listening to your dear ol’ dad). I want you to go on an adventure. I want you to go out and do something that you’ve always wanted to do, but never have because it doesn’t fit into your routine. Go with a friend, go with a lover (Not Jackson, though. I don’t like him. Please dump his sorry ass if you haven’t already, that’s my other last, dying wish), or go alone. Just go.
A few days ago, I read a very interesting quote by some old guy named François Rabelais that, truthfully, I found when I read that Looking For Alaska book that you left behind last time you visited (It’s in the top drawer of my desk in my study if you want it back). As you know, before he died, Rabelais said that he was off to seek the Great Perhaps. Obviously, he was talking about what happens after death, but the Great Perhaps can still be seeked while living.
So here’s one hell of a father-daughter bonding experience that we can have: we can both go seek our Great Perhaps. I want you to go on an adventure and find your true happiness. Meanwhile, I’ll be figuring out whatever it is that happens to us after we die. If it all works out, we’ll both be happy with what we find.
You’re probably crying by now, but I want you to stop. This isn’t the last you’ll hear from me, don’t you worry. Now put a smile on that beautiful face and go seek that Great Perhaps of yours. I hope you’re happy with what you find, lovebug.
Love,
Daddy
I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands while letting out a shaky laugh. Of course he would ask me to do something like this.
Remembering that there was another paper in the envelope, I slid it out and nearly screamed when I saw what it was. He had left me check for fifteen thousand dollars to go seek my ‘Great Perhaps.’
“Mom!” I called, jumping up from the couch and hurrying out of the room to find my mom. “Mom, where are you?”
“In the kitchen, baby.”
As soon as I set foot in the kitchen, I bombarded her with questions. “Did you know about this letter? Did you know that he came up with this crazy ‘Great Perhaps’ idea? Did you know that he left me a check for fifteen thousand dollars to go on some adventure? Did you know about any of this?”
She looked up from the stack of papers in front of her on the kitchen table and stared at me for a few moments. Finally, she slowly nodded her head as a small smile pulled at her lips.
“And you went along with it?” I asked, shocked that not only my dad, but also my mom thought that this was a good idea. “Have you lost your mind?”
“I can happily report that I am still sane,” she said with a laugh.
I stared at her, extremely skeptical.
“Nessa, your dad has a point. You’re not happy. You’ve settled into such a mundane life and you’re still so young. If going out on an adventure is what helps you find your better life, then so be it. I just want you to be happy. We both do.”
Tears welled up in my eyes once again. I had worked so hard to put up happy front in order to convince everyone, but most importantly my parents, that I was content with how my life was. Now I was finding out that they had seen through it and were so worried about me that they felt that they had to step in to help me.
“This money could be put to a much better use, though,” I said, my voice becoming thick with tears. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this for me, Mom.”
My mom pushed her chair back from the table and scurried over to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into a hug.
I let my tense body melt into her warm embrace as the sobs that I had been trying to hold in finally came to the surface. Once the first few tears fell, it was pretty much impossible to get them to stop. I cried for everything that was plaguing me: the fact that my dad was gone, the fact that my job wasn’t at all what I wanted to do with my life, the fact that my boyfriend was a scumbag that none of my family or friends actually liked, the fact that I wasn’t sure if I could seek my Great Perhaps because I didn’t even know what it was; everything.
“Now you listen to me and you listen to me good; we want to do this for you. Don’t you dare feel guilty about taking that money. Our daughter’s happiness was the best cause we could think of to spend that money on. Baby, you need to make some changes to your life and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. If you won’t do this for yourself, at least do it for your father,” my mom murmured as she comforted me. “Please.”
“I don’t know how to do it, Momma,” I cried. “I don’t know how to do what Daddy wants me to do and I’m going to let him down.”
“Nessa baby, if there is one thing that I know wholeheartedly, it is that your dad loved you more than I’m even able to explain. There is no way that you could ever let him down. The only thing that you can do is make him even prouder of you than he already is.”
I sucked in a particularly large snot bubble before lifting my head from her chest and locking eyes with her. “Do you mean that?” I asked meekly, sounding like a small child.
She chuckled, “Of course I do. Now promise me you’ll go seek your Great Perhaps?”
For the first time in a long time, I decided to throw caution to the wind and go on an adventure, just like my dad suggested.
“I promise that I will seek my Great Perhaps,” I vowed to my mom with a small smile on my face.
♠ ♠ ♠